


When Connor Met Evan

by hopefulminty



Series: When... [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-01-27 11:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 154,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21391150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopefulminty/pseuds/hopefulminty
Summary: Companion piece toWhen Evan Met Connor.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy, Connor Murphy & Cynthia Murphy, Connor Murphy & Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Heidi Hansen & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Zoe Murphy
Series: When... [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542145
Comments: 106
Kudos: 274





	1. Pre-College

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I took a break for about five days before starting this...
> 
> This is the companion piece to _When Evan Met Connor_. It's going to tell the same story from Connor's POV. It won't just be rehashing the same scenes though. It'll be doing some of that, but there will also be new scenes and extensions of old ones. Some featuring Evan, some exploring the things Connor had going on when he wasn't around.
> 
> That said, this story does build on the original. It'll probably make more sense if you've already read that or if you read them together.

**Second Grade**

The middle of the ribbon was shiny and smooth and made a satisfying popping noise when Connor pressed it.

He giggled and pressed it again.

And again.

And again.

His mother turned around to give him one of her patented ‘Connor, please’ looks before he could press it a fifth time. 

He slumped down in his seat and smacked the medal around Zoe’s neck for good measure.

If he couldn’t play with his award, then neither could she.

“Mom!” Zoe screamed. “Connor hit me!”

“Did not!” Connor yelped. He’d hit her medal, not her. There was a difference.

A difference his sister did not understand.

She twisted around to glare at him. “Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did-”

“Connor,” Larry said warningly. 

Connor’s lip jutted out when his father caught his eye in the rearview mirror. “She started it!”

Zoe stuck her tongue out at him. “Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

Cynthia smiled tightly as she turned around again. “Did you two have fun today?”

Zoe bounced around in her seat and giggled. “We won!”

She stuck her tongue out at Connor. He stuck his out in return.

“It doesn’t matter who won and who lost,” Cynthia said calmly. She shook her head at her husband. “Honestly, why do they even announce winners at these things? Who’s keeping score?”

“Connor came in first at the bean bag toss,” Larry beamed. 

“Bean bags are for throwing,” Connor muttered.

That had become a mantra in his house. Bean bags were for throwing. Balls were for throwing. Frisbees were throwing.

Printers were not.

He pressed the center of his ribbon again. The popping sound wasn’t as satisfying as it was before.

“He has quite an arm on him.”

Cynthia sighed like she knew where this was going. “Larry.”

Larry threw his hands up defensively. “I’m just saying it’s something to think about. He’s old enough to play now. It would help get some of his energy out.”

Cynthia chose to ignore that. She fumbled through her purse until she found her camera. “Did you get any good pictures today? I got some good ones of Zoe playing jump rope.”

Her lips pursed when she saw the way Larry was gripping the steering wheel. “You didn’t take any pictures, did you?”

“One,” Larry said. He smiled when their eyes met. “I got a picture of his team.”

Cynthia grabbed his camera to take a look. She turned around to show Connor. She pointed at the boy sitting next to Connor, the one whose arm was around him. “Who’s your friend?”

Connor shrugged because he wasn’t sure if he’d call Evan a friend. He was a classmate, not a...

He cackled when his ribbon popped on its own.

Cynthia turned back around. “This is the only picture you took?”

“I’m sorry, but I was too busy keeping an eye on Connor and coaching him to-”

“Coaching him?” Cynthia sighed. “It was an elementary school field day, Larry. It was supposed to be fun.”

Larry pulled a flier out of his pocket. “There’s a camp at the middle school this summer. I think we should sign him up.” 

He jabbed his finger at the paper. “You can look it up when we get-”

A car horn blared behind them.

The light had turned green.

Larry shook his head. “People are so impatient these days.”

Connor popped his ribbon again.

****

**Fourth Grade**

The cave was dark and damp and smelled the way it looked.

Connor loved it.

His mother did not.

He could tell she was dying to move on. 

She was out of luck though because there were bats in the cave. Actual, real live bats. 

It was going to take her a while to convince her group to leave.

That didn’t stop her from trying. She unfolded the zoo map and showed it to Connor. “It looks like the prairie dogs are next.”

Connor nodded dazedly. His eyes widened as one of the bats unfolded its wings.

Bats were so much better than birds. Why couldn’t there be bats in all the trees? The world would be a much better place if there were.

“And then there’s a concession stand. Would you boys like to get ice cream?” Cynthia glanced around hopefully.

No one paid her any mind.

She sighed when she saw that Felix and Tyrone were whacking each other with their backpacks. She went to intervene.

Connor crept closer to the bats. He climbed up on the ledge and pressed his face against the glass. 

The bats weren’t doing anything particularly interesting. Most of them were sleeping.

He thought they were cool anyway.

So did Evan, judging from the way he was staring at the ones in the corner.

Connor scooted over so he could see what Evan was seeing.

The bats in the corner weren’t doing anything interesting either. 

Connor frowned when he saw that. He moved even closer because Evan was clearly seeing something he wasn’t. 

He wanted to ask. He didn’t ask, but he wanted to.

He jumped when something flashed behind them.

His mother had snapped a picture of him and Evan watching the bats.

He hopped down from the ledge and ran back to her side.

Cynthia ruffled his hair. “Who’s ready for ice cream?”

Connor’s hand shot into the air.

****

**Sixth Grade**

Everett Middle School was not Hogwarts.

Connor hadn’t actually thought it was. He wasn’t that naïve. Or dumb. He wasn’t dumb enough to think Hogwarts was real and Everett was a wizarding school in disguise.

He’d kind of hoped it was though.

More than kind of.

He was disappointed when he realized there really wasn’t anything magical about the school. 

Not his classes, not his classmates, not any of it.

The cafeteria was the worst part.

He hated lunch more than anything.

He hadn’t minded it in elementary school. It had been quick and noisy and sometimes fun.

It was still quick and noisy, but there was nothing fun about it.

There were no rules. No assigned seats or tables. He could sit anywhere he wanted.

The problem was he never knew where he wanted to sit.

He ate his sandwich next to the trashcan every day for the first two weeks of school.

The lunch monitor caught onto that during the third week. She ordered him to find a seat.

She made it sound so easy.

It wasn’t easy.

He chewed his lip as he looked for an empty table. 

He tilted his head when he realized he wasn’t the only one doing that.

Evan Hansen was doing the same thing a few feet away from him.

He wondered if he should say something.

Someone else beat him to it.

An older boy, an eighth grader from the looks of it, ran up to Evan and clapped him on the back. “Evan! There you are! Mom said I should keep an eye out for you.”

Evan just stood there and blinked.

The boy prodded him forward. “Have you seen Jared anywhere? He told Mom he’s been eating lunch in the bathroom.”

Connor stared at his shoes when they were gone.

That was that then.

He decided not to give his situation any more thought.

He grabbed his tray and slammed it down on the closest table. 

He raised his eyebrows at the people sitting there like he was daring them to complain.

No one said a word.

****

**Eighth Grade**

Connor kicked a rock as he wandered around the perimeter of the school.

He stopped when he realized he was standing outside Zoe’s classroom. 

He forgot about the rock and focused on his sister instead.

It took her a second to notice him. 

She slid down in her seat and shielded her face when she did.

That just egged Connor on more. 

He added jazz hands to his dance routine.

Other students started to notice. He could hear people laughing and cheering inside the room.

Zoe finally looked up and smiled at her brother’s antics. 

Her smile was the last thing he saw before the teacher finally pulled down the shade.

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets and returned to his rock.

He didn’t know what to do with himself. His exams were done. His homework was in. Graduation practice was over. School didn’t officially let out for another hour, but there was nothing he had to do.

Which meant he had an hour to kill until his mother came to pick them up.

He wandered back towards the front of the building.

The other eighth graders were starting to trickle out.

A few of them, the lucky few who didn’t have younger siblings, headed towards the drop off zone.

Most of them were sitting on the stairs though.

Connor hesitated a moment before heading there too. He took a seat near the bottom and poked at his backpack like he was looking for something really important.

He jumped when someone plopped down next to him.

“Hi!” Alana Beck greeted.

She sounded so cheerful Connor wanted to scowl. He couldn’t when he saw how excited she looked though.

She pulled her yearbook out and tried to hand it to him. “Will you sign my yearbook?”

Connor blinked like he didn’t understand the question.

No one had asked him to sign their book. 

No one.

He scratched his neck and flipped the book open. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Your page please,” Alana chirped. “That’s how I’m keeping track.”

Of course, she was.

Connor gritted his teeth when he realized she was trying to collect all of their signatures. Like they were freaking Pokémon.

He decided to sign his page anyway.

It wasn’t like he had anything better to do.

And maybe this was it.

It occurred to him that this could be it.

Alana was smart. Surely, she would appreciate his book list.

His list hadn’t been the conversation starter he’d expected it to be.

Not that that was why he’d put it in there.

He’d had to put something in the yearbook and a list of books had felt right.

He’d thought someone would’ve said something about it to him though. He’d thought someone would’ve come up to him and said ‘hey, I like that too.’

No one had said a word.

He scribbled a quick ‘we’re finally free’ on his page before handing the book back to Alana.

He left it open so she could see the list.

She closed it without looking. Her eyes glazed over as she stared at something behind them.

Connor turned to see.

She was watching Evan Hansen flip through his yearbook.

“I knew he had it with him,” Alana muttered under her breath. She sighed and stood up. Her expression softened when her eyes landed on Connor. “Thanks! See you at graduation!”

And then she was gone.

Connor stood up too.

His body felt too restless to remain seated.

He decided to go kick a rock around until Zoe got out.

****

**Tenth Grade**

It was like watching a deer caught in the headlights.

Or an antelope that was about to be devoured by lions.

Connor thought both of those phrases described what it was like to watch Evan Hansen give a speech about the French Revolution.

To watch Evan try to give a speech about the French Revolution. He wasn’t sure if he’d call what was going on at the front of the classroom a speech. It was more like an explosion of words and sounds and pauses that were so quiet Connor could hear Sophie Ventura chewing her gum two rows in front of him.

He wasn’t sure if he was in the mood to find it funny or sad.

Evan cleared his throat and scratched his neck and looked like he was going to pass out when he almost dropped his index cards. 

For a second, Connor was sure Evan was about to have a heart attack.

He wasn’t the only one.

The guy in front of him pretended to grab at his chest and groan. 

That settled it for Connor.

It really settled it when the guy’s friend started laughing and doing the same thing.

Connor stretched his legs out and kicked both of their chairs.

They jumped and whipped around to glare at him.

Their eyes widened when they saw who the culprit was. 

It was one of those rare moments Connor was happy about his reputation.

“Oops,” Connor grinned.

They turned around without saying a word.

Connor glanced at Evan again.

He couldn’t tell if Evan had noticed that exchange. It was impossible to tell if he was shakier than he had been a minute ago.

His hands were visibly shaking as he flipped through his index cards.

Sad.

Connor nodded to himself.

Definitely sad. Not even a little bit funny.

Evan cleared his throat and tried to breathe when he found what he was looking for. “So, uh... in conclusion, uh...”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Does anyone, um, does anyone have any, uh, any questions?”

He gripped the podium like he couldn’t stand without it.

Connor lowered his eyes when several of his classmates turned to look at him.

It felt like they were asking permission to raise their hands.

Connor kept his eyes on his notes.

He didn’t look up until Evan had sat back down.

****

**Twelfth Grade**

“Move your legs.”

Connor raised his eyebrows at his sister. “Move yours.”

Zoe rolled her eyes and nudged his leg with her foot. “Scoot. I can’t get in when you’re stretched out like that.”

Connor let his breath out in a huff but did as he was told. “Where are your friends?”

Zoe waved her hand at the front of the auditorium. “Up there somewhere. I don’t know.”

“You’re not sitting with them?”

Zoe beamed as she ruffled his hair. “I’m sitting with you.”

Connor made a point of smoothing his hair back down. “Why?”

“Because you’re sitting up here alone.”

“I always sit alone.” He stared at his hands when Zoe’s face twitched. “I always sit back here when I come to these things.”

Zoe chewed her lip for a second. “I was surprised to see you. I figured you’d ditch.”

“I tried to ditch.”

“You got caught?”

Connor nodded slightly. “By Ms. Ross herself.”

“She loves you,” Zoe cooed.

“She doesn’t want me to become a statistic.” Connor glanced at his sister quickly. “Her words.”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded.

Connor looked away when Zoe’s hands started twisting around in her lap.

He knew what this was.

He knew what she was trying to do.

And he knew she’d been feeling close to him ever since they’d gotten high together at their father’s birthday party.

The feeling was mutual.

Sort of.

It was as close to mutual as he thought it could get.

“So,” Zoe grinned. “Do you have any inside information?”

Connor didn’t follow that at all.

Zoe gestured at the stage. “About the assembly. Did Ms. Ross tell you what she’s doing this year?”

Connor shrugged. “She’s wearing butterfly earrings today.”

“Of course, she is.”

Connor’s eyes darted around again.

They landed on someone sitting in the row in front of them.

Zoe frowned until she realized what he was staring at. “Do you want to move up?”

He pretended not to hear.

It didn’t matter. It wouldn’t make a difference if they did.

He looked away when Jared Kleinman rushed past them. 

“I told you to save me a seat, not an entire row!” Jared hissed as he sat next to Evan.

Evan shrugged and muttered something Connor didn’t catch.

“Really?” Jared yelped. He looked around like he was putting on a show for someone else’s benefit.

He deflated when he saw that no one was laughing.

The microphone crackled as Ms. Ross took the stage.

She looked out at the students like she was searching for something.

Or someone.

Connor stood up and waved.

She smiled as she motioned for him to sit back down.

He gave Zoe a quizzical look when he realized she was glaring at the back of Jared’s head.

“That guy’s a jerk,” Zoe whispered. 

Connor nodded because yes.

Yes, he was.


	2. Freshman Year - August

Connor’s dorm room was smaller than he’d imagined.

It was a lot uglier too.

He should’ve known the pictures on the school’s website were misleading.

It wasn’t a surprise, really. Nothing about his college experience was going the way he’d expected.

He’d always thought he’d go somewhere far away from home. Somewhere far away from his family. Somewhere no one knew him or recognized him or judged him at first sight. 

He hadn’t been a great student in high school, but he’d gotten decent grades and his test scores had been high enough that he could’ve gone somewhere exciting.

His plans had changed when his parents told him they would only pay for a school within 100 miles of their house. 

They thought they were being generous.

They’d said it like that left him with plenty of options.

It did not.

There was only one decent school that met that requirement.

It was the one over a dozen students from his high school ended up at every year.

Connor had never imagined he’d be one of them.

He knew why his parents had decided to limit his choices. He knew they wanted to be able to get to him without hopping on a plane or driving for hours.

He knew they thought they were being smart by playing it safe.

And maybe they were.

He couldn’t tell anymore.

He just knew it sucked. Everything about it sucked.

His dorm was awful. His roommate was awful. The fact that his mother wanted to have a weekly lunch date with him was...

It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t something he wanted to think about during his first week of school.

At least it wasn’t high school.

He kept telling himself that.

He kept telling himself things could be worse.

He decided to make an effort.

Not just in his classes.

He decided to go out and try to experience things. 

To make friends.

The concept was foreign to him.

He’d never actually tried to make friends before. He’d never wanted to. 

The other students had never wanted him to. 

It had been an extremely mutual feeling.

He went to an ice breaker game with his roommate, Cole, but left as soon as he realized it was for a Bible study group.

He didn’t know why he was surprised. He could tell Cole and he were not going to be friends. He’d known that the second they met. Cole had taken one look at him and decided he must practice the dark arts.

He decided to play that up. If Cole thought he was a witch, then he was going to act like a witch.

He started mumbling Latin phrases when Cole thought he was asleep.

The reaction he got was amusing, but it didn’t help him make friends.

He wasn’t sure what to do about that.

He went to some of the events on his floor. He watched movies and learned people’s names. He made eye contact with people who were looking for a seat in the dining hall.

It was exhausting and useless and exhausting because it was useless.

He decided he didn’t care.

He’d made it this far on his own. He could survive four more years.

He couldn’t survive four years with Cole. He wasn’t sure if he’d make it through one.

The room was too small for the two of them.

And Cole almost never went out.

Which was a problem because neither did Connor.

They both left for class and food and that was about it.

Connor started spending a lot of time in the library, but it was hard to relax in there. He always felt like he should be working on something.

And there were books.

Lots and lots of books.

He kind of loved the library.

It wasn’t the place for him to go when he needed to unwind though.

He discovered the basement lounge at the end of his first week of classes.

He found it by mistake.

He hit the wrong button when he got on the elevator and somehow ended up in the basement.

He got off because it was quiet down there.

It was the first truly quiet place he’d found on campus.

Probably because it smelled like fertilizer and there was nothing down there except a dusty, old lounge and the custodian’s supplies.

He felt right at home.

He wondered if he could move in. He wondered who would stop him if he tried.

He took a nap on the couch before moving to the table by the window. 

He sat there for hours. He read ahead and started a paper and watched three episodes of _Futurama_.

He was just starting to think about breaking into the broken vending machine for a bag of Cheetos when he heard someone on the stairs.

He bolted up in his seat and stared blankly at the wall

He hoped it was the custodian. He hoped it wasn’t Cole.

He listened to footsteps getting closer, to the soft mutterings of a conversation.

He turned around when the voice stopped speaking.

He didn’t blink. He didn’t move.

He didn’t breathe until Evan Hansen had turned around and run back up the stairs.

It wasn’t a surprise.

Not a total one anyway.

Connor had known Evan was going to his school.

He’d made a point of studying their graduation program. He’d wanted to know the names of all the classmates he could expect to run into around campus.

He’d wanted to know who he’d have to avoid.

Evan hadn’t made it onto that list.

He didn’t know Evan well. He didn’t really know him at all.

He knew enough to know Evan wasn’t someone he had to avoid though.

He knew enough to know Evan was an outsider too.

He wondered if Evan had made friends already.

His gut told him the answer was no.

But then how often was his gut actually right?

He wasn’t surprised when Evan came back the next night.

He snorted when he saw how Evan walked in though.

It was like he was proving something to himself.

That he wasn’t scared.

That he wasn’t scared of Connor.

That wasn’t lost on Connor.

He sat down on the couch and started to work.

He didn’t look at Connor once.

Connor decided not to think about that.

Connor sighed and staggered to his feet when the fire alarm started to blare.

He knew the drill.

It was the third false alarm that week.

Someone really needed to show those guys on his floor how to use a microwave.

He packed up his things and pushed in his chair and yawned and stretched and took his time leaving.

He froze when he saw Evan hadn’t budged.

Not only that.

Evan was asleep.

Sound asleep. 

His eyes were closed and his mouth was open and there was a stream of drool trickling down his chin.

It was so funny Connor almost took a picture of him.

He decided not to though. 

Things would get awkward fast if the flash woke Evan up.

He lingered in the doorway for a second and waited. He waited for Evan to hear the sirens and get up.

Nothing. 

No movement whatsoever.

Connor sighed and decided it was on him then.

He couldn’t just leave him there, especially on the off chance the building actually was on fire.

He took a breath and crossed the room and did the right thing for a change.

Evan wiped his hand on his shirt the second Connor let go of it.

Connor raised his eyebrows but didn’t say a word.

His mind raced as he processed everything that had just happened.

Evan didn’t know who he was or he was pretending he didn’t. He’d introduced himself to Connor like they hadn’t been going to school together since they were five. 

Which was fair because it wasn’t like they’d ever really talked or anything.

Connor was okay with that. He was okay with having a blank slate to work with. He’d been hoping college would be a blank slate for him.

He wasn’t okay with the way Evan kept wiping his hand.

“I don’t have any germs,” Connor snapped. “I mean, I do. Everyone does, but...”

His voice trailed off when he saw the way Evan’s eyes had widened.

“It’s my hand,” Evan muttered. “It’s not... It’s not you. It’s my... My hand. It gets so...”

“So what?”

“So sweaty,” Evan squeaked. His ears turned red when he said it.

Connor snorted.

“It’s not funny!”

Connor snorted again.

“It’s not!”

Evan’s whole face went red that time.

“I didn’t notice,” Connor shrugged.

Evan didn’t seem to know what to make of that.

The crowd erupted into cheers when the alarm finally stopped screeching. 

Connor closed his eyes and sighed. “We can go back.”

He didn’t want to go back.

He didn’t know where he wanted to go.

He didn’t feel like dealing with Cole yet and the basement lounge...

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go there. He wasn’t sure if he’d be welcome there when Evan was around. He wasn’t about to ask.

He followed Evan into the building, but he lost track of him right away. There were too many people and the line for the elevator filled the lobby.

Connor decided to take the stairs.

He beat Cole to the room. He took a moment to revel in that.

He wondered what Evan’s roommate was like. He wondered what problems he was causing. He wondered what he was doing to keep Evan from getting enough sleep.

He wondered if he’d find out.

He hoped he would. 

He really hoped he would.


	3. Freshman Year - September

There was a flash of movement on the screen when Zoe moved her legs. A flash that was quickly followed by a rustling sound and several words Connor had never heard his sister say.

He raised his eyebrows at her when she fixed her laptop.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Zoe rolled her eyes at the camera. “Where was I?’

“You were just saying how much you miss me.”

“I was not!” She sighed when Connor didn’t look away. “I don’t think I’m cut out to be an only child.”

It was Connor’s turn to sulk. “You’re not an only child!”

“Feels like it.”

“I’ve been gone, like, two weeks.”

“Mom lifted the no cell phones at the dinner table rule.”

Connor did a double take. “She what?”

“Yeah, turns out the three of us don’t have a lot to say to each other.”

“As opposed to the lively conversations we all had when I was there?”

Zoe chewed her lip. “It’s different. Weird. I don’t know.”

“You miss me,” Connor grinned.

His smile wavered when she didn’t respond right away. He lowered his eyes and pretended to examine the notebook in his lap.

Things with Zoe always felt so fragile, like one wrong move would make them go back to being neighbors who didn’t even acknowledge each other’s existence.

Zoe was frowning when he looked up again. It was enough to make him want to end the call and call it a night. 

“So,” Zoe said softly. “What’s new with you?”

Connor blinked at that. “What do you mean?”

She snorted at how suspicious he sounded. “I mean, I just spent ten minutes ranting about the rampant sexism in jazz band this year. This is a two-way street. How’s your week been?”

“I haven’t been fighting the patriarchy.”

Zoe nodded solemnly. “I heard that’s more of a second semester thing.”

Connor shrugged. “I like my classes.”

“Nerd,” Zoe teased. “Have you made any friends?”

“Yes, Mom.”

Zoe tilted her head at him. “Seriously?”

Connor hesitated a moment before shaking his head.

“Not even one? What about the roommate? Any improvements there?”

Connor glanced over his shoulder at Cole, who was glaring at the ceiling like every word out of Connor’s mouth caused him physical pain. 

“None whatsoever.”

“Is he there?” Zoe whispered.

Connor turned his laptop so she could see Cole lying in his bed.

Zoe smiled and gave a big wave. “Hi, Cole!”

Cole moaned and rolled onto his side.

Zoe pretended to pout. “I don’t think he likes me.”

“I know the feeling.”

“I’m trying to sleep!” Cole groaned into his pillow.

Connor shrugged at the screen. “I should go.”

“What’re you doing tomorrow?” Zoe blinked when she saw the time. “Today?”

Connor shrugged again. “I don’t know.”

“It’s the weekend.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“Isn’t there something fun you can do up there?”

Connor glanced at his notes.

Zoe chewed her lip. “Have you tried-”

“I ran into someone today.”

“Literally?” Zoe blinked. “Like was there bruising involved?”

“From high school. Evan Hansen. Do you remember him?”

“The guy you...” Zoe let her breath out in a huff. “Were you nice? Please tell me you were nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

“I’m serious, Connor. Did you ever, you know, apologize to him?”

“For what?”

“For what?” Zoe mocked. “Isn’t he the guy you, uh... You pushed him last year. In the hallway. First day of school. Do you remember?”

Connor nodded slightly.

Zoe did too. “I wasn’t sure if you...”

“It had worn off by that point.” Connor made a face. “For the most part.”

“Did you ever-”

“I’ve never really talked to him.”

“So, that’s a no on the apology then?”

Connor stared at his hands. “You think I should?”

“Apologize for shoving him to the ground for no good reason?” Zoe nodded slowly.

“Okay,” Connor breathed. “If I see him again, maybe I will.”

“If?”

“If,” Connor nodded.

Zoe tapped her chin before pointing at the screen. “Okay, walk me through this. You ran into Evan today?”

“In the basement lounge.” Connor wrinkled his nose. “Technically, he ran into me last night too.”

“He ran into you?”

“More like ran from me. He took off running when he saw I was there. He came back tonight though.”

“But you didn’t talk?”

“Not until someone tried to burn the building down again.”

Zoe closed her eyes and sighed. “Okay.”

“I woke him up.”

“You woke him up?”

Connor nodded. “When the fire alarm started going off.”

He chewed his lip. “He introduced himself to me when we got outside.”

“Introduced himself like-”

“He shook my hand.”

“Very polite. Mom would approve.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Zoe smirked.

“Tell Mom.”

“That you-”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Yet.” Zoe sighed when he didn’t look away. She pretended to zip her lips.

“I don’t think he remembers me.”

“He remembers you.” Zoe smiled tightly. “You’re kind of hard to forget.”

“He might not have recognized me though. He’s not used to seeing me in this context.”

“True,” Zoe nodded. 

“I was infamous in high school. I wasn’t... Most people didn’t even know my name. They just knew...” Connor gestured at himself.

“You’re not in high school anymore though. This can be a fresh start for you if you’ll let it.”

“You sound like Mom.”

“Better than sounding like Dad.”

They both made a face and laughed.

Zoe covered her mouth as she yawned. “Bedtime.”

Connor yawned too. “Good night.”

He closed his laptop and slid it under his bed. He heard Cole sigh the second it hit the ground.

The Red Bull was an impulse buy.

He stopped by the store below the dining hall to pick up some cereal and snacks and he just...

It occurred to him that it would be funny if he got something caffeinated for Evan. 

Because Evan had been so tired he’d slept through the insanely loud sirens that been going off above his head.

It would be like a joke. 

It would be a joke. An actual joke. An inside joke that other people wouldn’t get.

It really was an impulse buy. He grabbed it at the last second and shoved it in his bag before he could change his mind.

He decided to head straight down to the basement lounge because he couldn’t stomach the idea of seeing Cole again so soon.

Evan was already there.

Connor crossed the room and slammed the can down in front of him.

Evan jumped so high he nearly fell off his chair. He pulled one earbud out and blinked at the can. “Um...”

“So you don’t fall asleep,” Connor explained with a shrug.

He sat down across from Evan and started unpacking his things. He had work to do and working in the lounge sounded much better than working in his room while Cole breathed down his neck.

Evan tapped his fingers on the can. He swallowed sharply. “Oh, uh... thanks, but...”

Connor didn’t like the sound of that. He didn’t like the way Evan was looking at him. It made him feel like he was intruding.

Which he kind of was, but... He decided not to think about that. “But?”

“I have this thing with caffeine. I try to limit how much I drink because it makes me jittery.” Evan stared at his hands as they twitched in front of him. “Jitterier... Is that a word?”

Connor nudged the can towards him. “For another day then. When you haven’t already maxed out on caffeine.”

Evan slipped the can into his backpack and froze. He bolted back up. “How much do I owe you?”

Connor snorted. “For a can of Red Bull that you didn’t ask for or want?”

Evan stared at him like he didn’t know what to say.

Connor pulled a textbook out of his bag and opened it without saying another word.

Evan came back the next night.

They both did.

And the one after that and the one after that and...

It didn’t take long for it to become a thing. 

They never planned it or even acknowledged that it was happening. They both just showed up at the lounge every night.

Probably because college was overwhelming and their roommates sucked and the lounge was a safe place where they could get away from all that.

Connor didn’t know if he’d say they were friends. He was pretty sure you had to actually talk to someone to call them a friend.

They talked sometimes though.

About the weather, mostly.

Judging from the four sentences Evan said in a row one night, he was really into nature.

Connor acted like he found it more interesting than he really did. He didn’t want Evan to clam up again. He gestured around them when Evan finished talking about the trees outside their window. “What do you think that smell is?”

It took Evan a second to follow that. “The fertilizer smell?”

Connor nodded. “Why does it always smell like dirt down here?”

Evan tugged at his sleeves. “I-I don’t know.”

“Do you think this building was built-”

“On an ancient burial ground?” Evan finished. He smiled at the table. “I was just thinking about that.”

“You were?”

“I mean, not just this second. I, uh, I was thinking about it the other day and-”

“It would explain the fire alarm, why it keeps going off.”

“I thought that was because of those guys on your floor.”

“Maybe it’s an evil spirit. Maybe they’re not doing anything wrong. I mean, how dumb would you have to be to burn that many bags of popcorn?”

Evan squinted at the sprinkler by the door. “Didn’t someone say they’re on the track team?”

“So, that makes them dumb?”

Evan’s eyes widened at that. “No! I... That’s not what I...”

Connor struggled to keep his amusement from showing. “You think they’re dumb because they spend all their free time running in circles?”

“Isn’t that the definition of insanity though? Doing something-”

“That’s a myth.”

The words flew out of Connor’s mouth so quickly they made them both jump.

Evan picked at his salad. 

Because that was becoming a thing too.

They didn’t just study in the lounge. They ate their dinners there too.

Their dinners that they picked up on their own and brought down there on their own and...

Evan pointed at Connor’s sandwich. “Where’d you get that?”

“The café across from the library.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded. 

“It’s better than the dining hall.”

“Is it included in the meal plan?”

Connor shook his head.

Evan pushed his salad to the side and pulled out one of his textbooks.

Conversation over then.

Connor nodded to himself. He pulled out one of his books too.

Connor jumped when he heard someone step into the lounge. He relaxed when he saw it was just Evan.

Evan looked even more surprised to see him than he was to see Evan.

He automatically moved his things around so Evan had room to work.

It was weird seeing Evan there during the middle of the day. He watched as Evan unpacked his things. “Did your class get cancelled?”

“Class?” Evan blinked. He shook his head. “My next class isn’t until three.”

“Oh.”

“Ryan, my, uh, my roommate, has company.”

Connor stared at him for a beat. “You got sexiled?” 

Evan’s face went red as he nodded.

Connor grinned when he saw how traumatized Evan was. “Did you walk in on them?”

Evan nodded again.

And then he laughed.

They both did.

Evan buried his head in his arms. “It’s not funny.”

“At least I don’t have to worry about that with Cole.”

“I don’t think I can unsee it.”

“Did they notice?”

Evan shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“So, it could be worse.”

Evan closed his eyes and nodded. “Could be worse.”

“What are you reading?” Evan’s voice sounded hoarse from not speaking.

Probably because they’d been acting like they were in study hall again. Neither of them had said a word since they’d first sat down.

Evan cleared his throat like he was going to try again.

Connor held up his book before he could.

“_Moby Dick_,” Evan said. “Are you reading it for class or for fun?”

“Do I look like someone who would read _Moby Dick_ for fun?” 

Evan’s eyes widened in a way that made Connor regret his question. He tried to think of a way to take it back.

Evan kept his eyes glued to the screen while he typed something on his laptop. “Um.”

Connor’s leg bounced as he closed the book. He didn’t think he could look at it for another second. He jerked his thumb in the direction of the tv. “Do you want to watch something?”

Evan blinked at the tv. “Does that thing work?”

He had a point.

Nothing in the basement worked. Not the vending machine, not the wi-fi, and probably not the tv.

The tv that looked like it was about a hundred years old and got two channels.

Connor decided to give it a try anyway.

It took it a second to come on, but it worked.

And it got almost ten channels. Half of them were mostly static, but still. It was something.

He flipped through the channels quickly by hitting the buttons at its base.

The thing was so old it didn’t even have a remote.

Or maybe it did and the evil spirits had confiscated it.

He turned around to tell Evan that. He nearly lost his balance because he hadn’t expected to find Evan standing right behind him.

“Go back,” Evan whispered.

Connor did as he was told.

Evan nodded when he landed on a show about turtles. “This is a good one.”

Connor quickly weighed his options.

He wasn’t particularly interested in learning about turtles, but it wasn’t like there were a lot of other choices. The only other thing that had caught his attention was a game show he remembered watching whenever he got sick as a kid.

He stood up when he saw that Evan already moved to the couch.

Turtles it was then.

And so it went.

It didn’t take them long to fall into a routine. If you could call it a routine. It wasn’t something they ever acknowledged or discussed.

It was just that their schedules coordinated more often than not and they both had their reasons for avoiding their rooms and...

And they both wanted a friend.

Needed a friend.

Connor thought that was a safe assumption to make.

They ate dinner together every night while they studied and watched whatever channel was the least staticky. Most of the time that was PBS. 

They spent their afternoons in the lounge when they didn’t have class, which meant they usually had lunch together too. 

They didn’t talk much though. Sometimes they didn’t talk at all.

Which was fine. 

Connor didn’t really have that much to say. It was enough just knowing he'd found someone he considered a friend.

He made the mistake of using that word when Zoe called him one morning

She grinned and pulled back in a way that allowed him to see the whole room.

She was in the kitchen with their parents.

He felt like reaching through the screen and smacking her when he saw that.

“Friend?” Zoe cackled. 

Connor closed his eyes when he saw how eager his mother looked. He kept them closed when he heard an amused huff escape from his father. “I have to go.”

“Wait!” Zoe hissed. “Is it Evan?”

“Bye,” Connor snapped. 

He closed his laptop before she could respond.

There was a bird documentary on PBS that afternoon. Connor tried to hide his terror when he saw that.

He was not successful.

He decided he didn’t care.

Evan didn’t look like he wanted to laugh when he suggested they watch something else.

They flipped through the stations until they landed on a soap opera of some kind.

It wasn’t a traditional soap opera. 

It was quite possibly the weirdest, most confusing thing Connor had ever seen in his life.

He loved it.

Evan did too.

They stared at each other when it was over. They stared like they couldn’t believe what they’d just seen.

Connor pointed at the tv. “Okay, so what’s the deal with the guy in the wheelchair? Is he really losing his mind or what?”

Evan shook his head dazedly. “Does that one guy have a twin or was there supposed to be a big time jump between the last two scenes?”

“I don’t know,” Connor muttered. “But we’re watching that again tomorrow.”

Connor was struck by a sudden wave of panic when he realized what he’d said.

He hadn’t just acknowledged their routine. He’d added to it. He’d said something that sounded like a plan.

Evan didn’t seem to notice.

Or care. It was possible he didn’t care.

He simply nodded and said, “Yeah. We’re definitely watching that again.”

It took Connor almost a week to remember that his mother was a fan of the soap opera too. 

That was why it looked so familiar to him. It hadn’t at first, but the more he watched, the more he was struck by a sense of déjà vu. 

It made her day when he called to ask what was up with the guy in the wheelchair.

It was kind of sad to see how excited she got.

It occurred to him that it would’ve been much easier if he’d looked it up himself. 

Easier and a lot less stressful.

It didn’t take her long to get to the subject she really wanted to discuss.

“Are you watching the show alone?”

Connor lowered his eyes because there it was. 

He really was going to kill Zoe the next time he saw her.

“Zoe seems to think you’ve made a friend. She showed us his picture.”

Connor’s eyes flew open at that. “His picture?”

He had a sudden vision of Zoe wearing a trench coat so she could spy on Evan and take his picture.

He shook his head because even he knew that was ridiculous.

His mother was smiling when he looked at his phone again. “Zoe found a picture of him in your photo album. He was in our group when we went to the zoo when you were in the third-”

“Fourth,” Connor corrected automatically.

Cynthia gave a slight nod. “Fourth grade. He went to high school with you too?”

Connor shrugged and mumbled something to indicate he had.

“He was a polite boy. I remember that. I didn’t remember his name, but...”

Connor closed his eyes and tuned his mother out as she continued to prattle on about Evan. About what Zoe had told her about Evan. About what she remembered from the one day she’d spent with Evan nine years ago.

He nearly dropped his phone when he heard the elevator doors open behind him.

“Mom.”

“The show’s about to start.”

“I know,” Connor hissed. 

“Is he coming?”

He couldn’t believe this. She was stalling because she wanted to see Evan before she hung up.

He supposed this was what he got for not making any friends until he was nineteen. He felt like he should be in a museum of some kind. Somewhere where his family could line up and stare at him through the glass.

“Is that him?”

The question made Connor jump. He glanced over his shoulder and nodded. “I have to go.”

“Let me see.”

Connor shook his head as firmly as he could manage. He hung up without so much as a goodbye.

He closed his eyes and tried to collect his thoughts before he turned around to face Evan.

“That was my mom,” Connor explained. “She was telling me about the show.”

“Oh,” Evan blinked. “She watches it too?”

Connor nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He felt trapped and dizzy and out of sorts. “She remembers you.”

Evan eyed the door like he was two seconds away from bolting. “Um... She... what?”

Connor decided to go ahead and lay it all out there. “From elementary school. She was a chaperone when we went to the zoo in fourth grade. She said you were in our group.”

Evan blinked at the wall like he didn’t understand that all.

Connor chewed his lip uncertainly. “You know we went to-”

“Yeah,” Evan interrupted. “I know.”

He glanced at Connor out of the corner of his eye.

So, that answered that then. Evan knew too. He knew who Connor was. He knew they’d been going to school together for over a decade.

Connor wasn’t sure if he was relieved or confused or some combination of the two.

Evan’s face scrunched up like he was thinking really hard. “Your mom remembers me?”

“She didn’t at first, but Zoe pointed you out in one of our photo albums.”

“Zoe?”

“My sister.”

“Right.” 

Thinking about Zoe made Connor think about what she’d suggested. About how she thought he owed Evan an apology.

About how she was probably right. She usually was when it came to things like that.

Connor opened and closed his mouth so quickly it was like it hadn’t happened. He glanced at Evan out of the corner of his eye.

She was definitely right.

One look at Evan confirmed that for Connor.

Evan was clearly thinking about their run-in in the hallway. He kept poking at his arm and staring at Connor like...

Connor didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to know what was going through Evan’s head.

He started poking at his arm too. It took him a second to notice what he was doing and then it was like he couldn’t stop. He kept his eyes on his arm so he could avoid Evan’s stare. “I didn’t hurt you, did I? Last year, when I... you know.”

Evan shook his head. “Not really.”

“Not really isn’t a no.”

“Do you want me to lie?”

Evan’s mouth snapped shut like he couldn’t believe what he’d just said.

Connor burst out laughing, which made Evan laugh too.

“You shoved me onto the floor,” Evan said between laughs. “I didn’t land on a pillow.”

Connor forced himself to stop laughing. “I know I’m a year late, but I really am sorry about that.”

Evan’s eyes widened suspiciously. He took a step back. “Is that what this is?”

“What?”

“You’re trying to make amends? You’re...” Evan gestured around the lounge. “Because you’re trying to-”

“You think I’m hanging out with you because I’m trying to...” Connor didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He didn’t even know how to finish that thought.

“I don’t know,” Evan said shrilly.

“I’m not.”

“Okay.”

The room fell silent except for the tv.

It was the first truly awkward silence they’d experienced.

Connor didn’t know what to say. Or think. Or feel. 

He hated thinking that Evan thought he was just hanging out with him to make amends. He hated it even more than the idea that Evan had been hanging out with him because he was too scared to stop.

Because he thought Connor would push him again. Or worse.

Evan gestured at the screen as the theme song started to play. “Your mom explained it to you?”

Connor nodded slightly. “You know the guy we thought was a duke?”

“Yeah.”

“Turns out he’s really a Russian spy.”

Evan smiled into his hand. “Okay... What else?”

Connor grinned because it was a relief to think about something else. It was a relief to think they were on the same page.

And because the show was so outlandish he just had to share everything he’d learned.

“The guy in the wheelchair killed the maid.”

Evan’s mouth dropped open. “But-”

“He can walk. My mom said it was a big plot twist last year.”

“Then why-”

“And his daughter is actually his wife. They’re pulling some kind of con.”

Evan shook his head. “This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen.”

Connor grinned at the screen. “Wait until you hear the truth about the twins.”


	4. Freshman Year - October

Connor grabbed onto the railing to keep himself from falling. For a second, for one extremely paranoid second, he thought Evan was trying to get his revenge by shoving him down the stairs.

It wasn’t Evan.

It wasn’t the custodian either.

It was a guy Connor had never seen before. A guy who was immediately followed by a girl.

“Out of the way!” the girl screamed as she ran past.

Connor did as he was told. He threw himself against the wall while the two of them chased each other around the basement.

While the girl chased the guy. She was definitely the one doing the chasing.

The elevator doors opened and Evan stepped out. His eyes widened like he didn’t understand what he’d walked in on. 

Which was fair.

Connor caught his eye and shrugged.

The guy’s face lit up when he spotted Evan. He jumped behind him like he was a human shield. 

“Don’t make me take a hostage,” the guy cried.

Evan jumped at that. “What?”

The girl rubbed her hands together as she approached them. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

“The hard way?” The guy grinned. “You know the rules. No tackling allowed.”

“The rules don’t say anything about tickling.” The girl smirked as she jabbed her pointer fingers in his direction.

The guy sighed as he looked around. He looked trapped, like he knew he was trapped. He shoved Evan to the side and dove for the elevator button.

The girl reached him before it arrived. She tapped both of his shoulders and shoved a card in his face. “Hashtag Ashley Jones.”

The guy snapped a picture of himself before handing her a card from his pocket. “That was fun.”

The girl wrinkled her nose when she read it. “You have Jess?”

“Jessica Lee?” The guy nodded. “You know her?”

“She’s my roommate.”

“No fair,” the guy pouted. He hurried after the girl when she stepped into the elevator.

Connor heard him ask if she wanted to grab a victory coffee before the doors snapped shut.

“What was that?” Evan laughed.

Connor laughed too. “No idea.”

“And I thought the cat girl was weird.”

“Cat girl?”

Evan nodded. “There’s this girl who sits in front of me in English who’s started dressing like a cat. First it was just cat ears, but today she wore a tail too.”

“Because it’s almost Halloween?”

“Maybe,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. It didn’t look comfortable.”

“The tail?”

“Yeah.”

Connor reached for his phone. “That’s nothing. I saw a guy running around the quad dressed like a squirrel.”

Evan snorted when he saw the picture.

“He must’ve lost a bet of some kind. He kept asking people for nuts.”

Evan snorted again. 

Connor grinned when he saw that. “I would’ve sent it to you, but...”

He didn’t have Evan’s number and saying that he would’ve sent the picture to him if he did made it sound like he was asking for it.

He felt like cursing out loud when he realized that.

They were friends, but he wasn’t sure if they were that kind of friends. The kind that sent each other random pictures of people dressed like squirrels.

Evan scratched his neck and pulled his phone out too. “Oh. What’s your, uh...”

Connor rattled off the digits immediately.

His phone buzzed. A text appeared.

_hi_

Connor smiled as he wrote back. 

_hi_

And just like that they became the kind of friends that sent each other random pictures of people dressed like squirrels.

Well, not that exactly.

Neither of them encountered another guy hopping around in a squirrel costume.

Evan did manage to snap a picture of the cat girl though.

And trees. So many trees. It didn’t take long for Connor to feel like he’d received a picture of every tree on campus.

He didn’t mind though. It was kind of nice in a comforting way, a reminder that he wasn’t alone.

And it wasn’t like it was all about the trees.

Evan texted other things too. They both did. Stupid things, mostly. Jokes and observations and comments about how bored they were.

They checked in throughout the day and asked each other if they needed anything from the dining hall and warned each other when they were going to be late.

Because they had a routine.

They were friends and they had a routine.

A routine that did not exist outside the basement lounge.

They never saw each other outside of the lounge. Not really. Not unless they randomly decided to get their to go boxes together. Or ran into each other somewhere on campus. Or...

Their routine was growing and expanding.

Which was why Connor didn’t think anything of it when he told Evan he needed to get something from his room.

Evan did though. He was obviously thinking something.

Connor pushed the button for eight before he could work out what.

Evan cleared his throat as he followed Connor out. “I’m on seven.”

Connor squinted at him for a moment. “You need to go to your room first?”

Evan shook his head. “No. I just... I’m in 716. I just thought...”

He shrugged.

Connor nodded because that was fair. That was good information to have. “I’m in 812.”

The door to 812 was cracked open when they got there.

Connor closed his eyes. “Cole must be in. I’ll just be a minute.”

He hurried over to his desk. He tried not to worry about what it looked like. About what any of his things looked like. He tried not to think about what they looked like to someone who had never seen them before.

He’d never worried about that before. Because he’d never had a reason to worry about it. It wasn’t like he’d had a lot of people over when he was in high school.

Or any people. No one had seen his room except his family. He hadn’t even let the cleaning lady in. His parents had gone along with that, surprisingly. It had been one of their many half-hearted attempts at respecting his boundaries.

His room at home was different than his dorm. It was cleaner. His mother saw to that. 

It didn’t contain much personality. His mother had seen to that too.

His side of the dorm showed more of his personality than his bedroom ever had. 

He tried not to wonder what Evan thought of his posters and his books and his mess.

He chose to focus on Cole instead.

He rolled his eyes when he saw the way Cole was scowling at the floor. “Cole, Evan. Evan, Cole.”

Cole’s expression turned murderous when he spun around to face Evan. “Are you a witch too?”

Evan looked dumbfounded. Rightfully so. “Um...”

Connor had to bite his lip to keep from laughing when their eyes met.

Evan chewed his lip like he was trying not to laugh too. “I prefer the term wizard, actually.”

Cole’s mouth dropped open. He spun back around like he had been very personally offended.

Connor leaned over to hide his amusement. He knew there was a reason they were friends.

He felt around his desk until he found the notebook he was looking for. “You ready?”

Evan nodded weakly.

They held it together until they were halfway down the hall.

“Okay, um...” Evan struggled to catch his breath when his laughter finally subsided. “So, that was Cole?”

“Really makes you appreciate Ryan, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Evan glanced at him quickly. “You’re not actually... are you?”

Connor couldn’t resist giving Evan a look that suggested he was.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with it if you are,” Evan said shrilly. “As long as you’re a good witch, I mean. As in one who isn’t secretly plotting to, like, sacrifice me to the moon or something.”

Connor snorted and pushed the button for the elevator. “I’m not a witch. I never told him I was. He took one look at me and came to that conclusion on his own.”

“Oh.” Evan’s mouth twisted to the side. “And you didn’t correct him?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Connor jabbed the button again. “Besides, it’s not like it’s the worst thing someone’s said about me. I’ll take witch over school shooter any day.”

Connor clenched his teeth when he realized what he’d said. He hopped in the elevator as soon as the doors started to open.

It was a short ride. A short, quiet ride. The elevator didn’t make any other stops and neither of them had anything to say.

Not then at least. Not while they were moving.

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets and started towards the lounge. 

Evan stepped in front of him before he could sit down. “Jared can be a real jerk sometimes.” 

Connor snorted because that was the truth.

Evan’s eyes darted around aimlessly. “I wasn’t laughing with him last year. You know that, right? I wasn’t laughing at what he said. I was laughing at the situation. I was... I was nervous and... It was a nervous laugh, not a ha-ha, that’s funny laugh.”

Connor had known that. Not while it was happening, but later.

It was why he’d regretted pushing Evan. It was why Evan hadn’t made it onto the list of people he wanted to avoid.

It was why he’d thought Evan was a safe choice for a friend.

Not just safe. Good. A good choice.

He didn’t say that right away. He didn’t know how to say it or if he should.

He picked at his pasta until he couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“I know,” Connor finally said. “I realized you weren’t laughing at me later that day. Ms. Ross and I went over the, uh... the whole thing over and over again until...”

He shrugged.

Evan nodded like he understood.

Connor nodded too.

The room fell silent again.

Evan broke the silence that time. “Did you know it’s Family Weekend next weekend?”

Connor cringed because he did. “Don’t remind me.”

His parents drove up on Friday afternoon. His father took off work and everything.

They were making a whole weekend of it. They’d booked a hotel room even though they only lived forty minutes away.

Zoe didn’t come with them. Connor wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad about that. 

She sent him a picture of her lounging on her friend Nicole’s couch while she ate a giant cinnamon pretzel.

She didn’t caption it.

She didn’t need to caption it.

Connor knew exactly what she was saying.

She was free to eat junk food and put her feet on the furniture and do as she pleased.

He was not.

He was stuck spending the weekend with their parents.

He didn’t bother writing back.

Evan went out to dinner with them.

Connor hadn’t seen a way around that. Not after his mother heard that Evan’s mother was only coming up for the day on Saturday.

Not when his parents were that eager to meet his friend.

He tried to look on the bright side. It would be nice to have someone there who wasn’t criticizing his every decision.

It would be nice for him at least.

He suspected it wouldn’t be so nice for Evan. He suspected his parents would be in full interrogation mode. He suspected the dinner would be anything but pleasant.

He should’ve known his instincts were wrong.

His parents were on their best behavior that night. They were sweet and charming and considerate.

So was Evan. He actually laughed at every corny joke they made.

Connor tried giving him a look to say that wasn’t necessary, but he didn’t notice. Or he didn’t care.

Or maybe he really did think Larry Murphy deserved to have his very own comedy special on Netflix.

He laughed like he thought he did. 

He smiled like he thought Cynthia Murphy was the nicest woman on the planet.

He answered their questions and used his manners and acted like the good influence they’d always hoped their son would find.

Which he was. Connor realized that with a start.

He also realized he didn’t care about that. 

If that wasn’t progress, he didn’t know what was.

His parents dropped them off outside the dorm. For one, brief horrifying second, Connor thought they were going to invite themselves in. 

They didn’t though. They simply said they’d see him in the morning and then they were on their way.

Connor’s stomach twisted as he watched them go. He blinked when he saw how panicked Evan looked. “What’s wrong with you?”

Evan exhaled like he’d been holding his breath for hours. “Okay, so I’m never going to see your parents again, right?”

Connor didn’t bother hiding his amusement. “You don’t like them?”

Evan’s eyes practically bulged out of his head. “No! I do! I just... That was a disaster.”

Connor didn’t follow that at all. “You think that was a disaster?”

“I couldn’t stop talking. It was like I couldn’t stop talking. Why do I do that? Why do I always...” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. “They probably think I’m the biggest spaz in the history of the world.”

“They loved you.”

“They did not,” Evan scoffed.

“They really did.” Connor smirked when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He glanced at the text quickly before holding it up for Evan to read. “See.”

“They want me to come to breakfast with you?”

“Told you.”

“I’m not doing that!”

“Why not?”

“Because...” Evan sighed like it was all too much for him.

“Too soon?”

Evan nodded firmly. “Way too soon.”

Connor pretended to type. “Dear Mom, Evan needs a recovery time of at least 48 hours before he can even consider-”

He nearly dropped his phone when Evan shoved his arm.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. His ears went red as he stared at his feet.

Connor pocketed his phone just in case. “I’ll tell them you already have plans.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Connor yawned and stretched so far he accidentally whacked the back of his father’s head. He didn’t sound the least bit apologetic when he said, “Sorry.”

“You’re bored,” Larry observed.

Connor nodded slowly.

“You know they made it to the championship last year, don’t you? They’re one of the best teams in the state.”

“Yeah. You mentioned that.”

“You go here. Don’t you have even a little bit of school spirit?”

Connor pretended he hadn’t heard the question. He checked the time in a way that made his father frown.

“If you’re going to act like that, you may as well go join your mother at the spa.”

“Wait, that’s an option?”

Larry stared straight ahead like he could no longer hear his son.

That was what Connor had been waiting for.

He slipped his earbuds in and closed his eyes so he could enjoy the rest of the game in peace.

It was the only bit of peace he got all weekend.

It was the longest weekend of his life and that included the time his family went camping. 

The one and only time they went camping. They never even talked about trying that again.

He was exhausted after his parents went home.

He was so exhausted he didn’t even feel like going to the lounge. He texted Evan to let him know. He silenced his phone before he got a response.

Cole was in the room when he got there.

He was so tired he couldn’t bring himself to be upset about that.

He flopped onto his bed and rolled over so he was facing Cole. “Some weekend, huh?”

“My parents just left.”

Connor nodded sympathetically.

“I miss them already.”

Connor rolled onto his back so he could stare at the ceiling instead.

There were over a dozen texts waiting for him when he woke up.

All of them from Zoe.

All of them telling him how much fun their parents had had. 

_They want to do it again next weekend._

Connor shook his head at his phone. _Shut your mouth._

The next weekend ended up being an unofficial Family Weekend for Connor.

His parents didn’t come back though, thankfully.

It was Zoe’s turn to show up instead.

She showed up because their parents had gone away and she’d freaked out about staying in the house alone and decided crashing at her brother’s dorm was her best option.

The fact that she thought that made Connor’s head spin. In a good way.

She hugged him as soon as he let her in.

It was enough to make his head spin again.

In a good way.

He only hesitated a second before returning the hug. 

She beamed as she scooped her things back up. “So, this is your place.”

Her smile widened when she spotted Evan hovering in the background. “You must be Evan.”

She said it in a tone that made all the warm, fuzzy feelings Connor had been having disappear.

He narrowed his eyes at his sister.

She ignored him and focused on Evan instead. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

Connor cleared his throat, but it was like he wasn’t there.

“We met last year,” Zoe said. She made a face when she heard herself. “Sort of. I saw you when...”

When Connor had pushed him.

She stopped herself before she got that far. 

“Someone told me your name later,” Zoe went on. “I’m Zoe, by the way. I don’t know if Connor told you that. His manners aren’t always the best.”

“Do you want to sleep in your car?” Connor snapped.

Zoe put a hand on her hip and waved one of her unicorn’s hooves at him. “You would make Mr. Sparkles sleep in the car?”

“Mr. Sparkles can stay. You, on the other hand...”

Zoe nodded at the elevator. “Which way to your room?”

Connor took her to Evan’s room instead. He didn’t feel like introducing her to Cole. And he really didn’t feel like hearing Cole bitch about having an unexpected overnight guest.

Evan didn’t seem to mind having them stay over. He gave his roommate a heads up and Ryan agreed to clear out for the night.

It didn’t take them long to get settled in. 

It was early when they were done. Really early. Barely after nine.

Zoe suggested they go out.

It didn’t take much convincing for them to agree.

“See,” Zoe said as she licked her cone. “This is why I can’t wait for college.”

Connor licked a bit of ice cream off his finger. “Unlimited ice cream?”

“Freedom. No curfews, no bedtimes-”

“You haven’t had a bedtime since you were fifteen.”

“No one making me feel bad for staying up ‘til two.”

“Let’s hope you have a likeminded roommate.”

Zoe tossed her wrapper in the trashcan. “You two weren't seriously going to stay in the basement all night, were you?”

Evan froze like the question embarrassed him to his core. “We...”

Zoe waved her arms as she spun around. “There’s so much going on. Where should we go first?”

There was a lot going on. Every building surrounding the quad was totally lit up.

Evan studied his phone like he was defusing a bomb. “There’s a guest lecturer in the-”

“Pass,” Connor said.

“You don’t even know the subject.”

“Is it one I’d like?”

Evan shook his head. 

“Is it one you’d like?”

Evan shook his head again. “There’s a concert at the-”

Zoe snapped her fingers. “What kind of concert?”

She grabbed Evan’s phone before he could respond. “Okay, where’s Moyer Hall? We need to hurry if we’re going to get seats.”

Connor grabbed his sister’s wrist before she could poke him a third time. He kept his eyes closed as he shoved it away from him. 

“Come on,” Zoe whined. “It’s time to get up.”

“Early,” Connor groaned into his pillow.

“Not that early.”

“Time?”

“Almost eight.”

Connor’s eyes flew open. “Really early.”

“I need to get home. I have an essay to finish and...” She nudged his shoulder with her foot. “Aren’t you going to feed me before I go?”

“Feed you? Isn’t it enough that I-”

“You woke Evan up!”

Connor rolled over to confirm that was true.

Evan looked even sleepier than Connor felt.

“Go back to sleep,” Connor muttered. “I’ll come back for my things.”

He prodded Zoe out of the room before he could change his mind.

She smiled triumphantly. “Are you going to breakfast like that?”

Connor shrugged. “It’s Sunday morning. We’re going to the kiosk across from the dining hall because that’s not even open yet.”

“It’s not?”

“The dining hall doesn’t start serving until ten.”

Zoe wrinkled her nose. “You’re not even wearing shoes.”

Connor blinked and then shrugged. “I bet we’ll see, like, five people, max.”

They saw four, including the guy who handed them their coffee.

They took their food and sat on the bench across from the stand.

“I like it here,” Zoe decided.

Connor didn’t like the sound of that. “You’re going to Hawaii next year, aren’t you?”

“That was a joke.”

“A joke?”

“Wishful thinking,” Zoe shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m applying to a few schools.”

She lowered her eyes as she sipped her coffee. “Including this one.”

She flinched like she knew what was going through Connor’s head. “It has a good music program.”

“You want to go to the same school as-”

“There’s one I really like in Ohio. I’ll probably go there.”

Connor rubbed his forehead. It was way too early for this conversation. 

“Would it be that bad though? If we went to the same...” Zoe blew on her coffee when she saw Connor’s expression. “What are you doing today?”

Connor didn’t like the sound of that either. “You said you have an essay to finish?”

Zoe stared at her hands. “Yeah.”

“So, you should probably...”

She reached for her bag. “Yeah.”

Connor hadn’t been trick-or-treating since he was twelve. 

It wasn’t something he’d ever planned on doing again. It had stopped being fun when his parents decided he was old enough to go without them as long as he went with his friends.

With the friends they were convinced he had.

They’d been confused when he decided to stay home instead.

He didn’t tell them he was going trick-or-treating with Evan and Ryan and a group of Ryan’s friends.

He knew what they’d say. He knew his mother would think it was cute. He knew his father would think he was too old.

He knew Zoe would tell them if he told her.

He put together a vampire costume at the last minute. It wasn’t much of a costume and mainly relied on the stage makeup Evan brought up to his room.

Cole’s expression as he watched them get ready made the whole thing feel worthwhile.

He added extra blood to his neck before he followed Evan out the door.

They went to the basement lounge when they were done. 

They went there even though Ryan clearly thought they were crazy for skipping the party that the rest of the group was going to.

They dumped their bags on the table and started sorting through their stash.

“You can have all the Tootsie Rolls,” Evan said.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

“I’m serious. I hate those things.”

“You can have the Almond Joys.”

“You can have the candy corn.”

“I don’t want those either!”

“You want to give them to Cole?”

Connor’s face lit up. “I’ll leave them under his pillow like he was visited by some kind of demented tooth fairy.”

Evan hummed at that. “Dibs on the Reese’s.”

“No way. We’re splitting those.”

Evan shrugged like that was fair. “I don’t think anyone got my costume.”

“You’re clearly a mime.”

“I know, but...” Evan sighed. “I heard two of Ryan’s friends trying to guess what I am.”

“The two who were dressed like Doctor Who?”

Evan nodded.

“The two who spent the whole night arguing because they both thought they had dibs on that costume?”

Evan nodded again. “Okay. I see your point.”

Connor tapped his chin. “Favorite Halloween costume, go.”

“Definitely the year I was-”

“Let me guess. A tree?”

“I was never a tree.”

“Never?” Connor laughed.

Evan shook his head. “I was a pumpkin, a doctor, a skeleton, Wolverine, Harry Potter-”

“I was Harry Potter too!”

“Fourth grade?”

“Third and fourth.”

“That was my favorite.”

“Mine too.”

“Really?”

Connor nodded. “That and the year I was a hurricane. I painted all these clouds and... What?”

“I remember that. I think I do anyway.”

“I wore it to school, so...”

“Yeah.”

Connor picked at the pile in front of them. “Dibs on the Kit Kats.”

Evan shook his head. “No way.”


	5. Freshman Year - November

The student center was so crowded that Connor wondered if they’d stumbled upon an event of some kind. 

It wasn’t a very organized event. Or cohesive. 

It only took Connor a second to decide the center was just crowded because it was a Saturday night and people were bored.

He wasn’t bored. He was hungry. He was practically starving because he’d skipped dinner to go to Professor Mansfield’s crazy play.

He needed food. He needed food fast.

The food court was packed because of course it was. That was just his luck.

He scanned the room until his eyes landed on the taco stand. “Nachos?”

“Sure,” Evan shrugged. 

They got their food and sat down because nachos did not travel well. And Connor was so hungry he thought he’d pass out if he didn’t eat right away.

And people watching was fun.

There was a guy wearing a Batman onesie at the table next to them. 

Connor jerked his head to the left as subtly as he possibly could. Evan’s shoulders shook like he was trying not to laugh. 

The guy bolted up like he’d heard something they hadn’t. His cape swished as he charged towards the door.

“The Penguin must be on the loose again,” Connor grinned.

Evan shook his head. “I’d never do that.”

“Do what? Fight crime?”

“Wear a onesie in public. Do you think that was a dare?”

“No one was recording him.”

“No one was even looking at him.” Evan snorted. “Except us.”

“So, that makes us the weird ones?”

“Maybe he went to meet cat girl. You know, the cat girl from my English class. Did I tell you she stepped it up this week? I saw tiny cats painted on her nails.”

“Maybe she’s friends with the horse girl in my English class.”

“Does she wear a tail?”

Connor shook his head.

“She has nothing on cat girl then.” 

Connor pointed at a couple sitting three tables to their right. “What do you think? First date, last date, or friends?”

Evan turned to see. “Um. I don’t know. They’re holding hands, so probably not friends?”

“Friends can hold hands.”

“I said probably not.” Evan scratched his chin and shrugged. “What do you think?”

Connor studied them for a moment. They looked happy and excited, but also comfortable, like they weren’t nervous about getting garlic breath from their pizza. “They’ve been going out for two months and one week.”

“Two months and one week?” Evan laughed. “That’s specific.”

“They met at orientation. She asked him out.” He blinked at Evan’s confusion. “She’s obviously the dominant one in that relationship.”

Evan laughed again, a bit longer that time.

“My mom and I used to play this game,” Connor explained. “Whenever we went somewhere and it was just the two of us, we’d make up stories about the people we saw.”

They did it because the therapist Connor saw after the thing with the printer thought it would help him understand people’s motivations and realize the world wasn’t out to get him. It hadn’t actually helped in that sense, but they’d kept it up because Connor had an active imagination and Cynthia loved drama.

He didn’t explain that to Evan. There was no way he was explaining that.

Evan smiled slightly. “My mom and I just played I Spy. You know, like I spy something red and... What about those two?”

It took Connor a second to follow that. He snorted when he saw the guys Evan was pointing at.

The ones who were cracking up while they poured almost a gallon of mustard on their fries.

“High.”

“You think they’re high?” Evan tilted his head like that hadn’t even occurred to him.

Which it probably hadn’t.

“Definitely high. So high I’m surprised they’re still standing.”

“How do you...” Evan’s mouth snapped shut. He stared at the nachos before shoving a particularly cheesy one in his mouth.

“Because I do.”

Evan nodded rapidly. “Right.” 

Connor sighed and decided to pull off the band-aid. “I don’t do it as much as I used to.”

“Okay.”

Connor picked at his nails. There was a particularly stubborn spot under one of them. He decided it must be ink. 

Evan looked around aimlessly. “The smell gives me a headache.”

“There are other ways you can-”

“I’m pretty sure it’d freak me out. Like it’d be bad. Like really bad.”

Connor could see that. “Probably.”

“So.”

“So,” Connor grinned. “This isn’t an after school special. I’m not going to peer pressure you into trying weed.”

“I appreciate that.” Evan stared at his hands as they twisted around in front of him. “Does it help?”

“With what? The pain of my everyday existence?”

“With...” Evan puffed his cheeks out for a second. “The only reason I’ve ever even considered it is to calm down. Like if it could just make me... you know. Not...”

He gestured at himself before burying his head in his arms.

“It’s calming sometimes,” Connor admitted. “To the point where it makes me feel numb and dazed, like nothing matters.”

“Sometimes, but not all the time?”

Connor shook his head. “Not all the time.”

That was the reason he’d cut back. Not because of his health. Not because it embarrassed his parents to have a stoner son. Not for safety reasons.

Because he didn’t like the times it didn’t calm him. Because he didn’t like the way it took whatever mood he was in and magnified it. Because he knew there were better ways to calm himself down.

He didn’t miss it. He didn’t feel like he needed it the way he had before. He just used it once in a while when he was in the mood.

Evan’s head popped up like he was over the conversation. Or maybe he didn’t know what else to say. He pointed at a trio of girls by the vending machines. “Girl group or witch coven?”

Connor tapped his chin. He took in their outfits, the way they were coordinated but didn’t match. He noted the way they were scoping out the room and posing. “Sorority girls.”

Evan gave a slight nod. “Witches then.”

Connor nodded too. “Definitely witches.”

Connor pulled his earbuds out when he realized that Cole was trying to get his attention.

By leaning over him. His face was inches away from Connor’s. 

Connor startled so violently he nearly fell off his bed. “Jeez... What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Cole didn’t look the least bit upset about his outburst. “We have to be out of here by noon.”

Connor nodded slowly. “I know.”

“It’s-”

“I know the time.”

And he did. He was well-aware of the fact that he had ten minutes to leave before the dorm closed for Thanksgiving break.

“Have you even started packing?”

Connor shrugged. He had. Sort of. He’d packed the books he’d need that weekend. He wasn’t worried about clothes. He had enough of them at home that he could make do for a few days.

“Have you-”

“You’re going to miss your flight.”

Cole chewed his lip. “It doesn’t leave for-”

“But traffic’s going to be a nightmare and the airport...” Connor let out a low whistle.

Cole turned on his heel. “I’ll see you Sunday.”

“I can’t wait.”

Connor grinned because he meant it. 

He couldn’t wait to get back. 

The parking lot was almost empty when they got there.

Which made it easy for Connor to tell what, or rather who, Evan was staring at.

He raised his eyebrows until Evan asked if he knew the girl parked across from them, the one he was staring at like...

Connor didn’t recognize that look. 

“Do you?” Connor countered.

Evan threw himself into the car so quickly that Connor took that as a yes. He glanced at the girl again before climbing in too. She looked kind of familiar. More than kind of. He was pretty sure she sat across from him in Mansfield’s class.

“I think she’s in one of my classes,” Connor said slowly.

Evan snorted and nodded. “I saw her at your professor’s show.”

Connor twisted around to look him in the eye. “And you... what? Think she’s cute?”

Evan shook his head. “I mean, she’s cute and all, but that’s not... She likes you.”

That statement did not compute. 

Connor stared straight ahead while he tried to get the joke. 

One look at Evan told him there wasn’t one. 

He inhaled shakily. “What makes you say that?”

Evan slid down a bit in his seat. “Because she approached me... Well, actually, her friend approached me. She looked like she wanted to die. Her friend approached me after the show and...” Evan shrugged. “She likes you.”

Connor was glad he hadn’t started driving yet because his brain could not process that information. That a random girl he sort of recognized liked him, that Evan expected him to...

What? Be happy about that? Ask her out on the spot?

He didn’t want to do that. He had no interest in doing that. In any of it, really.

He could see what Evan meant. The girl was cute and he was pretty sure she was the one who’d made that joke about _Moby Dick_ that had made him laugh so hard he’d hiccupped, but still.

He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Around any of it.

He tilted his head at Evan. “What do you expect me to do with that?”

Evan blinked like he hadn’t gotten that far yet. “I... I don’t know.”

“What would you do with that information?”

Evan blinked again. “I don’t know. Panic, probably. And avoid her, all the while coming up with increasingly complicated scenarios in which I-”

“I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“In theory.”

“Oh.” Evan looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “In theory?”

“I’m not a practicing gay.”

The car fell silent for a moment.

Connor allowed himself to glance at Evan quickly before pretending to check his phone. 

Evan didn’t look horrified or upset or surprised. Which wasn’t really a surprise when Connor stopped and thought about it. He wouldn’t have said anything if he’d thought the reaction would be negative.

A small chuckle slipped out of Evan. “I’m bi... in theory.”

The car fell silent again.

“I don’t know if I’m totally gay,” Connor admitted. “If I had to guess, I’d say I’m probably around a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale.”

“I think I’m a solid 3.”

“I’ve never really felt the need to put a label on it.”

“You don’t have to put a label on it.”

Connor nodded slightly. He shifted in his seat and started the engine and backed out of the spot.

It felt weird to say those words out loud. He’d told his family he was gay and that was it. He’d never mentioned his suspicion that he may be at least somewhat interested in girls too. He hadn’t wanted to confuse them or give them what might end up being a false hope.

He stopped at the stop sign and looked at Evan again. “It’s theoretical for you too?”

The question came out softer than he’d anticipated. 

“Oh, no,” Evan deadpanned. “I’m having sex. You have no idea how much sex I’m having. And what kinds. All kinds. You name it, I’ve-”

Connor snorted. 

“-done it,” Evan finished with a grin.

Connor smirked as he flipped the turn signal on. It wasn’t a surprise. It was almost a relief. It wasn’t something he’d ever really worried or even thought about, but he had to admit it was kind of nice to know he wasn’t the only person his age still in the theoretical stage.

He adjusted the volume when a song he liked came on. “So, theoretical then?”

Evan nodded slowly. “Purely theoretical.”

Traffic was terrible. What should have been a forty-minute drive was shaping up to be a two hour one.

Connor felt like putting the car in park when they reached another jam.

He fiddled with his playlists instead. He felt restless, like nothing he put on sounded right.

He switched to the radio when he decided everything he liked was crap. “They’ve started playing Christmas music already.”

“Thanksgiving’s tomorrow, so you know it’s basically Christmas.”

“My mom’s been playing it for weeks. She always starts on Halloween. Zoe sent me a video of her dancing to ‘Santa Baby’ while she was making a pie the other day.”

Connor grabbed his phone so he could show Evan the video. He made sure no one was moving before he hit play.

It was short. Zoe had only managed to record a few seconds before their mother noticed and tossed a dish towel at her.

Connor frowned when he saw the way Evan was staring at the screen. “What?”

Evan jumped and pressed his forehead against the window. “Nothing.”

It obviously wasn’t nothing. “What?”

Evan squinted at the window. “I think we’re moving.”

The car behind them blared its horn before Connor could argue.

He inched forward and then stopped. That was as far as he could go. 

He sighed and leaned back against the headrest. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

He shook his head because he couldn’t tell if Evan didn’t understand the question or if he was just pretending. “That look.”

Evan stared at his hands. “Your mom was making an apple pie?”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged.

“For Thanksgiving?”

“She starts baking the week before.”

“Oh.”

Something twisted in Connor’s gut. He leaned forward like he was trying to see what the holdup was. “What’re you doing tomorrow? You never said.”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing as in...”

“Nothing,” Evan shrugged. “My mom has to work.”

“On Thanksgiving?”

“It’s one of their busiest days.”

“Lucky,” Connor grinned.

“That people hurt themselves a lot around the holidays?”

“That you don’t have to deal with dozens of relatives telling you all the ways you and every member of your generation are destroying the world.”

“That’s how you spend your Thanksgiving?”

“If I’m lucky,” Connor nodded. “If I’m not, then it gets personal.”

“Personal?”

Connor nodded again. “Personal.”

Evan’s brow furrowed like he didn’t know what to say. “At least you’ll get to eat pie.”

“Pie is good.”

“Pie is really good.”

It occurred to Connor that he could invite Evan to join them. His parents wouldn’t care. He was pretty sure they’d be thrilled, actually.

The invitation bounced around on the tip of his tongue. He considered it and considered it and...

He wondered if it was a weird thing to ask. Because his family was nuts and they’d only been friends for a few months and he’d just admitted he was gay and...

He shook his shoulders when the cars in front of them started creeping forward again. “I’ll save you a piece.”


	6. Freshman Year - December

Connor couldn’t take it anymore. The clicking. The never-ending clicking that was coming from Cole’s side of the room.

He clenched his fists and forced himself to breathe.

And then he spun around to ask Cole to stop.

It came out as an order. A barking demand.

Cole did not take it well. He found a way to click his pen even louder. 

Connor grabbed his bag and his books and stormed out of the room without another word. He slammed the door behind him in case his point hadn’t been clear.

He blinked as he glanced around the hallway. It was quiet out there. Strangely quiet. He’d never seen it that calm before.

Everyone was studying. 

He needed to study. He needed to find a place to study.

He headed to the basement lounge out of habit. 

He turned around when he got there. 

It was full. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting. It had been full for days. There wasn’t even room on the floor.

He weighed his options while he waited for the elevator. He could tell everyone in the lounge to get the hell out of there because it was his room. His and Evan’s. 

He had a feeling that wouldn’t go over well. 

He could go back to his room and try to ignore Cole. He could try the library. There might be an empty table there. 

He hit the button for seven without thinking. He went straight to 716.

He knocked on the door and waited and then knocked again. 

He pressed his ear against the door.

Nothing.

He wondered if that meant no one was in. 

He wondered if Evan had actually found a quiet place to study. 

He wondered if Ryan was in there with a guest.

He jumped away from the door when that thought occurred to him. 

He turned to go. Something squeaked inside the room before he could.

A mattress.

That had definitely been the sound of mattress springs squeaking.

The squeaking was quickly followed by a thump and then the sound of someone stumbling across the room.

Connor decided to knock again.

He felt like it was a win-win situation. Either Evan was in there and he’d found a place to study or he could mess with Ryan for sexiling Evan again.

The door opened slowly.

It was Evan. A very sleepy Evan. His hair was sticking up and he was wearing a t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

It was adorable.

In a puppy way. Just in a puppy way.

Connor lowered his eyes. “Did I wake you?”

Evan blinked like he didn’t understand the question. “What time is it?”

“3:45.”

Evan nodded like that sounded right. “I was taking a nap.”

“Oh. I can...” Connor glanced over his shoulder.

Evan shook his head. “I should get up. I need to get up.”

“I need to study.”

Evan stepped back so he could come in. “I need to do that too.”

Connor flicked the light on because apparently it hadn’t occurred to Evan that they needed light to study. “I’ve been trying to study all afternoon, but Cole’s been making it impossible.”

“What’s he been doing?”

“Doing? He doesn’t have to do anything. Just his existence, just the way he breathes and sighs and clicks his pen. And he wouldn’t take any of my suggestions. He wouldn’t turn his pages quieter or type quieter or-” He frowned when he saw that Evan was putting on his shoes. “What are you doing?”

Evan slipped on a sweatshirt. “When was the last time you ate?”

“You’re hungry?”

“You’re hungry,” Evan grinned. “You only get like this when you haven’t eaten.”

Connor blinked at that. “Dinner doesn’t start for an hour.”

Evan sighed and reached across his desk. “Eat this then.”

Connor wrinkled his nose. “A granola bar? I’m not eating that.”

“Your blood sugar’s too low to be picky right now.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not!”

Evan shrugged and put the bar down. “Fine, you’re not hungry.”

“I’m not!”

“I just said you weren’t.” Evan smirked when Connor opened his mouth to argue. “The fact that you still want to argue about whether or not you’re hungry tells me-”

“I get argumentative when I’m hungry?”

“Among other things,” Evan nodded.

Connor tried not to sulk as he grabbed the granola bar.

He had to admit he felt a bit better when he took a bite.

He had to admit it to himself. Not out loud. There was no way he was saying that out loud while Evan was beaming at him like he’d solved a particularly challenging equation.

He decided to change the subject before Evan could look too smug. “Your biology final’s in the morning, right?”

Evan stifled a yawn and nodded. “Same time as your history exam.”

“And then you’re done?”

“We’re done. It’s your last one too.”

“Right.” Connor dropped his bag on the floor and sat down. “The dorms close on Sunday, right?”

Evan smiled knowingly. “You’re staying here until the last possible second?”

Connor shrugged because that had been his plan. “Do you need a ride?”

Evan stared at his hands. “Maybe? I don’t know. My mom said she’d come get me, but she’s not always the most... Her schedule’s crazy and she gets called into work at the last minute sometimes and...”

“I can take you.”

“Are you-”

“I’m sure.” Connor grinned as he opened his history book. “But not until Sunday.”

Evan chewed his lip. “The building closes at twelve.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “I’ll meet you in the lobby at 11:59.”

Being home was weird.

Waking up before his family was even weirder.

The amount of caffeine he’d consumed during finals week was still doing a number on him.

He decided to go downstairs when it became clear he wasn’t falling back to sleep.

The house was quiet and dark. It was barely after six. 

His mother would be the first one down. He knew the routine. She’d start the coffee and set out the cereal and make sure Zoe had everything she needed for the day.

His father would be next. He’d drink his coffee and check his phone and eat something if he had time.

Zoe would be last. She’d stumble in at the last minute and eat some cereal at their mother’s insistence and run out the door so she wouldn’t be late.

Somehow Connor doubted the routine had changed since he’d left.

He was willing to bet the mood had though. He was sure it was calmer, more peaceful without him. 

He pushed that thought away.

He decided he’d start the coffee for a change.

He leaned against the counter while he waited for it to brew. 

He jumped into a defensive pose when the kitchen door suddenly swung open.

Zoe spotted him first. She laughed when their eyes met. “What were going to do? Karate chop us to death?”

Connor turned around to pour himself some coffee. “I thought you were a burglar.”

“My question still stands.”

He took his time blowing on his coffee, even though it wasn’t really hot. “I didn’t think anyone was up.”

Zoe glanced over her shoulder at their father. “Did you beat your time?”

Larry gasped for breath as he shook his head.

Connor’s brow furrowed as he looked between them. “Were you two...”

He couldn’t finish that sentence. The thought of it was too weird.

No one in his family ran.

His mother did yoga and Pilates and things like that.

His father golfed.

Zoe danced.

No one ran.

At least they hadn’t before.

He wondered what else had changed since he’d left for college.

Zoe chewed her lip and avoided their father’s stare. “Dad had a physical last month and-”

“I’m fine,” Larry interrupted.

“He needs to get more exercise.”

“There’s nothing to worry about.”

Connor bristled at his father’s tone. It was sharp, like he didn’t expect Connor to worry anyway.

Or maybe that was just in Connor’s head.

He reminded himself it was possible he was reading too much into it.

He jumped when someone squeezed his shoulder.

“You’re up early,” Cynthia smiled. Her smile widened when she saw he’d started the coffee.

“I’m still on my finals schedule.”

Zoe scooted over so she was facing Connor. “We go jogging at least three times a week now. You should join us.”

Connor snorted at that. “No, thanks.”

“It’s fun.”

“Fun?”

“Well, not fun exactly, but-”

Larry fanned himself and started for the door. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Me too,” Zoe chirped. She pointed a finger at Connor. “Think about it.”

He shook his head at her back.

His mother was still smiling when he turned around.

“What are your plans for the day?”

“Plans?”

“Are you doing anything special?”

He’d been planning to spend the day on the couch, watching really terrible tv shows. 

He knew better than to say that out loud though, especially when his mother had a glint in her eye. 

“My garden club’s hosting a luncheon this afternoon,” Cynthia said. “It’s at Delores’s house. You remember Delores, don’t you?”

Connor had no clue who Delores was. He nodded anyway.

Judging from his mother’s expression, that had been the right response.

“Her grandson’s staying with her for the holidays. He got in on Friday.” Cynthia leaned forward conspiratorially. “He’s gay too.”

That did it.

Connor couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m going back to bed.”

“I’m leaving at twelve if you want to...”

She stopped speaking when she realized he was halfway up the stairs.

Connor dreaded his family’s New Year’s Eve party every year.

He dreaded it even when he didn’t go to it, when he planned his absence from the start.

He hated having that many people in his house. He hated the way they expected him to talk to them and know who they were and why they were there.

Zoe didn’t care for it much either. At least she had friends there though. She always invited a group of her friends and they formed a sub-party in the basement.

Connor joined them some years. For a minute or two. If he was in the mood. 

Most years, he hid in his room or snuck out.

He knew he couldn’t sneak out this time though. He’d invited Evan and Evan had said yes and he knew it would be rude if he disappeared when he had a friend coming over.

If Evan even came.

It didn’t take him long to convince himself that Evan wasn’t actually going to show up.

Which was why he was confused when Evan appeared at his side.

He was glad though.

So glad that he shelved his plan to climb out the basement window and make a run for it.

They joined the main party just before midnight at Cynthia’s insistence. Connor didn’t mind. He was in a good mood. Seeing Troy’s face when he beat him every time had made his day, his week, maybe even his year.

Evan fell into step with him as they all poured into the living room. “You’re good at that game.”

“I’ve had lots of practice.”

“I can tell.”

Connor looked at him quickly. “You didn’t want to play?”

“I suck at those games. So much. Like, it isn’t even funny how much I suck at them.”

“We’ll work on that next semester.”

Evan raised an eyebrow. “Is that a promise or a threat?”

The commotion behind them distracted Connor before he had a chance to respond.

Troy was still pissed about losing. Connor rolled his eyes when Zoe’s friend Nicole tried to make him feel better by cooing that Connor had probably taken something that made his reflexes faster.

Evan rocked back on his heels anxiously. “Troy doesn’t look happy.”

Connor didn’t even try to hide his amusement. “He needs more practice.”

The countdown started.

Connor turned to watch the ball drop. 

He glanced over his shoulder when he heard someone shrieking behind him.

He watched as Nicole stomped on Troy’s foot. He didn’t like the look in her eyes or the way she grinned when she spotted him.

Connor jumped backwards when he saw her coming, but Evan wasn’t fast enough.

Nicole kissed Evan before Evan could react.

Before any of them could react.

The kiss only lasted a second or two before Troy pulled her away and punched Evan’s cheek.

Connor acted on instinct.

He punched Troy before he could strike again, before he could even think about striking again.

The room dissolved into chaos.

Nicole shouted at Troy. Zoe shouted at Nicole.

Connor rolled his eyes when he saw his father pushing his way through the crowd to get to him. He wasn’t surprised when Larry started lecturing him about how he should never solve a problem with violence.

He ignored him. He tuned him out even before Troy tried to lunge at him again.

His mother jumped between them before either of them could make a move. She closed her eyes and took a breath. “Zoe, take Evan to the kitchen and get some ice for his face. Connor, go with them and...”

A small laugh escaped from her mouth. She laughed again when she heard it. “Sorry. That champagne...” She closed her eyes and tried again. “Connor, go soak your hand.”

She nodded at the door. “I think it’s time for the rest of you to go.”

She put a hand out to stop Nicole. “Except you, sweetie. You’re staying here tonight unless one of your parents comes to get you.”

Zoe deflated at that. She shook her head and nudged Evan’s shoulder. “Let’s go get that ice.”

Connor started laughing again when he replayed the night in his head. 

Evan did too. The air mattress made another farting sound when Evan sat up. “Still not me.”

Connor snorted and sat up too. “You know, the more you deny it, the more I think you’re-”

“Passing a lot of noisy but odorless gas?”

Connor nodded.

Evan snapped his fingers and pretended to pout. “You’re onto me.”

“We have stomach medicine if you need it.”

“I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Was that your first kiss?”

The words flew out of Connor’s mouth before his brain had time to process them.

He was glad the room was dark. He was glad his head was tilted back so Evan couldn’t see the look of panic that had crossed his face.

Evan let out an awkward chuckle. “Um.”

“You said things were still theoretical for you,” Connor reminded him. “How theoretical are we talking?”

“I didn’t date anyone in high school.”

“Me neither.”

“At all. Not even like a... I went to the movies once with Jared and this girl he went to camp with. It was supposed to be a group thing. She was supposed to bring a friend or cousin or something. She came alone. I spent the afternoon in the arcade. Jared loves to brag about how he got to first base that day and I couldn’t even win the pink bear for my mom.”

“Do you still talk to him?”

It took Evan a second to get that. “To who? Jared?”

Connor nodded slightly.

“I went to a Hanukkah party at his house.” Evan paused for a beat. “We got into a fight there though, so we’re not really talking anymore, I guess.”

Evan exhaled loudly. “Not that we were that much before. We’ve texted a few times this year and that’s it.”

“You got into a fight with Jared?” Connor sat up so he could look Evan in the eye. “Did you kiss his girlfriend too?”

Evan’s mouth dropped open. “No! I... It was nothing. It was stupid. Typical Jared.”

He drummed his fingers on the floor. “That wasn’t technically my first kiss.”

“It wasn’t?”

Evan shook his head. “My first one was with Callie, this girl in my neighborhood. We were friends growing up, but we drifted apart when we got to middle school. I barely saw her after that and then she came over one day and asked if I’d help her rehearse for a play she was in.”

Connor snorted.

“Yeah, I know, but I was fifteen and she was kind of cute, so... She wanted to practice stage kissing.”

“So, your first kiss was a-”

“Stage kiss. Yeah. She slipped up a couple times though, so I always counted it when Jared asked if I’d ever kissed someone.” Evan tilted his head. “What about you? Have you ever-”

Connor shook his head.

“Oh.”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “You think I’m pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic.”

“You think it is.”

“No! I mean, look at me. I... Callie kissed me by mistake because I was the only person she could find to help her rehearse. And Nicole kissed me to make Troy jealous. And she was originally going for you!”

Connor tapped his chin. “You need to work on your reflexes. You should’ve been able to duck out of the way before she-”

“She’s really fast!”

“You know what would help with that?”

Evan flopped down onto his pillow and sighed at the ceiling. “Video games?”

Connor nodded. “We’ll start tomorrow.”


	7. Freshman Year - January

“So, what happened to Callie?”

Connor didn’t think about what he was saying until he’d said it. He didn’t even think about what he’d been thinking because he hadn’t been thinking anything.

It was late. It was so late that time no longer existed. He’d been lying in his bed for hours or days or minutes. It was impossible to tell which.

Evan was still awake too. He could tell that without looking.

He sat up when Evan sat up.

“Um, what?” Evan laughed.

Which was fair. They’d been lying there in silence for hours or days or minutes. It made sense for Evan to be confused by the question.

Connor was confused by the question and it had come from him.

From his mouth, not from his brain. He hadn’t been thinking about Callie. He hadn’t been thinking about her at all. 

He hadn’t been trying to remember if he’d gone to school with a girl named Callie. 

He really hadn’t. It would’ve been pointless to do that. It wasn’t like he knew all his classmates’ names. It wasn’t like...

“Did she go to school with us?” He wanted to cringe when he heard himself. He really needed to try to fix the connection between his mouth and his brain.

Evan shook his head. “She went to private school. I only ever saw her around the neighborhood.”

“Oh.”

“I think she’s going to school in Vermont now. Or maybe that’s Erica. I forget.”

“Erica?”

“She lives across the street. She went to that art school in Horton.”

“Oh. Did you kiss her too?”

Evan let out a startled laugh. “No. Not even a little bit.”

“How do you kiss someone a little bit?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t.”

“Are you sure? I mean, if it was only a little bit, maybe you-”

“I think I would’ve noticed.” Evan wrinkled his nose. “Erica’s kind of scary. She’s, like, the most intense person I’ve ever met. She’s always in the zone, always thinking about her next move. We haven’t actually spoken to each other since we were kids. She couldn’t pick me out of a lineup if she had to.”

He wrinkled his nose again. “Neither could Callie actually.”

“The kiss was that bad?”

“Kisses,” Evan grinned. “There was more than one.”

“Were they better or worse than Nicole’s?”

“Well, no one punched me after I kissed Callie, so...”

“How’s your face?”

Evan patted his cheek. “Sore.”

“Do you need more ice?”

Evan shook his head. He laughed as he poked at his cheek. “I think I’m going to have a bruise.”

“You’re definitely going to have a bruise.”

Evan’s laughter cut short. “What am I going to tell my mom?”

“That you kissed some guy’s girlfriend and he-”

“She kissed me. I had nothing to do with it!”

“It sounds better if you-”

“Oh my God,” Evan groaned. “No. I’m not telling my mom that.”

“You don’t think she’d take that well?”

Evan blinked like he couldn’t wrap his mind around that. “I don’t think she’d believe me.”

“She’d think you made it up?”

“She...” Evan puffed his cheeks out and exhaled slowly. “I have no idea what she’d say actually. She’d probably laugh and tell me...” Evan shook his head dazedly.

“That you’re quite the ladies’ man?”

Evan snorted.

“That’s what my dad said.”

“I know.”

“He said you must have quite the way with the ladies.”

“I’m never going to be able to look either of your parents in the eye again.” Evan flopped back down and buried his face in the pillow.

The air mattress made its loudest farting sound yet.

“Let me guess,” Connor laughed. “That wasn’t you?” 

“No, it was.”

“Really?”

“No.”

The best part about being home for five weeks was staying home while everyone else went on with their regular lives.

Connor loved reminding Zoe about that every chance he got. He loved reminding her that she had to go to school and he didn’t, that she had homework and he didn’t, that she had to get up early and he didn’t.

Sometimes he woke up early just so he could tell her he was going back to sleep. 

She didn’t seem to find that nearly as amusing as he did.

It took her over a week to get her revenge.

It caught Connor off-guard. He hadn’t been expecting it at all. They’d never had that kind of relationship. They’d never really had any kind of relationship. Not since they were kids and even then, it hadn’t been the kind where they teased each other and played pranks and plotted revenge.

The morning started off well. He emerged from his room right as she was about to run down the stairs. He yawned and stretched and announced that he was going back to bed.

He knew he was in trouble when he saw the way she froze.

“Mom!” Zoe yelled down the stairs. Her face lit up when their mother poked her head out of the kitchen. “Connor wants to know what time you’re leaving.”

Cynthia’s brow furrowed until she saw Connor standing in the background. “You’re coming with me?”

Connor didn’t follow that all. He felt dizzy when he tried to figure out what Zoe was doing.

“He just told me he is.” Zoe smirked in his direction. “He said he’s tired of sitting around here all day.”

“I’m leaving in fifteen minutes,” Cynthia called. She pursed her lips as she studied Connor. “Wear that sweater we bought you for Christmas. The navy one.”

She ducked back into the kitchen before Connor could argue, before he could even think of a way out of that.

Zoe patted his arm and practically skipped towards the stairs.

“What was that?” Connor hissed.

“I’m doing you a favor,” Zoe beamed. “You’re obviously bored out of your mind here.”

“What-”

“Mom’s garden club is having a workshop on winter plants.”

Connor closed his eyes. “No.”

“Yes. And Delores’s grandson’s still there. Mom mentioned that last night.”

“No.”

Zoe practically bounced down the stairs. “Have fun!”

Delores’s grandson was named Thomas. Not Tom. Not Tommy. Thomas.

He was a senior at Duke and had a boyfriend he was wild about.

Connor realized that right away. Mainly because Thomas mentioned Reggie five times in one minute.

“Sorry.” Thomas started laughing when he realized what he was doing. “It’s just I wanted to be clear that this isn’t happening.”

Connor’s eyes landed on his mother and a woman he assumed was Delores. He fought the urge to run. “No, I know.”

“You know?” Thomas blinked. “I thought that was the reason you...”

Connor’s phone buzzed. He smiled when he saw the line of smiley faces he’d gotten for sending Evan pictures of the plants. 

He shrugged as he typed out a quick response. “I was bored.”

Thomas looked like a weight had been lifted off him. “Gran doesn’t know about Reggie.”

That got Connor’s attention. “She doesn’t?”

“So, she’s not, like...” Thomas shrugged. “She meant well.”

“It’s fine. I really wasn’t interested.” Connor looked up quickly. “No offense.”

He felt a twinge of guilt when he saw that Thomas had been at least slightly offended. He brushed that thought away though. It wasn’t personal. He simply couldn’t imagine going out with his mother’s friend’s grandson, even if he was cute in a stuffy way.

He couldn’t imagine going out with anyone, really. He was starting to wonder if that was a problem he needed to address.

Thomas leaned forward when Connor’s phone went off again. “Who are you texting?”

“Evan,” Connor answered automatically.

“Evan?” Thomas’s face lit up at that. “Is he your...”

“Friend,” Connor filled in.

“Friend,” Thomas winked.

Connor scrambled to grab his phone before it slipped out of his hand. “Friend.”

He said the word as firmly as he could.

It didn’t matter.

Thomas wandered off before he could explain.

Connor kept his eyes on his phone while he waited for his mother to finish saying goodbye to her friends.

Thomas was nowhere to be seen.

Connor was fine with that. More than fine with that.

He didn’t know what his mother had been thinking. He’d taken one look at Thomas and known they would never be friends, let alone boyfriends.

It wasn’t that Thomas was a bad person. He seemed nice enough. He was polite and well-dressed and loved his grandmother. He was obviously a devoted boyfriend.

He just wasn’t Connor’s type.

Connor wasn’t sure what his type was. He knew he could rule Thomas out though.

His mother was bursting with energy when they finally got in the car. Connor wasn’t sure if that was from all the coffee she’d consumed or the high she got from being around people.

His stomach sank when she beamed at him. He decided to get right to the point.

“Thomas has a boyfriend.”

Cynthia’s face fell. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Mom.” Connor tried not to laugh. He wasn’t entirely successful. “Just because two people both happen to be gay doesn’t mean-”

“That’s not why I...” Cynthia closed her eyes when she heard how shrill her voice sounded. “I just thought it would good for you to have a friend, someone who... someone like you.”

“I have a friend.”

Cynthia glanced at him quickly. “Thomas mentioned that you were texting Evan.”

She said it lightly, but Connor knew she was dying to ask.

“Evan likes plants.”

“Is that the only...” She chewed her lip like she was scared to go on.

“He really likes plants.”

“You should invite him next time then.”

There was no way Connor was doing that. There was no way he was getting tricked into attending another one of those meetings.

“He’s coming this weekend, isn’t he?” Cynthia asked.

Connor nodded.

His phone buzzed. Evan wanted to know where they got the purple flowers.

Connor didn’t know the answer. His mother did. Asking her would involve talking though and he didn’t feel like doing any more of that.

He told Evan he didn’t know and pocketed his phone.

The drive to the Mount Pleasant Ski Lodge and Resort was longer than Connor remembered.

Probably because he was driving and therefore could not spend the majority of it sleeping in the backseat. 

He thought it was only fair that everyone else stay up too.

Evan didn’t mind.

Zoe did, judging from the way she kept kicking his seat.

Connor didn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing him react.

“Are you sure you don’t want to-”

“If you want to go skiing, we can go skiing.”

That came out sharper than Connor had meant it to. He sighed when he saw the look of panic flash across Evan’s face. “Sorry.”

Evan lowered his eyes. “It’s... No. Sorry. I’m being...”

“Being what?”

“Annoying.”

He said it like it was a fact.

Connor sighed again. “It’s not you.”

He meant it. He was in a mood, but it had nothing to do with Evan.

Even if Evan wouldn’t stop asking if he was sure he didn’t want to go skiing.

“You’re still thinking about the Harrises?” Evan guessed.

He was. Kind of. 

“This place brings back a lot of memories,” Connor said.

“Bad memories?”

“Some are bad,” Connor shrugged.

He didn’t feel like going on.

Evan nodded like he got that. “Okay, which way should we go next?”

Connor blinked when he realized they’d hit a fork in the road. He studied the signs for a moment.

The left path would take them back to the lodge. The right one took them to the walking trail.

He pointed to the right. 

Evan talked in his sleep.

Connor was surprised he hadn’t noticed that before.

Or maybe it was something Evan only did when he was surrounded by mountain air.

He didn’t say full sentences or even words. It was more like he couldn’t stop mumbling under his breath.

It was kind of funny.

And kind of annoying because it was making it hard for Connor to fall asleep.

He decided to get up and stretch his legs when he realized rolling over for the tenth time wasn’t going to do the trick.

There was a light on in the living room. 

Connor froze when he saw that.

It was after midnight. 

He could hear Zoe and Nicole giggling in their room. 

Which meant that it had to be one or both of his parents.

It was his father.

Connor sighed when he saw that.

He sighed even harder when his father saw him.

He stood there for a moment. He took in the pile of papers in front of his father and avoided his stare.

He thought about asking his father why he was up, even though he knew the answer.

He thought about asking why he’d tried to interrogate Evan, but he knew the answer to that too.

He thought about asking why he’d looked right at him when he’d made that crack about how there would be no hanky-panky in the cabin.

He didn’t really want to know the answer to that one though.

He cleared his throat and scratched his neck and headed to the bathroom without saying a word.

Zoe actually seemed sad to see him go.

Connor blinked when he realized that. He lowered his eyes as he finished zipping up his bag. “You’re going to miss me.”

Zoe made a face. “Maybe. Possibly. A little bit.”

“You are.”

Zoe shrugged. “It’s weird when you’re not here.”

“It’s weird being here.”

“This is your home.”

“It is?” Connor blinked like that was brand new information.

"I can't wait to graduate."

"You'll be in Ohio before you know it."

Zoe chewed her lip. “Four months to go. The countdown’s on.”

“You’ll make it.”

“I wish I knew where I was going next year.”

Connor frowned because he'd thought she was going to Ohio. “Are your applications in?”

“They’ve been in.” Zoe looked at him strangely. “Don’t you remember how the process goes? It’s only been a year.”

Connor shrugged. “Last year was kind of a blur.”

“Yeah...” Zoe rocked back on her heels. 

Connor stared at the door. “I should go. I told Evan I’d be there ten minutes ago.”

Zoe stepped to the side so he could get by. “Drive safe.”

He got to Evan’s house a half hour later than he’d said he would.

Only a half hour. It would’ve been worse if Zoe hadn’t come down and distracted their mother so he could go.

Evan didn’t see it that way though. 

Connor probably should’ve let him know he was running late.

“I was about to start putting my things in my mom’s car.”

Connor’s hands flew up defensively. “I said I was sorry.”

Evan pursed his lips. “She can take me if it’s-”

“Oh my God. It’s fine. I’m already here.”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut when a woman he assumed was Evan’s mother came into the kitchen.

Evan slapped his forehead. “I forgot my...”

The rest of his sentence was lost when he ran for the stairs.

Connor stared after him. He wondered if it would be weird if he volunteered to go help Evan look for whatever item he thought he’d forgotten.

He started edging towards the door because he didn’t care if it was weird. It was better than the alternative. It was better than being trapped in a room with an adult he didn’t know.

Evan’s mother smiled when their eyes met. “You must be Connor.”

Connor froze like he’d been caught. Which he had. He nodded slightly.

“I’m Evan’s mom.”

Connor nodded again. He studied her for a moment. He tried to figure out if he was walking into a trap of some kind. Her smile looked genuine. She actually looked happy to meet him.

He shook her hand when she extended it. “Nice to meet you, Mrs.-”

A sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a huff escaped from her. “Heidi, please. I think you’re old enough to use my first name.” 

Connor forced himself to smile.

He didn’t know what to say.

Neither did she.

He knew that look though. It was the same one his mother had when she first met Evan.

The thought of that made him dizzy.

It was a weird situation to be in. She wasn’t used to meeting Evan’s friends because there had never been any for her to meet and he...

It was weird feeling like someone was happy to meet him. Like there was someone who was happy he was friends with their son.

He jumped when something crashed above his head.

He snorted when he heard Evan shout that he was okay.

The distraction was enough to snap Heidi out of whatever daze she’d been in. She looked Connor up and down. 

Connor shifted from foot to foot.

She smiled sheepishly when she realized what she was doing. “So, Evan tells me you-”

It sounded like there was a stampede heading their way and then Evan came bursting back into the room. “Found it. Ready?”

Connor nodded numbly.

He wondered what Heidi had been getting ready to say. He wondered what Evan had told her about him.

He wasn’t about to ask.

He stepped back so Evan could say goodbye to his mother.

She followed them to the door.

Connor glanced over his shoulder before he got in the car. “Your mom seems nice.”

“Yeah,” Evan shrugged. “She’s alright.”


	8. Freshman Year - February

Evan was still mad. Connor knew that without looking at him.

He knew it even before Evan started playing a bird documentary on his laptop.

It gave a new meaning to the phrase Angry Birds.

He wasn’t sure if Evan was mad at him or mad in general though.

He was inclined to think it was at least partially about him. The birds confirmed that.

It was fine. Evan had every right to be annoyed with him.

Just like he had every right to be annoyed with Evan.

It wasn’t so much what Evan had said. It was how he’d said it.

_"You were pretty memorable too.”_

It wasn’t a surprise that Evan knew who he was in high school. They’d discussed that more than once. Not at length, but still. It wasn’t a surprise.

The amount of venom Evan had managed to inject into those words had been a surprise though. 

It was enough to leave Connor stewing hours later. 

It was enough to make him want to slam Evan’s laptop shut. To slam it and throw it across the room so the fucking birds couldn’t come back.

He suppressed that urge. No good came from doing things like that.

Things like that explained the venom in Evan’s tone.

He settled for asking Evan to turn the movie off in a harsher tone than was really necessary.

Evan did as he was asked, but he didn’t look happy about it. In fact, he looked downright annoyed. “I thought we were confronting our fears today.”

He smirked at Connor’s confusion. “Birds. You’re scared of birds.”

Connor didn’t bother denying it. “I was trying to help you.”

He cringed when he heard himself.

It was true, but he didn’t like the way it sounded when he heard it out loud.

It sounded like something his parents would say. Like something they had said. 

Many times. So many times.

It was what they said when they thought they knew what he needed better than he did. 

It was what they said when they were trying to keep him in line.

He hadn’t thought about it that way when he decided to trick Evan into attending a Toastmasters meeting. 

He’d had good intentions. He thought he had anyway. 

Evan had been freaking out about the history presentation he’d blown and joining a communications club was a way to help with that.

He probably should’ve run it by Evan first. Ambushing him had not been a good idea.

He still didn’t think he’d been wrong though. Not entirely anyway.

Which made him feel more like his parents than he was comfortable admitting. 

He closed his eyes for a second. “I didn’t know they’d make you-”

“Talk?” Evan hissed. “That’s what they do. The whole point of the club is to make people work on their communication skills.”

“I didn’t know that involved having people give impromptu speeches.”

Evan squeezed his eyes shut. “It was bad.”

Connor nodded because he had a point.

Evan looked at him quickly. “It was that bad?”

Connor didn’t say anything because it had been that bad. 

He knew he should deny it. He should tell Evan it had been fine, that no one had noticed how nervous he’d been. 

If he’d been a better person, a better friend, his brain would’ve come up with a convincing lie. 

His silence told Evan everything he didn’t want to know.

Evan sighed and opened his laptop.

Connor watched as he scrolled through his video library. “You want to keep watching the birds?”

Evan shook his head. “We’re going to that poetry slam.”

“I’m not participating.” 

“Okay.”

“I mean it.”

Evan smiled as he selected a cat video. “Okay.”

Connor sighed and settled back to watch.

He didn’t participate in the poetry slam. 

He couldn’t have participated even if he’d wanted to. 

There were so many people there that the sign-up sheet filled up right away.

He didn’t mind. He’d meant it when he said he wasn’t going to participate. 

Evan seemed slightly disappointed though.

“So.”

Connor lowered his phone when Evan didn’t go on. “So?”

“Are you going to compete next time?”

Connor rolled over to face him. “You think there’s going to be a next time?”

“You had fun. Admit it.” Evan bit his lip. “Didn’t you?”

“It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

Evan grinned triumphantly.

Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “It was better than Zoe’s jazz recitals.”

“I always liked her jazz recitals.”

That got Connor’s attention. He sat up so he could look Evan in the eye. “You went to those?”

He refused to look away, even though it was clear Evan wanted him to. “Were you friends with someone in the jazz band?”

Evan shook his head. “I just like jazz.”

“Really?” Connor snorted. “What’s your favorite piece?”

“I don’t really have a favorite, per se.”

Evan’s face was red. Connor could tell that even though the room was dark. He could tell that even though the shadows hit Cole’s bed in a way that made it easy for Evan to hide his face.

His stomach sank when his gut told him what this was really about.

Evan scratched his neck so hard Connor half-expected to see blood. “Okay, so... Don’t kill me, but-”

“You like Zoe.”

The words slipped out of him easily because he knew they were true. It was suddenly, undeniably clear to him that Evan had a thing for his sister. 

Everyone liked Zoe. And why shouldn’t they?

It was easy to like Zoe. 

It wasn’t easy to like him.

Evan’s eyes darted around like he couldn’t make himself focus. “I used to.”

“You don’t like her now?”

“I do. I mean...” Evan let his breath out in a huff. “I used to have a crush on her, I guess. I don’t anymore.”

“What’d she do to you?”

“Nothing,” Evan said shrilly. “She’s even nicer than I thought she was.”

“You just-”

“There’s a difference between liking someone from a distance and-”

“Your crush disappeared when you got to know her?”

“Kind of,” Evan mumbled. “I don’t know. It started fading after you, uh, after you... you know. Pushed me last year. I just... She saw that and I felt so...”

Connor ignored the way his stomach twisted at that. “How long did you have a crush on her?”

“Two years.”

“And you never did anything about it?”

Evan snorted. “Uh, hi? Have we met? She basically would’ve had to fall into my lap for me to even think about making a move.”

“That’s got to be one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.”

Evan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “You aren’t going to kill me, are you?”

“For having a crush on my sister that you didn’t do anything about?”

Evan shrugged.

“Are you planning to do something about it?”

Evan laughed and shook his head.

Connor considered that for a moment. “Lick Cole’s pillow and we’ll call it a day.”

Evan quickly obliged.

Connor called Zoe without thinking. He didn’t consciously decide to call his sister. It just happened.

She answered on the third ring.

She sounded even more surprised to hear from him than he was to realize he’d called her.

Actually called her. Not texted or FaceTimed. 

He didn’t want to see her face and he really didn’t wanted her to see his. His subconscious got that immediately even if it took the rest of his brain a minute to catch up.

She was getting ready for a band meeting when he called.

Not practice.

A meeting.

Apparently, the rampant sexism that had been plaguing the jazz band all year was getting worse.

He laughed when she started describing what she was doing that day. He couldn’t help it. “You sound like you’re preparing for war.”

She was silent for a moment before she snorted into the phone. “That sounds about right actually.”

Neither of them said anything for a minute. It wasn’t uncomfortable though. Connor could hear her zipping up her bag and putting on her coat.

He decided the silence was a good thing. He needed a minute to collect his thoughts.

He didn’t have a minute. 

Evan would be back any second. He’d just run downstairs to shower and change before Ryan and Layla got back from the dining hall. He was staying in Connor’s room because Cole was away and it was Valentine’s Day and he was a good roommate who didn’t mind giving up his claim to the room so Ryan could bone his girlfriend all weekend.

Or possibly because he was too scared to tell Ryan no. That sounded more like it actually.

Connor kept one eye on the door while he debated what to ask Zoe. He sighed into the phone.

Zoe sighed back at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Connor sighed again. “Do you have any recitals coming up?”

“Not until the spring. Why?”

“Evan likes them.”

“He likes our recitals?” Zoe chuckled.

“Yeah, so let me know when in case...”

“In case he wants to go?”

Connor shrugged even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah.”

“Would you come with him?”

“Probably. He’d need a ride, so.”

“Yeah... I didn’t know he liked them.”

“Well, he does.”

“Really?”

Connor blinked at her tone. 

It was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on him.

She thought he was talking about himself. That he was the one who liked her recitals, not Evan.

He couldn’t ask his question. 

He didn’t need to ask it. She’d obviously never seen Evan at any of her concerts or thought anything of it if she had.

It was just as well. There was someone outside his door.

Evan was back.

He cleared his throat. “I’ll let you go.”

Zoe didn’t seem to have heard him. “I think the next one’s in April. I’ll text you the details.”

He hung up and dropped his phone on his bed like it had scorched him.

Evan picked up on that right away. “Who...”

“Zoe.”

“Zoe,” Evan squeaked.

Connor laughed and stretched his arms above his head. “She has a recital in April. We’re invited.”

Evan looked like he was going to pass out. “What did you... Did you... You didn’t...”

There was a question in there somewhere.

Connor sighed because he knew exactly what it was. “I didn’t tell her you like her.”

“Used to like her,” Evan hissed. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Used to have a... a crush on... I still like her! She’s my... my friend.”

He stared at the ground. “I think.”

“All the more reason for you to go to her concert.”

“I guess,” Evan mumbled. He shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded at the door. “You ready?”

“For?”

“Breakfast. You said you wanted to eat.”

Connor nodded and stood up. “Was Ryan there?”

Evan shook his head. “I almost ran into them when they got off the elevator.”

“Almost?”

“I hid behind the fake plant.”

“You hid?”

“I...” Evan chuckled. “I don’t know. I thought it would, uh...”

“Ruin the mood for them if they saw you?”

“I guess,” Evan laughed. It was a full laugh that time.

Connor laughed too. “You’re a good roommate.”

Evan nodded solemnly. “I try.”

Evan was mad. He was so mad he’d been rendered speechless.

Or it was possible he really was speechless.

It was possible the girls had rendered him speechless.

Connor tried to catch his eye so he could telepathically remind him to breathe.

He was not successful.

He was starting to think this had been a bad idea.

Sitting with Lauren and Mia had been an impulsive decision.

The girls had wanted to sit with them and Evan was obviously interested in Mia and Lauren...

Connor didn’t want to think about that yet.

He wasn’t an expert on flirting. He was as far from being an expert as you could get actually. He didn’t know how to do it or what it looked like or any of it, really.

He was pretty sure that was what Lauren was doing though.

Either that or her hair was really bothering her that day.

He tried to catch Evan’s eye again.

Evan refused to look up from his tray. He was staring at his potatoes like he was in Divination class and the gravy was telling him his future.

It wasn’t fair. Connor had done this for Evan. Because of Zoe. Because he’d inadvertently ruined Evan’s thing with Zoe.

The thing that probably never would’ve happened unless something had caused Zoe to pretty much land in Evan’s lap, but still.

This was the least he could do.

He could make sure Mia didn’t become another Zoe for Evan.

That required him to get Evan to look up from his food and engage with the others though.

He wasn’t sure how to do that. He tried everything he could think of. He even mentioned trees.

Mia was trying too.

She bounced from topic to topic with a grace Connor had never seen in anyone besides his mother. Her eyes danced each time she tried to tell if she’d landed on a good one.

None of the topics stuck.

Connor sighed and looked out the window. He made a comment about the clouds that were rolling in.

That got Evan’s attention. He suggested they all leave before the rain started.

Connor let Evan go first. He hung back and chatted with the girls for a minute before catching up with him.

Evan looked suspicious when he did.

Rightfully so.

“I gave them our numbers,” Connor said.

Evan didn’t look surprised. 

He looked annoyed. Betrayed, even.

He stared at his phone like it had betrayed him.

“Mia said she might need to learn more about Soylent Green,” Connor grinned. “Whatever that means.”

Evan’s mouth twitched like he was trying not to smile. He pocketed his phone. “You gave them both of our numbers?”

Connor nodded. 

“Including yours?”

Connor nodded again.

“You gave Lauren your number?”

“And Mia,” Connor said quickly. “They’re in my English class, so...”

“In case you need to borrow their notes? Or vice versa?”

“Mia likes you.”

“Lauren likes you.”

Connor resisted the urge to make a face. “Don’t flood Mia’s phone with pictures of trees.”

“I thought you liked that.”

“I’m not Mia.”

“You don’t think she’d like that?”

Connor shrugged. “Give it time.”

“So, wait at least a week before sending her tree pictures?”

Connor wrinkled his nose. “I’d give it a month or until you’ve gotten to second base. Whichever comes first.”

He laughed when Evan almost walked into a pole.


	9. Freshman Year - March

Connor’s neck was starting to hurt. It was getting bad. He really needed to stop twisting around every two seconds.

He lowered his eyes when he realized Lauren knew what he was doing.

She waved her hand at Evan and Mia. “Do you want to...”

She let the question hang because she didn’t actually want to catch up with them. That was obvious. 

The girls had obviously strategized before they came to the art show.

Divide and conquer. That was their plan.

Connor wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Lauren seemed nice enough, but he wasn’t sure if he liked her.

He wasn’t sure if he could like her the way she wanted him to. He wasn’t sure if he cared enough to find out.

Part of him wanted to fake a stomachache and hightail it out of there.

That wouldn’t be fair to Lauren though.

Or Evan. It wouldn’t be fair for him to ditch Evan like that.

He glanced over his shoulder again.

Evan was fine. He no longer looked like he was going to pass out or make a run for it. He was actually laughing at something Mia had said.

It was a nervous laugh. Connor could tell that from across the room

But still.

It was a laugh.

And Mia didn’t seem bothered by his nerves.

Connor turned around so he couldn’t see them anymore. He took a breath and tried to focus on Lauren.

He focused on the sculpture in front of them when that didn’t feel right.

Lauren snorted when she saw his expression. “Okay, is it just me or does that look like a...”

Her face went red when she realized what she was saying.

It didn’t matter.

Connor saw it too. 

He grinned as he leaned over to study the card next to the sculpture. “Someone thinks very highly of himself.”

Lauren let out a startled laugh. “What, uh, what do you-”

Connor jabbed his finger at the card. “A guy made that.”

“So?”

“It looks like a dick.”

“You think that’s supposed to be his...” Lauren’s face went even redder.

Connor studied her expression to see if he’d made a mistake. “Isn’t that what you were thinking?”

“Kind of,” Lauren laughed. “I wasn’t thinking it was the, uh, the artist’s dick, but...”

“You think someone posed for that?”

Lauren laughed again. “Maybe? We could ask.”

“You want to ask someone?”

“No,” Lauren squeaked. “Not really.”

Connor snorted and moved on to the next piece. 

It was a painting of a garden that wasn’t just a garden.

Lauren looked around wildly. “What kind of class is this?”

It was Lauren’s idea to leave.

It didn’t take her long to get tired of looking at the art students’ suggestive works. 

They went back to her room.

That was her idea too. She said she wanted him to watch _Community_ with her. Because she couldn’t believe he’d never seen it. Because the show was basically her life in the sense that she liked it and it accurately reflected her college experience.

It didn’t take him long to realize that last part was a joke. The show was funny and zany and not at all what he’d been expecting when she told him her roommate was out.

He’d thought that was her way of telling him she wanted to fool around.

He was surprised when he realized he wasn’t totally against the idea. And not just because he was viewing the whole Lauren thing as an experiment.

She was nice and pretty and her hair smelled really good. He wondered if it would be weird if he asked what kind of conditioner she used. 

He didn’t mind when she started scooting closer to him. He didn’t mind when she put her hand on his leg and her head on his shoulder and things started escalating until they were no longer purely theoretical for him.

They didn’t go as far as Evan thought they did. They didn’t go very far at all. They just made out for a bit.

They didn’t remove any clothes or go under any clothes or do anything to merit the way Evan kept twitching.

Connor rolled his eyes when Evan glanced at him again. “What?”

“Nothing,” Evan muttered. He yelped when Connor turned off the tv. “The show’s not over!”

“I’ll put it back on before the commercials are done.”

“You could’ve muted it.”

Connor sighed and flicked the tv back on. It was so old it took it a minute to warm up. He turned to face Evan while he waited. “You’re still wondering about Lauren?”

“Kind of,” Evan shrugged. He watched his hands as they twisted around in his lap. “I don’t know.”

Connor didn’t know either.

He wasn’t sure about anything as far as Lauren was concerned.

And he was okay with that. Part of him wanted to laugh about it. Another part wanted to pretend it had never happened. And yet another part wanted to see what would happen next.

Most of all though, he didn’t want to think about it. 

Or talk about it. He really didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t have anything else to say on the matter.

Evan sighed like he understood that.

The show came back on. 

Madeline threw herself on Jeffrey’s grave and wailed like an actress who really wanted to win a Daytime Emmy. 

Connor shook his head as Madeline’s sister tried to pull her away. “Jeffrey’s definitely going to be found alive somewhere after all this.”

“He’ll come back at the worst possible moment,” Evan nodded. “Right when Madeline’s finally moving on.”

“You think she’ll move on?”

“You think they’ll let her stay single?” 

Connor blinked as Madeline crumbled to the ground. The actress was really pulling out all the stops. He swallowed sharply when her expression went from devastated to sad to numb.

It was getting to him. He couldn’t believe how much it was getting to him.

Evan snorted when their eyes met. “Are you going to cry?”

Connor recoiled at the suggestion. “No. Why-”

“Because you look like you’re-”

“I’m not crying!”

“I didn’t say you were crying. I said you look like you’re going to cry.”

“I bet my mom’s crying right now.”

Evan nodded slowly. “It must run in the family.”

“I’m not crying!”

He forced his face to stay blank when Evan patted his hand consolingly.

The Murphys belonged to a timeshare group that allowed them to book vacations all over the world. 

It was yet another thing Connor knew he should be thankful for. His parents reminded him about that every time they planned a trip.

He hated it though. He hated being stuck in an unfamiliar place with his family. He hated going on the cultural excursions his parents chose. He hated everything about the trips, except the weed. That had always been his favorite part, sneaking away and trying the local weed and testing the legal drinking age of whatever country they were in.

He knew Evan thought it was crazy he wasn’t excited about spending his spring break in the Caribbean. He couldn’t blame him. He also couldn’t blame himself for dreading the trip.

He didn’t even know which island they were going to. He didn’t care enough to find out. 

He just wanted to make sure he had his own room and wi-fi was included.

He spent the first two days by the pool with Zoe. She went swimming. He did not. 

They both had a lot of studying to do. He had more than she did. She proved once again that she was a better person than he was by not rubbing that in every chance she got.

It rained on the third day. Really rained. Connor thought it was a monsoon until he sent a video of it to Evan and was told it wasn’t.

He went back to the room when it became clear the pool was out that day. He ran into Zoe when he went to open the door.

Literally ran into her.

It was her fault for running out like that.

She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that they’d smacked right into each other. 

Connor rubbed his forehead and waited for her to complain about the pain she was in. He tilted his head when he realized how pale she was. “What?”

Zoe’s mouth opened and closed several times. 

She finally snapped out of her daze when he reached for the door. She threw herself in front of it before he could put his key in.

“What?” Connor sighed.

Zoe blinked several times. “Okay, so, you know how Mom and Dad kept asking about our plans for the day?”

“Yes,” Connor said slowly.

He didn’t know why that surprised her. Their parents always wanted to know where they were going. He was sure they’d track their phones while they were on the island if it didn’t cost a fortune.

“You know how they wanted to know how long we thought we’d be at the pool?”

Connor nodded.

“There was a reason for that.”

“What...” Connor’s voice trailed off as he took in several things.

His parents had asked a lot of questions about their agenda for the day. They’d asked more questions than they usually did.

He hadn’t heard them argue once the whole trip.

His father kept bragging about how all the jogging he’d been doing was improving his stamina. 

Something had obviously traumatized Zoe.

He jumped like he’d been shocked. “No!”

“Yes!” Zoe shrieked. She buried her face in her hands. “It was awful.”

She gasped when he reached for the door again. “What are you doing?”

“My laptop’s in there. I have to finish my-”

“Fail. You’re better off risking failure than...” Zoe shuddered at the thought. 

“I didn’t even think they liked each other!”

“I don’t think that had anything to do with like!”

Connor’s mouth dropped open.

Zoe covered hers like she couldn’t believe what she’d just said.

They both started laughing when their eyes met. They laughed so hard it was hard to breathe.

It took them a second to hear their parents moving around inside the suite. 

They made a run for it when they heard their mother ask their father if the kids had come back.

Their parents were in a good mood after that. They smiled a lot and were nice to each other and nice to their children and nice to everyone.

It was weird seeing them like that, but then the whole trip was weird.

Connor didn’t sneak off once. He didn’t even feel the need to sneak off.

He spent most of the week with Zoe. That was weird too. Weird in a good way.

Their parents dragged them on a tour of the island on their last day there. 

It was fine. Slightly boring, occasionally interesting, nothing special.

They stopped at a marketplace before they went back to the resort. Connor followed Zoe around while she looked for souvenirs for her friends. He watched as she looked at t-shirts and keychains and magnets. He picked at a shirt with a smiling coconut on it.

And then suddenly it occurred to him that he had someone he could buy presents for too.

Presents as in multiple because it was Evan’s birthday.

He didn’t know what to get. Nothing seemed right. He didn’t think Evan would like a shot glass with a bikini on it or a magnet shaped like a colorful house.

It jumped out at him when they left the pottery store. He told Zoe to go ahead, but she followed him anyway.

She laughed when she saw what he was doing. “You want to sponsor a tree?”

“It’s not for me,” Connor said as he got in line. “It’s for Evan.”

Zoe chewed her lip like there was a question she wanted to ask.

“It’s his birthday.”

“You’re getting him a tree he’ll never actually see for his birthday?”

“I’m saving a tree in his honor. He’ll like that.”

Zoe jerked a thumb in the direction of the pottery store. “They had some really cute magnets in there.”

Connor shook his head.

“And mugs. You can get him a mug shaped like a dolphin.”

“I’m getting him a tree.”

Zoe sighed heavily. “Okay. It’s your decision.”

She picked at her nails while she waited for him to fill out the paperwork. 

He chose to ignore the way she started chuckling when he stepped away from the stand. 

She swung her bags as they walked down the other side of the square. “Do you have anyone else to shop for?”

He frowned because he didn’t like her tone. “What do you mean?”

Zoe shrugged. “Any other friends or...”

She smiled when she shrugged that time.

He shook his head. “Just Evan.”

“Just Evan?”

He really didn’t like her tone. “Yes, just Evan.”

“And you guys are...”’

“Friends?”

It came out as a question because of the way she was looking at him.

“That was an expensive gift to get for a friend.”

“It wasn’t that expensive.”

“And you got him a t-shirt too, didn’t you? Unless that shirt with the coconuts on it was for you.”

Connor stared at his feet. “It was on sale.”

The t-shirt had been an impulse buy. He’d grabbed it in case he didn’t find anything else for Evan.

“You’re with him all the time. You talk about him all the time.”

“I don’t talk about him that much,” Connor muttered.

“You can’t blame me for wondering.”

“Wondering what exactly?”

Zoe raised her eyebrows at him. “Do I need to say it?”

She didn’t. Connor pressed a hand against his forehead. “Evan and I are friends. Just because we’re both-”

“Wait, he’s gay too? Is that what you’re saying?” Zoe froze in the middle of the sidewalk. “I was just messing with you, but is there actually-”

“We’re friends,” Connor insisted. “And Evan’s bi, not gay.”

“But still. That means...”

“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. It is possible for two guys who like guys to just be friends, you know.”

“I know,” Zoe mumbled. She fumbled through her bag. “What time is it?”

“Four.”

She pointed down the road. “Then that’s our shuttle, isn’t it?”

Connor wasn’t sure if it was. He hurried to catch it anyway. 

Connor was exhausted when he got back to school. He felt like he needed a vacation from his vacation. 

Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option.

His classes were really picking up and he hadn’t gotten nearly as much work done over break as he should have.

It was tempting to blame that on his family, but he knew it was his own doing. 

If that wasn’t progress, then he didn’t know what was.

Evan laughed when a text popped up on his phone. He held it out for Connor to see. “It’s Jared. He wants to know what Cole’s like.”

Connor snorted when Evan’s fingers started flying. “What are you telling him?”

“That Cole’s really cool and really nice and-”

“So, a bunch of lies then?”

“I don’t know if I’d call them lies. These things are subjective, aren’t they?”

“So, you’re saying that you personally think Cole is really nice and really cool and...” Connor laughed at Evan’s expression.

“They’re going to be roommates next year.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“If I tell him the truth, he’ll...”

“He’ll what? Refuse to move into the suite with us?”

“He’ll want to room with me instead.”

“He’d want that?” Connor frowned.

That was a surprise. He hadn’t been under the impression that Evan and Jared were particularly close.

“He already said something about it,” Evan muttered. “He just assumed we’d be roommates when he transfers here next year.”

“Oh.”

Connor didn’t know what else to say. He liked the idea of sharing a room with Evan. He didn’t like the idea of sharing with Cole again.

And that was where this was heading. If Jared threw a fit and insisted on sharing with Evan, then he’d be stuck with Cole. He couldn’t imagine any of their other roommates taking that hit.

He wondered if it was too late to tell Cole he was on his own for the housing lottery.

He sighed and stared blankly at the tv. “Tell him Cole’s really into mythology.”

“He is?”

“He likes Lord of the Rings.”

“Okay,” Evan breathed. “I can work with that.”

“And Cole’s really clean. Like he’s obsessed with cleanliness.”

“That won’t be a selling point for Jared.”

“Is he a slob?”

Evan made a face that indicated he was.

“That’s going to drive Cole crazy.”

“Cole’s going to drive Jared crazy.”

“It’s going to be an all-around insanity party,” Connor grinned.

Evan chewed his lip. “Are we making a mistake? Living with all of them? Six roommates are a lot of roommates.”

Connor snorted because that had occurred to him too. “Yeah. Probably.”

Evan exhaled slowly. “That’s what I thought.”


	10. Freshman Year - April and May

Lauren had a unicorn poster on her wall.

Connor couldn’t believe he’d never noticed it before.

Granted, it was above her desk and he’d never gone near her desk and he was normally a bit preoccupied when he was in her room, but still.

He couldn’t believe he’d never noticed the poster.

He was pretty sure Zoe had one like it when she was ten, back when she was obsessed with My Little Pony.

That was a weird thing to think about after he’d had sex for the first time. Even he knew that.

It made him laugh though, which was a relief because he’d been frozen with...

Not fear. He hadn’t been frozen with fear. 

Shock? Confusion? Some indiscernible emotion he couldn’t place?

The laughter ripped through him and made his brain focus.

And just like that, he knew what he had to do.

He had to get out of there. He had to leave before Lauren got back.

He had to leave before he found a way to make things worse.

Sneaking out before Lauren returned from the bathroom was a bad idea. Connor knew that before Evan told him to go back. He knew it was a mistake from the start.

He didn’t regret it though. He didn’t regret any of it.

He didn’t regret what he’d done or what they’d done or how he’d left things.

He didn’t regret sneaking out, but he knew he could’ve handled it better. He was well-aware of that. He knew he should call her or text her or send up a smoke signal.

He really didn’t want to do that though. He didn’t know what he’d say.

He wasn’t even sure how he felt about it yet.

It hadn’t been bad. He definitely wouldn’t say it had been a bad experience. 

It hadn’t been a great one either though. It had been okay. Good, even. Sort of. He felt like he could see the point of it, but he didn’t get what all the fuss was about.

Part of him felt like he’d be fine if he never saw Lauren again. More than fine, even.

Another part didn’t. That part weighed on him until he started feeling guilty about leaving the way he did.

About all of it, really. 

His guilt increased when Evan’s phone started exploding with texts.

Evan didn’t say anything as he responded to them. He hadn’t said anything since he’d lied to Mia about Connor’s whereabouts.

Connor didn’t know what to make of that. He couldn’t tell if Evan was angry or annoyed or shocked. Or all of the above. Or something entirely different.

He wasn’t about to ask.

He cleared his throat when Evan finally looked up. “Mia?”

Evan blinked like he didn’t understand the question. “What?”

“Mia has a lot to say all of the sudden?”

Evan shook his head. “That was Zoe.”

“Zoe?”

“She’s going to look for the video of you singing ‘Let It Go’ when she gets home. She thinks it’s still on her laptop.”

Connor chuckled out of relief and because that was the last thing he’d been expecting to hear.

“She was telling me about the time you decided to make a banana milkshake at 4 AM.”

“I was high.”

“I figured.”

“You didn’t tell her...”

“About Lauren?” Evan shook his head. He tapped the sides of his phone. “Are you, uh...”

Connor frowned when he didn’t go on. “Am I what?”

“Okay?” Evan whispered.

He said it like Connor had been through a horrible ordeal.

“I had sex. I didn’t get in a car accident.”

Evan stared at his hands.

Connor closed his eyes and regretted his tone. “I mean-”

“But you’re okay? Do you, uh, do you feel...”

“Feel what?”

“Different?” Evan scratched the back of his head. “Stupid question. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Did you while you were...” Evan’s face twitched when he realized what he was saying. He looked like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hide or laugh.

Connor struggled to keep his amusement from showing. “I don’t know. I guess?”

“You guess?” Evan’s laughter cut short when his phone buzzed. “Do you want me to ask?”

Connor’s eyes bulged. “Is that Lauren?”

“It’s Mia,” Evan grinned. “But she’s with Lauren. I can ask her to ask Lauren if you knew what you were-”

He cackled when Connor shoved his arm. “Ow...”

“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not.”

Evan’s grin didn’t waver as he typed out his response. 

“What about this one?” Evan tilted his laptop so Connor could see. 

“You want to take a class on digital photography?”

“I bet they never make you speak in that class.”

“They probably make you show your work though.”

“That’s okay,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t care if people see my pictures.”

“And explain them. You would probably have to explain what you did.”

Evan’s face fell as he clicked on the next page. “Oh.”

“Have you gotten your history grade yet?”

He chewed his lip in a way that made Connor’s stomach sink.

“You didn’t pass?”

Evan shook his shoulders and stretched. “I got a B.”

“That’s not bad.”

“I got an A on the paper and a C on the presentation.” 

Connor tried to catch his eye, but Evan refused to look away from the course listings.

“Here’s one.” Evan jabbed his finger at the screen. “It’s a seminar on how sci-fi and fantasy franchises have-”

“It’s for seniors.”

“Oh.”

“And you’d probably have to talk a lot.”

Evan closed his laptop. “Okay, that’s enough of that.”

“Do you know what you’re taking next year?”

“Pretty much,” Evan nodded. “You?”

“Pretty much.”

He thought about asking if they should look for a class that they could both take, but that seemed like a weird question to ask. They were already planning to share a room. Asking Evan if he wanted to take a class with him would make him feel like a stalker.

He made a face at his phone when a text popped up.

“Lauren?” Evan guessed.

Connor jumped at that. “Where?”

Evan burst out laughing, which made Connor laugh too.

“Your phone,” Evan grinned. “Was that Lauren?”

Connor shook his head. “My mom wants to talk about how many suitcases I think I’ll need for our trip this summer.”

“Oh. So not Lauren then.”

Connor shook his head again.

“Have you heard from her at all since you...” Evan sighed when Connor’s face betrayed him. “You’re ghosting her?”

“I’m trying.”

“Mia hasn’t said anything about Lauren this week.”

That got Connor’s attention. “You’ve seen her?”

“A few times. I can tell she wants to ask, but she hasn’t. She’s nice like that.”

Connor exhaled slowly. That made him feel a bit better. He really would’ve felt guilty if he’d messed things up for Evan too.

He stared blankly at the tv when Evan turned it on. “Did she say anything about how you can do better?”

Evan looked at him strangely. “Mia and I haven’t...”

Connor snorted. “I wasn’t talking about that. I was talking about your presentation.”

“Oh,” Evan blinked. “You weren’t clear. Which is what my professor said, actually. She said I need to work on making my points clearer when I’m presenting.”

“That’s what they told you at Toastmasters.”

Evan’s hands twitched in his lap. “I know. I know it’s something I need to work on. I just... I did okay on my biology presentation today. I think it’s better when I actually care about the topic.”

“Probably.”

Connor’s phone buzzed again.

Lauren wanted to grab a coffee with him.

He pocketed it before Evan could read the text.

The music in Moyes House was so loud that Connor couldn’t think. Which was fine because he didn’t feel like thinking.

Or talking. Or doing anything except numbing himself with alcohol. 

He cursed when someone grabbed his arm. They grabbed it so sharply he wondered if it had been intentional.

One look at Evan confirmed his fears were justified.

It was too late to run. And the room was too crowded. There was nowhere for him to hide.

“So, you are still alive. I was getting worried. I was starting to think you’d been abducted or something.”

Connor’s blood ran cold when he heard Lauren’s voice.

He knew there was a reason he’d avoided going to parties all year.

It served him right. He deserved this. He deserved whatever she was going to dole out.

That didn’t stop him from giving Evan an imploring look before he let Mia drag him away.

He closed his eyes and took a breath before he turned to face Lauren.

He kept his mouth shut while she ranted at him.

It was the least he could do.

Evan groaned so loudly Connor wondered if he was going to be sick. He laughed when he saw the way Evan was shielding his eyes. He mimicked it until Evan glared at him.

“Why did you do that?”

Connor patted the light switch like it was a good switch. Which it was because it had provided them with light. “Because it’s dark in here.”

“But it feels good. The darkness feels good. It’s too bright out there.”

“That was deep.”

“Deep?”

Connor nodded slowly. “Really deep. You should be a poet.”

“You’re the poet.” Evan snapped his fingers. “Poetry club. Next year. We’re joining one.”

Connor nodded and gave him the okay sign because he knew there was no way Evan was going to remember this conversation. There was a good chance he wouldn’t remember it and he was way more accustomed to these things than Evan was. 

He chuckled when Evan started to sway. “You’re drunk.”

“So are you!” Evan barely got the words out before a burp escaped. He flopped onto the floor so quickly it was like he had fallen. 

Connor sat down next to him and opened the bag they’d gotten from Alfie’s Diner. “Here. Eat this.”

Evan dry heaved when he looked at the cheeseburger. “I think I’ll pass.”

“You need to eat something.”

“So I have something to throw up?”

“So you don’t lose all your brain cells.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Connor shrugged. “You’re the scientist.”

Evan nodded. “I am.”

Connor took a bite of his burger to show Evan it was okay. That it hadn’t been poisoned and wouldn’t make him vomit.

Right away at least. He had a feeling it might reappear later on.

They ate in silence. Which was fine with Connor because he didn’t really feel like talking.

His buzz was wearing off. He could feel himself slipping into the melancholic portion of the evening.

He stared blankly at Ryan’s side of the room. He’d never really looked at it before. It was as different from Evan’s as his side was from Cole’s.

He didn’t really know Ryan very well. Looking at his posters and belongings didn’t change that. 

He felt a weird sense of camaraderie with him though. They’d both gone to that party for the same reason, more or less.

Ryan had gone to forget Layla. Connor had gone to forget Lauren.

And because Evan had begged him to go.

Evan who was tilting his head and staring at Connor like he was seriously concerned.

Connor blinked at that. “What?”

“You sighed.”

Connor hadn’t realized he’d sighed. He sighed again. He noticed it that time. “I’m starting to think this is a pattern with me.”

“What?”

Connor blinked at the wall. They had definitely reached the melancholic portion of the evening. “Running away, avoiding things, ghosting people.”

Evan snapped his fingers. “We’re talking about Lauren.”

“We’re talking about me!” Connor leaned back against the bed. “I always do this.”

“I thought that was the first time you-”

“Okay, not this exactly, but...” Connor waved his arm around. “When things get rough, I can’t deal, so I run away. This time I literally, physically ran away.”

“Yeah...”

“I don’t think I’m cut out for this.”

“This?” Evan frowned.

“That. What Lauren wanted.”

“So, you’re saying it really was you and not her.”

“Or maybe it was her. I don’t know. Maybe if she’d been someone else...”

“So, you have to try again.”

“I should probably try with a guy next time.”

Evan jumped when their eyes met. “Don’t look at me.”

Connor jumped when he realized he had been. He decided denial was his friend. “I wasn’t looking at you!”

Evan scoffed at that.

Connor rubbed his eyes and tried to focus. It was okay. He told himself it was okay. He’d been looking at Evan in general, not specifically. He wasn’t thinking about trying something with Evan. He knew nothing could happen with Evan. He didn’t want anything to happen with Evan. Not really. Not at all. Not in a way that counted. 

He was aware of the fact that Evan was a guy who liked guys, which meant it wouldn’t be impossible for something to happen between them. 

That didn’t mean it would though. Or that he wanted it to. Or that it was something Evan would want. Could want. Or...

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I mean, I was, but not like-”

“I’m not going to be one of your experiments!”

Connor folded his arms across his chest and pushed back against the bed. “I know. Trust me, I know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Evan snapped.

Connor raised his eyebrows when he heard how insulted Evan sounded.

“It means that...” Connor looked at him quickly. “We’re friends.”

“Yeah...”

Connor chewed his lip. “And... It’s like I was telling Zoe. It is possible for two guys who like guys to just be friends.”

Evan’s eyes flashed. “You talked to Zoe about that?”

“What?” Connor demanded. “You’re mad I told her you like guys too?”

Evan shook his head dazedly. “That’s not... How did that even come up?”

Connor shrugged. His mind went blank when he tried to remember the details. “I don’t know, but it did. We talked about it when we were away last month.”

Evan shook his head again. “Yeah, well, you’re definitely going to have to look elsewhere for your next experiment.”

“I know.”

“I mean, there’s Mia for one thing.”

Connor snorted. “So, you’re saying if there wasn’t a Mia...”

Evan shuddered at the thought. “Even if there wasn’t a Mia, we’re friends. I don’t have many of those, so I’d really prefer not to lose one of the few I have.”

Connor nodded because he got that. He really, really got that. It was the reason he couldn’t even imagine considering using Evan as one of his so-called experiments. “Same here.”

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled.” Evan held out his hand.

Connor laughed when he saw that. “Are you going for a handshake or a high five?”

Evan blinked when he noticed the direction his hand was pointing. “Um...”

Connor slapped Evan’s hand and then shook the top of it. “That’s our thing now. You know how some guys do those crazy complicated handshakes. That’s ours.”

“All the other guys will be so jealous.”

Connor’s eyes narrowed as he scanned the room. “Do you have any chocolate? I could really go for some chocolate about now.”

“In my desk drawer.”

Connor groaned and slid down until he was lying on his back.

His head was heavy. The room was spinning.

Not even the promise of chocolate could get him to move.

Connor felt like his brain was empty, like everything he’d ever known was gone.

He pressed his forehead and resisted the urge to throw his laptop across the room. 

He glanced up long enough to shake his head at Evan. “How are you this calm?”

“I only have final left.”

“Me too. But I’m not that calm.” He grinned as he shifted around. “Is it because of Mia?”

Evan put his book down. “What?”

“Mia. Because you two...”

Evan blinked at him like he still didn’t understand the question.

“How was it?” He grinned when Evan continued to blink. “The sex. How was it?”

“Seriously?” Evan hissed. He looked around wildly, like he thought people were trying to listen in.

Which was fair because they weren’t alone for once. Their lounge had been invaded by students who needed a place to study. Which meant people were definitely listening.

Most of them didn’t look happy about it though.

Connor grabbed his things and nodded at the door.

Evan hurried after him. “Where are we going?”

Connor froze because that was a good question.

Both of their rooms were out. Ryan and Layla were back together and as horny as ever. 

And Cole was photographing his side of the room so he could remember how he’d set it up. 

And so he could send the pictures to Jared so he knew what Cole meant by clean.

Evan seemed to think it would be a good idea for them to stay away from that. He was sure Jared was going to have a lot to say when he got Cole’s pictures.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Connor decided.

Evan shrugged like he didn’t care. 

Which he probably didn’t.

He was almost annoyingly calm.

Connor chuckled to himself. “So?”

“It was fine,” Evan muttered. He stared at his feet so intently that he almost walked into a wall.

“That sounds promising.”

Evan sighed and forced himself to look up. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know,” Connor admitted. He turned to study Evan. “Are you okay?”

“I had sex. I wasn’t in a car accident.” 

It took Connor a second to realize Evan was trying not to smile.

Evan grinned when he saw Connor knew he was teasing. “I’m fine. Really. Everything’s fine. I’m not cooking up a plan to ghost her.”

Connor decided to ignore that dig. 

Evan sighed when he checked his phone. “Cole sent the pictures to Jared.”

“Already?”

Evan nodded. “What do you think the odds are that he kills us all next year?”

“Are you talking about Cole or Jared?”

Evan froze like he hadn’t thought about that. “Um.”

Connor thought about it for a moment. “Even. The odds are even for both of them.”

“Even,” Evan agreed. “Let’s hope our door has a lock on it.”

His face went red when Connor snorted. “You know what I mean.”

Connor had never been sad to see a school year end. He’d never been overjoyed about it either.

It was just something that happened.

He’d never really liked school. He’d never really liked the school part of it anyway. The structure, the rules, the people.

He hadn’t minded the learning. He hadn’t minded being distracted, especially by the things he actually found interesting.

No school meant staying home though. By himself, usually. 

Or it meant going on vacation with his family.

Which was how he was going to be spending the majority of his break.

Which was why he was sad to see the year end.

He was sad to give up the freedom that came from being in college. 

He was going to miss being able to go wherever he wanted and eat whatever he wanted and stay up late and all of it.

He was going to miss all of it.

Even Cole.

He was really going to miss Evan.

He didn’t think about that until he did the math and realized they wouldn’t be seeing each other for three months.

It was a weird thought. An unsettling one. He didn’t like it.

Neither did Evan.

They promised to stay in touch and Connor knew they would. It wouldn’t be the same though.

Emailing someone wasn’t the same as seeing them every day.

He laughed when Evan asked if they hugged. 

Evan laughed too.

They hugged. It was quick and weird and not weird. 

Connor didn’t have time to process it before the elevator reached Evan’s floor.

And then he was gone.

Connor was alone.

His phone buzzed before he got to his room.

It was a text from Zoe. She’d sent it to Evan too.

_I finally remembered!!_

Connor snorted when he saw the video.

He’d been high as a kite when she’d recorded it. It didn’t sound like ‘Let It Go’ at all. It didn’t sound like him at all.

His phone exploded with texts. With emojis, really. 

Apparently, Evan couldn’t find the words to express how he felt about the video.

Connor didn’t mind.

He wasn’t that guy anymore. Not really.

He could do better than that.

He could sing all the words.


	11. Summer After Freshman Year

Connor volunteered to take the pictures so he wouldn’t have to be in them. That was an old trick of his. It kept the focus off of him and prevented his family from claiming he wasn’t participating. 

There were a lot of pictures for him to take. Zoe had a lot of friends.

And she was actually willing to pose with their parents.

The photo session after her graduation was definitely not a repeat of his.

He put his phone down when the last of her friends wandered off. He thought that meant his job was done, that they were finally heading home.

Zoe latched herself onto him the second his phone was down. She handed hers to their mother. “Mom, do you mind?”

She grinned at his confusion. “Say cheese.”

He didn’t say cheese, but he did manage to smile.

The parking lot was full, which possibly explained why it was taking his father so long to return with the car.

Possibly being the keyword. 

There was a good chance his father had decided to sneak in a phone call while he was away from his family. 

Or he’d run into someone he knew in the parking lot.

There was a lot of that going around.

Connor glanced up when he heard his mother saying goodbye to the woman she’d run into.

“It was lovely seeing you again! My best to John!” Cynthia shook her head when she reached Connor’s side. “I can’t for the life of me remember what that woman’s name is. Isn’t that awful? We were in the PTO together for years.”

Connor tried to keep his amusement from showing.

“Molly?” Cynthia squinted at the sky. “Polly? Holly?”

“Golly?” Connor suggested. “Like in-”

“_Harriet the Spy_,” Cynthia smiled. “I remember.”

Her smile turned wistful as she watched Zoe goof around on the stairs with her friends. “I think next year’s going to be hard for your sister.”

Connor watched Zoe and Nicole take a selfie with their tongues out. “She’ll be fine.”

“It’s going to be a big change. Her friends are all going to different schools.” Cynthia shook her head. “I don’t understand why they didn’t try to stick together. I would’ve thought Nicole at least would-”

“Maybe they didn’t want to go to Ohio.”

“Ohio?” Cynthia blinked. Her confusion turned into excitement when she spotted someone standing behind Connor. “Bernice!”

Connor’s phone flew back into his hand the instant she was gone. Holding it made him feel like he had a shield up, like no one would even think about approaching him.

Not that he actually thought anyone wanted to approach him. It was better to be safe than sorry though. There were a lot of familiar faces there. Teachers who were eyeing him warily, classmates he’d seen in passing, parents who were trying to figure out if he was someone they should recognize.

No one he really knew. No one he really wanted to talk to.

The only classmate he would’ve been happy to see was spending the summer in Colorado.

He kept an eye on the street so he could jump in the car as soon as his father showed up. 

He stepped back to scan the parking area. It was impossible for him to tell if his father was in the line of cars trying to leave.

That one moment of exposure was enough to lower his shield. 

He felt like cursing when he saw Ms. Ross heading his way.

Of course, his guidance counselor was there. And of course, she was wearing her butterfly earrings and smiling at him like they were old friends.

“Connor Murphy,” Ms. Ross beamed. “Here for your sister’s graduation?”

Connor could only nod.

“How’s college treating you? Did you have a good year?”

Connor nodded again.

Ms. Ross studied him like she was trying to understand what was going on inside his head. He half-expected her to drag him into her office so they could have a chat.

She smiled and patted his arm. “It’s good to see you, Connor. You look like you’re doing well.”

And then she was gone. Off to congratulate a group of their school’s latest graduates.

He released the breath he’d been holding and checked his phone when it buzzed.

Evan had sent him a picture of a giant rock.

He replied with a thumbs up and immediately received a monkey in response. 

He wasn’t sure what that meant, but it made him laugh.

The offices of Harvey, Porter, and Lee were smaller than Connor remembered. 

Which made sense since he hadn’t been there in years. Many years. At least ten.

He hadn’t spent a lot of time at his father’s office when he was a child, but he was familiar with it. He remembered where the bathroom was and the kitchen and the fire exit.

Even as a child, his instincts had told him to find safe places to hide.

It felt weird walking into the office as an intern instead of as a kid who was being dragged to the firm’s holiday party. 

He didn’t like it.

He didn’t like it at all.

He hadn’t agreed to spend his summer doing unpaid grunt work that didn’t have anything to do with his studies.

He’d seriously thought his father was joking when the subject came up.

Which should’ve clued him in that the internship was real because his father’s sense of humor did not allow him to come up with jokes like that.

At least it was only for a few weeks.

He only had to do it for a few weeks before he left for Europe.

With his family.

He was starting to wish he had a time machine that would let him skip ahead to the end of August.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have a time machine, so he had to settle for being the worst intern he could possibly be. That was not a hard goal to accomplish. It was easy to be bad when everyone else was so good.

With any luck, he’d get fired and open the spot up for someone who actually wanted it.

And deserved it. He definitely didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t fit in with the other interns. It was like they could tell he didn’t belong.

They were smart and bright-eyed and eager to please. He looked like he’d just rolled out of bed. Which he had because he’d thought the house was on fire when his father rushed him out like that. 

The other interns finished their tasks early and asked what else they could do.

He spent the majority of his time making paperclip chains and playing solitaire and emailing Evan.

They thought it was a privilege to be there. He heard several of them talking about how the internship was a major stepping stone.

Because they were all pre-law. Every single one of them.

Connor felt dizzy when he realized that.

He didn’t know why he was surprised.

Why else would an otherwise normal college student agree to spend their summer following the barking demands of the dictator known as Eden?

Of course, there was a chance they weren’t normal.

Connor realized that right away.

They all moved like their blood contained more caffeine than water and spoke with a confidence that made Connor want to shudder.

The girl who sat across from him was the worst.

Not because of anything she said or did, exactly.

Because of the way she kept staring at him. It was like she was trying to catch his eye.

Which was the last thing Connor wanted because he was not there to make friends.

They spoke a few times throughout the morning. Or, rather, she spoke.

She asked if he had any extra staples and told him he’d misspelled the word ‘affidavit’ and cleared her throat whenever Eden was drawing near.

That was what finally made him look at her. 

He decided to be nice and meet her stare after she saved him for the third time.

And then he looked away because she looked way too familiar for his liking.

That thought stayed with him for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon.

He didn’t look at her again until she sighed.

Really sighed. It was the deepest sigh he’d ever heard.

“You don’t remember me, do you?”

“Should I?” The words left his mouth before his brain had time to process them.

The girl smiled tightly. “Alana.”

She pointed at herself. “Alana Beck? We went to school together for, like, six years.”

Connor picked at his paperclip chain. “Oh.”

Alana wrinkled her nose. “Seven, actually. Starting in sixth grade, I think. We worked on a biology project together in tenth grade.”

She sighed again. “You have no idea who I am.”

She sounded so resigned that it made Connor’s spine stiffen.

“No, I do.”

“You do?”

“Alana Beck. You were always...” He tried to find a nice way to put it.

“Into everything,” Alana grinned. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t recognize you at first, but yeah.”

“It’s the glasses. No one recognizes me without my glasses.”

Connor tilted his head.

Alana smiled knowingly. “It’s like I’m Supergirl. I got contacts and no one knows who I am anymore.”

“You should take advantage of that.”

“How? By becoming a vigilante?” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “That could work. My own sister didn’t recognize me when I first got contacts. She’s kind of a moron, mind you, but still.”

“Can you fight?”

“I can learn.”

Connor nodded because he bet she could. She’d always struck him as the kind of person who could do anything she set her mind to.

Alana shook her shoulders and glanced at her computer. “Okay. Back to work.”

Connor added another paper clip to his chain.

Evan was right. 

Connor was reassigned the next day. It caught him off-guard because he didn’t see Evan’s email until he got home.

It was a good surprise though. It was good as far as an internship-related surprise could be anyway.

Heidi Hansen was a much better supervisor than Eden. She gave Connor tasks he could actually handle and explained them to him before she left. She didn’t just drop a pile of papers on his desk and expect him to instinctively know what to do next.

And she had a sense of humor. That was definitely a plus.

Her smile reminded him of Evan’s so much it was unnerving at times. 

And that wasn’t the only similarity.

They shared a lot of habits. They both talked with their hands and chewed their pens and raised their eyebrows when they thought Connor was saying something crazy.

It was weird and familiar and made the job feel almost bearable.

Heidi was on the phone when Connor returned from lunch.

He lingered in the doorway and looked over his shoulder at the other interns. He didn’t want to go back there, but he didn’t want to intrude on what could very well be a private conversation.

She smiled when she spotted him and waved him in. ‘It’s Evan,’ she mouthed. She rolled her eyes at whatever her son was saying. “I’ll look when I get home, but, sweetie, you know you can always buy a pair of sunglasses there. They’re not that expensive.”

She leaned against her desk and nodded like Evan was saying something very serious.

Which he probably was. 

Connor knew how Evan got about his things.

“I’ll send them if I find them, but did you check the inside pocket? You’re always putting things in there.” She looked like she was trying not to laugh when she nodded again. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you found them.”

She sighed when she hung up. “He’s bored.”

“Lucky,” Connor muttered. 

Heidi’s eyes flashed knowingly. “He told me this isn’t exactly how you were planning to spend your summer.”

“It’s only for a few weeks,” Connor shrugged.

“And then it’s off to Europe? Evan mentioned that too.”

Connor nodded.

Heidi handed him a folder. “Then I better hurry up with my assignments or I’ll be stuck with all that highlighting.”

Connor sat down and opened the folder. “What am I looking for this time?”

“The exact opposite of what I had you doing this morning.” She smiled when Connor simply blinked. “Here. I’ll show you.”

“How’s Evan doing?”

The question made Connor jump because it came out of nowhere.

It really, truly came out nowhere. They’d been working in silence all morning and then suddenly wham. There it was. 

The parental interrogation was about to begin.

Connor knew the signs, even if they weren’t the same ones his parents exhibited. 

He glanced up long enough to confirm his suspicions.

He tried to look on the bright side. Heidi had lasted an entire day before she started asking questions. 

His parents wouldn’t have made it an hour.

Connor scratched his neck and leaned forward to study his papers. “He’s fine.”

He looked up when Heidi didn’t try again.

She caught his eye and smiled. “I know he is academically, but is he...”

Connor highlighted something at random. He had no idea if it was something he was supposed to highlight. He really couldn’t have cared less.

“He has you at least.” Heidi let out a small chuckle. “He has at least one friend.”

Connor closed the file when he reached the end. 

It was for the trial of a boy who’d hit two pedestrians while he was high. Connor wondered if his father had had a hand in assigning it to him. 

He put it in the finished pile and reached for another one. He closed his eyes when Heidi absentmindedly touched the file he’d put away. 

“His father’s letting him have his old car.”

“I know,” Connor nodded. 

The unasked question hung in the air.

Connor pointed at the file. “He doesn’t do anything like that. He barely even drinks.”

Connor wondered if he’d said the wrong thing until Heidi smiled into her hand.

He decided to throw her a bone. “And he has other friends. Like Ryan, his roommate.”

Heidi nodded slightly.

“And...” Connor blinked at how blank his mind felt. At how pathetically blank it felt because it really was pathetic. The two of them were pathetic. “There’s Mia, of course.”

That got Heidi’s attention. She sat up a bit straighter. “Mia?”

“His...” Connor stopped himself because he didn’t know what he would say Mia was to Evan. “The girl he was...”

His mouth snapped shut because Heidi had clearly never heard the name Mia before.

“Studying with,” Connor finished weakly. “They study together sometimes. Like a study group, except it’s just the two of them and they do other things too and...”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut.

He really needed to stop talking. 

“Mia?” Heidi whispered. 

Connor nodded slightly. “Yeah. Mia.”

He learned his lesson after that.

He didn’t mention Evan’s hot lifeguard to Heidi.

He did tell Alana though.

Because that was becoming a thing. 

Alana was becoming a friend of his. Or possibly an acquaintance. It wasn’t like they saw each other outside of work.

They just ate lunch together and shared a work space when Heidi wasn’t available to oversee Connor.

They attempted to digitally stalk the hot lifeguard, but it was hard because they only knew his first name. Alana got a lot closer to finding him than Connor ever would have.

Closer, but not close enough.

It amused Connor to see how frustrated she got when she couldn’t find him.

“Ask Evan what Blake’s last name is.”

Connor shook his head. “He’d catch onto that right away.”

“You’re his best friend.”

Connor nodded because he supposed he was.

“You don’t think he’d tell his best friend the name of the guy he-” She squeaked when Connor suddenly stomped on her foot.

Because Heidi had come into the kitchen.

Of course, Heidi had chosen that particular moment to pour herself another cup of coffee.

They lowered their eyes until she was gone.

Alana recovered first. “I wonder if there’s some kind of facial recognition app we can use to find him. Do you still have that picture Evan sent you?”

Connor shook his head even though he did.

Connor knew how lucky he was to have the opportunity to spend two months traveling around Europe. He knew it was something he should be happy about, even if it meant spending a lot of time with his family.

With Zoe, mostly. His parents were only going to be there for part of it.

He knew it was crazy that he was dreading it as much as he was.

Knowing that didn’t make it any easier for him to stop though.

He called Evan while they were waiting to board.

He called him even though their flight was leaving in the middle of the night.

He attempted to do the math and figure out what time it was in Colorado, but he gave up when he decided it didn’t matter.

He was calling no matter what.

It took him two tries to get Evan to pick up.

Evan did not sound happy when he finally answered. He didn’t really sound like anything. He made a sound that didn’t even sound human.

“We’re about to leave,” Connor informed him.

“What time is it?” Evan groaned.

“Five o’clock here. I don’t know what time it is there.”

“Sleep.”

“You were sleeping?” Connor pretended to be shocked.

“Yes! Late!”

“It is late.”

Evan hummed at that. He sounded slightly more awake after he yawned. “You’re leaving?”

“As soon as they call us.”

“Have a safe trip.”

Connor chewed his lip because he didn’t know else what to say.

Or why he’d called.

Zoe wasn’t calling any of her friends to say goodbye. She looked like she was practically asleep with her head resting on their mother’s shoulder.

He flinched when he saw that his father was on the phone too.

With work, of course.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I’ll try.”

“That’s good,” Evan muttered. He yawned again.

“Go back to sleep,” Connor whispered.

Evan didn’t need to be told twice. Connor was pretty sure the call ended before he finished his sentence.

The first few days were a blur of jet lag and tours.

Lots of tours with lots of photo ops. 

Connor focused on the trees. He ignored Zoe’s teasing when she realized what he was doing.

He was still mad at her. He was surprised the feeling wasn’t mutual. He was surprised she wasn’t annoyed he’d gotten upset about her choice of colleges. He was surprised she wasn’t insulted that he didn’t want her to go to the same school as him.

She really was a better person than he was.

He didn’t plan to run away from his family, but then he never did plan things like that.

They just happened.

They just had a way of happening.

He didn’t even see what he did as running away. Not really anyway. 

He saw it as escaping a situation that would’ve gone south fast if he’d stayed.

He didn’t plan to fall asleep when he got on the train.

It just happened.

It was peaceful though.

Being away from his family when there wasn't an easy way for them to reach him was peaceful.

He spent hours watching the hills go by.

His family was happy when he returned. 

Happy and angry.

Happy and angry and worried and relieved.

Mostly happy though.

He was surprised to see that.

His mother nearly crushed his ribs when she hugged him.

His father’s apology sounded sincere.

Zoe hardly said a word until their parents went to make some calls. She punched his arm the second they were alone.

He rubbed it while he moaned in pain. “Ow...”

She folded her arms across her chest and scowled at him. “That’s for scaring us.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“You really scared us. All of us, even Evan.”

“I can’t believe you called him.”

“He’s your best friend. Your only friend. If anyone knew where you were, it’d be him.”

“He didn’t know.”

“Yeah,” Zoe huffed. “We figured that out fast.”

Connor sat on his bed and buried his head in his arms. “I needed a minute.”

“That was more than a minute. A lot more. It was two days’ worth of minutes.”

“I know,” Connor sighed. “I needed to be somewhere that wasn’t here, that wasn’t with them.”

“What Dad said was wrong.”

Connor glanced at her quickly. “Yeah?”

Zoe scoffed at his expression. “Why do you sound so surprised? Did you think I agreed with him?”

Connor shrugged because he hadn’t been sure. 

Zoe deflated when their eyes met. “Even he didn’t agree with himself. He knew what he said was wrong after he said it.”

“Then why did he say it in the first place?”

“I don’t know,” Zoe admitted. “They don’t have a problem with your being gay.”

Connor snorted.

“They don’t!” Zoe insisted. 

“Mom doesn’t.”

“Dad doesn’t either. Not really anyway. They were confused when they heard us talking and that’s my fault. I shouldn’t have teased you about Lauren. What you do is your business and yours alone.”

Connor nodded slightly. His eyes flashed when he caught her studying him. “You’re still wondering what it means.”

Zoe’s mouth opened and closed several times. “Kind of. I don’t know.”

“I don’t know where I fall on the spectrum now.”

“Okay,” Zoe nodded. 

“Okay?”

Zoe shrugged. “Like I said, it’s your-”

Connor didn’t feel like hearing that again. He hopped off his bed. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Zoe covered her eyes so he could change.

Connor didn’t mind when he heard they were cutting their trip short thanks to his little solo expedition. 

That wasn’t a surprise.

It was surprising to see he wasn’t the only one who was ready to go home.

They all were.

He had a feeling his parents wouldn’t be planning any family vacations for quite a while.

He resumed his internship when he got back. He did it willingly because he was trying to make amends and he was bored and Alana was right, it did look good on his résumé. 

Mostly because he was bored though. He needed the distraction and staying home with his mother wasn’t going to cut it.

The second half of the internship was a lot more fun than the first.

Partially because Zoe was there too, partially because Alana was more relaxed since things were winding down, and partially because Heidi was in a really good mood every day.

A weirdly good mood.

Not that she was usually in a bad mood. Good seemed to be her default mood as far as Connor could tell.

It was weird how good it was though.

Alana looked at him strangely when he mentioned it one day. “Probably because of her boyfriend.”

Connor dropped his pen. “Boyfriend?”

He craned his neck to see.

“Aw,” Zoe cooed. “He’s cute. They’re cute.”

Connor tried to shield his monitor from Eden as he opened his email.

He managed to snap a picture of the guy talking to Heidi when they went by.

Zoe scooted closer to see what he was doing. “You’re emailing Evan?”

“He doesn’t know about his mother’s boyfriend.”

Zoe chewed her lip. “Do you really think you should get in the middle of all that?”

Connor wasn’t sure. He decided to do it anyway. He spun around to face Alana. “Are you sure he’s her boyfriend?”

Alana shook her head. “It was just a thought.”

“Have you seen him before?”

Alana shook her head again. “But I heard her telling Wendy about a date she went on last week. She said it was their fourth one.”

“What’s his name?”

“I...” Alana puffed out her cheeks. Her eyes sparkled when she jumped up. “I can find out.”

Connor left his fingers on the keyboard while he waited. 

In retrospect, Connor probably shouldn’t have taken the girls with him when he decided to follow Heidi and Geoff.

It hadn’t actually been his idea though. It had been Alana’s.

And the girls were so excited about the idea of being spies he couldn’t say no.

So, really, he had no one to blame but himself when they got caught.

“You hid behind a plant?” Evan was already laughing when Connor picked up.

“It was a large plant.”

“It wasn’t that large. My mom sent me a picture of it. Of you. Of all three of you crouching behind a plant that’s half your size.”

“What’d she say?”

Evan chuckled into the phone. “She thought I should know that my friends followed her to a lunch meeting. She wanted to know if I was worried she’d started day drinking.”

“Did she mention Geoff?”

“No,” Evan sighed. “She didn’t say a word about him.”

“And she called it a lunch meeting?”

“That’s what she said.”

“Hmm,” Connor hummed.

“Maybe it was one. Maybe-”

“It was a date.”

“Maybe he’s-”

“I asked my dad if Geoff is a client. He said no.”

Evan was silent for a moment. “I have to go. I have glue in my hair.”

Connor stared at the phone when the call ended.

Heidi called him into her office at the end of the day.

That was a surprise because she usually respected his schedule. She was one of the few who did.

She looked slightly sheepish when he sat down. “I won’t keep you. I know it’s time for you to leave.”

“It’s fine,” Connor shrugged. “Zoe can wait a minute.”

Heidi nodded and handed him a stack of folders and a list of instructions to give his father. 

Because his father was taking over as his supervisor while Heidi was off fetching Evan from Colorado. 

He wondered if it was too late to request Eden instead.

“Larry knows about the cases already,” Heidi said. “He’ll know what to do.”

Connor nodded and started to stand up. He hesitated when he saw the way Heidi was chewing her lip.

Her voice was excessively bright when she spoke again. “Have you talked to Evan this week?”

Connor nodded. “He’s ready to come home.”

Heidi chuckled. “I think the kids are wearing him out at camp and at his dad’s.”

Connor smiled slightly. “Yeah.”

Heidi drummed her fingers along the desk and took a breath. “Have you... Did you by any chance, um, did you say anything to him about Geoff?”

Zoe had been right. 

Connor really shouldn’t have gotten in the middle of what was clearly a family situation.

He gripped the folders a bit tighter. “He wanted to know why I was following you, so...”

“Right,” Heidi laughed. “Okay. Well.”

She shook her head when she saw the time. “I won’t keep you any longer. Drop those on Cecile’s desk on your way out. She’ll make sure they go where they’re supposed to go.”

The cake was stale and sweet. Excessively sweet. The kind of sweet that made Connor want to gag.

He put it on the counter and slid it into the trashcan as subtly as he could.

It didn’t matter. Eden noticed anyway.

He looked away so she couldn’t kill him with her scary eyes.

Alana bounced over to him so quickly he was willing to bet she’d managed to eat her entire piece.

“Well, this is it, I guess.”

Connor nodded slightly. “The end of the internship.”

Alana chewed her lip as she reached for her phone. “I think I have your number in here somewhere, but, uh...”

She was wondering if he wanted to stay in touch.

He smiled when he realized that. “Let me know how that whole rectangle thing works out.”

“Square,” Alana corrected. “And I will.”

She rocked back on her heels and scanned the crowd. “Is Evan coming?”

“It doesn’t look like it.”

“That’s a shame,” Alana said. “It would’ve been nice to see him.”

“And to ask about Blake?”

“Blake,” Alana breathed. “Whatever happened with Blake?”

Connor shrugged because he had no idea. He hadn’t had any idea any of the other times Alana had asked either. “Do you want me to send you that picture he sent me?”

“What picture?” Alana frowned.

“The one of Blake at the pool.”

Alana blinked like she didn’t understand the question. “Why would I want that?”

“Because...” Connor tried to think of a nice way of saying so she could look at it whenever she wanted. Because he assumed that was what her interest in Blake was really about. 

Alana’s eyes widened like she got what he was getting at. “He’s beautiful, but no. Not my type.”

“Not your type?”

Alana shook her head. “Really not my type.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open when he got what she was getting at.

She flounced off before he could find the words to express how much he got it.

Connor didn’t plan to be the last intern at the party. Quite the opposite, really.

He’d planned to leave first.

That plan was thwarted when Zoe ducked out after lunch and took the car.

He supposed that was what he got for being environmentally conscious and carpooling with his sister.

He sent her a series of texts demanding that she return for him because there was no way he was waiting around for their father.

She finally responded by saying their mother had insisted on taking her shopping for school supplies.

He was about to get an Uber when his father snuck up and asked if he was ready.

He said yes immediately.

He regretted his decision when he realized they weren’t going straight home. He reached for the handle like he was seriously thinking about jumping out of a moving car.

His father sighed and checked that the doors were locked. “I thought we could grab a bite to eat since your mother and Zoe are out tonight.”

Connor shook his head. “I’m fine. There’s a Hot Pocket with my name on it.”

“I ate the last one last night.” 

“Then stop at the store.”

“You know your mother only allows us to buy one box a month.”

“I won’t tell if you won’t. We can eat the evidence before she gets home.”

“She’ll see the box in the recycling.”

“I can take it to Evan’s. I was planning to go there anyway.”

Larry glanced at him quickly. “He’s back then?”

Connor nodded. “He just got home.”

“I’m sure you two have a lot to catch up on.”

Connor shrugged. “I guess.”

“He was really worried about you when you disappeared, you know.”

“I didn’t disappear. I fell asleep on a fucking train and rode around the countryside for two days.” Connor wiggled his fingers as he did the math. “It wasn’t even two whole days.”

“I thought we were going to have to pay for him to fly over there. He was panicking that much.”

“He has a tendency to panic about stupid things.”

“His best friend disappearing isn’t a stupid thing to panic about.”

Connor shrugged and picked at his nails.

“That’s what he is, isn’t he? Your best friend?”

Connor shrugged again.

“We like him. Your mother and I. We’re glad he’s your friend.” Larry glanced at him shrewdly. “Don’t go and drop him now that I’ve said that.”

Connor smiled in spite of himself.

He sighed when his father pulled up to a stoplight. He made a decision he knew he’d regret. “I could go for a slice of pizza.”

Larry didn’t even bother hiding his surprise.

“A quick slice,” Connor added frantically. “Really quick.”

Larry nodded. “I know a place.”


	12. Sophomore Year - August and September

Connor wasn’t sure where he was when he woke up. The room was dark and eerie and unfamiliar. The eeriness came from the tv that was on but wasn’t playing anything.

His heart sped up and his breath caught in his chest and a burst of adrenaline spread through his veins until his eyes landed on Evan.

And then it came back to him.

He was at Evan’s house. They’d been having a Harry Potter marathon. If his memory served him correctly, he’d fallen asleep during _Order of the Phoenix_.

Evan was out too. He was out cold with his head resting on the arm of the couch.

Connor looked away when his brain woke up enough to realize he was staring. Staring blankly, but staring nonetheless. 

He jumped off the couch when he heard a rustling sound at the door. It sounded like someone was trying to break in.

He shook Evan’s shoulder until he startled so violently he nearly took out one of Connor’s eyes.

A rush of gibberish escaped from Evan’s mouth as he continued to flail.

Connor squeezed his shoulder and pointed at the door.

Evan stifled a yawn. “What?”

“I think someone’s trying to break in.”

“Who’d want to break in here?” Evan sputtered. “We don’t have anything worth stealing.”

The front door swung open.

Connor felt around the table before grabbing the first thing his hand landed on. He lowered his arm when the intruder flicked the light on.

And then he was laughed at by two Hansens.

“What were you going to do?” Evan chuckled. “Throw the remote at my mom?”

“Is that what you kids are using as weapons these days?” Heidi grinned.

Connor put the remote back on the table. “It was better than nothing.”

Heidi narrowed her eyes at Evan. “You turned the porch light off. I couldn’t see the lock.”

Evan’s hands flew up defensively. “I didn’t think you were coming home tonight.”

Heidi’s mouth twisted to the side like that was fair. She glanced over her shoulder at the kitchen. “Is there any pizza left or did you boys eat it all?”

“Geoff didn’t feed you?”

“We had an early dinner. He has to be at work at six. That’s why I left, so he could get some sleep.”

Connor hoped Evan didn’t think about that statement too much.

Evan watched his feet as they wiggled around in front of him. “There’s still pizza.”

Heidi gave him a quick smile before disappearing into the kitchen.

Evan turned the tv off and stood up. “Are you staying here tonight?”

Connor blinked because he’d thought that was obvious. “It’s after two.”

“Oh,” Evan muttered. “Right. I think we have a cot in the basement.”

Connor followed Evan into the kitchen. He took a second to look around while he walked. Evan’s house still felt new and unfamiliar. It didn’t feel like his house at all.

Evan was quick to point out the size difference, but it was more than that.

It wasn’t coordinated. It didn’t look like an interior decorator had put it together. Make that multiple interior decorations. His mother liked to have certain parts of the house redone every few years.

There was clutter in Evan’s house. Not in a bad way. It wasn’t neat, but it wasn’t really messy either. It actually felt like people lived there. It felt like the world wouldn’t end if crumbs ended up on the floor.

Evan made his way over to the counter where his mother was eating peanut butter while she waited for her pizza to finish heating up. 

Connor rubbed his eyes when he saw there were three jars of it on the counter. “You guys really like peanut butter.”

He’d said the wrong thing somehow. He knew that when he saw their expressions. Evan looked annoyed. His mother looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“We have a system,” Heidi explained. “We each have our own jar.” She held the lid up so Connor could see the ‘H’ that had been printed on it. “The third one’s for sandwiches.”

Evan folded his arms across his chest. “It’s because I got her sick when I was fifteen.”

“It’s better if we don’t share.”

“She used to put a mask on if I so much as sniffled.”

The sound of the microwave beeping made Heidi forget whatever it was she’d been about to say.

Or to reconsider it.

Connor wasn’t sure which.

Evan eyed the basement door while she blew on her pizza. “Do we have still have a cot down there?”

Heidi squinted at the door. “If we do, it’s behind the water heater and probably has mold all over it.”

“I can sleep on the couch,” Connor offered. 

“We have extra blankets in the linen closet.”

Evan nodded at the stairs. “I’ll show you.”

It was dark upstairs. Connor held onto the railing while Evan felt around for the light. He flinched when it flicked on above him. “Shit. That’s bright.”

Evan chuckled at the way he was shielding his eyes. “Did you sneak some of my mom’s whiskey while I was asleep?”

Connor snorted. “I just need a light blanket.”

Evan pulled one off the top shelf and handed it over.

Something caught Connor’s eye when he reached forward to take it. There were pencil marks all over the edge of the door. He tilted his head to see. 

Evan rocked back on his heels. “That’s where we used to keep track of my height.”

“You used the linen closet door?”

“Yeah,” Evan shrugged. “What’d you use?”

“The basement door. If you study it closely, you’ll see the one month where Zoe was actually taller than me.”

“I bet she loved that.”

“She did.”

Evan ran his hand along the top mark. “I don’t know if this one’s accurate. I did it myself.”

“Let’s see.”

Evan hesitated a moment before lining himself up with the door. Connor put his hand on top of Evan’s head. Evan stepped back to see.

Connor patted the door. “Either that’s wrong or you grew again.”

“I don’t think I’ve grown.”

“Are your pants shorter?”

“No.”

“Then probably not.”

“Wait!” Evan put a hand up to stop Connor before he could move. “Let me get a pencil.”

Connor left his finger right where it was.

_Where’s Levy Hall?_

Connor shielded his phone while he typed. _Across from the dining hall._

_Where’s the dining hall?_

“Connor,” Cynthia said warningly.

His eyes widened innocently when he met her stare. “What?”

“We’re having dinner now.”

“I thought the no phones at the dinner table rule had been lifted.” Connor shrugged when his parents exchanged a look. “That’s what Zoe said.”

Cynthia folded her hands in front of her. “It’s your last night at home.”

“I know.” Connor stared at his phone when an explosion of question marks filled the screen. “Zoe’s lost.”

That changed things. His mother’s expression softened immediately. “You’re talking to your sister?”

Connor nodded. _Where are you?_

The response was instantaneous. _If I knew that, I wouldn’t be texting you, would I?_

“I thought they were showing them around campus,” Cynthia frowned. “Isn’t that what freshman orientation is for?”

“She got separated from her group.” Connor checked his phone when it buzzed. Zoe had sent him a picture of the back of Reilly Hall.

He jumped when his phone started to ring. His parents motioned for him to answer. 

“Hey,” Connor muttered. “I’m sitting here with Mom and Dad.”

There was a moment of silence. “Do they know I’m lost?”

“Yup.”

“Are they planning to come get me?”

“That hasn’t come up yet.”

“Because I wouldn’t be opposed to that right now. I’m kind of freaking out here.”

“Breathe.” Connor smirked when she huffed into the phone. “Do you see the statue of-”

“What statue? I don’t see any statues!” Another pause. “The one of the guy holding a book?”

Connor nodded. “Do you see the building behind that?”

“I’m lost. I’m not blind.”

“That’s Garrett Hall. Walk around to the front of the building.”

He waited until Zoe indicated she had. “Do you see how the path splits in two?”

“Yes.”

“You want to take the left path.”

“My left or your left?”

“What?”

Zoe sighed. “I don’t know. The one that goes up or-”

“The one that goes up. Follow it past the soccer field and around the bend. The dining hall will be on your right. Levy will be a little ways up on your left.”

Zoe sighed again. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll let you know if I get lost again.”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone until you get there?”

“And take away from your time with Mom and Dad?”

“Do you want me to drive up there and guide you?”

Zoe’s laughter cut short. “You’ll be here tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What time?”

“I don’t know. Early.”

“Okay.”

“Mom and Dad aren’t coming.”

“They’re not?”

She didn’t sound upset, just surprised.

Connor ignored his mother when she said they were happy to help him move if he needed them. The more she said it, the more he was determined to handle the move himself.

“I’m allowed to check in at ten, so-”

“I’ll see you at 10:01.”

“If you can find me.”

He grinned as he hung up. His grin faded when he saw the way his mother was beaming. “What?”

“Nothing,” Cynthia smiled. “I was just thinking it’s nice the way you’re looking out for your sister.”

Connor hadn’t realized that was what he was doing. He stared at his plate.

“Are you all packed?”

Connor blinked because it was the first non-work-related thing his father had said all night. “Almost.”

“Do you need any help?”

Connor shook his head.

His parents exchanged another look. He knew what they were thinking. They were thinking about the differences between him and Zoe, about how Zoe still welcomed their help. 

Only when she needed it though. 

Connor knew what would happen when that stopped. They’d see it as a sign that she was becoming independent. They wouldn’t see it as her refusing to let them in.

He pushed his plate away and chugged the last of his drink. “Speaking of, I should probably go finish packing.”

He stood up when neither of his parents protested.

He didn’t make it far. His mother cleared her throat before he left the room.

“What time do you think you’ll be done?”

Connor shrugged. “I don’t know. Why?”

That was a dangerous question. He knew that when he saw the glint in her eye.

“I was just thinking we could watch something together. A movie or...” She smiled at her husband. “Or our show. Your father didn’t believe me when I told him what happened to the twins.”

Connor thought about protesting, about saying the soap was his thing with Evan. His mother looked so eager, so cautiously excited, he didn’t have the heart though. “We should show him the Christmas special.”

Cynthia’s eyes lit up again. “Oh! That’s a good one.”

Larry smiled tightly. “I can’t wait.”

Sophomore year started off a lot better than freshman year.

Connor knew his way around campus, for one. He knew where his classes were. He knew all the shortcuts. He knew where to get food whenever he wanted it.

And rooming with Evan was definitely better than rooming with Cole, but that had pretty much been a given.

It wasn’t as fun as his mother seemed to think it would be though. It wasn’t like they were having a slumber party every night.

They were both busy and, even though their schedules coordinated more often than not, it wasn’t like they were treating their room as their new basement lounge.

They had a living room for that. A living room that they shared with their six other roommates. 

That was an adjustment.

Most of them were okay. Ryan and Kai were ideal roommates in the sense that they only seemed to sleep there half the time. Seth and Chris were quiet and kept to themselves. Connor felt like he saw their overnight guests more than he saw them. 

Their constant, everchanging stream of overnight guests. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what was up with that.

Cole was as insufferable as ever, of course, and Jared was Jared. The two of them butted heads from day one. From minute one, really.

They fought and bickered and complained to anyone who would listen.

In Jared’s case, that was usually Evan. Which meant that Connor got to hear it too.

He chimed in sometimes when Jared started ranting, but he stopped himself before it went too far.

There was still a part of him that was scared Jared would wear Evan down and convince him to swap rooms with Cole.

It didn’t take Connor long to establish a routine.

Mornings were always a blur because he was not a morning person at all. Neither was Evan. 

Most mornings, they floated around doing their own thing, without even making eye contact with each other. When they attempted to talk, their conversations mainly consisted of the word ‘what’ being asked over and over again until one or both of them started laughing.

He didn’t feel human until he had coffee in his system and even then, it sometimes took an hour for his brain to really wake up.

His days always varied after that. Sometimes he had class, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes he met with a study group, sometimes he didn’t. There was always reading to do and papers to write. That was his one constant.

He met Zoe for lunch at least once a week. That was her idea. It started off as a weekly thing, but it became more frequent because she needed it.

Their mother had been right. College was a big change for Zoe.

She didn’t really know anyone else and she didn’t make new friends right away.

Her roommate sounded even worse than Cole. At least Cole had never left his toenail clippings under Connor’s bed or erased Connor’s half of the whiteboard before he could read his messages.

Not that there had been many messages, but still. Connor had been able to leave the tree doodle Evan left him up all year without any fuss.

It still felt weird whenever Zoe willingly chose to go out of her way to see him. A good kind of weird, but weird nonetheless. 

Neither of them told their parents about their lunches. They were scared their mother would follow through with her threat to establish a weekly lunch date with them if they did.

Connor had never been a big birthday person.

He didn’t see the point. It was the anniversary of the date he’d forced his way out of his mother. If anyone should be celebrating, it should be her.

He’d had a lot of birthday parties when he was younger. 

Expensive birthday parties. 

Lame birthday parties. Lame because the guest list had always consisted of the people his parents wanted to invite. His father’s clients, friends who had children, friends who didn’t have children but were still considered important enough to be included. His cousins and classmates, if his parents thought they needed more kids.

He was pretty sure Evan had come to at least one of his parties. 

He didn’t ask.

He stopped having birthday parties in middle school because he didn’t like them. He’d never liked them, but he became more vocal about it when he turned twelve. His parents went along with it because that was the start of his “difficult phase.”

After that, his birthday was just another day.

He got cake and presents and that was it.

Presents he didn’t ask for and organic carrot cake without any frosting. 

Even his parents understood his birthday wasn’t a cause for celebration.

His 20th birthday was more of the same.

His parents called to wish him a happy birthday and that was it until after dinner.

That was when Zoe showed up with a box of cupcakes. 

Cupcakes with more frosting than cake.

Connor would’ve licked them all if his roommates hadn’t been there.

They were surprised it was birthday, which was fair. It wasn’t like he’d gone around broadcasting it.

Evan was the only one who knew and he knew not to tell. He’d gathered that from the few times the subject had come up.

And from Zoe.

Because, apparently, the two of them had discussed Connor’s birthday at length.

Connor was just glad they’d dropped the idea of throwing him a surprise party.

They decided to keep it simple and safe. Zoe got him the cupcakes. Evan gave him a Pygmy Puff keychain. Connor attached it to his desk lamp right away. 

And then he raised his eyebrows at the way Evan was twitching. “What?”

“Nothing,” Evan mumbled. He sighed when Connor continued to stare. “I almost decorated our door.”

“Why?”

“For your birthday. You know how people decorated their friends’ lockers in high school? I thought about decorating our door.”

“Oh.” Connor stared at the keychain. “But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t think you’d like that,” Evan shrugged. “And I don’t have any wrapping paper here.”

“You have construction paper.”

Evan tilted his head at him. “You want me to decorate it?”

“I don’t know,” Connor muttered. “No one ever decorated my locker in high school.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “Me neither.”

Evan hurried towards the door. “There was a bow on the box Zoe brought. I can start with that.”

“Cole has yarn.”

“His knitting yarn?”

“It’s my birthday. Take a risk.”

“Jared has sequins. I can glue those to the construction paper.”

Connor smiled tightly. “This is a stupid idea. My birthday’s almost over.”

“Uh-uh,” Evan grinned. “We’re doing this.”

“It’s a waste of paper. It’s like killing a tree.”

“So, I’ll get my ecology class to plant five new trees. We’re doing this.”

Connor followed him out. He chewed his lip when his eyes landed on the counter. “There’s one cupcake left.”

“You want it?”

“It’s Ryan’s.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Take it. He’s not here.”

“But-”

“He’ll probably just give it to Layla anyway.”

That settled it.

Connor was having the cake.


	13. Sophomore Year - October

Connor wasn’t used to being surrounded by noise whenever he came home.

His parents’ house had always been quiet. Deafeningly so at times. 

Whenever there was noise, it usually came from him. Or was because of him. He was usually at the center of it, whatever it was.

Living with Cole had been hard for a number of reasons, but noise had never been one of them. That was one problem he’d never had to worry about with Cole. 

He didn’t have to worry about it with Evan either. Evan definitely wasn’t a noisy roommate.

Neither were the others, really. The noise came from the fact that there were eight guys living in a small suite with walls that may as well have been made out of paper.

It didn’t take long for the rare, random moments of quiet that popped up sometimes to become a luxury. 

The same could be said about privacy.

Connor was used to having his privacy invaded. His parents had never respected it. They’d inspected his room and monitored his devices and tried to keep tabs on everything he was doing.

Tried being the keyword. He knew how to cover his tracks.

He didn’t have to worry about that with his roommates. None of them seemed particularly interested in what he had going on.

The privacy issue wasn’t the same in the suite as it was at home. He was more afraid of someone walking in on him in the bathroom than he was of having his phone hacked.

He knew he wasn’t the only one having a hard time adjusting to the suite. They all were to some extent. He kind of felt like Evan and he were having the toughest time though.

Evan was used to quiet too. A different kind of quiet though. The kind of quiet that came from spending a good portion of his adolescence in an empty house.

Which meant that Evan was also used to his privacy. Living with Ryan hadn’t changed that because Ryan had spent half his time at Layla’s.

He knew it was weird for Evan to have a roommate who was actually around more often than not. Almost as weird as it was for him to have a roommate he liked.

Connor pulled his earbuds out when he heard laughter seeping through the wall. He spun around to face Evan. “Do you hear that?”

It took Evan a second to notice he was talking. He pulled his earbuds out when he did. “Hear what?”

“They’re laughing.”

“Who?”

Connor pointed at the door. “Jared and Cole.”

“Was it a sinister laugh?”

Connor shook his head. 

“I think they’ve become friends.”

Connor gripped the edge of his desk. “Friends?”

Evan smiled at his confusion. “Yeah. There’s definitely a grudging respect thing going on over there.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. On the one hand, it was a good thing because it might make Jared stop whining about switching rooms. On the other hand, the thought of those two joining forces was terrifying.

Evan smiled like he knew what Connor was thinking. “Yeah...”

“How’d that happen?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. I heard them shouting at each other for, like, forty minutes the other day and then it just stopped. I thought they were dead.”

“Or fucking.”

“That wouldn’t have been quiet though.”

“Unless they were tenderly making love.”

“Ew,” Evan gasped. “No.”

Connor snorted. “Could you hear what they were saying?”

Evan shook his head. “The words were all muffled.”

That was the one good thing about the walls. They were thin enough that even normal conversations could be heard, but there was something in them that made everything sound like it was being said a million miles away.

Evan dropped his pen and flinched so hard he almost fell off his chair. “Oh my God.”

“What?” Connor laughed.

“I’m picturing it.”

“It?”

“Jared and Cole... Why did you have to say that? It’s burned into my brain now.”

"Does it look like they're having fun at least?”

A strangled laugh escaped from Evan. “Oh my God.”

Connor laughed even harder. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Evan smacked his forehead like he was trying to knock the image out of his brain. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” 

Another burst of laughter seeped through the wall.

Evan flinched again. “Okay, that was scary.”

Connor grinned as he spun back around. “I know, right?”

Family Weekend was a lot easier the second time around. Having Zoe there took a lot of the heat off Connor. 

It also helped that their parents were clearly suffering from empty nest syndrome and were actually excited to see both of their children. 

They had lunch with Evan and his mom, which helped the afternoon go smoothly. Things were always better when there were other people around. It forced them all to behave.

It forced his parents to behave anyway. Connor usually didn’t care either way.

After lunch, the four of them went to a concert the music department was putting on. Zoe was nervous about it. That was a weird sight to see. Connor couldn’t remember ever seeing Zoe get nervous about a performance.

The hall was packed with families. Connor took a seat with his parents. That was weird too. He’d always insisted on sitting at least two rows away from them whenever they dragged him to one of Zoe’s shows.

There weren’t enough seats for him to do that though and his mother was holding his arm like she thought he was going to float away.

She smiled when their eyes met. “Have you seen the new episode yet?”

Connor nodded.

“I can’t believe what they’re putting Madeline through this time! That poor woman. It’s no wonder she-”

Connor rolled his eyes when his father cleared his throat.

Cynthia rolled hers too. “I wasn’t going to give away any spoilers.”

That got Connor’s attention. He’d assumed his father didn’t want to hear about the soap. It appeared his assumption was wrong.

“Your father has started watching it too,” Cynthia whispered.

“I have not,” Larry muttered.

“I caught him watching it last week.”

Larry started to open his mouth, only to shrug like he’d changed his mind. “I can see why you like it.”

Cynthia patted his hand. She gestured at the stage. “How’s your sister doing?”

That was the last thing Connor had been expecting. They never asked him for information about Zoe. He wondered if that meant he’d somehow become the stable sibling in their eyes.

Or maybe they were just that worried about Zoe.

That was probably it.

They wanted to know how she was really doing.

He shrugged. “Fine, I think.”

“She always sounds so...” Cynthia chewed her lip. “It always sounds like she’s straining to make herself sound upbeat when we talk.”

“She keeps forgetting to answer my texts,” Larry added.

Connor swallowed the comeback that was dying to slip out. He shrugged again. “We have lunch a few times a week.”

His parents perked up at that. 

They perked up so much it made Connor regret his decision to share.

“You do?” Cynthia breathed.

Connor nodded.

“Is she-”

“She’s adjusting,” Connor said quickly.

His parents exchanged a look. 

“Has she made any friends?”

“Is she stretching herself too thin with all the commitments she’s been making?”

“Have things with Gillian gotten better?”

“Did she ever make that appointment with her advisor?”

“Did she ask about switching rooms?”

Connor poked at his forehead.

There was a smattering of applause when the conductor finally took the stage.

Connor didn’t think he’d ever been that ready for a concert to start.

They smiled and waved until they could no longer see their parents’ car.

And then it was like the weight had been lifted. They exhaled simultaneously. 

Connor chuckled when he caught Zoe’s eye. “Answer Dad’s texts.”

Zoe blinked like she didn’t understand. “What?”

“Amateur move not answering.”

“He told you that?”

Connor nodded. “They’re worried about you.”

Zoe shoved her hands in her pockets and exhaled shakily. “Oh.”

“If you don’t want them to worry, you need to stop giving them reasons to.”

Zoe nodded slightly. “Answer Dad’s texts.”

“And stop trying to sound cheerful when you talk to Mom. She can tell when you’re faking.”

“I didn’t want her to worry.”

“Just tell her you’re late for class. You have no idea how many times I’ve used that excuse to dodge her.”

Zoe gave him a smug smile. “She’s knows that’s a lie.”

“She does?”

“Yeah,” Zoe laughed. “We talked about it all the time last year.”

Connor studied her for a moment. “You did not.”

“Did so! It was all she’d talk about sometimes. About how she hoped you were doing okay because you refused to take her calls.”

“I answered her calls.”

“And hung up within, like, thirty seconds. She saw right through that.”

Connor made a face. “Okay, so ducking our parents is a skill we both need to work on.”

Zoe grinned at him all of the sudden. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For distracting Dad so he’d stop trying to set you up with what’s-his-name.”

Connor shook his head dazedly. “What was that?”

“He was trying to be supportive.”

“By setting me up with some random guy who just happens to be gay?”

Zoe smiled serenely. “He’s trying.”

Connor put a hand on his hip. “So, how are you really?”

“What?”

“Are you adjusting to college okay or-”

Zoe’s mouth formed a thin line. “I’m going to go eat.”

She wrinkled her nose when Connor fell into step with her. “You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

“That you’re struggling?”

Zoe stopped so quickly he almost walked into her. “I’m not... This year’s just been a bit harder than I’d thought it would be.”

“Have you made any friends?”

“No, Mom.”

Connor snorted. “Woah. Reverse déjà vu.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“It is so a thing.” He tilted his head. “Not even in band? I thought you band geeks all stuck together.”

Zoe stared at her hands. “They’re all nice enough, I guess. I don’t know. It’s been weird.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

Zoe bumped their shoulders together. “At least I have you.”

Connor smiled at his feet.

He didn’t know what was weirder – the fact that she’d said it or the fact that she’d meant it.

Evan gasped when Jared suddenly squeezed onto the bench next to him. He scooted over so quickly he knocked into Connor, which would’ve started a domino reaction if Connor hadn’t been paying attention.

He narrowed his eyes at Jared, who pretended not to notice.

Jared rubbed his hands together and blew on them, even though it wasn’t cold yet. “Has it started?”

Evan shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?” Jared smirked. “You mean you can’t tell if the race has begun?”

“You can’t either,” Connor retorted. 

Jared’s hands flew around so fast he almost smacked Evan in the face. “I just got here!”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you have eyes.” Connor gestured at the track. “Do you see people running down there?”

Jared folded his arms across his chest. “Which one’s Kai? Can you tell?”

They all leaned forward to see. 

It was impossible to distinguish one runner from the next. 

“Maybe we should move closer,” Jared suggested.

He dropped that suggestion as soon as he’d said it. The stands were too crowded for them to move. 

Jared pulled his phone out and took a selfie. He threw an arm around Evan and took another one.

“I’m sending that one to our moms,” Jared said.

“You have my mom’s number?” Evan frowned.

“Yeah,” Jared huffed. He glanced at Evan’s quickly. “You want my mom’s?”

“Um...”

“There.” Jared dramatically tapped his phone. “I sent it to you.”

Evan checked his phone when it buzzed several times. He grinned and leaned to his left so his shoulder was against Connor’s. He snapped a picture. “My mom wants to know where I am.”

He pointed at the sign above Connor’s head.

Connor snorted at Jared’s expression. “Where’s Cole?”

“Bible study. Where’s everyone else?”

Evan gestured below. “Ryan and Layla are sitting with her friends. Seth and Chris are...”

Jared’s face lit up when he spotted them. “They have face paint? Why didn’t anyone tell me they have face paint? Do you think they brought it with them?” 

He was gone before he could get an answer.

A text popped up on Connor’s phone. “Your mom sent my mom the picture.”

“My mom has your mom’s number?”

Connor shrugged. “She wants to know if I invited Zoe.”

“Oh. Did you?”

He hadn’t. He sent her a quick text about the race. He chuckled when he was done.

“What?” Evan laughed.

“Reverse déjà vu.” He grinned when Evan nodded like he understood exactly what he meant. “My mom used to always try to get Zoe to take me to things with her friends.”

“Did you go?”

“No,” Connor scoffed. “I usually told her to go fuck herself when she asked.”

“But she kept asking anyway?”

“It’s no wonder you had a crush on her. You must’ve picked up on her inner-”

“Mostly I just thought she was hot.”

Connor clenched his teeth until he realized Evan was kidding.

“She seemed nice and... I don’t know. I thought it was weird how you two were...” Evan’s eyes bulged when he heard himself. He scratched his neck and nodded at the field. “Is it starting? I think it’s starting.”

Connor decided not to press.

He didn’t need to ask what Evan was going to say.

Connor grumbled and rolled over when Evan’s alarm went off. 

It was still dark out. He managed to crack one eye open to confirm his instincts were right.

He waited for Evan to apologize and tell him to go back to sleep.

He groaned into his pillow when that didn’t happen.

He heard Evan move across the room. He heard the door open when Evan went out.

He sat up when he realized he hadn’t heard any of the sounds that indicated Evan was getting ready to face the day.

Which made sense because it was the middle of the night.

That didn’t explain the alarm though.

He flopped back down and blinked at the ceiling until he heard the door open again.

He rubbed his eyes when he saw Zoe standing there.

Her face fell when she saw he was up. She recovered quickly though and bounced over to his bed. “Get up! We’re watching _Frozen_.”

Connor shook his head. “Reverse déjà vu.”

Zoe shoved his arm. “Get up! Get up! Get up! Why are you still asleep?”

“I’m not asleep,” Connor reminded her.

“Shh! I’m doing a bit.”

He motioned for her to go on.

“Where’s your laptop? Mine’s dead.” 

He blinked when she waited for him to catch on. “I don’t remember what you said next.”

Zoe sighed and collapsed next to him. “You don’t remember it at all, do you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even get what’s going on right now. Why are you here? Where’s Evan? Did he let you in?”

She nodded. “He’s sleeping on the couch now. That was part of our plan.”

“Your plan? You two really like scheming together, don’t you?”

Zoe smiled like they did. “It’s my birthday.”

His brow furrowed when he realized it was. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” She looked at him quickly. “You did the whole _Frozen_ thing on my birthday two years ago.”

He felt like he had realized that at some point. He felt like that was what had inspired him to do it. “So, this is our tradition now?”

Zoe stared at her fingers as they tapped together. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” He leaned back to grab his laptop off his desk. “I’m not singing ‘Let It Go’ again.”

“We’ll see.”

“I’m not.”

“You don’t think you can top that performance?”

“Only if it’s a duet.”

Zoe’s face lit up. “Really?”

Connor chewed his lip as he looked for the movie. 

“I’ve been practicing a lot lately. Not that song specifically, but...” Zoe shifted around while she waited for the movie to load. “I’m going to do open mic night with my friend Matt in a few weeks. You should come.”

“Friend?”

“Friend,” Zoe confirmed. “I’m no longer a friendless loser. I even have more than one.”

Connor wasn’t surprised. He’d had a feeling that wasn’t going to last long.

She had still come to him though.

It was her birthday and she wanted to watch _Frozen_ with her brother.

He settled back against his pillow and hit play.

Connor felt sluggish from all the sugar he’d consumed. 

It was Seth’s fault. He really could bake. His cookies were even better than Connor’s mom’s.

Not that that was saying much. Her cookies were always as healthy as cookies could be.

Connor yawned as he climbed into bed. 

Evan yawned too, which made Connor yawn again.

They both laughed.

Evan started laughing so hard he wheezed.

“What?” Connor grinned.

“I was just thinking about Seth and Chris and how I was convinced they were... they were...”

“Having orgies every night?”

Evan snorted. “Yeah. I really didn’t think that one through.”

“It was suspicious.”

“Yeah.”

“Almost as suspicious as Jared and Cole.”

Evan groaned into his hand. “Not that again. Please. I need to sleep. It’ll give me nightmares.”

“Would those nightmares be better or worse than the ones Jared’s movies inspired?”

Evan’s eyes darted around as he considered that. “I don’t know. Same.”

“You would be just as disturbed by a disemboweled corpse as you would by Jared and Cole-”

“Don’t,” Evan begged.

Connor chuckled. “Okay, but it’s Halloween. It’s the time of year where you should-”

The sound of screeching violins filled their room. Connor banged on the wall to tell Jared to turn it down.

The music got louder.

It got so loud they could hear the victim screaming as the killer did his thing.

“That’s it!” Evan yelled at the wall. “I’m calling your mom.”

And just like that, it was quiet again.


	14. Sophomore Year - November and December

Connor had never had a crush before. At least he didn’t think he had, not in the traditional sense. Not in the heart-racing, time-stopping, I-want-to-suck-that-person’s-face way other people seemed to have them. 

He noticed when he found someone attractive, but then they opened their mouth and the feeling passed.

Not to mention it was hard to imagine having a crush on someone when he knew they wanted nothing to do with him. 

Not that he could blame them. He didn’t want anything to do with himself half the time. 

Which was why the Matt thing really threw him through a loop. 

It was more confusing than the Lauren thing. It made his stomach twist when he realized a big part of Lauren’s appeal had been that she’d obviously been interested in him. 

That hadn’t been the only reason he’d gone out with her, of course. He was quick to remind himself of that. He’d thought she was cute and funny and smart. She was the kind of person he didn’t mind spending time with.

He hadn’t felt like he’d been struck by a bus when he first saw her though. He hadn’t felt like that any of the other times he’d seen her either.

He hadn’t been fixated on her hands. Or any of her other body parts, for that matter.

He hadn’t been torn between wanting to change the subject and wanting to take in every last word whenever her name came up.

He hadn’t been overwhelmed with the urge to be near her. Just to be near her, nothing else.

The Matt thing felt like something entirely different. 

And he really wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He was the only one feeling that way.

Evan was clearly amused by Connor’s instacrush. He didn’t even bother hiding his amusement. 

At least he had the decency to keep it from showing when Jared was around. Connor knew it wouldn’t end well if Jared ever caught wind of the Matt thing.

He was actually surprised Jared didn’t catch wind of it right away. He decided not to dwell on that. He wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

And Zoe’s teasing more than made up for the lack of harassment from Jared. It almost felt like she was making up for lost time by being the most annoying little sister she could possibly be. 

Connor decided to let her have her fun when he realized there was probably some truth to that.

He drew the line at letting her torment him when other people were around. It was one thing when the teasing came via texts and one-on-one conversations. 

It was another when she tried it in front of his friends.

In front of a suite full of his friends and their guests.

On Friendsgiving.

He snatched her phone from her when she tried to get everyone’s opinion on her open mic performance with Matt.

She pouted as she tried to take it back. “Hey!”

Connor gave her a look before returning it.

“Now who looks like Mom?” Zoe chuckled. 

Connor chose to ignore that. He sighed and went to the kitchen to get more food.

And to escape from Zoe before she could make another comment about how Matt’s hands looked when he was playing the guitar.

He made it halfway there before he realized Matt was leaning against the counter and talking to Kai. He turned around so quickly it gave him whiplash.

His eyes landed on the corner where Evan and Jared were sitting. Evan gave him a look like he knew exactly what had happened and waved him over.

Jared remained oblivious somehow. He was too busy watching something across the room to notice Connor’s moment of total awkwardness.

Connor followed his gaze.

There was only one thing Jared could be staring at.

Make that one person.

Zoe.

Connor decided not to comment on that. He had a feeling Jared’s obliviousness would come to a screeching stop if he did.

Connor was an expert at avoiding people. He had years of practice doing it in his own home.

It really wasn’t a hard thing to do.

Mostly he just stayed in his room with the lights out and his headphones on.

Matt’s presence in the house didn’t change that. If anything, it made him want to hide even more.

He knew what Zoe was doing. He knew she hadn’t invited Matt to stay with them out of the goodness of her heart.

Not entirely anyway.

She wasn’t even trying to be subtle.

He refused to play her game though.

He went straight to his room when he got home and didn’t emerge until the guests started to arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.

The problem was that Matt really was adorable. There was no denying that once they actually met. He had an infectious smile and an infectious laugh and a way of talking that made Connor feel at ease right away.

It took him over a minute to realize Zoe and Evan had abandoned them. He startled when he did. 

Matt smiled at that. “They went into the kitchen.”

Connor craned his neck to look, even though he couldn’t see that far. “Oh.”

He didn’t know why he was surprised. Zoe had made her intentions clear from the start.

He hadn’t expected Evan to go along with them. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Matt drummed his fingers on his thigh. His mouth twisted to the side like he was thinking really hard. “Where was I?”

Connor shrugged because he wasn’t sure.

He couldn’t remember anything Matt had said. He could only remember the way it had made him feel.

Matt snapped his fingers. “That’s right. So, after that night, we were banned from Prattle. Now we go to Copper City every weekend. Have you been there?”

Connor shook his head.

“We’ll have to go sometime.”

Connor smiled when Matt winked at him. Somehow it wasn’t as cheesy as it should’ve been.

He didn’t hide from Matt anymore that weekend.

He didn’t hide from him when they returned to school either.

He did the opposite of hiding. He actively sought him out. 

Because he liked Matt and he was fairly certain the feeling was mutual. It wasn’t as obvious as it had been with Lauren, but he was reasonably sure Matt wasn’t suddenly going to start laughing at him and announce that the thing between them was all in his head.

The thing between them that was new and exciting and confusing in a fun way. 

Nothing about the thing with Matt felt like the thing with Lauren. 

It was more intense in every way imaginable and it moved a lot faster.

They started spending all their free time together. Sometimes it was just the two of them, sometimes they hung out with Matt’s friends.

That was another difference. With Lauren, it had often felt like there were four people in their relationship because they spent so much of it with Evan and Mia.

That definitely wasn’t the case with Matt.

He was on his own. Even Zoe wasn’t around much because she was only on the periphery of Matt’s friend group. 

Connor was fine with that though.

More than fine with that.

He was fine with it until he wasn’t fine anymore.

It was late when he got in.

Really late. Evan was sound asleep.

That didn’t stop him from making noise as he stomped around the room. If anything, it spurred him on.

He flicked the light on.

That was a dick move. He knew that. He was well-aware of that.

He didn’t care though.

He didn’t look at Evan when he groaned and sat up. He didn’t answer him when he asked what time it was.

He turned the light off and went to change his clothes.

“Are you just getting in?”

Connor’s breath escaped in a huff. He pulled his hoodie on and stared blankly at his closet. 

He wondered if this was how it always went. Sex, relationships, the whole fucking mess that happened when you let other people in.

“It’s 4 am.”

Connor nodded slightly. That sounded about right.

“Were you with Matt?”

He didn’t answer him. 

He couldn’t answer him.

He couldn’t bring himself to think about that.

He stayed put until he heard Evan sigh and lie back down. 

Sleep didn’t improve his mood.

Not that he’d thought it would. He suspected he needed more than three hours of it for that to happen.

He didn’t really care about his mood though. He was more concerned about his ability to concentrate than he was about his feelings. 

He needed to focus. He needed to cram a semester’s worth of information into his brain.

He needed quiet to do that.

It wasn’t quiet in the room. Evan refused to stop making noise. It was like he couldn’t help it. If he wasn’t kicking his desk, then he was clicking his pen. And if he wasn’t clicking his pen, then he was clearing his throat and making weird noises with his tongue.

And cracking his knuckles.

That was the worst part. That was the part that made Connor’s blood run cold.

Connor couldn’t take it anymore.

He needed to study. He needed to do the kind of work that required absolute silence.

He told Evan that.

He lashed out.

They exchanged words and then it was done.

He was alone.

Alone with his thoughts.

He beat his head against the desk.

Evan didn’t come back that night.

Connor wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or...

Actually, he was sure.

He was worried. Panicked. Scared, even.

It didn’t help matters when he realized Evan had left his phone behind.

He thought about calling Evan’s mom to see if he’d gone there. He talked himself out of doing that when he realized Evan would kill him if he did.

He’d kill him if the call made his mother worry unnecessarily. 

Connor hoped his worries were unnecessary. He hoped Evan wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere or buried under a pile of rubble or...

He slept in spurts that night. Five-minute spurts, ten-minute spurts, one thirty-minute spurt that made him feel like he’d been hit by a train when he opened his eyes.

He was not at his best when he got up. Far from it, really. So far from it that he didn’t know how he was going to get through his history final.

He couldn’t concentrate during the roommate meeting Cole sprung on them, which wasn’t a surprise since Cole was doing most of the talking.

He snapped to attention when the door swung open and Evan came stumbling in.

Evan looked even worse than he felt.

It didn’t take him long to learn why.

Evan glanced at him quickly before telling them he’d spent the night at Mia’s.

Connor didn’t join the other guys when they started teasing him about that.

He tried to catch Evan’s eye to see what it meant, but he was not successful.

Evan wouldn’t look at him.

He wouldn’t look at any of them, really, but it felt like he was going out of his way to avoid looking in Connor’s direction.

Connor wasn’t sure what to do about that.

He wasn’t sure if there was anything he could do.

Evan wasn’t asleep when Connor got in.

He was in bed, but he wasn’t asleep.

Connor knew that right away. He also knew that Evan knew he knew.

Neither of them said a word.

Connor didn’t put the light on while he got ready for bed. He moved around as quietly as he could. He climbed under the covers and stared at the ceiling before reaching for his phone.

He played on it until his vision went blurry.

He put it down and rolled over.

Evan was still awake.

He could tell that from across the room. He could tell that even though it was so dark he could barely see his hand when he waved it in front of his face.

He didn’t look away when Evan rolled over so they were facing each other.

Their eyes met and...

Evan rolled back over without saying a word.

Connor decided to do the same.

He pressed his face against the wall.

He should’ve gone straight home after his exam. Staying had only made things worse.

Being home did not improve his mood, but that wasn’t a surprise.

If anything, it made it worse. It didn’t take him long to revert to his old ways.

His parents didn’t notice. Zoe did.

She noticed when he got high before breakfast. She noticed when he spent hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. She noticed when he didn’t complain about seeing his school-made decorations all over the house. 

She tried to cheer him up by forcing him to decorate the tree with her. 

He didn’t agree to help, but he decided to go watch. Mainly because his bed was starting to develop a smell. He hoped his mother would take care of that if he stayed out of it long enough.

He curled up on the couch and stared blankly at Zoe while she took her time examining the ornaments.

“You know what the best part of being a grown-up is?” 

“Being able to vote?” Connor guessed.

Zoe made a face. “That and finally being allowed to touch all the fragile ornaments Mom hid from us when we were kids.”

She jumped when the ball she was holding slipped out of her hand. “It’s fine! It didn’t break!

She put a hand on her hip when he didn’t respond. 

“What?” Connor demanded.

“Aren’t you going to threaten to tell Mom?”

Connor shrugged. “It didn’t break.”

“But...” Zoe sighed as she shoved the ball onto a random branch. She hopped onto the couch next to him and tilted her head like she was trying to read his mind.

Connor shifted around uncomfortably. “Can I help you?”

“What’s your problem?”

“In general or-”

“This week. You’ve been in a funk ever since we got home.”

“I’m always in a funk when I’m home.”

“Not like this.” Zoe tilted her head the other way. “Did something happen with Matt? Did you guys break up or...”

She cringed at his expression. “You broke up.”

Connor stared at his hands. He didn’t know if they’d broken up. Matt didn’t seem to think they had, judging from the texts he kept sending. 

The texts Connor kept answering. 

The texts Connor kept answering without using the words ‘fuck you.’

He decided not to explain that to Zoe.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. She’d clearly come to her own conclusions about what had happened.

She sighed heavily. “I thought things were going well with you two. I saw his Instagram post and-”

“You saw that?”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “The one where you’re...” She wrinkled her nose. “Yeah. I’m just glad you had a sheet covering your lower half.”

Connor folded his arms across his chest and pushed back against the cushions. He lowered his eyes when she continued to study him.

“What does Evan think about all this?”

That got his attention. He glanced at her quickly. “I don’t know.”

“He doesn’t have an opinion?”

“I’m sure he does. I don’t know what it is though.” He sighed when Zoe refused to look away. “We aren’t speaking right now.”

Zoe closed her eyes. “Okay. That makes more sense.”

“What?”

“You’re in a funk over Evan. That makes more sense than your being in a funk over Matt.”

Connor decided not to argue because he knew she had a point. “He isn’t speaking to me.”

“I thought you weren’t speaking to each other.”

“It’s mostly on his end.”

“What did you do?”

Connor didn’t feel like getting into that. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Mom hasn’t changed it yet.”

Connor shrugged because that didn’t matter to him anymore.

His family had a tradition where they watched a Christmas movie every night until they’d worked their way through all their favorites.

It had started out as something all four of them did, but that had changed over the years. For a while, there it was just Zoe and their mother. 

Connor had started joining them again the year before. Not every night, but for some of them. For the movies he liked, on the nights he didn’t have anything better to do.

He didn’t have anything better to do at all that year, but he still didn’t join them every night.

He made the mistake of joining them on the night they watched _It’s a Wonderful Life_. It didn’t take him long to remember why he thought it was the most depressing happy movie he’d ever seen.

He stared at the tv when it was over. His body felt heavy. His mind felt heavy. He caught Zoe watching him. 

He pointed at the screen. “Do you ever think about that?”

“About what?” Zoe whispered. She smiled when their mother stirred in her sleep. 

That was another tradition. Neither of their parents could ever stay awake for an entire movie.

“What the world would be like if you’d never been...” He stopped himself when he saw Zoe’s expression.

“Are you...” Zoe cleared her throat. “Are you...”

Connor decided to leave the room before she could find a way to ask if he was having those thoughts again.

He did his best to avoid Zoe after that.

It wasn’t hard when they were home since he had a lock on his door.

It was impossible on Christmas and on the days after Christmas. 

They had a lot of family gatherings to attend.

He tried to avoid Zoe at those, but it was harder than it was at home.

She finally managed to corner him at their uncle’s house.

“Have you talked to Evan this week?”

Connor snorted at her lack of preamble. “No.”

“Have you tried?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because...” Connor shrugged.

“You don’t think he wants to talk to you?”

Connor shrugged again. He pushed past her. “I’m getting a cheese puff.”

He glanced over his shoulder. He was surprised to see she wasn’t there anymore.

Connor always knew when people were talking about him.

Probably because he always thought people were talking about him and their reaction when he said they were told him if his instincts were right.

They were right when he found Zoe and Jared whispering to each other in the kitchen on New Year’s Eve.

He narrowed his eyes at Jared because Zoe was immune to that glare.

It worked like a charm on Jared. He shifted from foot to foot and mumbled something that sounded like an apology.

Zoe didn’t look the least bit apologetic though. She smiled tightly when their eyes met. “Jared said you were short with everyone before break too.”

“I didn’t use that word,” Jared said quickly. He flinched when Zoe gave him an identical glare.

He sighed and glanced around aimlessly. “So, yeah, Evan is...”

He smirked when he realized how actively Connor was listening. He waved his hand to shoo Connor away. “Do you mind? This is a private conversation.”

Connor didn’t need to be told twice.

He left because it was his fault he didn’t know whatever Evan was.

Connor nearly fell off his bed when someone knocked on his door.

He dropped his controller and watched in horror as the aircraft exploded on the screen. He didn’t know why he was so upset. He’d barely been paying attention to the game.

He turned it off and waited for Evan to work up the nerve to come in.

“Zoe invited me,” Evan blurted out. “And kidnapped me. That’s why I’m here.”

“She kidnapped you?”

Evan nodded. “I’m thinking about pressing charges.”

Connor snorted. “Do you need a ride to the police station?”

Evan sighed and scratched the back of his head. “So.”

He perched on the edge of Connor’s bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Connor decided to play dumb. “About?”

“The reason you were such a dick before break.”

“You thought that was bad? You should talk to Zoe. And my parents. They’ll set you straight.”

“What happened with Matt?”

“We had sex.”

Evan nodded slowly. “And?”

“And...” Connor puffed his cheeks out. “I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was taking a picture of the two of us.”

Evan’s brow furrowed. “And you didn’t want your picture taken?”

“He started cursing when he saw I was awake. He said I wasn’t supposed to see that.”

“That you weren’t supposed to see him taking a picture of you?”

Connor shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. I was tired and my head felt heavy. I started freaking out about what it meant.”

“What did you think it meant?”

Connor lifted a hand so he could tick off the possible explanations. “That he was using me to make someone jealous. That it was like a digital notch on his bedpost. That he was sending it to Zoe to prove he’d done what she’d asked.”

Evan blinked at that. “You think Zoe asked him to sleep with you?”

“In that moment, I thought she’d paid him to sleep with me.”

Evan let out a startled laugh. “Wow. Okay. Your relationship with your sister is way more messed up than I thought it was.”

“It’s really not,” Connor admitted. “It only took me a second to realize how crazy that theory was.”

“Good,” Evan breathed. “Because...”

He shuddered at the thought.

“Matt told me he had taken it for his Instagram because his followers like to know about every aspect of his life.”

“Including...” Evan wrinkled his nose.

Connor wrinkled his too. “So, yeah. The whole thing kind of freaked me out.”

“And then you left his room and came back to ours and-”

“I was a dick to you.” Connor nodded. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Evan’s hands twisted around in his lap. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“You liked him.” Evan tilted his head. “Do you still like him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Have you talked to him at all?”

“We’ve texted a few times.”

“So, there’s a chance you two might...”

“Might be like you and Mia?” Connor smirked. “What’s up with that?”

“Nothing. I mean, not nothing, but we’re not together.”

“You’re not?”

Evan shook his head. “We didn’t really discuss it, but all signs point to no.”

He jabbed his foot in the direction of the controller Connor had dropped. “Hey, didn’t you say you were going to teach me how to play that game?”

Evan wasn’t exaggerating when he said he was terrible at video games. 

Really terrible.

So terrible that it didn’t take Connor long to decide they both needed a break.

He paused the game and threw his controller down.

Evan’s face scrunched up with confusion. “What?”

Connor stretched his arms in front of him. He blinked when he heard the music playing below. 

Evan smiled slightly. “Your parents really like Christmas music.”

“My mom will be playing it for the next month at least.”

“My mom won’t. She’ll play it in the car for another day or two, maybe.”

Connor chewed his lip. “Did Zoe tell you...”

“Tell me what?”

“What did she say to get you to come here?”

“She kidnapped me, remember? I’m still thinking about pressing charges.” He puffed his cheeks out when Connor didn’t look away. “She said you’d been acting out all week. That you wanted to see me, but you were, uh, you were scared you blew it. Which is ridiculous, by the way. It would take more than that to make me-”

“Is that all she said?”

Evan shrugged. “Was there more?”

Connor’s hands twitched at his sides. “I think I scared her the other day.”

Evan’s eyes flashed. “Did you run away again?”

He shoved Connor’s arm. “You need to stop doing that!”

“I didn’t run away. I started to ask her if she’d ever thought about what the world would be like if she’d never been born.”

Evan’s eyes flashed again. “_It’s a Wonderful Life_?”

Connor grinned at that. “It got you too?”

“Every year.”

“I hadn’t watched it in a few years, but...” Connor stared at his hands. “What do you think would happen if you-”

“It would be better. Everything would be better.” Evan looked away quickly. “I mean, not if I died. I know people would be upset if something happened to me now, but if they didn’t know any better, if I’d never been born...”

“You think the world would be a better place?”

Evan lifted his hand so he could tick off the ways. “My parents would’ve gotten divorced sooner, before my dad had a chance to cheat on my mom. My mom would’ve gone back to being Heidi Jacobson. She only kept my dad’s name because it’s my name too. I’ve heard Maggie give her a hard time about that.”

Evan inhaled sharply. “She wouldn’t have to work so hard or have so much debt. I know I’m expensive. My braces were expensive. My therapy was expensive. My medicine... All of it. My dad wouldn’t have had to pay child support, so Ella probably could’ve gotten that pony she’s been asking for. She could’ve become a world-class rider if it weren’t for me.”

“Isn’t she, like, seven?” Connor laughed.

“So?” Evan shrugged. “She could’ve been a prodigy for all we know.”

He drummed his fingers on his legs. “Let’s see... What else?”

Connor put up a hand to stop him. “I think that’s enough.”

“I have more.”

“You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“You have no idea...”

“I wouldn’t have been better off without you.”

Evan made a face. “That’s nice, but-”

“My family would’ve been better off without me.”

Evan snorted and motioned for him to go on. “Okay. Your turn.”

“They would be happier without me.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Am I sure they’d be happier if they’d never had to put up with all my...” Connor gestured vaguely at himself.

“Maybe it would be like the... Have you ever seen the Hanukkah episode of _Even Stevens_?”

Connor shook his head.

“I used to watch it at Jared’s house every year. Louis thought his family would be better off if they’d had a perfect son instead of him and-”

“I think I saw that actually. You think Zoe would’ve become the black sheep of the family if I hadn’t been born?”

Evan nodded slowly. “She’d clearly have become the family stoner or-”

Connor snorted. “It really would’ve been better for them though.”

“Better how?”

“Better like... Quieter.”

“Quiet isn’t always a good thing.”

Connor rubbed his forehead. “Your house was quiet.”

“Yeah,” Evan muttered. 

“It would’ve been less stressful. They wouldn’t have had to worry about my moods, about walking on eggshells when I was in a bad one, about whether I was going to embarrass them in public, about whether I was addicted to pot, about whether I was going to make it through high school alive.”

There was a moment of silence after he said that last one.

Evan clearly didn’t know what to say. He cleared his throat and watched his feet swing around. “I wouldn’t be-”

“Don’t.”

“I’m serious.”

Connor smiled tightly. “Okay.”

“I am. I’m serious. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through school last year if you hadn’t-”

“You would’ve had Ryan.”

“Right. On the two days a week he wasn’t with Layla.” Evan suddenly grinned. “And don’t get me started on Cole. He really would’ve struggled if-”

Connor reached for his controller. “Do you want to learn how to play this game or not?”

Evan sighed and picked his up too. “I’m glad you were born.”

Connor’s finger hovered above the pause button. He lifted it so he could point at Evan. “Me too.”


	15. Sophomore Year - New Year's Day

The bottle was empty. The movie was over. The room was silent.

From a logical standpoint, that should have meant it was time for bed.

Connor wasn't feeling particularly logical though. He was tired, but not the kind of tired where he wanted to go to sleep. 

The kind of tired where he felt bored and restless and agitated.

He propped himself up on one elbow. “I still can’t believe you think Snape-”

Evan burst out laughing. He laughed so hard he hiccupped.

Which made Connor laugh too. 

He flopped back onto the floor and stared at the ceiling.

It was a familiar sight. He wondered how many hours of his life he’d wasted staring at his ceiling. 

He’d never seen it from that distance though. Or maybe it was the angle that was different. 

He wasn’t sure.

He pointed at the tv. “Should we start _Deathly Hallows_?”

He shook his head and answered himself before Evan could respond. “It’s too late to watch both parts and you can’t watch one without the other.”

“_Fantastic Beasts_?” Evan suggested. He flinched at Connor’s expression. “What?”

“You’re joking, right?”

Evan tilted his head at him. “No... not really.”

“I’m going to pretend you are or my mom’s going to end up sending my dad in to make us stop yelling at each other.”

Evan bit his lip. “Okay, I mean, it’s not the best movie, but-”

“Not the best?” Connor yelped. He eyed the door when he heard himself. “It’s-”

“It has its moments.”

“It...” He held his breath when he heard something creak in the hall. It didn’t sound like a floorboard, but he lowered his voice to be safe. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. You’re a Snape apologist after all.”

“The second one was terrible and problematic.”

“Okay, we can agree on that.”

“And J.K. Rowling really needs to start practicing what she preached about love and acceptance.”

Connor snorted. “Yeah.”

He extended his hand. “Truce?”

Evan slapped his hand and shook the top of it. “Truce.”

“What did Matt think about Snape?”

The question made Connor jump because he’d thought Evan was asleep. 

He yawned and lifted his head off the floor. “What?”

“I was just thinking maybe that should be, like, your litmus test from now on.”

“I should only date people whose Snape opinions coincide with mine?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “It would help you figure out if someone’s worth your time.”

“That would rule you out though.”

It took Connor a second to process what he’d said.

And then it was like he was drowning in acid.

He blinked at the ceiling and hoped Evan hadn’t heard. Or that he was too tired to wrap his mind around it.

Connor could barely wrap his mind around it and it had come from him.

He hadn’t meant it that way. He hadn’t meant it the way it sounded. He’d meant...

“As a person who’s worthy of my time,” Connor said quickly. “Not as someone I’m planning to date.”

Evan didn’t say anything for a moment.

Neither of them did.

The only sounds came from the video playing on Connor’s laptop.

He yawned and stretched and blinked like he was on the verge of falling asleep.

Evan didn’t notice. Or care. It was possible he didn’t care if Connor was finally ready to pass out.

He grinned as he propped himself up. “So.”

Connor didn’t like the sound of that ‘so.’ He yawned again.

“What does Matt think about Snape?”

Connor snorted and then shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“You didn’t talk about it?”

Connor shook his head.

“At all? Not even a little bit?”

“It’s not something you can just slip into a regular conversation.”

Evan made a face. “Yeah. I guess it would make a pretty bad litmus test then.”

He grinned suddenly. “Which is a good thing since I would’ve failed. Would that mean we couldn't be friends anymore?”

Connor nodded solemnly. “I would’ve had to switch rooms next semester. Jared would finally get his wish.”

“I don’t think it’s his wish anymore. He actually likes Cole now.” He slapped a hand over his eyes when Connor started to smirk. “No! Not that again. Jared and Cole aren’t... Are you seriously thinking that’s still a possibility? He was with... You know he’s in Zoe’s room right now.”

“Aren’t you the one who just said Jared will do anyone with a pulse?”

“I didn’t say it like that!”

“You may not have used the word ‘do,’ but-”

“We’re getting loud again.”

“We’re not that loud.”

“Do you really want this to be the thing we’re screaming at each other about when your mom decides it’s your dad’s turn to make us quiet down?”

He had a point. 

Connor really didn’t feel like explaining that one to his parents.

Or to Zoe, who would be pissed when she heard. Rightfully so.

He covered his mouth when he yawned. It was a real yawn that time.

A contagious yawn.

Evan yawned too. “We should go to sleep.”

Connor nodded slightly. 

Evan pointed at Connor’s bed. “You live up there.”

Connor nodded because he did.

That didn’t mean he felt like moving though.

He really should have moved. 

His neck made that clear when he woke up. So did his legs. 

They screamed at him when he forced himself to stand up.

He let Evan use the bathroom first because he couldn’t move yet. Which was just as well because there were more pressing issues on his mind. 

He glared at Jared while he rubbed his legs.

It only took Jared a second to mumble something under his breath and scurry out of the room. To Zoe’s room, presumably.

He raised his eyebrows at Zoe when he was gone.

“What?” Zoe demanded.

“Jared? Really? That’s the best you can do?”

Zoe folded her arms across her chest. “We’re not doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“I don’t have to justify myself to you.”

Connor decided to let it go because she had a point. He pointed at her phone instead. “What are you planning to do with that?”

Zoe grinned as she turned it over in her hand. “With what? The video I took of you and Evan snuggling?”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “We weren’t snuggling. We weren’t even touching each other!”

“It looked like you were from up here.”

Connor took a moment to replay it in his head. They hadn’t been snuggling, but their bodies had touched. Briefly. Barely. “He rolled onto me for, like, a second.”

“What were you doing down there anyway?”

“I fell asleep.”

“On the floor?”

Connor nodded slowly and mouthed the word ‘yes.’

Zoe still didn’t look satisfied, but she dropped the subject when the bathroom door swung open. “I’ll let you guys get dressed. Come down when you’re ready.”

The satisfaction Connor got from flinging a piece of French toast at Jared was short-lived. 

It barely lasted a second.

Jared wiped the food off his face and stared at his plate like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

Zoe seemed more annoyed than he did.

Which really wasn’t a surprise when Connor stopped and thought about it.

She thought Connor’s attack had been about her.

Which it had, to some extent.

Mostly it had been an attempt to distract Evan by taking the Snape test out for a spin.

He hadn’t been surprised when Jared failed spectacularly.

It hadn’t been worth it though. Evan was still fretting over Geoff and Zoe was annoyed and the small speck of syrup on Jared’s cheek was only noticeable when he tilted his head up.

They ate their breakfast in silence. 

Connor focused on his food. He tried to savor each bite like it was his last.

Because it was in a way. He didn’t know what his mother’s New Year’s resolutions entailed, but no good ever came from them.

He wondered if he was the only person who wanted to return to school because of the food. Besides Zoe, of course.

And Evan, who had been known to complain about the lack of food at his house.

Connor glanced up when Evan suddenly startled so violently he sent his fork flying.

His ears went red as he apologized to them and to the waitress whose ear he had only narrowly missed piercing.

Zoe followed his gaze until she spotted Geoff standing near the counter. “Is that...”

Her mouth snapped shut when she saw the way Evan was gaping at his phone.

“He’s picking up a pie,” Evan breathed. “For us. For dinner. Tonight. He’s... our house. Tonight. The three of us.”

Connor smiled weakly. “I’d say you can eat at our house, but I think you’re better off taking your chances with Geoff.”

Jared’s eyes darted around the table. “Who’s Geoff?”

“My mom’s boyfriend,” Evan muttered.

“Your mom has a boyfriend?” Jared’s shoulders drooped when he realized he was the only one at the table who didn’t know.

Connor would’ve felt bad for him if he’d been someone else.

Evan gripped his phone so tightly Connor was surprised it didn’t break. “She wants me to go with him.”

“What?” Connor said.

“My mom. She’s texting me right now. She knows I’m here and Geoff’s here and she wants me to go with him to pick something up from Maggie’s house because I know where Maggie keeps her spare key.” Evan grabbed at his hair. “She keeps it in the rock shaped like a turtle which everyone can tell is not actually a rock because it looks like a turtle.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his head in his arms.

It was too late. Geoff was already heading their way.

He lifted his hand in a sort of half-wave and then he stopped.

He dug his phone out of his pocket when his eyes landed on Evan.

Evan’s phone buzzed a minute later.

His shoulders shook as he reached for it. “She says to forget about it. She’ll have Maggie drop the box off after work.”

Everyone’s mood seemed to shift when Evan calmed down.

Connor released the breath he’d been holding.

Zoe visibly relaxed.

Jared looked like he didn’t have a clue what was going on.

But then what else was new?

They lingered in the parking lot when they were done eating. They stood around and shivered because doing that was better than the alternative.

No one was in a hurry to go home.

Zoe let out an excited gasp when she checked her phone. “Maya’s home!”

“Who?” Jared asked.

“Maya,” Zoe repeated. “My friend Maya. She was one of my best friends in high school.”

She chuckled when she heard herself. “That sounds so weird. I used to see her, like, every day and now it’s been almost six months since we last saw each other in person.”

“Are you going to go over there?” Connor wondered.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “I think I will.”

Connor’s stomach twisted when he realized what that meant. He was going to be trapped in the house with his parents and whatever diet his mother had decided to try. He spun around to face Evan.

Evan smiled like he was reading his mind. “You want to have dinner at my house?”

“Yes, please.”

Jared cleared his throat.

Evan closed his eyes. “You want-”

“Can’t!” Jared beamed. “I have plans.”

He turned on his heel and strode off without giving any indication as to what those plans might be.

He didn’t make it very far since they’d all come in the same car.

“He has nothing,” Connor muttered.

Evan snorted and gave a slight nod. “He’ll never admit it.”

“Do we care?”

Evan thought about it for a minute. He stepped forward to catch Jared’s attention. “Are you sure you-”

“I can rearrange some things,” Jared practically chirped.

Evan’s house was empty when they got there.

Evan seemed relieved to see that. He texted his mom to let her know they had company before throwing himself onto the couch.

Connor collapsed on the other end. A wave of exhaustion hit him the second he sat down. He kicked his shoes off and stretched himself out so that his feet were near Evan’s head.

Evan batted Connor’s foot away from his face before doing the same. He grinned when his foot landed on Connor’s shoulder.

Jared looked between them and sighed. “Where-”

Evan jerked a thumb in the direction of the armchair. He yawned so loudly it made him jump.

Which made Connor laugh and let out a yawn that was twice as loud as Evan’s.

Jared shook his head at the two of them. “Is it your naptime or something?”

“Naptime,” Evan yawned. He slid down so his head was resting on a cushion. 

Connor did the same. He yawned again. A softer yawn that time. The kind he released when he was about to fall asleep.

“I’m not tired!” Jared announced. “I slept really well last night.”

Connor could see the exact moment Jared realized that was not something he should boast about in front of Zoe’s brother.

He gave Jared a look before he closed his eyes.


	16. Sophomore Year - January and February

Heidi looked so confused when she opened the door that Connor wondered if he’d made a mistake.

A horrible mistake, judging from the way she was squinting at him.

He wondered if he’d imagined their conversation. He wondered if it had been a dream.

Dreaming that his best friend’s mother had asked him to pick up his friend’s night guard was a bit weird, but then most of Connor’s dreams were pretty strange.

He opened his mouth to apologize for showing up unannounced, but she started laughing before he could get the words out.

“Evan forgot to call you?” Heidi smiled.

Connor nodded and shrugged and then nodded again.

“I took his night guard to him last night.”

“Oh.”

“I realized it would be less expensive to drive up there myself than it would be to fix his teeth if he finally cracks something.”

Connor's eyes widened with understanding. “He does have a tendency to grind them in his sleep.”

“He’s still doing that?” Heidi shook her head. “I thought he’d outgrown it. I didn’t hear him when we were travelling last summer. I know I fell asleep before him, but still. It used to be so bad I could hear him in the hall.”

“It still is sometimes.”

Heidi stepped to the side so he could come in. “Let me call him while you’re here. There’s probably something else he’s remembered he forgot.”

Her phone rang the second Connor stepped inside.

It wasn’t Evan.

Connor thought it was safe to say that wasn’t the look she got when her son called. 

She smiled and ducked into the kitchen to answer it.

Connor glanced around uncertainly. He didn’t know where to go. He knew better than to follow her, but he didn’t think he should just wander around the house either.

He settled for studying the pictures on the wall.

They were all of Evan or, at least, he was in all of them. 

Evan in a pumpkin costume. Evan petting a sheep. Evan with ice cream dripping down his chin. 

He pulled out his phone. _I’m at your house. Did you forget anything else?_

A flash of residual anger smacked him in the face. _Is there anything else I shouldn’t tell your mom?_

He deleted that last question because he didn’t feel like starting another fight. He didn’t want to start the new semester the way he’d ended the old.

He put his phone away when Evan didn’t respond immediately.

It would serve him right if there really was something he’d forgotten.

Connor tried to push that thought away, but it was hard because it hadn’t come from a place of anger. Evan’s words hadn’t made him angry. 

They’d hurt. It had stung to think Evan thought that little of him. That he thought Connor was an expert at lying and manipulating others.

Connor was used to people thinking the worst of him. He just hadn’t thought Evan was one of them.

He checked his phone even though he hadn’t felt it buzz. 

He checked the time. He had told Zoe he’d be right back. 

Of course, that was before their father had decided to give her a crash course on driving in the snow. At the rate that was going, they’d be lucky if they managed to leave home before dark.

He texted Zoe that she should remind their father it would be a lot harder for her to drive at night than it would be while the sun was still up.

He pocketed his phone again.

Heidi gave him an apologetic smile when she returned. “That was Geoff. He thought he’d forgotten his...” 

She shook her head and held up her phone. “Whatever that is.”

Connor shrugged because he barely knew what a screwdriver looked like, let alone whatever that tool was.

“I told him it’s probably in his truck.”

Connor patted his phone. “I texted Evan. He hasn’t written back.”

“Let’s give it a minute.” Heidi nodded at the kitchen. “I was just heating up some leftover Chinese. Are you hungry?”

She smiled at Connor’s expression. “Evan mentioned your mother is on some kind of a crazy diet. I promise I won’t judge if you use all the soy sauce.”

Connor followed her in. There were containers all over the table. It looked like they’d ordered enough to feed a small army.

“Geoff treated,” Heidi explained. “He ordered everything I said Evan likes.”

“Geoff had dinner here?”

Heidi nodded. “He spent the night. He couldn’t leave because of the snow.”

And that explained it.

Why Evan had gone back early, why he’d lied to his mother, why he’d been annoyed when Connor hadn’t gone along with his story.

It hadn’t had anything to do with Connor after all.

He grabbed an eggroll and bit into it so he didn’t have to meet Heidi’s stare. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he was surrounded by things that actually looked like food.

His phone buzzed.

Zoe was trying to get their father to let her leave.

“Is that Evan?” Heidi asked.

Connor shook his head. “My sister. Our father’s quizzing her on driving in the snow because she’s never really done it before.”

Heidi paled at that. “Shit. Evan. I didn’t even think...”

“He made it there okay,” Connor reminded her.

“He probably inched his way there. We never really practiced in the snow much when he was learning to drive.” Heidi took a sip of her drink. “We never really practiced that much at all. I think I made up most of the hours in his log.”

“My parents did too.”

Heidi rolled her eyes. “What do they expect? The DMV, I mean. Do they honestly think parents have that much time to teach their kids how to drive?”

Connor stared at his hands.

His parents had had that much time. He didn’t think they’d made up any of Zoe’s hours.

They hadn’t wanted to make up his hours. He knew that for a fact. Both of his parents had tried to teach him. He had to give them that. They’d tried multiple times. 

Fudging the hours had been a last resort. They’d only done it when they’d realized he wasn’t going to let his lack of a license stop him from driving when he felt like going somewhere. 

And it would’ve been less embarrassing if he’d crashed his car when he was licensed than if he had when he wasn’t.

His phone buzzed again. 

Zoe wasn’t going to be ready for a while, judging from the line of exclamation points she’d sent.

“Zoe again,” Connor said.

Heidi scooped some rice onto her plate. “Do you want anything else to eat?”

Connor shook his head. “I should go.”

The sooner he left, the sooner he could extract Zoe. 

He blinked when Heidi leaned back to get a stack of containers from the cabinet next to the stove.

“Let me send some food with you.” She chewed her lip for a moment. “I tried to send some with Evan yesterday, but he refused to take it.”

Because Geoff had ordered it.

Connor knew that for a fact.

He also knew Heidi knew he knew.

“I think he’ll eat it now,” Heidi said brightly. “I think we’ve reached an understanding.”

Connor stared at his hands. He wasn’t touching that with a ten-foot pole. 

He was serious about not starting another cold war with Evan.

“Things will be better the next time he comes home. I think he’ll like Geoff if he gives him a chance. I think it’ll be good for him to get to know him.”

Connor eyed the door. He knew she was mostly talking to herself, but that didn’t make the situation feel any less awkward. 

He needed to get out of there before she tricked him into saying something he didn’t want to say.

She smiled when she saw his expression. “I’m keeping you.”

“It’s fine.”

“He still hasn’t written back?”

Connor checked his phone. “No.”

“His loss.”

“Yeah,” Connor laughed.

Heidi studied the containers. “You know what? I think I’ll send it all with you.”

Connor’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to-”

“There are eight of you in that suite. It’ll be gone in minutes. It would take me all week to finish that.”

She had a point. Except Connor thought it would be more like seconds than minutes. “Are you sure?”

Heidi waved her hand dismissively. “I’m hardly going to be home this week anyway. I’d probably end up tossing most of it.”

That was good enough for him. He waited until she packed him a bag.

Zoe’s car wasn’t in the driveway when Connor returned.

He didn’t bother texting her because he knew there was no point in doing that. Their father was giving her a road test, so she couldn’t answer if she wanted.

Shouldn’t answer. It would only prolong the test if she did.

He left the food in the car because he didn’t feel like having that conversation with his mother. It would be fine. It was cold enough outside to keep the food from spoiling.

His mother smiled when he walked into the kitchen. “I thought you’d left.”

“I’m waiting for Zoe?” 

It came out as a question because it had been his parents’ idea for him to wait. Unless that had been a dream. In which case he was really confused. 

“Your father just took her out for a quick drive around the block.”

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets and stared blankly at the wall.

“How are the roads?”

“Fine,” Connor shrugged.

“You didn’t have any trouble, did you?”

“Why? Are you going to make Dad test me too?”

He knew that wasn’t going to happen.

She knew it too.

Her face softened in a way that made him twitch.

“Your father was just saying that’s one thing we’ve never had to worry about with you.”

There was a compliment in there somewhere. Connor chose to ignore it. “I’m going to go wait in the car.”

Cynthia put a hand out to stop him. “You’ve always been a good driver. A natural. Your father was just saying we don’t need to-”

A car door slammed shut outside.

Two car doors.

Zoe was laughing at something their father was saying.

It didn’t look like it was a humorous laugh though.

Connor took that as his cue.

He hurried outside. “You ready?”

Zoe nodded firmly. “Very.”

Larry pointed at her. “Don’t-”

“Stop on any hills,” Zoe finished. She took a breath. “And stay away from the other cars and go as slow as I want.”

She turned on Connor. “Which means you have to go slow too. You can’t take off and leave me in the dust.”

Connor reached for his keys. “You first.”

Her expression shifted into one of pure panic. 

“The whole point of this is for me to follow you in case you break down,” Connor reminded her. “Unless you want to ride with me and get your car later.”

He snorted when his parents exchanged a look.

“We can take your car to the shop this week,” Cynthia offered. “And bring it to you when it’s ready.”

Zoe liked that idea. That was easy to see.

It was also easy to see how relieved his parents looked about that plan.

Zoe nodded at the house. “I’ll go get my things.”

Their mother went to help her.

Their father stayed behind.

Connor pretended not to notice. He kept his head down while he went to clear off the passenger seat. 

It didn’t take him long. He only had to move the bag of Chinese food to the back.

“Do you have enough gas?” Larry asked.

Connor nodded.

“When was the last time you got the oil changed?”

Connor shrugged. “The light hasn’t come on.”

“You shouldn’t go by that.”

“Isn’t that what it’s for?”

Larry scoffed at the suggestion. 

Connor braced himself for a fight.

He allowed himself to look up when one didn’t come.

His father didn’t say another word. He didn’t offer any suggestions about driving on the ice or ask any questions that made Connor feel stupid. 

Like his father thought he was stupid.

He glanced at the house. He could see the blur that he assumed was Zoe running around the second floor.

He was starting to feel like they were never going to leave.

“What classes are you taking this semester?” Larry asked.

Connor blinked so hard his mind went blank. “Um.”

“You said you’re taking a math class?”

Connor nodded. 

He narrowed his eyes when his father started laughing. “It’s not funny.”

“I know it’s not. You get your math skills from me.”

Connor didn’t bother hiding his surprise. “So, it’s your fault then?”

“If there’s a genetic component to it, then yes, I’ll take the blame. I’m not sure that’s how these things work though.”

“I’ll ask Evan. He’ll know.”

“Maybe he can help you, make sure you pass.”

“Maybe,” Connor shrugged.

The front door swung open and Zoe came flying back out. She looked like she was out of breath when she reached the car. “Ready?”

“Where’s Mom?”

She nodded at the house. “Looking for my blue coat.”

“Should we wait?”

Zoe looked at him like he was crazy. “Do you want to leave or not?”

She had a point. This was their one chance for a clean getaway. 

Larry waved them on. “Go. I’ll tell her you had to leave.”

They didn’t need to be told twice.

Connor practically threw himself into the car. He reached into the back on a whim. He felt around the bag until his hand landed on a pack of eggrolls. 

He opened the window and handed them to his father. “Here. Contraband to keep you from starving.”

His father glanced around quickly before shoving the pack into his jacket.

Something about that made Connor smile.

Connor read the note twice before crumpling it up.

_I’m sorry. I suck._

Evan didn’t suck, but it was nice to know he was sorry.

Connor held the Cheetos out and laughed when Evan shouted his response.

Evan looked more amused than embarrassed when he gestured at his earbuds.

Connor dumped a few Cheetos on his desk anyway.

He didn’t mention the Chinese food.

Not that it would’ve mattered if he did.

Their roommates were in the process of destroying that. 

Connor had always loved snow days. 

Which wasn’t really a surprise because who didn’t love having an unexpected day off?

If he’d had his way, he would’ve stayed inside with a cup of hot chocolate and a book.

His roommates had other plans though. 

He had to admit the snowball fight was fun in a funny way. Seeing Cole go all Rambo on the guys down the hall was hilarious.

And kind of explained some things about his former roommate.

A few of them decided to go tray sledding after the fight finally died down.

That was even funnier than the snowball fight.

The hill they chose was so steep they reached the bottom in record time. Getting back up was a problem though. 

Connor wiped out every time he went down, but he didn’t mind. He wasn’t the only one.

They were all tired and sore and hungry when they made it back to the suite.

And, in Connor’s case, cranky.

Not because he’d messed up his hair on his last trip down the hill. No matter what Jared said, that wasn’t his problem.

He was cranky because the snow was melting, which meant that classes would almost definitely go on as scheduled the next day.

Which meant he really needed to finish his math homework.

It didn’t take him long to reach a pencil flinging level of frustration.

The sound of his pencil hitting the wall made Evan jump and sit up.

Because, of course, Evan was a responsible student who always worked ahead and could therefore spend his snow day playing on his phone while he lounged around.

They stared at each other for a moment before Evan got up and came over to his desk. 

“Your math homework?” Evan guessed.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“Which part’s tripping you up?”

Connor simply blinked.

“That bad?”

“I can count. Why isn’t that enough for you people?”

Evan raised his eyebrows. “Why are you lumping me in with the people trying to torture you with math?”

Connor made a face. “You want to do it for me?”

“You want me to help you cheat?”

“I’m not being graded on it. It’s supposed to help me prepare for the test next week.”

“The test which you’ll have to take by yourself without my help?”

“You want to take that for me too?”

Evan grabbed his notebook. “Okay, there. That’s your problem. That’s a 3, not a 5.”

Connor snatched it back. He tried adding the figures up again before checking the answer key. “It’s still not right.”

Evan sighed and pulled his chair over so he could sit down. “I think you’re doing it all wrong.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re doing it all wrong.” He poked at the sheet. “Do you get the concept at all?”

Connor shook his head. “I know. I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid!”

“This is why we were never in the same math class.”

Evan closed his eyes for a moment. “Okay, look, let’s go back to the beginning of the chapter. Can I see your book?”

Connor handed it over. “Why do I have to study math anyway? It has nothing to do with my major.”

“So you can be a well-rounded person when you leave here?”

Connor wagged his finger at him. “Don’t make me lump you in with the math torturers.”

“So you can rub your dad’s face in it when you get an A?”

“Now you’re talking.” Connor rubbed his hands together. “A B would be more realistic though, wouldn’t it?”

Evan nodded to himself as he traced his finger along the page. “Let’s aim for an A.”

Jared had been extra Jared ever since Valentine’s Day.

Meaning he’d been extra annoying, extra sarcastic, and extra intrusive. 

It was like he no longer knew how to knock.

Evan had given up reminding him to do that whenever he barged in.

Connor had not.

He didn’t know why he bothered though because his words always fell on deaf ears.

He surprised everyone, including himself, when he didn’t react to Jared’s latest invasion.

Jared eyed him warily as he continued to complain about his lack of a love life. 

Connor squeezed his eyes shut even though Jared never actually mentioned Zoe by name.

He’d finally, sort of learned that lesson.

“Now’s not a good time,” Evan whispered.

“What’s his problem?” Jared demanded.

Evan whispered something that Connor didn’t catch.

“You’d think he’d be happy I’ve given up on his sister!” Jared cried.

Connor spun around to glare at him. “You think you can do better than Zoe?”

Jared recoiled at his tone. “Not better. Not... I don’t think she wants anything to do with me now. It’s like she’s forgotten I exist.”

Connor snorted. 

Jared waved his phone. “I’m seriously thinking about trying the app.”

“What app?”

“The... I don’t know. An app. That mixer was a bust, so maybe...” Jared deflated a bit. “I’m going to go ask Kai for advice.”

“Good luck with that,” Connor called after him.

“I bet Kai gives good advice,” Evan said thoughtfully. He tilted his head at Connor. “Is this still about Matt?”

Connor started to spin back around, only to change his mind. He dug his feet into the carpet. “Is what about Matt?”

“I know it was weird for you to see him the other day.”

“Weird isn’t the word I would’ve chosen.”

Except it did apply to the situation. Connor wasn’t about to admit that though.

It had been weird running into Matt. Not in an unexpected way. He’d known Matt was in the play with Zoe. Seeing him at the rehearsal hadn’t been a surprise.

It had been weird seeing how casual he’d been about it though.

Like seeing Connor meant nothing to him. Like randomly running into the guys he’d slept with was part of his daily routine.

Which it probably was.

Connor hated to think about that.

It wasn’t Matt’s fault. He wasn’t a bad person. A bit self-centered, maybe, but then who wasn’t?

It was Connor’s problem, not his.

It was Connor’s problem because he didn’t know how to do these things.

“Do you ever feel like you missed a memo of some kind?”

Evan blinked at that. “A memo?”

Connor nodded.

“What kind of memo?”

Connor nodded at the door. “You think Kai gives good advice?”

Evan smiled knowingly. “You want to go eavesdrop?”

“Maybe we can ask him later.”

“What kind of advice do you want? If you’re wondering how to meet people and... and...” Evan snorted. “You know. If that’s your goal, Kai’s the one to ask. If you want a, uh, a boyfriend or something like... you know, then I’d go with Ryan.”

“If he’s even here.”

“That’s how you know it’ll work. If you listen to Ryan, you too can find someone to totally attach yourself to like some kind of parasite.”

Connor snapped his fingers. “Yes. That. That’s what I want.”

Evan let out a startled laugh. “Really?”

“No.” Connor chewed his lip. “I don’t know. I don’t want a parasitic relationship, but...” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I want.”

Evan lowered his eyes. “I don’t think there was a memo. If there was, I missed it too.”

“Maybe we should try Jared’s app.”

“Oh my God. No. Can you imagine?” Evan buried his face in his hands for a second. “That would be terrible. I couldn’t do that to someone.”

“Do what?”

“They’d, like, see my picture or whatever and think they were getting someone normal and then I’d show up and it’d all fall apart.”

Connor swallowed sharply. “Oh.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “You see what I mean? You see it too?”

“Not for you. You’d be fine. But me...”

“You’d be fine.”

He said it like it was a fact.

Which he clearly thought it was.

Connor spun around in his chair. “You can always ask Layla to set you up with someone.”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “Pass.”

“Ryan would tell them what to expect.”

“So they’d know going in that they weren’t getting someone normal?”

Connor shrugged. “So they’d come with a prepared list of topics.”

“We could spend the whole night talking about the weather!”

“And trees!”

They both chuckled at that.

Evan sighed. “At least Jared’s given up on Zoe. You’re happy about that, right?”

Connor picked at his nails. “Yeah. Let’s see how long that lasts.”


	17. Sophomore Year - March

The silence in the room was deafening.

It took a minute for it spread and then it was overwhelming. It overpowered everyone in the club. No one could speak or move or breathe.

It was the worst case of stage fright Connor had ever seen.

Not that he’d seen that many. It wasn’t like he was in the habit of going to things like this.

But still.

It was even worse than watching Evan attempt to give a speech on the French Revolution.

Connor’s eyes automatically darted to his left before he remembered that Evan had left to finish his lab report.

He took another sip of his beer and tried to look anywhere but at the stage.

And at Matt, who was alternating between gazing at the stage in awe and trying to catch Connor’s eye.

“That’s brilliant,” Matt whispered. He leapt to his feet and started to clap.

The sound made the people around them jump.

“He isn’t doing anything because he wishes he’d never been born,” Matt explained. He lifted his bottle to salute the guy on stage.

The guy let out a relieved chuckle. “Shit. I was getting worried. I’m glad someone gets it.”

The emcee rolled his eyes and ushered the guy off the stage.

A smattering of laughter accompanied his departure. 

The laughter was quickly drowned out by the catcalls from the guy’s friends.

Matt joined in, even though he didn’t know the guy. He was still grinning when he turned back around. “I wish I’d thought of that. I didn’t have time to put something together for tonight.”

He drummed his fingers on the table and stared at the stage. “It’s for the best, I guess. I couldn’t decide which year I wish I’d been born.” 

Connor downed the rest of his beer. He turned the bottle around in his hand when he was done.

He didn’t know what to say to Matt. He didn’t want to know what to say to Matt.

He’d come to the karaoke night to support Zoe, not to see his ex.

Except was Matt really his ex? He knew he saw him that way. He wasn’t sure if Matt felt the same. 

It was obvious Matt wasn’t looking for anything serious. He’d probably never been looking for anything serious.

Not that Connor had really thought what they’d had was all that serious. 

It was obvious he’d taken it more seriously than Matt had though.

He took a sip from his empty bottle.

“What about you?” Matt asked. “What year would you have picked if you’d gone up there?”

“You couldn’t have paid me to go up there.”

“Really?” Matt grinned. “You aren’t a closet-”

“What would you have done?” Zoe demanded in a voice that was so loud it made the people behind them turn to look. She raised her eyebrows at Jared until he realized she was still talking to him.

He blinked at her like he didn’t understand the question.

Which he probably didn’t because, as far as Connor could tell, they’d been in the middle of a conversation about their school’s cereal selection.

Jared tilted his head at her. “Um. What?”

Zoe turned so she was facing Connor and Matt. “What would you have performed tonight?”

“Oh,” Jared muttered. “I, uh...”

Connor jumped when Matt’s hand brushed against his.

“You want to get out of here?”

His voice was so low it took Connor a second to hear him.

Zoe didn’t have that problem. Her face lip up excitedly. “Where are we going?”

Matt chuckled awkwardly. “Actually, I was talking to-”

Zoe poked Jared’s arm. “What was the name of that place you were talking about?”

“Place?” Jared frowned. “What place?”

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “The place. The one on... You know. You were just telling me about it.”

Jared clearly had no idea what she was going on about.

Connor did though.

She was doing everything in her power to keep him from being alone with Matt.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He didn’t particularly like the idea of being alone with Matt, but he didn’t want the decision to be made for him.

Zoe glanced at Matt expectantly. “So.”

Matt sighed and nodded at the bar. “I’m getting another drink. You want one?”

He grinned when Jared answered for all of them. “Four beers coming up.”

Connor rested his head on his arms and stared blankly at the stage.

His head felt heavy and dizzy and floaty in a way that made him feel like he was in danger of floating away.

He wanted to leave.

So did Matt.

He made the offer again. 

Connor nodded and stood up.

He didn’t say a word. He didn’t want to do anything that would make Zoe focus on him again.

They didn’t go very far.

As soon as they stepped outside, Matt got straight to the point and asked if Connor wanted to come back to his place. He looked surprised when Connor said no, but he didn’t put up a fight.

They ended up at a coffee shop a few streets over.

It was full of college students. Matt immediately saw three people he knew.

Connor hung back while he talked to them. It was enough to make him question his sanity and wonder what he was doing there.

And then it came back to him.

Watching Matt in action reminded him why he’d liked him in the first place.

He’d liked his smile and his charisma and his hands.

His hands.

Connor couldn’t stop watching his hands.

He shook his head when Matt noticed that. 

He shook his head to clear it and to remind himself that going back to Matt’s place would be a mistake.

A huge mistake. One he really didn’t feel like making again.

They sat down after they got their drinks. Connor ordered a decaf because he didn’t feel like staying up all night.

He sipped it while he listened to Matt go on about the play and his thesis and how excited he was to be graduating. 

Connor hardly said a word.

He didn’t need to say a word. Matt said enough for both of them.

And not because he was nervous. He definitely wasn’t rambling about his thesis to fill the silence or silence his nerves.

He talked because he liked to talk. Because he liked to hear himself talk. Because he thought he had a lot to say.

Which he did, so that was fair.

None of it was particularly interesting though.

Listening to him talk cemented something for Connor.

He was over it. He was so over Matt it wasn’t even funny. 

He wasn’t interested in him or anything he had to say.

Even his hands weren’t enough to change that.

Connor wasn’t sure what time it was when he got in. It was one of those nights where he’d lost all sense of time.

He rubbed his eyes and yawned and stretched while he debated if he should eat something before he went to bed.

He froze when he heard them.

He really froze when he realized what they were discussing.

And then he crept forward so he could hear better.

“What’s going on?”

There was an edge to Jared’s tone that made Connor’s spine stiffen.

“That guy-”

“Matt!” Jared exclaimed.

“He and Connor... Something happened with them last semester and...”

There was a pause like Evan was debating how much he should share.

Or like he was struggling to breathe.

Connor wasn’t sure which was worse.

“It’s just... Okay, so Connor makes terrible decisions sometimes. Like some of his decisions are just... They’re crap. He does things because he wants to. Because he wants to while it’s happening and he doesn’t think about the consequences or how he’ll feel later. He just... He’s impulsive and reckless and-”

Connor couldn’t stay put anymore. He pushed the door open. “He needs other people to tell him what to do?”

Under different circumstances, the matching looks of horror that crossed his friends’ faces would have been satisfying.

As it was, Connor was too upset, too hurt and disappointed, to be amused. 

He folded his arms across his chest. “Is that what you think?”

“I-”

The word came out as a squeak.

Evan was clearly on the verge of a breakdown of some kind.

Connor really couldn’t bring himself to care though. “That’s what you think? You think I-”

He lost his train of thought when Jared started laughing hysterically.

Jared stumbled across the room and clapped him on the arm. “Hey, uh, since this just took a turn for the awkward, I’m planning to ask your sister out.”

Jared nodded to himself. “Okay, bye...”

Connor didn’t watch him go.

He didn’t so much as crack a smile when he heard Jared walk into something in the hall.

He kept his focus on Evan.

Evan kept his focus on his report. “I have to...”

Connor snatched a pillow off his bed. “I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight.”

He didn’t wait for a response.

He turned on his heel and left.

He didn’t sleep well. 

He barely slept at all.

It was hard to sleep when he was literally in the middle of everything.

He’d never realized how much action there was in the suite in the middle of the night.

Chris and Seth emerged several times to see their guests out. Ryan had made the mistake of chugging an entire soda before bed. Cole kept getting snacks so he could fall back to sleep. Jared spent half the night running to the bathroom to throw up.

That would’ve been satisfying if Connor hadn’t felt like he was one stomach twist away from joining him.

Evan didn’t appear at all.

Neither did Kai until it was time for his morning run.

The sound of Kai stretching and grunting in front of him was what finally made Connor decide to get up.

Kai looked surprised to see him. His surprise quickly changed to excitement. “You want to come with me?”

That was the last thing Connor wanted.

Kai snorted when he saw that. “Not a runner?”

“Not a runner,” Connor confirmed. He checked the time. It was barely after six. 

“The campus is peaceful this time of the day.”

Connor nodded sleepily. “I bet.”

Kai paused in mid-stretch to study him. “What are you doing out here?”

That was a fair question.

One that Connor didn’t really feel like answering.

“Evan needed quiet to finish his report?” Kai guessed.

Connor didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no either.

“Ryan told me he liked things to be silent when he’s working.”

“Yeah.” Connor closed his eyes and smothered a yawn.

Kai pointed at the door. “Okay. I’m just going to...”

He frowned when he saw the way Connor was watching him.

Connor quickly looked away. 

A plan started forming in his head.

He really didn’t feel like being around Evan and he had a feeling Evan didn’t feel like being around him.

He decided to enlist Kai to help with that.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” Connor admitted. “Evan’s been grinding his teeth a lot and the sound was keeping me up.”

Kai smiled sympathetically. “Ryan talks in his sleep sometimes.”

“Evan does that too.” Connor closed his eyes for a moment. “I have a big presentation on Friday and I don’t know how I’m going to...”

He chanced a glance in Kai’s direction.

Kai nodded like he understood. “Do you want to switch rooms for a couple nights?”

Connor blinked like he hadn’t thought of that. “Really?”

“Sure,” Kai shrugged. “Ryan won’t mind. He’s used to Evan.”

Connor nodded gratefully. “Yeah. That could work. You don’t grind your teeth, do you?”

“No one’s told me if I do.” Kai pointed at the door. “You sure you don’t want to...”

He grinned at Connor’s expression. “Maybe tomorrow then.”

He was gone before Connor could tell him there wasn’t a chance that was happening.

Rooming with Kai solved one problem for Connor.

Knowing Evan’s schedule solved the rest.

It was easy to avoid someone when they were predictable. 

He knew he couldn’t avoid Evan forever.

He didn’t want to avoid Evan forever.

He really didn’t want to end up in another cold war with his so-called best friend.

He just needed some space.

He needed some time for the things he’d heard Evan say to stop stinging quite so much.

Sharing a room with Kai was definitely a different experience for Connor. 

Which wasn’t really a surprise since he didn’t know Kai very well and what little he did know told him that Kai was nothing like Cole or Evan or himself.

Kai was kind of a slob. None of his things seemed to have a proper place. 

He was constantly on the move. Connor really didn’t understand where he got his energy from.

And he had two modes. He was either silent or chatty. There was no in between.

He was like Evan in that sense, but it was a different kind of chatty. And a different, more intense kind of silent.

He liked to talk before he went to bed. It didn’t take Connor long to learn that was a routine of his. 

Kai liked to talk until he fell asleep, sometimes in mid-sentence.

It didn’t seem to matter what they talked about.

The first two nights, they discussed their classes and Netflix and the weird green Tupperware everyone claimed wasn’t theirs.

On the third night, Kai wanted to discuss their love lives.

“You’re bi, aren’t you?”

The question caught Connor off-guard because they’d been in the middle of discussing their plans for spring break. 

His eyes widened when he rolled over to face Kai. “Uh...”

Kai gave him a quick smile. “That wasn’t meant to be a brain stumper.”

“It wasn’t. There just isn’t an easy answer.”

Kai nodded like that made sense. “But you’ve been with both, right?”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged.

“What’s that like?”

Connor let out a startled laugh. “Uh...”

“You can tell me to shut up if you want. Ryan does all the time.”

“I’m not really sure what you’re getting at.”

“I don’t know what I’m getting at,” Kai admitted. “I guess...”

He puffed his cheeks out for a second. “There was this guy the other day. I ran against him in the last leg of my race and I keep thinking about his legs.”

“His legs?”

“Yeah,” Kai shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just a thought.”

“You wanted to do something with his legs?”

“Like what? Eat them?” Kai grinned. “I think I might be what’s the word? Bi-curious?”

Connor shrugged. “Okay.”

“Yeah.” Kai tapped his chin. “I think spring break will be fun this year.”

Connor snorted because he was sure it would be.

For Kai at least.

For Kai who was going to Jamaica with the track team.

Not for him because he was going home.

He made a point of being nice when he got home.

Nice and helpful and polite.

He was careful not to do anything that would set off any alarm bells in anyone’s head.

Which ended up setting off every alarm bell his family had.

His parents tiptoed around him. Zoe did not.

She asked him what was wrong every time their paths crossed.

She kept asking, even though he didn’t answer.

Connor froze when he heard the music playing in the living room.

His mother was watching their soap.

She’d just finished watching their soap from the sound of it. That was the music they played over the credits.

She was dabbing at her eyes when he poked his head in the room. She smiled when their eyes met. “You just missed it.”

Connor nodded slightly. “That’s okay. I’m so far behind I don’t even know when I last...”

He shrugged. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d watched the show. It didn’t feel right to watch it without Evan and their schedules hadn’t been coordinating lately.

And then there was the whole thing where Evan thought his decision-making skills were crap.

He hadn’t spoken to Evan in a week. Not in person, not on the phone, not via text.

He was as not okay with that as he could be.

His mother picked up on that right away. She didn’t know what was bothering him, but he knew she knew something was wrong.

She patted the spot next to her. “I have at least twenty episodes saved on the DVR.”

Connor nodded and sat down. He stared blankly at the tv as she put one on. “I’ve seen this one.”

She nodded and went to the next one. 

It took her three tries to find one Connor didn’t think he’d seen.

She smiled when she saw she’d struck gold. “This is a good one. I won’t spoil it for you, but I cried for over an hour.”

Connor wasn’t in the mood to cry.

Or maybe he was.

Maybe crying would release the emotions that were building up in him before they made him explode. 

His mother stretched her arm out so he could curl up with her, like he did when he was having a bad day as a child.

That wasn’t lost on him.

He did it anyway.

They watched the show in silence. 

That was a surprise because he’d been expecting an interrogation. A subtle, softly-worded interrogation, but an interrogation nonetheless.

She didn’t even say anything when Jeffrey’s resurrection made him tear up.

Connor lifted his head to see why. He snorted when he saw she was crying too.

She ruffled his hair. “Told you.”

Connor blinked at the screen. “Yeah.”

He went to Evan’s birthday party because not going would’ve turned their cold war into an actual war. 

And because it gave him excuse to get out of the house. 

An excuse that included cake.

That was the biggest selling point.

That and the possibility of fixing things with his best friend. He had to admit he wanted to do that.

There was a difference between wanting to fix things and actually fixing them though.

In other words, he didn’t seek Evan out the second he got there. He wandered around and said hello to everyone else.

Which didn’t take long because there weren’t many guests.

He wished Jared a happy birthday and ignored how smug Jared looked when he didn’t turn around to wish Evan one too. 

He went outside when it became clear that Zoe was trying to corner him again. 

Of course, doing that made it easy for her to pin him down since there was nowhere for him to run.

She wanted to talk about Matt.

Because she thought that was the problem. Not the fact that his best friend thought he was impulsive and reckless and incapable of doing the right thing.

She thought the whole thing was her fault because she’d introduced him to Matt.

She thought Matt was terrible. 

Which he kind of was, but not for the reasons she thought.

And she wanted to try again.

With someone else. Not with Matt.

Connor put his foot down there. 

He tried to put his foot down until Evan came along and screwed everything up.

It would’ve been funny if it weren’t so annoying.

Zoe obviously thought the idea of them setting each other up on blind dates was hilarious. She looked like she could barely contain herself as she scurried back into the house.

Connor glared at Evan the second she was gone. “What did you-”

Evan hung his head. “I know.”

Connor closed his eyes. “If it wasn’t your birthday...”

“Technically, it’s Jared’s birthday. My birthday isn’t until tomorrow, so feel free to, uh...”

Connor snorted. And then he laughed. A full laugh. A long laugh.

It felt good to laugh. 

It felt even better when Evan started laughing too.

Laughing with Evan didn’t magically fix things.

It helped. Connor had to admit it helped.

It didn’t make everything better though.

It felt like they’d slapped a band-aid on the wound.

Zoe refused to let them off the hook. 

Connor probably could’ve tried harder to make her drop the idea, but he gave up when he realized he had someone he could set Evan up with.

Someone he liked.

Someone Evan would be terrified of.

Someone who would never actually consider going out with Evan, no matter how well the date went. 

That sounded like a good idea for reasons Connor couldn’t seem to pinpoint.

Alana said yes because she was the kind of person who was game for anything.

And because Connor failed to mention that it was a date.

He just asked if she wanted to meet a few people for dinner at Louie’s. She said yes right away.

Connor wasn’t surprised when she got there first. She smiled and hugged him and immediately started telling him all about everything she’d done since they’d last seen each other.

She’d been busy. That was for certain. So busy that she made Connor feel like a lazy bum. 

She went over it again when Evan arrived. Not in as many details, but it was still enough to make Evan’s head spin.

He did not look amused by Connor’s choice for him.

At least he had a date. Connor wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that Evan hadn’t brought anyone for him.

Who was he kidding?

He was happy and relieved and only vaguely insulted.

That feeling passed when the girl Evan had found for him showed up and had a rom-com moment with Alana.

It was like time stood still and everyone else in the diner was just an extra in the love story of Alana and the-girl-who-obviously-wanted-nothing-to-do-with-Connor.

Which was fine.

Connor was totally fine with that. He was happy for the girls.

Zoe was happy too.

Not for the same reason he was though.

She found the whole thing hilarious because the girl Evan had ambushed in the grocery store had been friends with Alana in high school.

Apparently, there was a whole story there.

Connor didn’t really care enough to ask.

He just wanted to make sure Zoe understood the experiment had been a failure. One they were not going to repeat.

She decided to let it go, but not before saying she was worried about Connor.

Connor was silent for a moment after she left. He kept his eyes on his hands when he spoke again. “She’s worried that the thing with Matt is a sign I’m going to start making crappy decisions again.”

Evan cringed at that. “Have I said I’m sorry? Because I am. I’m sorry I... I shouldn’t have said...”

“No,” Connor agreed. “You shouldn’t have. Especially not to Jared.”

Evan nodded numbly. He looked like he wanted to hang his head in shame.

“How would you feel if you heard me say you-”

“Don’t,” Evan said sharply. “I... Whatever you’re going to say, I know. Trust me. I know.”

Connor drummed his fingers on the table. He didn’t say a word. He knew there was nothing he could say that was worse than the things going through Evan’s head.

He also knew how much it sucked to hear those things from someone whose opinion mattered to you.

Evan chewed his lip. “I was worried.”

Connor scoffed at that. “There seems to be a lot of that going around.”

“Can you blame us?” Evan blurted out. “I mean-”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“Whatever you were going to say before, say it. Then we’ll be even.”

“That won’t make us even. This isn’t something that can be made even.”

His shoulders slumped when he realized that was true. Telling Evan the things he didn’t want to hear wouldn’t make everything better. 

It would make Connor feel better for about two seconds before the guilt kicked in. 

It would make Evan feel awful.

The kind of awful they might never be able to recover from.

Evan’s mouth opened and closed several times. “Then what-”

“Just...” Connor shook his head. He tried to think of a solution. “If you have a problem with something I’m doing, if it’s causing you to worry, come to me about it first.”

“What if you’re not around? You weren’t around that night.”

“Did you try calling me? Texting? Sending up a smoke signal?”

Evan stared at his hands.

“That’s what I thought.”

“I was freaking out about my lab report. That’s not an excuse, but...” Evan closed his eyes. “I promise I’ll yell at you directly the next time you do something that has me on edge.”

“That’s all I ask.” Connor took a breath. It felt like the wound was closing. Not closed, but on its way. 

He snorted when something crossed his mind. “We should start a matchmaking service.”

“A what?” Evan laughed.

“We already have our gimmick. Go out with the two of us and you’ll be so repulsed you’ll fall for someone else right away.”

“Speak for yourself. My date didn’t know she was on a date.”

Connor stared at him in amazement. “She was also very, very gay.”

“Another point in my favor,” Evan nodded. “Do you think they’re actually... I mean, do you think they-”

“Did you see the way they were looking at each other?”

Evan smiled slightly. “Maybe we did a good thing after all.”

“Maybe we did,” Connor agreed.


	18. Sophomore Year - April and May

Connor rolled his sleeves up as far as they would go. It didn’t help. He still felt like he was being cooked alive.

Evan’s face scrunched up like he was trying not to laugh. “I told you you didn’t need a sweatshirt.”

“It’s colder inside.”

“Colder, not cold. It isn’t sweatshirt weather in there either.”

Connor made a face. “You said it was going to be colder today.”

“When did I say that?”

“This morning. You said the pressure was dropping and the winds were shifting and-”

“I said that?”

“You tell me the weather every day.”

Evan blinked like that was news to him. “I do not.”

“You do so,” Connor laughed. “I haven’t had to check the weather app on my phone all year.”

Evan was silent for a moment. “I like to be prepared.”

“I know you do.”

“And knowing how to dress is one of the ways I prepare.”

Connor tugged at his sleeves again.

“Are you wearing anything underneath?”

Connor tilted his head. “What?”

Evan leaned back to squint at the sun. “Under your hoodie. Are you... Do you have a t-shirt on underneath?”

Connor pulled his shirt out to check.

Evan snorted at that. “You don’t remember?”

Connor shrugged and pulled the hoodie off. 

“You remember what I said about the weird pressure system that’s heading this way, but you don’t remember putting on a t-shirt?”

“I was half-asleep when I got dressed.”

“You were half-asleep when I was yammering on about the weather.”

Connor shrugged because he really didn’t know what Evan expected him to say to that.

He absentmindedly drummed his fingers along the spine of his book. “I thought we came out here to study.”

Evan stretched his arms out in front of him. “It’s a nice day. I came out here to get some air.” 

He breathed in deeply to emphasize his point.

There seemed to be a lot of that going around.

The lawn was filled with students and blankets and books, but very few of the books were actually open.

Most people looked like they were working on their tans.

Or going down for a nap.

The couple in front of them looked like they were sound asleep. Which made sense after the workout they’d had. Connor didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone make out that vigorously before. 

There was a lot of that going around too. 

He smiled when he spotted Mel and Aimee sitting three blankets down from them. 

They were feeding each other grapes. 

It was sickeningly adorable, with an emphasis on the adorable.

Mel shrieked when Aimee suddenly started pelting her with grapes. And just like that, their nice, calm, leisurely moment turned into a food fight before evolving into a make out session that rivaled the nappers. 

“Skittle?”

Connor blinked when he sensed Evan shifting around next to him. He tore his eyes away from Mel and Aimee.

Evan snorted at his expression. “I’m not going to throw them at you.”

Connor rolled his eyes and held his hand out. 

He swallowed all of the Skittles at once before turning his sweatshirt into a pillow and lying down. 

Evan did the same, except he jumped like he’d landed on a rock. 

Or a root, as it turned out. 

Connor couldn’t help smirking as he watched Evan feel around for a soft spot. “You should’ve worn a jacket.”

“Ha ha,” Evan monotoned. He puffed his cheeks out like he was on the verge of giving up.

Connor stretched his shirt out and scooted over to make room. “Here.”

Evan hesitated a moment before flopping back down. “Thank you.”

Connor tilted his head back to respond and...

He froze.

He hadn’t realized how close they were. 

He hadn’t realized their heads were actually touching.

He knew he should move, but moving would draw attention to that fact. And it might insult Evan if he’d noticed.

He stayed where he was.

He cleared his throat and opened his book. “You’re welcome.”

Connor almost fell off the stool when Evan leaned forward. He glanced over his shoulder to see if they were on the move.

“Leg cramp,” Evan explained.

Connor nodded knowingly. He was surprised he didn’t have one too. It felt like they’d been stuck there for hours.

He checked the time.

It had been ten minutes, give or take.

The shouting had finally died down, but it didn’t seem like the Spider War was anywhere near ending. 

There definitely wasn’t a general consensus about what the spider’s fate should be.

Evan pointed at the wall “You guys know he’s up in the corner now, don’t you?”

Connor snorted. He was the only one who did. Everyone else was too busy trying to decide if they should flush the spider or set him free.

“If we kill him, his babies might eat us while we sleep.”

“If we put him outside, he might come back with his friends.”

The door to the suite swung open.

They all blinked at each other because no one had heard Layla knocking.

She shook her head as she tried to figure out what she was seeing.

Connor couldn’t blame her. He’d be confused too if he walked in on his boyfriend and his roommates squatting on every piece of furniture they owned.

“The floor’s lava!” Jared cried.

Layla shook her head again. She spun around to face Ryan. “Uh...”

“Don’t come any closer,” Ryan warned. “Or you’ll melt.”

“I’ll melt?” Layla laughed. She sighed when Ryan didn’t show any signs of movement. “I thought we were going to the movies.”

Ryan’s eyes widened. “Oh. Right. I forgot.”

Kai put his hand on Ryan’s arm when he started to get down. “You need a raft to cross the river.”

Ryan glanced at Seth and Chris. “Can you toss me a cushion?”

Layla threw her hands up in surrender. “Carry on. I’ll see if Mel wants to go.”

No one budged until the door clicked shut behind her.

And then the battle resumed. 

It was even more confusing than it was before.

Connor couldn’t even remember which side he was supposed to be on. Was he trying to get to the window without touching the floor or the bathroom?

He had no idea. 

Evan tentatively stretched his leg towards the couch. “I need to move. My foot’s falling asleep.”

Connor let him go first because that was the one thing he knew for certain. 

He was on Evan’s side.

Whichever one that was.

Somewhere above their heads, the spider started spinning its web.

Zoe twirled the flowers around in her hands in a way that made Connor think she wasn’t about to make a run for it.

That was a surprise because their parents were gone and the sun was still up and he was sure she had better things to do than talk to him.

She chewed her lip like she was on the verge of saying something, but wasn’t sure how to say it.

Or if she wanted to say it in front of an audience.

Evan picked up on that and started to go inside.

“Wait!” Zoe cried. She giggled when she heard herself. “Do you think it’s okay if I... Can I come up for a minute?”

Connor spun around to catch Evan’s eye because there was obviously something he was missing.

“Jared’s up there,” Evan said.

Zoe nodded rapidly. “I know. I should... You said the flowers were from both of you?”

Evan scratched his neck and gave a slight nod.

“I should thank him too.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

There was an edge to Evan’s tone that caught all three of them by surprise.

He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled deeply. “He saw you, you know.”

“He saw me?”

“With that guy. After the show. That’s why he left. Because he got you flowers and you were holding hands with-”

Zoe jabbed a finger in Evan’s direction. “Oh, no. We’re not doing this. You’re not making me feel bad about going out with Wyatt. Jared and I aren’t... We were never together. We hung out a few times last semester and fooled around a bit on New Year’s Eve and that was it.”

She bit her lip again. “He didn’t think we were a thing, did he?”

She sighed when Evan wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Thank him for me, okay?”

She handed each of them a rose as she went by. “And thanks for coming. I know it wasn’t really your kind of thing.”

That had been aimed at him. Connor would’ve known that even if she hadn’t looked right at him while she’d said it.

“It wasn’t bad,” Connor admitted. “Except that one song’s stuck in my head now.”

“Which one?” 

Connor hummed a few bars of ‘Omigod You Guys.’

Zoe smiled knowingly. “You think that’s bad? Try rehearsing it every day for a month.”

Connor wrinkled his nose.

“_Omigod, omigod, you guys, looks like Elle's gonna win the prize._”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “People are staring.”

“_If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies. Omigod, you guys!_”

“Are you done?”

Zoe grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

And then she struck a pose. “_Keep it positive! Let our your inner freak!_"

Connor rolled his eyes. “That wasn’t even your line.”

Zoe’s grin widened. “You were actually paying attention?”

Connor resisted the urge to sigh. He knew what she was after. “You did a good job today.”

“I did?”

Connor nodded. “You were a very convincing sorority girl.” 

Zoe smiled and handed him another rose. 

The living room was dark when Connor got up. He felt his way around the couch until his hand landed on something that wasn’t covered in fabric.

He jumped and blinked as his eyes struggled to adjust to the dark.

He heard Jared before he could see him.

“That was my face.”

“Sorry.”

“You grabbed my face.”

“I said I’m sorry.” Connor sighed and plopped down next to him. All thoughts about getting a glass of water vanished from his head. “At least it wasn’t your-”

“Dick,” Jared finished. “Thank God for that.”

“I was going to say hair.”

“Sure, you were.”

“Why are you up?”

“Why are you up?” Jared countered. He sighed when Connor didn’t look away. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Connor pointed at himself. “Needed water.”

“Have you ever heard of these amazing things called water bottles? You can get them at the store and use them to transport water so you don’t have to-”

“I ran out.”

Jared hummed at that.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

“Because of my inner turmoil.” 

“You have inner turmoil?”

“I have layers!” Jared huffed. “Like Shrek.”

“I can see the resemblance.”

Jared let out an excessively loud laugh. “You’re hilarious.”

Connor stared at his hands as they twitched around in his lap. “What’s causing your inner turmoil tonight?”

Jared pressed his lips together. “I don’t know if I should say.”

“Zoe?” Connor guessed.

Jared twisted around to face him. “Is it that obvious?”

Connor simply shrugged.

Jared puffed his cheeks out and exhaled slowly. “I like her.”

“I know,” Connor nodded.

“You know?”

“You told me you were planning to ask her out.” He chuckled quietly. “I also heard you on New Year’s.”

Jared buried his head in his hands. “That is so messed up.”

“You’re telling me. How’d you feel if you-”

Jared stared at the ceiling. “I will die if I ever hear Henry...”

He shuddered at the thought.

Connor leaned back to check the time. He couldn’t see the clock Cole had hung up from where he was sitting.

“Are they serious?”

“Who?” Connor blinked.

“Zoe and what’s-his-name?”

“I have no idea.”

“None?”

“None,” Connor confirmed.

“I bet they are. He looks like the kind of guy who’s smart enough to lock that down.” Jared squeezed his knees and blinked at the floor. “Have you ever...”

Connor frowned when he didn’t go on. “Have I ever what?”

“Gone through this?”

“She’s my sister!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Not with Zoe. In general. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t stand a chance with? Because my sympathies if you have. This whole unrequited thing sucks.”

Connor stared at his hands.

He didn’t know what Jared was going through. Not personally at least. He’d never really done the whole unrequited thing. 

The thing with Matt was as close as he’d gotten and he knew that wasn’t the same.

Not even close.

He raised an eyebrow when he saw that Jared was interpreting his silence as something else.

“You have?” Jared grinned. “With who?”

His mouth twisted to the side. “Whom? With whom? You’re an English major. Which is it?”

Connor chose to ignore the question. 

Both questions.

“Is it someone you’re friends with?”

“Yes,” Connor deadpanned. “It’s you.”

Jared’s grin wavered for a second. “We’re friends?”

Connor shrugged. “Kind of. I guess?”

Jared deflated at that. “Well, now I feel like I can’t mock you anymore.”

Connor waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t stop on my account.”

Jared gave him a look that was far too commiserative for Connor’s liking. “It sucks, doesn’t it? The unrequited thing.”

Connor opened his mouth to correct him, to say they weren’t in the same boat at all.

Something about Jared’s expression, about how nervous and hopeful it was, made him keep his mouth shut.

He decided not to read into it when he gave a slight nod.

Evan shook the bag and sat up. “We’re out of popcorn.”

Connor sat up too. “Again?” 

Evan held it out for him to see.

“That’s three bags.”

“We’re on our sixth episode.”

Connor nodded because they were. 

He didn’t even want to know what time it was.

“It’s the weekend,” Evan said like he was reading his mind. “We don’t have to get up early.”

He tilted his head uncertainly. “I don’t anyway.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “Me too. Do you want to make another bag?”

“Four bags might be too much. What else do you have?”

“What do I have? What do you have?”

Evan gestured at his snack bin. “I’m out of everything.”

“So, you’re mooching off of me now? That’s how this works?”

Evan nodded firmly. “What do you have?”

Connor scooted over to check. “Gummy bears?”

“Yes!” Evan clapped his hands. “Why do you have gummy bears?”

“Why are you questioning the hand that feeds you?”

“Good point,” Evan nodded. He held his hand out to accept a few bears.

“Why are you so hungry?”

“I barely ate anything tonight.”

“The food at Flora was that bad?”

Evan swallowed visibly. “I couldn’t make myself eat.”

“Why? Were you that nervous?

“Kind of. I ate the quesadilla and then...” He shrugged. “I ended up bringing my entrée home. I started freaking out about what would happen if it didn’t agree with me.”

He jabbed his finger in Connor’s direction. “Which is your fault, actually.”

“How is that my fault?”

“Because you’re the one who told me they all thought the quesadilla gave me diarrhea.”

Connor snorted at that. “What else would they be thinking? You hid in the bathroom for who knows how long.”

“Five minutes. Maybe ten.”

“My point still stands.”

“I never want to do that ever again.”

“Hide in the bathroom?”

“Go on a date.”

“With Autumn or in general?”

“Both,” Evan sighed. “I don’t know. It was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever done and that’s saying something.”

“You said it got better as the night went on.”

Evan made a face. “I guess. I don’t know.”

He pointed at the screen. “Are we watching another episode?”

Connor checked the time. It was after four. 

Evan sighed when he saw that too. 

And then he yawned. 

Which made Connor yawn too. “We should go to bed.”

Evan nodded sleepily. “Can I keep the gummy bears?”

“Won’t they get stuck in your night guard?”

“Probably.”

“You can have them after breakfast.”

“You mean for breakfast,” Evan corrected.

“Okay.”

Evan yawned and stretched as he pulled himself off the floor. “Okay.”

Connor squeezed the sides of his notebook and refused to look away. “But you helped Seth and Chris.”

Evan folded his arms across his chest. “I didn’t take their exams for them!”

“But you helped them. Why won’t you help me?”

“Because I’ll be tempted to redo all your work when I see what you’ve come up with.”

“So, I should fail my math exam because you can’t control yourself?”

“Or you could, you know, try.”

“I am trying. I’ve been trying. Will you at least check it and tell me if I’m trying in the right direction?”

Evan pursed his lips. “What were the rules again?”

“It’s a take home test. There aren’t any rules.”

“There have to be some rules.”

“There are, like, two hundred people in my class. We’re just supposed to come up with the right answer any way we can, short of hacking into the professor’s laptop and stealing the answer key.”

“She’s not even checking your work?”

Connor shrugged.

She probably was. Or her TA was, rather.

He wasn’t about to tell Evan that though.

Evan reluctantly accepted his notebook. His eyes widened immediately.

“That bad?” Connor cringed.

Evan shook his head. “You got the first one right.”

“Really?”

He tapped his fingers together and tried not to look too impatient while he waited for Evan to finish checking.

It took all of his willpower not to scoot over so he could see what Evan was punching in his calculator.

Evan smiled when he was done. “You might want to recheck number five, but other than that...”

“They’re all right?”

“You still have fifteen problems to finish.”

“I know, but the ones I’ve done are right?”

Evan nodded. “Except for five.”

Connor felt like he could fall off his chair. “It’s because of all the help you’ve given me this semester.”

Evan scoffed at that. “You can try all you want, but I’m not finishing your exam for you.”

“I’m serious. You explained everything in a way that actually made sense.”

Evan stared at him for a beat before handing back the exam. “I’ll check the rest when you’re done.”

He sighed like he couldn’t believe what he was about to say. “And... And the next couple problems look pretty tricky, so...”

Connor’s face lit up. “You’ll-”

“I’m not doing them for you!” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. “I will help you if you get stuck though.”

Connor pointed at the paper. “I don’t even understand what this says.”

Evan rubbed his forehead. “You have to actually try first!”

Connor gave him a quick salute and turned around to do just that.

Evan shook his head at his phone. “I can’t believe the dining hall’s closed now.”

“The semester’s over,” Connor reminded him.

“I know, but what are people like me to supposed to do when we want ice cream? All the hours are messed up.”

“What time’s dinner?”

“Early. They stop serving at seven.”

“That is early.” He grinned when Evan continued to frown. “That’ll give you plenty of time to get ready for Copper City.”

Evan glanced up quickly. “Yeah, about that...”

Connor wagged a finger at him. “You’re going.”

“I don’t want to stay out late. I might have to report to the lab tomorrow.”

“Drive yourself then,” Connor shrugged.

Evan bit his lip. “I won’t know anyone. You know how I get when I don’t know anyone.”

“You’ll know Kai.”

“Kai,” Evan snorted. “Right. Because that’ll make me feel totally at ease.”

“Because he knows you think he’s hot?” Connor teased.

Evan froze in his tracks. “You think he heard that part?”

Connor simply blinked.

Evan tugged at his hair. “I didn’t... I didn’t think he’d been standing there that long. Do you think he heard what I said about his body?”

“He was flattered if he did.”

“I hate that you’re so calm about all this.”

Connor smiled serenely. “I’m not the one stuck on campus with him all summer.”

Evan’s hands twitched at his sides. “I wish you were.”

“You wish I was stuck here with Kai?”

“And me,” Evan squeaked. “And everyone else who’s crazy enough to spend their summer here.”

“You’re not crazy. It’s not crazy to accept an internship that will help you get a job.”

“I guess,” Evan muttered. He shoved his hands in his pockets when they reached a fork in the road. “I guess this is it then.”

“You’re trying to get rid of me again?”

“The dining hall’s closed and I live that way.” Evan jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “And your car’s down there.”

He had a point.

Connor knew he couldn’t prolong the inevitable forever. He had to leave. He had to go home and pack for Jamie’s.

He took a moment to look around. “It’s so quiet here now.”

“I know,” Evan nodded. “It’s going to be weird this summer.”

“Because of the quiet?”

Evan nodded slightly. “And you’ll be gone. All of you. Except for Kai.”

He added that last part like it was an afterthought. 

It made Connor smile for some reason. “We’ll write.”

“And text.”

“And talk.”

“And talk,” Evan grinned. “At least you won’t be across the ocean this time.”

Connor pointed at him. “Or across the country.”

They looked at each other and then they looked away.

They were stalling. 

Neither of them really had anything else to say.

Evan held out his hand. Connor slapped it and then shook the top.

And then they hugged.

Connor wasn’t sure who initiated it. He wasn’t even sure if it was something that was initiated or if they just sort of tripped and landed with their arms around each other.

It was quick and brief and they both chuckled when they let go.

Connor took a step in the direction of the parking lot. “Go out tonight.”

Evan blinked like he didn’t understand. “What?”

“With Kai and his friends. Go to Copper City.”

Evan took a giant step backwards. “You’re too far away. I can’t hear you anymore.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Just go, okay? It might be fun.”

Evan shrugged like he couldn’t have cared less about that. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

And then he practically ran up the hill to his dorm.

That was one way to make the stalling stop, Connor supposed.

Connor couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw that his mother had ordered pizza for dinner.

He’d been expecting a big, healthy, disgusting, organic Welcome Home meal. 

He’d been expecting it so much that he’d actually stopped at McDonald’s on his way home.

He wasn’t about to say no to pizza though. Pizza nights were so rare they deserved to be worshiped.

Pizza nights that were also movie nights were dangerous though.

Connor laughed when he realized what was happening.

They were having pizza and eating it in front of the tv so that they wouldn’t all escape to their rooms the second they were done eating.

He had to hand it to his mother. She knew her children’s MOs.

It was fine though.

It was Zoe’s turn to choose, so the movies were funny and not too sappy. She was in a Gurinder Chadha mood.

They didn’t talk much.

Which was also fine.

Connor’s phone started going off around 8:30. It exploded with texts as Evan got ready to go out.

And then it exploded with texts while Evan tried to talk himself out of going and then into going. And while he waited for Kai to show up and while he rode to the club and...

And so it went.

Connor felt like he was getting a play by play of the night.

He only chimed in occasionally. Evan didn’t seem like he was actually looking for a response.

_I think I have something in my teeth. Should I ask someone?_

_Kai just told me I do. Should I be embarrassed or relieved?_

_Kai thinks it’s funny._

_Really funny._

_I should’ve driven myself._

_We just got here and I already want to leave._

_Is it weird that I was hoping the bouncer wouldn’t let me in?_

_There’s a dog here! Why didn’t you tell me the owner has a dog? I would’ve been so much more willing to come here if I’d known there’d be a dog._

_This music’s terrible._

_I mean, really? Who thought it would be a good idea to make a 10 minute remix of Uptown Funk?_

_I stand corrected. The Uptown Funk remix was genius compared to this Old Town Road remix._

_I’m texting you because they’re all dancing and I don’t want to dance and I have to look busy, so I’m texting you._

_I almost knocked a drunk girl over because she was petting the dog too roughly._

_She thought she was patting the dog. She wasn’t. She was smacking him._

_I want to leave._

_Kai told me not to get a Lyft because they’ll be leaving soon. That was a half hour ago._

_I just fell into a Wikipedia spiral and landed on the page about Lithuania. I’m not sure how I got there._

_I never realized how much I like pretzels until tonight._

_Kai keeps asking me questions about trees. Did you tell him to do that?_

Connor dropped his phone when he saw that one because he had.

He had sent Kai a text suggesting he talk to Evan about trees.

And the weather.

He expected to get a flurry of angry texts from Evan about that.

None came though.

His phone went silent.

It didn’t take him long to miss the constant buzzing.

And to wonder if he should be worried.

He sent Evan a text asking if he was still alive.

He got a single word in response.

_yes_

And then that was it. 

That was really it.

He tried to look on the bright side.

He could finally focus on _Bend It Like Beckham_.


	19. Summer After Sophomore Year

“This is your nephew?”

There was a disapproving edge to Sylvia’s tone, but Connor wasn’t sure if it was aimed at him or at Jamie.

Judging from the way she was clutching her mug, Jamie assumed it was because of her.

She gave a slight nod. “I told you he was starting today.”

“Hmm,” Sylvia hummed. 

And then she was gone. 

Off to shush a bunch of unsuspecting patrons, most likely.

“She’s just reclassified me in her brain,” Jamie grinned. “I’m no longer her sad, lonely, thirty-something co-worker. I’m a spinster aunt now.”

“You’re sad and lonely?”

Jamie’s grin widened. “Very much so. Can’t you tell?”

She narrowed her eyes at the mess he was making with his bagel. “What did I say last night?”

“You’re not my maid.”

“Or your mother.” Jamie finished her coffee and put the mug back on her desk. “Clean up after yourself when you’re done. Then come out front so I can show you what you’ll be doing today.”

Being a library intern was so much better than being a legal one. The workload was better, the people were more interesting, and Connor actually felt like he could breathe.

It was enough to make him feel like he might actually be on the right path, like he’d made the right choice for once in his life.

Like he was on the verge of making the right choice.

He still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be a librarian.

It was just that he knew he had to be something and being a librarian was starting to feel like his best option. 

Possibly his only option because he couldn’t really think of anything else he wanted to do. Or could do. 

Shadowing Jamie and helping out around the library helped him realize it really was something he could picture himself doing on a more permanent basis. 

Jamie didn’t seem surprised when he said something to that effect, but she also had the decency not to rub it in. 

Connor didn’t like the way Jamie kept gawking at him. It was enough to make him want to go hide in his room until her guests left.

“You’ve never played D&D?” Jamie hung her head sadly. “I really am a failure as an aunt.”

She took a moment to count the number of cushions she’d scattered around the room. “That should do it unless Gabe comes.”

Connor really didn’t like the way she looked at him when she said that. “Who’s Gabe?”

He regretted the question immediately. Jamie was the polar opposite of his mother in a lot of ways, but they had the same set of smiles.

That was the I-know-something-you-don’t-know one. 

It was enough to make Connor’s heart start to race.

“Clover’s brother,” Jamie said. “He goes to Caltech.”

And was gay.

Or bi. Or pan. Or something that made Jamie think he’d be into Connor.

He knew that smile too.

His eyes automatically darted towards the stairs.

She asked him to help her in the kitchen before he could make a run for it.

Because she was cooking for her friends. Actually cooking, not just heating up a bunch of appetizers in the microwave. There was a salad and everything.

She put a hand on her hip when she saw the way he was studying the food. “What?”

“Nothing.”

She refused to look away.

“It’s just weird,” Connor admitted. “I’m not used to you being so...”

“Together?” Jamie laughed. “Yeah. Took me long enough.”

“You have a house now.”

Jamie nodded. “And a job, a steady job even. And something that almost resembles a life.”

“A life that includes having people over to play a game about dragons.”

Her eyes narrowed as she pointed her spoon at him. “Don’t mock it until you’ve tried it.”

She flinched when the doorbell rang. “I bet that’s Clover. They’re always early. Do you mind getting it?”

Connor shrugged and went to do just that.

It was Clover.

And a guy he didn’t recognize.

A guy who had to be Gabe, judging from his resemblance to Clover.

A guy who smiled at Connor in a way that made him forget what he was doing.

He didn’t remember to move aside until Clover asked if he was going to let them in.

He mumbled something about getting another cushion and ran up the stairs.

He didn’t come back down until the rest of the guests had arrived.

He decided not to play the game.

Partially because it had already started by the time he returned.

Mostly because there was only one spot available. The one next to Gabe. 

Because Jamie really was his mother’s half-sister. 

He stored that comment away for later, when they were alone again.

He went into the kitchen to get some food. He pulled his phone out so it would look like he had a valid reason for eating in there instead of with everyone else.

That was an easy thing to do since he had a lot of texts to answer.

Zoe’s job at the music camp was wearing her out.

Alana was still annoyed that he wasn’t interning at Harvey, Porter, and Lee again. She was not impressed by the new crop of interns.

Evan’s fellow intern was driving him crazy.

Connor decided to call him when he saw the most recent text was less than two minutes old. 

He answered on the second ring. “Hey.”

“Hey. Are you still with her?”

“With... What?”

Connor smiled because he could picture the confusion flickering across Evan’s face. “Diana. Are you still with her?”

“She just left to get our food. We’re working late tonight.”

“Is it just the two of you?”

“Dr. Whitney’s around here somewhere.”

“But right now, it’s just the two of you?”

Evan paused like he knew where this was going. “Kind of. I guess.”

“That sounds cozy.”

“It’s really not.”

“The two of you, all alone in a dark lab.”

“It’s a well-lit lab, actually.”

“But it’s just the two of you.”

“And about a dozen vials of pond scum.”

“Sounds romantic.”

“Very.” Evan paused again. “Did you have a reason for calling or...”

“I need a reason to call you?”

“No, but I am at work, so...”

“You have to go.”

“Kind of.”

Connor glanced at the living room when he heard people laughing. 

Something big had obviously happened in the game.

He picked at his nails. “Can you keep me on until Diana returns?”

Another pause. “Why?” 

“Maybe I can help you figure out if she’s-”

His phone suddenly beeped.

The call had ended.

A text popped up.

_Dr. W_

Connor nodded knowingly.

That was that then.

He didn’t bother responding.

He went back to Zoe’s text thread. There was nothing new, which probably meant she was busy. Or asleep. She’d said she’d been going to bed early.

He took another bite of his salad and started clicking around Buzzfeed. He discovered that he was sourdough bread and a cat. 

He was so attached to his phone that he didn’t notice Gabe until he was standing right next to him.

Gabe chuckled when Connor almost knocked the salad to the ground. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Connor said quickly.

“Jamie sent me to get the cupcakes.”

Connor narrowed his eyes at the wall. “They’re over there.”

Gabe nodded and went to get them. “You’re not into D&D?”

Connor shook his head. “I’ve never played.”

“You should come watch. Watching is fun.”

“As fun as playing?”

“Well, you missed the boat on that, so...”

“What choice do I have?”

“Exactly.” Gabe shifted the tray to his other hand. “I’m Gabe, by the way. I’m Clover’s brother.”

“I know.” Connor resisted the urge to cringe. “Jamie told me you might be coming.”

Gabe nodded. “And you’re Connor?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

He took a second to study Gabe.

Gabe was cute, bordering on hot even. He looked like he belonged at the beach. It was no wonder he’d ended up at Caltech. 

Connor blinked when he realized Gabe was studying him too.

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

Connor shook his head. “Is it that obvious?”

“I don’t remember you from high school.” Gabe made a face. “Not that I knew everyone in my class and you could’ve gone to a different school, but...”

He smiled at Connor. “I feel like I would’ve remembered you.”

Connor snorted because that was the most obvious line he’d ever heard.

Gabe snorted too. “Yeah. Clover got all the chill, so I was left with the... whatever the opposite of chill is.”

Another burst of laughter came through the wall.

Gabe nodded at the door. “I better get these to them. Are you sure you don’t want to...”

Connor hesitated a moment before grabbing a stack of napkins off the counter. “Okay. I’ll come watch.” 

Gabe came to the library the next day.

And the day after that.

And the day after that. 

And...

It didn’t take long for it to become a habit of his.

And it was clear he wasn’t just stopping by to see his sibling.

Connor was fine with that. He didn’t hesitate before exchanging numbers with Gabe or agreeing to grab a coffee with him.

He liked Jamie. She was his favorite relative for a reason. It was weird having his social life revolve around her though. 

He’d gotten used to being around people his age, to having friends and doing things he actually considered fun. 

And Gabe was cute and funny and obviously interested.

Just not in anything serious.

He was clear about that from the start.

He was only home for the summer and his life was in California now and there was a guy he was sort of seeing there, with an emphasis on the sort of. 

He really emphasized that when it made Connor pause.

He went as far as to Facetime the guy and have him tell Connor they weren’t exclusive. 

That was good enough for Connor.

He liked hanging out with Gabe. Hanging out with Gabe was fun.

He suspected doing more than hanging out would be fun too.

Gabe’s friends weren’t at all what Connor had pictured. 

He’d expected them to look like they’d just walked off the set of a CW show. 

He hadn’t expected them to be a bunch of nerds.

That was their word, not his. They didn’t just call themselves that. They owned it.

They made it work.

They didn’t look out of place at the concert Connor went to with them.

The concert was loud and fast and a lot more fun than sitting around Jamie’s guestroom with his eyes glued to his laptop.

He felt a brief pang of guilt for bailing on Evan, but that quickly faded when the bassist started his solo. 

He could watch his soap with Evan anytime. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He recorded a clip of the band and sent it to Zoe. He knew she’d be impressed.

He took pictures of himself with Gabe and his friends and sent them to Evan because that was what friends did. 

He thought it was anyway.

The music was so loud he didn’t really get a chance to talk to Gabe until it was time to go.

Gabe hung back while his friends tried to find their keys. “So.”

“So?”

“What did you think?”

“Of the band or your friends?”

“The band,” Gabe grinned. “I know what you thought of my friends.”

Connor blinked at that. “What-”

“They aren’t what you imagined.”

Connor blinked again.

“I go to Caltech, you know.”

Connor nodded slightly. It took him a second to catch on. “You’re a science geek?”

“Big time,” Gabe grinned. “I looked just like them in high school.”

Something about that made Connor’s stomach twist. 

It made him think of Evan.

Gabe put a hand on his hip. “Is that a major turnoff for you or something?”

Connor shook his head. “My best friend’s an Environmental Science major.”

Gabe exhaled deeply. “So, that’s a no then?”

“That’s a no.” 

Jamie put the car in park when it became clear they weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. “There must be an accident up there somewhere.”

Connor pressed his forehead against the window. “We’re going to be late.”

Jamie waved her hand dismissively. “It’s fine. We’ll pick up some ice and all will be forgiven.”

“Why ice?”

“Because cookouts always need more ice.”

She glanced over her shoulder at the bags piled on the backseat. “I have a washer, you know.”

Connor tilted his head. “Huh?”

“And a dryer too. You’re welcome to use them.”

Connor stared at his hands. He knew it was stupid that he was bringing home a month’s worth of laundry. 

Jamie decided to drop it when he didn’t respond. “What’s Gabe up to this weekend?”

Connor’s eyes flashed in her direction.

“Oh, come on,” Jamie groaned. “I’ve been good. I haven’t asked you where you’ve been going or given you a curfew or-”

“You can give me a curfew?”

“Technically speaking, my house, my rules.”

Connor made a face. “We’re just hanging out.”

“Just hanging out?”

And doing more than hanging out.

Not much more, but more.

Connor wasn’t about to say that though.

Jamie picked up on that. “You said your friend Evan’s going to be there, right?”

Her face softened when Connor nodded. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open as he closed his laptop. “Oh my God.”

“I know,” Evan cackled.

“How many times are they going to kill Jeffrey?”

“However many times it takes?” Evan shrugged.

“He can’t stay dead though! That’s not fair to Madeline and the kids and...”

“You’re really upset about this.”

Connor leaned back against his bed. “And you aren’t?”

“I’ve had time to come to peace with it.”

“Exactly. You probably bawled your eyes out when you first saw it.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” 

“But you were upset?”

“Well, yeah,” Evan admitted.

Connor jabbed a finger in his direction. “Ha!”

“Diana cried and she’s only been watching the show for a month.”

Connor squeezed his knees. “So, you guys are really friends now?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“And there’s really nothing happening there?”

Evan snorted. “Not even a little bit.”

“But it could?”

Evan’s mouth opened and closed several times. “I mean, stranger things have happened, so it’s not totally outside the realm of possibility, I guess, but-”

“You’re totally hooking up before the summer’s over.”

Evan shook his head. “I’d bet you on it, but it wouldn’t feel right to take your money when I know...”

“Know what?”

Evan shook his head again. “Nothing.”

Connor’s phone buzzed.

“Gabe?” Evan guessed.

“My mom. She just noticed that I left the party.”

Evan’s shoulders relaxed. “Oh. Should we go back down?”

Connor opened his laptop. “We still have three episodes to catch up on.”

“You have three episodes to catch up on,” Evan reminded him. “I’m all caught up.”

Connor wrinkled his nose and hit play.

Gabe rolled off Connor so quickly it took his brain a second to process what had happened.

And then he saw why.

Clover was home. They grinned when they saw what was happening on the couch.

What had been happening on the couch. 

It was pretty obvious, given how disheveled Gabe and Connor looked.

Clover dropped their keys in the dish by the door and headed towards the kitchen. “Don’t mind me.”

Gabe squeezed his eyes shut. “At least it wasn’t my mom.”

Connor looked around frantically. “I thought this was Clover’s apartment.”

“It is. Mom has a key though.”

Connor smoothed out his shirt and adjusted his pants. “I should go.”

“Or you could stay for dinner,” Gabe grinned.

Connor made a face. “Pass.”

“Clover’s cool. They won’t give you a hard time. Me, on the other hand... I’ll be hearing about this for days. Maybe even weeks.”

That wasn’t as reassuring as Gabe seemed to think it was. 

Gabe gave Connor a playful shove. “Hey, relax. It’s fine.”

Connor chuckled as something suddenly occurred to him. “This is even worse than what happened to Evan.”

Gabe went silent for a second. “What happened to Evan?”

“Diana, his-”

“I know who she is,” Gabe laughed. “You’ve mentioned her a lot.”

“I have?”

“She’s at the center of all your Evan summer stories.”

Connor blinked because he hadn’t realized there had been that many. “Oh, well, uh... I was just thinking about how she said something that made Dr. Whitney-”

“Her stepmother,” Gabe filled in. 

“Right. She made Dr. Whitney think she’d slept with Evan because...” He stopped himself when he saw Gabe’s expression. “I already told you this one.”

Gabe shrugged. “Yeah.”

Connor nodded to himself. “I should go.”

“You don’t have to go.”

“I promised Jamie I’d be home for dinner.”

That was a lie. 

An obvious one at that.

Gabe didn’t call him out on it though. 

“Okay.” Gabe leaned over to kiss his cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Connor waved at Clover on his way out the door.

Clover didn’t mention what they’d walked in on the next day. Neither did Jamie, which was a relief because Connor had been half-convinced Clover would text her about it right away.

He’d kind of thought everyone at the library would be gossiping about it.

Because that was what they did.

When things were quiet, they gossiped and bickered and talked about what they were reading.

It was an environment Connor felt comfortable in, one he could imagine himself working in someday.

He was relieved when the thing with Gabe didn’t change that.

His relief didn’t stop him from ending up on the couch with Gabe again the next day though. 

Or the day after that.

Or the day after that.

Or...

Zoe practically fell out of the car when she got out. 

“Smooth,” Connor teased.

“My legs are stiff,” Zoe snapped. “It’s a three-hour drive.”

“You didn’t stop anywhere?”

“Once, to pee.”

Connor rolled his eyes. 

Zoe went up on her tiptoes and stretched her arms above her head. “Where’s Jamie?”

“At work. She’s finishing a display.”

“Oh,” Zoe muttered. Her eyes suddenly lit up. “Where’s Gabe?”

Connor shook his head. “No.”

“What?”

“You’re not meeting him.”

“Why not?”

“Because...” Connor shrugged.

Zoe studied him for a moment before announcing that she was hungry.

The kind of hungry that made her want to go out, even if it meant getting back in the car.

“Come on,” Zoe begged. “Just for a minute.”

“I thought you were starving.”

“I am, but it would be rude not to say hi when we’re this close to the library.”

Connor wasn’t buying that for a second. “You just want to see my display.”

“The one you made about Dr. Seuss?” Zoe grinned. “I hadn’t even thought about that, but if you insist...”

Connor gripped the steering wheel as he spun into the parking lot.

Jamie was helping someone when they went in. She beamed and waved at Zoe before answering the man’s question.

Sylvia appeared in front of them so quickly she made Zoe gasp.

“You’re not scheduled for today,” Sylvia snapped.

“I know,” Connor assured her. “I’m-”

She was gone before he could finish that thought.

Zoe’s eyes widened as she looked around. “Where did she go?”

“I’m really starting to think she’s a ghost,” Connor laughed. “Like she was such a stereotypical old school librarian when she was alive that now she’s stuck here for an eternity.”

“I can see that.”

Connor gestured at the stairs. “Come on. I’ll show you around.”

He showed her the stacks where he spent his afternoons shelving and the computers he fixed by turning them off and back on and, because she wouldn’t take no for an answer, the display he’d made about _The Cat in the Hat_.

He saved the front desk for last. He introduced her to Renee and Clover and...

He froze when he spotted Gabe sitting off to the side.

Gabe’s face lit up when he spotted him too. He lifted a hand in greeting.

Zoe put that together right away. “Is that Gabe?”

Connor gave a slight nod.

Zoe was on him in a second. She stuck out her hand. “Hi! I’m Zoe, Connor’s sister.

Gabe blinked as he put his book down. “Gabe.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you.”

She said it like she’d been hearing about him nonstop. 

Which she had not. 

Connor could count the things he’d told her about Gabe on one hand.

Gabe mirrored her smile. “Nice to meet you. Connor said you were coming up.”

He looked around expectantly. “Is Evan here too?”

“Evan?” Zoe blinked.

Gabe frowned at her confusion. “I thought he was riding up with you.”

Zoe paled at that. “Was I supposed to pick up Evan?”

Connor shook his head quickly. “He couldn’t make it.”

Gabe’s brow furrowed. “But you said-”

“Change of plans.” 

“Oh. That’s too bad. I know you were looking forward to it.”

Something about his tone didn’t sit right with Connor. It was too calm, too wistful, too something Connor couldn’t put his finger on.

He shook his head to make himself stop worrying about that. 

He poked Zoe’s arm. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded.

It was to her credit that she didn’t ask Gabe if he wanted to join them.

Gabe yawned when the credits started to roll.

It was a loud yawn. An excessively loud, dramatic yawn.

One designed to make Connor go.

He was okay with that. He hadn’t been planning to stick around anyway.

Gabe followed him to the door. “So.”

“So?”

“This has been fun.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’ve really liked hanging out with you this summer.”

“Me too.”

Gabe scratched his neck. “I’m leaving for California next week.”

“I know.”

“So...”

“So...” Connor smiled because he knew what this was. 

At least it was better than the brush off he’d gotten from Matt.

And the one he’d given to Lauren.

“I’ll text you,” Gabe promised.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“And maybe next time I’m home, we can catch up or something.”

“Or something?” Connor grinned.

“If both of our relationship statuses are the same, absolutely.”

They smiled at each other for a moment.

Connor’s grin wavered when he realized he didn’t know what else to say. 

Or do.

Kissing Gabe goodbye was a bad idea. So was shaking his hand or giving him a fist bump.

He settled for a quick smile and nod.

He glanced over his shoulder before getting in the car.

The door was already closed.

The call came in while Connor was mindlessly scrolling.

He was tempted to ignore it because he was not in the mood to talk to his mother.

But then he remembered the time.

His heart raced as he sat up. 

She started talking right away.

His grandfather had had a heart attack. Or possibly a stroke.

His mother was not a good communicator when she was stressed.

He scrambled out of bed and went to get Jamie.

No one said anything when they got home. 

Zoe went straight to her room. To sleep, probably, or maybe to cry.

She hadn’t cried yet.

Their mother was the only one who had.

Connor watched her put a hand on his father’s back. She whispered something that made him nod.

So, he was alive then. Alive and aware of his surroundings.

Connor had been wondering about that. 

He looked away when their eyes met.

It was way too early for that.

He headed for the stairs.

Jamie followed him up. 

He asked her what she was doing, if she was planning to stay.

She hadn’t lost her father after all.

She nodded and said she’d stay as long as they needed her. 

Connor mumbled something even he didn’t catch and went to his room to pass out.

The next few days were a blur.

He didn’t go anywhere. It didn’t feel right to go anywhere, even though he hadn’t been particularly close to his grandfather.

Jamie left on the second day. She promised to return with his things. 

With his mountain of dirty laundry, she said with a smile. 

That made Zoe laugh more than it probably should have.

The phone never seemed to stop ringing. Neither did the doorbell. 

People sent gift baskets and flowers and platters. They called to express their condolences. 

His mother handled the majority of the calls. She recruited Zoe to help when she started getting overwhelmed.

She didn’t ask him.

That was probably for the best.

He barely saw his father at all.

There was too much to be done. Too many arrangements to make.

His father seemed to spend all his time at home holed up in the study with Uncle Kevin. Connor could hear them whispering or fighting or laughing every time he went by.

He got high on the third night. Not really high. Just enough to take the edge off.

He lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling and thought about how involved the process of putting someone to rest was.

He’d never really thought about what went into it.

He wondered why it was so complicated. Shouldn’t people just be able to blink themselves out of existence? Because that was what happened. They were there one second and then they were gone.

He wondered how much of the sympathy they were receiving was genuine. 

He wondered how much sympathy his family would’ve received if it had been him instead.

That was a spiral.

His thoughts floated in and out and all around until he couldn’t make sense of them anymore.

He was so dizzy he couldn’t see straight.

His phone buzzed.

Evan had sent him a picture of a cartoon duck.

It made him laugh for an embarrassingly long time.

He didn’t turn to weed again after that.

He stopped hiding in his room so much too.

He ventured out into the house on the night before the funeral because he couldn’t sleep. 

He ended up in the kitchen. He turned to leave when he saw his father was already there.

And then he turned back around because he could handle that.

He could be there for his father.

He was the only one who hadn’t even tried.

He sat on the stool next to him and accepted a spoon when his father silently offered him one. He didn’t take any ice cream though.

It didn’t look like his father had either.

“Fudge ripple was my father’s favorite,” Larry said.

Connor nodded even though he hadn’t known that.

“I prefer peanut butter.”

Connor nodded again. That one he knew.

“We have peanut butter in the cabinet,” Connor pointed out. “We can add it to the tub if you want.”

Larry shook his head. His eyes looked glassy.

So glassy that Connor thought he was right. He had heard his father crying in the shower earlier that night.

He was pretty sure he had.

He wasn’t about to ask.

“I should’ve spent more time with him,” Larry sighed. “How did I let this happen? When did I stop seeing him every week?”

Connor stared at his hands.

“He wasn’t the best father,” Larry admitted. He let out a barking laugh. “Far from it, really.”

That got Connor’s attention. He lifted his head.

“He tried though. He provided for us and he taught me what he could.”

Connor jumped when his father’s hand brushed against his shoulder.

Larry stared at it like he wasn’t sure how or why that had happened. 

It took him a minute to recover.

“There are so many things...” Larry closed his eyes for a second. “So many things I didn’t tell him. I can’t even remember the last time we talked. Was it last week? Last month?”

He shook his head dazedly. “I can’t remember what we said. I can’t... I don’t...”

Larry stood up and stared at the door.

The hand on Connor’s shoulder was stronger that time. More purposeful.

A quick glance in his father’s direction confirmed it wasn’t a mistake.

“I hope you don’t feel this way when I’m gone.”

The service was somehow shorter and longer than Connor had thought it would be. 

That wasn’t the hard part though.

The hard part came afterwards.

It was hard to be patient and polite while accepting sympathy from dozens of people he hardly knew. 

Especially when the person he’d lost was a grandfather he’d hardly known.

He stuck with Zoe until her friends pulled her away. 

And then he went outside because that was where his friend was.

They decided to take a walk while Evan told him what it was like to kiss Kai. 

Evan wrinkled his nose when he finished his story. “It was gross.”

“Kissing Kai was gross?”

“His mouth tasted terrible.”

“Was that all?”

“Isn’t that enough?”

“I mean, if he’d brushed his teeth or chewed some gum, would-”

“It would’ve been better,” Evan nodded. He paused in front of one of the windows. “Should we really be talking about this here?”

“That’s why we’re on the move,” Connor said. “Less chance of being overheard.”

“Would you rather talk about your grandfather or...”

Connor shook his head. “So, Kai’s a no for you then.”

“He was never going to be a yes. Not a long-term one at least.”

“What about-”

“Nothing happened with Diana!” Evan stared at the ground like he was trying not to laugh. “Hey, did I, uh... Did I ever tell you Diana’s asexual?”

Connor froze in his tracks. “No, I’m pretty sure you didn’t.”

“Yeah, well, she is. She’s an aromantic asexual.”

Connor burst out laughing. “How long have you known that?”

“A while.”

“And you just let me keep hounding you about her?”

“I told you you were being crazy every time!”

“But you didn’t say why!” Connor shook his head at him. “Why didn’t you-”

“Because you had Gabe.” Evan’s ears went red. “And I... I don’t know. It made me feel less pathetic, I guess.”

“You think being single is pathetic?”

“No! I just... I don’t know. It was dumb.”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed.

Evan chuckled to himself. “You were so convinced something was going on there.”

“You talked about her all the time.”

“I was with her all the time. Diana and Dr. Whitney. They’ve basically been my life this summer.” Evan chewed his lip. “And talking about someone all the time doesn’t mean... I mean, I talked to Diana about you a lot. So much so that she feels like she already knows you.”

Connor’s heart sped up when he realized that sounded like something Gabe would’ve said.

“But it doesn’t mean anything,” Evan insisted.

Connor was quick to agree.


	20. Junior Year - August and September

Zoe’s mouth twisted to the side as she studied her tin. “I’ll trade you two muffins for five cookies.”

Connor shook his head. “Pass.”

“Why? You have, like...” Zoe’s mouth dropped open. “Your whole tin’s filled with cookies.”

“My muffins are still in the car.”

Zoe took a step back. “She sent you two tins?”

“Three, actually.”

“Three?” Zoe gasped.

Connor shrugged. “I have roommates.”

“I have roommates too!”

“I have Evan.”

That had been a poor choice of words. Connor knew that before he saw the glint in Zoe’s eyes.

“What do you mean by have?”

Connor let his breath out in a huff. “I mean, she heard that Evan’s mother doesn’t...”

His mouth snapped shut when he saw Evan exit the building.

Evan handed the bag he’d just carried inside to Zoe. “Here. I think this one’s yours.”

Zoe snorted when she saw a bra sticking out of the top. “Good call.”

She shook her head at Connor. “How did our things get this mixed up? Were you high when we were loading the cars?”

That was a rhetorical question. Connor knew she would’ve come up with an excuse to keep him from driving back to school if she’d actually thought he was high.

Zoe chewed her lip while she stared at the tins in the back of Connor’s car. “Are you sure one of those isn’t for me?”

“Mom put them there herself.”

“But...” Zoe exhaled sharply. 

“Why do you even want two tins? Didn’t you end up throwing out most of the food she sent you last year?”

Zoe put a hand on her hip. “Did you tell Mom that?”

Connor shrugged because he honestly wasn’t sure.

“I had to throw some of it out because I forgot about it and everything got stale. I like her care packages though. She actually puts real food in them.”

Connor eyed the tins for a second. “Five cookies for one muffin.”

“Only one?”

Connor nodded.

Zoe leaned over to make the exchange. 

Something about that amused Evan. Connor squinted at him when he realized he was trying not to laugh. 

Really trying not to laugh. 

Like he was seeing something a lot funnier than Zoe’s flip-flop bob up and down.

Zoe frowned when she noticed that too. “What?”

“Nothing,” Evan muttered. He stared at his feet when neither of them looked away. “I just noticed your haircut. I didn’t get a, uh, a good look at it earlier.”

Zoe self-consciously tugged at her hair. “Is it that bad?”

Evan shook his head frantically. “No.”

Connor studied him for a moment. He didn’t like that look. He wondered if it meant Evan’s crush on Zoe was returning. He wondered how awkward that would be.

It would suck. So much. For so many reasons.

He tried to think of something to say.

Evan started laughing before he could. “I think it looks better on Connor though.”

He stopped laughing for a second when he heard himself.

Only a second.

His laughter grew louder when he saw how confused they looked. He grabbed two bags out of Connor’s trunk and hurried away like he was afraid he’d lose it if he stayed put.

He glanced over his shoulder before he ran up the stairs. “You guys look like you solve mysteries together.”

Connor turned to face Zoe and it smacked him in the face. He saw what Evan had seen and once he saw it, he couldn’t unsee it.

Zoe tugged at her hair again. “I don’t look like... That’s not... It was time for a change. I’ve had long hair forever and I... I grew it out so I could donate it and...”

She closed her eyes. “It’s still longer than yours.”

“You want to bet?” Connor grinned. “Cole has a measuring tape.”

“It’s almost to my shoulders.”

“So’s mine!” Connor tilted his head so he could really compare their styles. “Did you give them a picture of me or something?”

“No,” Zoe hissed. “I just told them how much to cut and...”

She tied her hair back with the elastic band around her wrist. “There. Problem solved.”

Connor pulled his back too. “Problem not solved.”

He looked her right in the eye. “It’s like looking in a mirror.”

“It is not.” Zoe pursed her lips. “Our faces aren’t the same and there’s a definite height difference.”

“We both got Dad’s nose. It’s like looking in a distorted mirror.”

Zoe made a show of peering into her car. “It’s temporary. I’m growing it back out.”

“We’re growing it out? How long are we thinking? I think I’d only be okay with another inch or two.” He smiled when she narrowed her eyes. “Maybe we should go together next time. That’ll make it easier for the stylists.”

“I didn’t ask them to-”

Connor tapped his chin. “It must’ve been a recent picture of me. Your hair’s doing that weird flip thing too.”

Zoe closed her eyes like he was trying her patience. “It’s a weird coincidence, that’s all.” 

She frowned at the passenger side window. “Where’s my green bag? I don’t see it anywhere.”

Connor hesitated a moment before answering. “I think Evan just took a green bag upstairs.”

Zoe sighed and locked her car. “That’s it. Next time, we’re moving on different days.”

Connor drummed his fingers along the windowsill while he took in the view. “You just had to go with the trees, didn’t you?”

Evan stopped sorting his pens long enough to squint at him. “What?”

“You took the room facing the woods.”

“Did you see the other rooms? Kai grabbed the one overlooking the track right away. He thinks it’ll motivate him to run.”

“Since when does Kai need motivation to run?”

Evan shrugged. “The other two face the quad.”

“So, naturally, you chose trees over people?”

Evan extended his hand. “Hi. Have we met? I’m Evan Hansen.”

Connor rolled his eyes. 

“If it makes you feel any better, Jared and Cole are right above the dumpster.”

“Can you smell it from their room?”

Evan shook his head. “It’s not that close to us.”

“Then no,” Connor decided. “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

He grinned to show Evan he was kidding.

It took Evan a second to notice. He relaxed when he did. “I still think we have the best view.”

Connor glanced outside again. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”

Being around Evan and Diana when they were in full-on science mode was exhausting. 

Connor couldn’t understand anything they were saying. He didn’t even know half the words.

It was kind of nice in a way though. 

It was almost a relief.

It was nice that Evan had found someone he could talk to about the things Connor didn’t get. 

Someone who was a friend. Just a friend. Because that was clearly all Diana was. 

He would’ve understood that right away even if he hadn’t known she was asexual.

It was good for Evan to have a friend who didn’t live in their suite.

Most of them didn’t. 

At least it felt that way most of the time.

Connor knew he didn’t. He had Zoe and a few people he knew well enough to get notes from, but that was it. 

Being around Evan and Diana made him wonder if he should try to change that. 

He didn’t really want to change that. He was fine with things the way they were.

It was different for Evan because people in his field had to collaborate on projects. Connor thought they did anyway. He was pretty sure he understood that much.

Except for the occasional group project or peer review, English majors didn’t spend a lot of time collaborating on things. And Connor definitely didn’t feel like going out of his way to see his classmates outside of class.

Especially after the whole Lauren thing. He had to admit that was a factor.

It was probably for the best that there was nothing brewing between Evan and Diana.

Nothing besides a lot of sentences that may as well have been in Greek.

Diana noticed his confusion first. “We’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?” Evan frowned. 

“Haven’t you noticed?” Diana laughed. “Connor always gets this look on his face when we go off on a tangent.”

“That wasn’t a tangent,” Connor said. He pointed at the napkin strips he’d woven together while they’d been talking. “That was a whole conversation.”

Diana nodded slightly. “That’s fair.”

Evan turned towards Connor so he could try to explain. “We went to an interesting lecture this-”

Diana let out a frustrated cry and stabbed her phone like her hand was a sword. “Unsubscribe! What do I have to do to get taken off this list?”

“What list?” Connor asked.

“I keep getting all these alerts about activities for new students.”

Evan leaned over to see. “What are they doing now?”

“Water balloon fight in the quad. You want to go watch?”

Connor shook his head. “I went to that freshman year. I got soaked.”

Diana tilted her head at Evan. “What about you?”

Evan blinked like he didn’t understand. “What about me?”

“Did you get soaked too?”

She asked it like she was trying to figure something out. Which she probably was. That seemed to be her default setting. 

Evan slumped down in his seat. “I didn’t go.”

“You didn’t?” Connor asked. He didn't know why he was so surprised.

“I skipped most of those things.”

“I went to most of them.”

They stared at each other for a beat before looking away.

Diana let her breath out in a huff. “I think I’ll go watch.”

She grabbed her tray and left without waiting for a response.

Which was just as well. 

Connor didn’t think either of them had been planning to join her.

Evan broke the silence first by snorting. “Somehow I can’t picture you participating in a water balloon fight.”

“I participated in the snowball fight last year.”

“Yeah, but that was then. We’re talking about something that happened two years ago.”

Connor forced his face to remain blank by focusing on his tray. “I was trying something new.”

Evan glanced at him quickly. “By new, you mean...”

“I was trying not to be the guy I was in high school. The burnout without any friends. I thought trying things and putting myself out there would help.”

Evan was clearly at a loss for words. He barely managed to squeak the word, “Oh.”

“It didn’t work out the way I’d hoped it would. Big surprise there, right?”

Evan nodded slightly. “Right.”

“It was one of the things that made me decide to start hiding in the basement though. So, you know, it worked out in the end.”

“It did?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I made a friend.”

Evan puffed up a bit at that. He tried to hide it by downing the rest of his drink. “Do you want to go watch the water balloon fight?”

“Do you want to go watch the water balloon fight?” Connor countered.

Evan chewed his lip. “Okay, as long as we stay back. Like way back. If we get too close, Diana will try to make us play.”

Connor laughed when he saw what Evan was doing. “That’s how you fold your sheets?”

Evan stared at him in disbelief. “Are you seriously judging me right now?”

“Little bit,” Connor grinned.

“You’ve been doing laundry for, like, one week and now-”

“Five days,” Connor corrected. “Not even a whole week.”

“Five days,” Evan sighed. “And now you think you’re some kind of expert?”

“That is not how you fold a sheet.”

“It’s smaller, isn’t it?”

“It’s all rumpled up though. You’re supposed to actually fold it, you know.”

Evan dropped the sheet in his basket. “You think you can do better?”

Connor nodded eagerly. “You want me to fix it for you?”

“What’s the point? I’m just going to put it back on my bed.”

“It’s a skill you need to have.” He lowered his eyes when Evan started to laugh. “That’s what my mom always said.”

“She taught you how to fold your sheets, but not how to wash them?”

Connor nodded slowly.

Evan snorted and stepped away from the basket.

Connor grabbed the sheet. “Okay, first, you want to take the corners like this. And then... We need a flat surface. Let’s go find a flat surface.”

“Are you going to get off?”

The question snapped Connor out of his daze. He stumbled out of the elevator and immediately leaned against the wall.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Evan said softly.

Connor let out a barking laugh. “Were we at the same dinner?”

“Your parents...” Evan lost his train of thought when their eyes met.

Or maybe he just decided not to say what he was thinking.

“They would’ve lost it if I’d had a drink,” Connor said.

Evan chewed his lip like he didn’t agree.

Connor narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“It’s just... New Year’s... Your dad... You said he was cool with you taking the champagne.” Evan stared at his feet. “And you’re 21 now, so that really isn’t a gray area anymore.”

He had a point.

He would have had a point if he’d been talking about a different family.

Connor decided to drop it. 

That was his right. It was his birthday after all.

They walked down the hall to their suite in silence.

Connor froze with his hand on the door. He didn’t need to press his ear against it to know it was quiet inside.

He spun around to smirk at Evan. “Surprise party?”

“What?” Evan chuckled. “No.”

He sighed when Connor refused to look away. “A small one.”

Connor made a face and opened the door.

It was a small party. 

Small and short.

The only people there were his roommates. Jared was supposed to invite Zoe, but he “forgot.” Connor had a feeling he would’ve remembered if Wyatt wasn’t in the picture.

It was okay though.

The party was fine.

There was cake.

No one got drunk because they all had class in the morning.

It amused Connor to see he had such a responsible group of friends.

Joining the game was Diana’s idea.

Because of course it was. 

Connor would never have jumped at the chance to play Gotcha and he knew for a fact Evan wouldn’t have been interested if Diana hadn’t pressured him into it.

He joined because Evan joined, because it was easy for him to picture the train wreck that would happen if he didn’t. 

And because it sounded kind of fun when he looked it up. 

It sounded fun until he opened his card and saw Evan staring up at him.

He pocketed it as quickly as he could. He stepped back to read Evan’s expression, to see if he’d had time to read the card.

He hadn’t.

Connor closed his eyes and exhaled.

He kept his mouth shut while Evan and Diana discussed their targets. 

He slipped away while they were talking. 

He needed to find a safe place to strategize.

It would’ve been easy for him to kill Evan.

Really easy.

He had plenty of opportunities.

And Evan’s guard was always down around him.

He could’ve killed him while they were eating or studying or watching their soap.

He could’ve killed him before he even knew what was happening.

He didn’t though.

He didn’t take any of the many opportunities that presented themselves. 

Because Evan was having fun and he’d be a terrible friend if he put a stop to that.

The longer the game went on, the harder it got for Connor to stay alive.

It was easy for him to dodge the first few people who tried to assassinate him. That changed as the list of players grew shorter.

He started memorizing where all the bathrooms were on campus because they were safe zones. He talked to professors he didn’t really need to talk to and went to the library an insane number of times.

All so he could stay in the game and keep someone else from getting Evan’s card. 

He wondered if Evan would share the prize with him if he won.

He practically jumped out of his skin when someone snuck up on him and tapped his shoulder.

He sighed when he realized only one shoulder had been tapped.

It took a two shoulder tap to kill someone.

Zoe was snickering at him when he turned around. “You’re jumpy today.”

“It’s this game. I thought you were here to kill me.”

“How do you know I’m not?” She giggled when he almost fell off the bench. “I’m not even playing! Shouldn’t you know that? I thought you were obsessed with checking the leaderboard.”

“I haven’t checked it today,” Connor muttered.

That was a lie.

He’d checked it five times.

Zoe snorted like she saw right through that. “Evan’s really good at killing people.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“Like scary good. You better not make him mad.”

Connor’s spine suddenly stiffened. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“I think there’s someone in the bushes.”

Zoe shook her head at him. “You think there’s someone hiding in the bushes so they can kill you?”

Connor shoved her arm. “Go check.”

“Why do I have to check?”

“Because you can’t die!”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous. There’s no one in the...”

She yelped when a guy leapt out of the bushes and charged towards them. She pushed Connor off the bench. “Go! I’ll hold him off as long as I can!”

She jumped up and started doing some kind of weird interpretive dance that blocked the guy’s path every time he tried to lunge at Connor.

Connor grinned and waved and took off like a shot.

Someone got the guy later that night.

Connor cursed when he saw that. It had been nice knowing who was after him for a change. He could see why Evan was getting so paranoid. 

It was like Evan couldn’t relax anymore. He was becoming a twitchy, babbling, hysterical mess. 

It was worse than all the presentations Connor had ever seen him give. 

It was enough to make Connor sick. He didn’t know what to do about it though. Telling Evan wouldn’t help. It would only make Evan even more paranoid. 

Or he’d feel pathetic, like Connor didn’t think he could play the game on his own.

Connor tried not to think about that. He decided he wouldn’t feel guilty unless Evan didn’t win. 

Connor jumped when he opened the door to his room and found Jared standing there like the creeper that he was.

Jared started laughing so hard he had to bend over. “What is it about this game? It really messes with you, doesn’t it?”

Connor switched his bag to his other shoulder. “What do you want, Jared?”

“To know when you’re going to pull the trigger. Because I want to be there. I want to be there when you finally kill Evan.”

Connor closed his eyes. He should’ve known Jared had figured that out.

Jared smirked like he was reading his mind. “We all know you have his card. Kai figured it out days ago.”

“Kai figured it out?” That made Connor feel a bit better.

“He’s smart, you know. A future doctor and all that.”

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. “Does Evan...”

Evan couldn’t know.

If Evan knew, then his paranoia didn’t make sense. 

Or maybe it did.

Maybe he thought Connor was tormenting him for some reason.

Jared made a face. “Yes and no. He knows, but he doesn’t want to know, so he’s keeping himself from really knowing. Does that make sense?”

Connor nodded because it did.

It really, truly did.

They started dropping like flies when they got to the final ten.

It got a lot harder for Connor to stay in the game.

On the bright side, it got a lot easier for him to guess who was out to kill him.

He practically jumped down a flight of stairs to avoid Diana. 

She bowed to show how impressed she was before chasing after him.

Connor checked his phone as soon as he got out of class. 

They were down to two.

He grinned when he saw that.

And then he frowned because he hadn’t actually gotten that far in his thinking.

Connor opened the door as quietly as he could. He knew better than to make any sudden moves around Evan.

It didn’t matter. The sound of the door squeaking still made Evan look like he was going to have a panic attack. 

Connor raised his eyebrows. “So, I take it you’ve checked the leaderboard?”

Evan shook his head. “Not recently. Why?”

“We’re down to two players.”

The room fell silent for a moment while that sank in.

Evan eyed Connor warily. “Have you had me this whole time?”

He scooted his chair backwards when Connor walked into the room.

Connor chuckled as he dropped his bag on his desk. “Yeah.”

“Then why haven’t you-”

Connor glanced over his shoulder. “You were having fun.”

Jared poked his head in before Evan could respond. His whole face lit up when he saw them. “Guys! It’s happening! It’s finally happening!”

He clapped his hands as he looked between them. “Kill him!”

Seth tilted his head as he ran up behind Jared. “Who are you talking to?”

Jared looked like a kid in a candy shop. “Does it matter?”

“My money’s on Evan,” Ryan said. “He’s the silent assassin after all.”

“You don’t know Connor like I do,” Jared hissed. “He-”

“Why didn’t you take me out?” Evan demanded. “You’ve had plenty of opportunities.”

Jared rubbed his hands together as he rocked back on his heels. “Okay, Ryan’s on Team Evan. I’m Team Connor because he’s a psycho and there’s no telling what he’ll do.”

Ryan whipped around to frown at Jared. “Hey... That’s not-”

Jared shook his head. “What about the rest of you? Should this be a thing? We can make this a thing.”

“A thing?” Kai repeated as he strolled over. “What kind of thing?”

“Like...” Jared stared up at the ceiling. “Like we divide into teams of bodyguards and split them up for ten minutes and-”

“Are there any guns in this game?” Cole wondered. “Toy ones, even. I’ve gotten a lot of target practice in over the years.”

Connor lifted his arms above his head and looked Evan in the eye. “What was the prize again?”

“Two gift certificates to the crepe place on Maple.”

“You want to split it?” Connor laughed at Evan’s expression. “You still want to win!”

“I...” Evan scuffed his shoe along the rug. “I don’t want to kill you.”

“Good to know.”

“Kill him!” Jared cried.

Evan sighed. He stared at Connor like he was finally putting the pieces together. “You’ve been playing defensively.”

Connor lowered his eyes.

“You were staying in it so no one else could get my card.”

“Aww,” Ryan grinned.

Chris shook his head. “I wouldn’t have done that.”

“I would’ve killed you the first chance I got,” Seth agreed.

“You were, weren’t you?” Evan whispered.

Connor shrugged. There was no point in denying it.

Jared shook his head and started mumbling under his breath.

Kai reached for his phone. “I’ll take your picture.”

Connor stepped forward first. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes when Evan flinched. 

He waited a second before holding up his hand.

Evan laughed when he saw that. He slapped Connor’s hand and then he shook the top of it.

Kai snapped a picture of them holding their cards.


	21. Junior Year - October

Zoe fanned herself with a picture of the most awkward-looking couple Connor had ever seen. Under different circumstances, the sight of the couple and their terrifying smiles would’ve been funny. As it was, it just served as a reminder of what he was about to endure. 

He poked the brochure when it flew his way. “Is that the best this place can do?”

It took Zoe a second to realize that was aimed at her. She looked like she was so hot her brain had actually melted. “Huh?”

“That picture.” Connor poked it again. “They looked possessed.”

Zoe flipped it over so she could see. “Maybe they were.”

“And they decided to come here to have their possession documented?”

Zoe started fanning herself again. “Mom said the photographer’s supposed to be good. The Andersons gave him a glowing recommendation.” 

“That picture is not good.” He grinned when Zoe didn’t disagree. “And if that’s the sample they’re using in their brochure...” 

His phone buzzed. Evan wanted to know if he’d seen his charger. 

Connor’s hand automatically drifted towards his bag before he said he hadn’t.

The response was instantaneous. _You took it again, didn’t you?_

Connor smiled to himself as he plugged his phone in with Evan’s charger. _I don’t know what you’re talking about. You must’ve left it somewhere._

His phone buzzed right away. Evan was mad. Which was fair since he hadn’t actually agreed to share custody of his charger with Connor. _Funny how many times my charger’s gone missing since you lost yours._

Connor nodded slightly. _Funny how that works._

Evan didn't find it funny at all. _My phone’s about to die._

Connor rolled his eyes because there was an easy solution. _Go steal someone else’s charger. Jared’s in class now. Go take his._

A solution Evan refused to see. _GO BUY A NEW CHARGER!!!_

A solution that made a lot more sense than wasting his money on a new charger. _Why should I do that when yours is always on your desk?_

Zoe dropped her fan and groaned at the ceiling. “Okay, I’m officially dying now.”

“Okay,” Connor said without looking up from his phone.

“Okay?” Zoe scoffed.

Connor lowered his phone when it became clear Evan’s phone really had died. Or maybe he was just done with their conversation. Connor wasn’t sure. “Die then. I won’t stop you.”

Zoe made a face. “Why is it so hot in here? Aren’t you hot?”

“Not really,” Connor shrugged. “But then I’m not the one wearing a sweater.”

“It’s a Christmas sweater.”

“I know,” Connor nodded. “The reindeer gave that away.”

“Mom said we have to wear something Christmas-y for the shoot.”

“Are you saying my outfit isn’t Christmas-y?”

Zoe raised her eyebrows.

“I’d wear this on Christmas,” Connor maintained. “I have worn this on Christmas.”

“Mom brought a sweater for you too,” Zoe grinned. “It’s like mine but green.”

Her grin widened when she saw his expression. “She wants us all to be coordinated. Mom and I are in red. You and Dad are in-”

“No,” Connor whispered.

“Green,” Zoe finished with a smile. 

Connor closed his eyes. “Why are we doing this now?”

“As opposed to when?”

“It’s barely even October.” He gestured at Zoe’s fan. “And it’s, like, 80 degrees outside.”

“Mom found a gift certificate that’s about to expire.”

Connor wrinkled his nose. He should’ve guessed.

Zoe bumped their shoulders together. “It’ll be fun. We can make it fun. It used to be fun when we were little.”

“Our memories of this must be very different.”

His memories consisted of never-ending photo shoots where he had to smile when he didn’t want to smile and be touched when he didn’t want to be touched and...

It had been a nightmare.

Zoe stared at her hands. “I had fun.”

He didn’t have to look at her to what she was referring to.

The moments after the shoot, while their parents were reviewing the pictures, had been fun. They would always run around the studio and destroy everything they could get their hands on.

Connor sighed when she chanced a glance in his direction. “It wasn’t all bad.”

Zoe beamed like he’d just admitted to having the time of his life. “We can do our hair the same way. That would be fun.”

She laughed at his expression. “I thought you’d like that. Weren’t you the one who was all...”

She pulled her phone out. “The drama club’s doing a reading of _Twelfth Night_. I bet I could get the lead if I bring you with me.”

Connor slid off the platform. “I’m going to go see what the holdup is.”

Zoe hopped down too. “Where’d we land on the hair? I’m thinking pigtails would be cute.”

The photo shoot wasn’t as bad as Connor had expected. It didn’t take nearly as long as he remembered it taking. 

Probably because he was older and had a better sense of time and understood it would be in his best interest to cooperate with the photographer instead of sticking his tongue out and giving Zoe bunny ears every time he was told to smile.

He only did that once.

It made everyone laugh so hard they finally got a picture they could actually use.

It was a good picture. Even Connor had to admit that. They looked happy, but not too happy. Because that was a thing. Because his father always wanted to make sure he looked at least semi-professional in the final shot. Because the card was always sent to dozens of people, including Larry’s clients and colleagues. 

That was fine. Connor didn’t mind. He decided not to mind. Because minding would have stirred things up and delayed his departure. 

His mother stopped him before he could slip out the door. “I’ll need your news in a few weeks.”

“My news?” Connor blinked.

“For the newsletter.”

Connor’s stomach sank. He should’ve known that was coming.

“People want to know what we’re up to,” Cynthia said softly. “I can’t tell you how many people stopped me at the wake to tell me how much they’ve missed getting our newsletter every year.”

She glanced over her shoulder like she was afraid the very mention of the wake would make her husband crumble.

Which was so ridiculous it made Connor snort. 

It was almost as ridiculous as the idea that people actually missed getting a Christmas letter from them. 

He knew better than to say that to his mother.

“I want to do it right this time, since it’s been so long,” Cynthia continued. “Send me your news by the end of the month.”

A look flashed across her face before she smiled and patted his arm.

Connor knew that look.

She was worried about his reaction.

Because he was the reason they hadn’t done this in seven years. Because it had been a while since he’d been Christmas card material. Or something that resembled Christmas card material.

Because he’d told his mother to fuck off the last time she’d asked. Because he was pretty sure his reaction had been a lot worse than that.

Part of him understood that had been the main reason. 

Part of him wondered what had changed to make her think he wouldn’t do that again.

Part of him wondered when that had stopped being his go to reaction.

Part of him didn’t wonder at all because part of him already knew the answer.

The zoo really needed to invest in an amphitheater of some kind. Somewhere people could go to stare blankly at a show and not talk.

The camel rides weren’t cutting it.

Connor took another sip of his beer and tried to look like he was a lot more interested in the camels than he actually was.

It didn’t work.

Or maybe the alcohol was just making his father feel weirdly chatty.

And nostalgic.

Connor cringed when he realized his father was looking for something on his phone. In his gallery, to be exact.

He jumped when he saw the picture his father had found.

It was of him when he was nine. It was from the day he’d been swarmed by what had felt like hundreds of birds.

In reality, there had only been about seven of them. 

Connor chugged his beer when he saw that.

“Is this why you didn’t want to go to the aviary?” Larry asked.

Connor refused to dignify that with a response.

“You’ve never liked birds.”

Connor pretended not to hear that. He swirled his bottle when he saw it was empty. He wondered how many beers were too many beers. 

His father seemed to be pondering the same question. He sighed like he was making a huge sacrifice of some kind. “How’s school?”

“Fine.”

“Do you like your classes?”

“Yeah.”

“And your teachers?”

“Yeah.”

“And-”

“Is this about to turn into a job interview?”

That shut his father up.

For a minute. 

“Speaking of jobs...”

Connor stifled a groan. 

“Are you still thinking about becoming a librarian?”

“Maybe,” Connor shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You have to decide soon.”

“I know.”

“You graduate next year.” Larry studied him for a moment. “You are graduating next year, aren’t you?”

“Is there another option?”

“Some people need more than four years. If that’s the case, you can-”

“I’m graduating next year.”

“We set aside enough money to-”

“I’m graduating next year and becoming a librarian and... Happy?” He glanced at his father expectantly.

“If that’s what you want.”

He said it so lightly it made Connor’s head spin.

“I don’t know what I want,” Connor admitted. “Not really anyway.”

“I think it’s a good idea. I can picture you as a librarian.”

Connor wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

“At least you have a profession in mind. Your sister just says ‘music’ when I ask her.”

Connor snorted. That amused him more than it probably should.

He sucked the last drop out of his bottle and tossed it in the recycling bin. “Did you always want to be a lawyer?”

The question caught both of them off-guard.

Connor regretted it immediately. He leaned forward to watch one of the camels take a dump. 

“I guess you could say that,” Larry said slowly. “It checked all my boxes. I thought I’d make money and be respected and get to argue with people for a living. I was on the debate team in high school, you know.”

“I know,” Connor muttered. “I’ve seen the trophy.”

“Trophies,” Larry corrected. “I got more than one.”

Connor nodded because he knew that. He’d played with them a lot when he was a kid. 

“It felt like a good fit.” Larry studied him again. “Does being a librarian feel like a good fit for you?”

Connor stared at his hands. It did and it didn’t and he really didn’t feel like discussing it. He was afraid that discussing it with his father would irritate him so much he’d change his mind completely.

They fell silent again.

So silent that he didn’t notice his father had gone back to the refreshment stand until he returned with another round of drinks and a plate of fries.

Larry checked his watch as he sat down. “What time are we supposed to meet them for lunch?”

Connor shrugged because he couldn’t remember. He pulled his phone out and sent Evan a text asking where they were. He threw in the fact that he was going to have abandonment issues from being ditched like that. 

He pocketed his phone because he didn’t expect a response.

Evan had actually been looking forward to this outing. Evan actually liked spending time with his father.

Connor wondered if he’d feel that way if he only saw his father once a year or so.

Larry cleared his throat. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Connor blinked as he tried to wrap his mind around that. “Seeing anyone as in...”

He didn’t finish that thought. He didn’t need to finish it.

His father was definitely asking about his love life.

That was a new one.

“You’ve never asked me that before,” Connor said. He scratched his neck when his father turned to watch the camels too. “No. I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

They both jumped when a child almost fell off one of the camels.

Larry shook his head. “That would’ve been a lawsuit.”

“You want to run over there and give them your card?”

“I’m not that kind of lawyer.” He popped one of the fries in his mouth. “What about Evan?”

Connor frowned for a moment. “What about him?”

“Is he seeing anyone?”

Connor stared blankly at the camels. He knew where this was going. He didn’t like the way his father kept glancing at the pocket holding his phone. 

He decided to change the subject. “Should you be eating those?”

Larry’s eyes widened. “The fries?”

“Aren’t you having problems with your heart? Or your blood pressure? Or whatever it is?”

“I can eat a few fries.” He shook his head at Connor’s expression. “I expect this from your mother and Zoe, but not-”

“Not me,” Connor finished.

“Are you going to suggest we take a brisk walk next?”

Connor wrinkled his nose and popped a fry in his mouth.

His father did the same.

Jared buried his head in his arms when the door finally closed. “You know what’s worse than having your parents come to Family Weekend?”

Connor yawned and stretched his arms out in front of him. “What?” 

“Having everyone else’s parents here. That was bad.”

Connor nodded because he had a point. “Cole’s parents definitely think we’re a bunch of deviants.”

Jared dug his hands into his forehead. “I made a penis joke in front of Seth’s mom.”

“Why?”

Jared let out a loud groan. “I don’t know! It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Connor decided not to question that logic. He really didn’t want to know.

His phone buzzed. His mother had been texting him all day to make up for the fact that she wasn’t there. 

He tilted his head back to look at Jared. “Where are your parents, by the way?”

Jared shrugged. “They had plans.”

He chewed his lip for a second. “I think.”

“You didn’t ask them to come, did you?”

“They knew about it,” Jared hissed. “They would’ve come if they’d wanted to come.”

Connor’s phone buzzed again. Zoe was up to 34 texts from their mother. Connor took a second to count his before telling her he was only at 27.

He lowered his phone and raised his eyebrows when Jared bolted up like he’d been caught.

Which he had. He had definitely been snooping around and reading over Connor’s shoulder.

“Is Zoe meeting what’s-his-name’s parents today?” Jared asked.

Connor shrugged and held up his phone. “Want me to ask?”

Jared looked at him like he was crazy.

Connor didn’t bother hiding his amusement.

His phone buzzed again.

He rolled his eyes and texted Zoe.

_28_

Evan grabbed the charger out of Connor’s hand with a speed Connor hadn’t known he possessed.

“I need it more than you do,” Evan hissed.

“What makes you say that?” Connor demanded.

“It’s mine, for one.”

“I thought we sharing!”

“Buy-”

“A new charger,” they finished together.

Connor grinned and tried to steal the charger back. “We don’t really need two chargers. A second charger is wasteful and shouldn’t you, of all people, be all about reducing waste?”

Evan narrowed his eyes. “It isn’t wasteful.”

“Having too much of something you don’t need is the very definition-” Evan smacked his hand away when he tried again. Connor blew on it and groaned. “Ow...”

“Get your own. This one’s mine.”

“My phone’s dead. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“Mine’s dead too! And I need it to finish my homework. I have notes on it from the aquarium.”

“You have a whole notebook filled with notes.”

“I took notes on my phone too.” Evan triumphantly clicked the charger in place. “You can have it when I’m done.”

“Fine,” Connor sighed. He flopped back onto his pillow. “How much homework do you have? Because it’s getting kind of late.”

“You don’t have to stay up.”

Connor smothered a yawn and reached for his laptop. “I think we need tickets to watch the Quidditch match.”

Evan lifted his head a bit. “How much does it cost?”

“It doesn’t cost anything. They just want to know how many people to expect.”

Evan hummed at that.

“Should I put down two or three?”

“Three? Why three?”

“Are you asking George?” He lowered his eyes when Evan rolled over to blink at him. “I wasn’t sure where we landed on that.”

“I haven’t asked George.” Evan tilted his head back so far he almost rolled off the bed. “When would I have asked him? I haven’t left the room.”

“You could’ve texted him.”

“We... He’s not the kind of person I can just text out of the blue. Especially not like that.” Evan shuddered at the thought.

Connor shrugged. “Okay. Two then?”

Evan let his breath out in a huff. “Two.”

“We can always add George later.”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. He laughed like the idea was ludicrous.

Which was ludicrous because it obviously was not. George obviously liked Evan and Connor felt like there was something there. Something Evan should explore. Something he needed to explore.

He knew better than to say that out loud.

Connor drummed his fingers along the side of his laptop. “That’s how Gabe and I got started. We did things with his friends.”

“I’m not starting anything with George.”

“But you might.”

“But I’m not.”

Connor gave him a look that practically screamed ‘we’ll see.’

Evan sat up long enough to punch his pillow into submission. “I think I’m too tired to work on my essay, actually.”

Connor perked up at that. “Does that mean I can have the charger?”

Evan shook his head.

Connor sighed and checked his email. There was a confirmation for the Quidditch match and an email from his mother. He sighed when he opened it.

Really sighed.

He sighed so heavily that Evan sat up all the way.

“What’s wrong?”

Connor closed his laptop. “My mom was just reminding me about our newsletter.”

He pressed his fingers together when Evan didn’t ask. “Our Christmas newsletter. I think I told you about it.”

Evan shook his head and nodded and shrugged. 

“She wants me to write a paragraph about everything I’ve been up to this year.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded. “Okay.”

“Not okay,” Connor chuckled. 

“Why is that not okay?”

“My mom always lists her hobbies and Dad says how many cases he won and Zoe has her music and I... What have I done?”

“Are you about to start channeling John Lennon?”

Connor’s hands twitched around on top of his laptop. “The last time we did a newsletter, I just included a list of all the books I’d read that year.”

“All the books?” Evan snorted.

“Most of the books,” Connor corrected. “The ones I wasn’t embarrassed to admit I’d read.”

“You could do that again.”

“Maybe...” Connor puffed his cheeks out and blinked at the ceiling. “I should probably just stick to the basics. English major. Future librarian.”

“Semi-professional thief,” Evan added.

“Your charger’s right there!” Connor pointed at the wall. “It’s not stolen.”

“I’m going to come up with a new hiding place for it tomorrow.”

Connor tapped his chin and pointed at Evan. “Under your mattress.”

Evan silently fumed for a moment. “Another new-”

“Red box in the closet.” He propped himself up and tapped his forehead. “I can read your mind.”

He laughed when he saw how freaked out Evan was.

Evan shook his head and looked away. “That’s it. Buy your own charger or that’s what you’re getting for Christmas.”


	22. Junior Year - November

“So, that was the end of that, you know?”

Connor jumped when Gabe’s hand suddenly covered the screen.

“You still with me?”

Connor cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. He resisted the urge to slam his laptop shut.

It wasn’t Gabe’s fault he’d spaced out after all. It wasn’t Gabe’s fault he’d forgotten what he was doing. It wasn’t Gabe’s fault he kept getting distracted.

Except it kind of was. 

How was he supposed to focus when Gabe wasn’t wearing a shirt? 

It was annoyingly distracting and Connor wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Gabe shirtless before. 

And it wasn’t like there was anything happening there.

They were just talking, catching up, like the friends they were. The friends who lived on opposite sides of the country and texted regularly and had seen each other shirtless and pantless and...

Connor scratched his neck and made a show of reaching for something on his desk. His hand landed on a pen. He waved it around like it was a long-lost treasure. 

Gabe looked annoyingly smug when he looked at the screen again.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Gabe smirked.

Connor shook his head quickly. “No. I just...”

He shrugged. He had no excuse.

Gabe’s abs really were that distracting.

Gabe grinned like he got that. He didn’t grab a shirt though.

Which was his right.

It was probably hot in California. And he was clearly comfortable with his body in a way Connor couldn’t imagine. 

Gabe jabbed his finger at the screen. “Is that Evan?”

Connor jumped so high it made Gabe laugh.

It also made the person standing behind him laugh.

The person who was not Evan.

Kai smiled when their eyes met. “We’re ordering from Alfie’s. You want your usual?”

It took Connor an embarrassingly long time to understand that and even then, it still didn’t make sense. He tilted his head and blinked. “My usual?” 

“You usually get a cheeseburger, don’t you?” Kai tapped his fingers together. “And sweet potato fries. Can’t forget those.”

Connor hadn’t realized Kai knew his usual. He hadn’t even realized he had a usual. 

He nodded slightly. “Yeah. That’s fine.”

Kai turned to go. He spun around when he got to the door. “Do you know what time Evan will be back?”

Connor shook his head.

“Do you think I should order for him?”

Connor shrugged. “Can’t hurt.”

“What-” 

“He’s working on his group project, so he’ll be hungry when he gets in.”

Kai considered that for a moment. “Chicken nuggets?”

“With honey sauce. And onion rings on the side.” 

Kai hummed at that. He paused with his hand on the door. “Do you want this open or closed?”

He looked far too amused for Connor’s liking.

So did Gabe. 

It felt like they were conspiring against him.

Connor forced his face to go blank. “Open’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Kai asked in an annoyingly innocent tone. “We’re all right outside and-”

“Kai, this is my friend Gabe. Gabe, Kai.”

Gabe gave a big wave.

Kai returned the wave before slipping out the door.

He closed it behind himself.

Connor rolled his eyes and turned back to the screen. “Where were we?”

“You were drooling over my abs.”

“I was not.”

Gabe grinned and pulled a t-shirt over his head. “Better?”

Connor didn’t dignify that with a response. “Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?”

“Why?” Gabe winked. “You want to meet up?”

Connor shrugged to show he wouldn’t be opposed to that.

“Unfortunately, no,” Gabe sighed. “I won’t be home for Christmas either. I have too much going on and... My family’s coming to see me for New Year’s, so there’s that at least.”

“Oh. That’s too bad.” Connor squeezed his eyes shut. “That you’re not coming here, I mean. Not that your family...”

“Yeah, especially since things with Sean have fizzled out.”

“They have?”

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”

Connor smiled sheepishly.

“Next time I call you, I’m wearing a poncho.”

“One of those clear ones or...”

They laughed when their eyes met.

Gabe pointed a finger at the screen. “So, that guy.”

“Kai?”

Gabe nodded. “What’s the deal there?”

“He’s my roommate.”

“I thought Evan was your roommate.”

“Kai’s one of my suitemates.”

“Oh,” Gabe nodded. “He’s hot.”

Connor was suddenly very glad Kai had decided to close the door. “Yeah.”

“And you two aren’t...”

Connor shook his head.

“Is he into guys? If so, you should-”

“He made out with Evan last summer.”

Gabe raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“By made out, I mean they kissed.”

“Yeah, but still.” Gabe studied him for a moment. “You’re okay with that?”

“I’m not interested in kissing Kai.”

“I wasn’t talking about the Kai part.”

Connor narrowed his eyes because he didn’t care for Gabe’s tone. 

Gabe’s hands flew up defensively. “I’m just saying...”

“I know what you’re saying.”

“You know what I think.”

Connor nodded slightly.

He knew. They hadn’t talked about it, but he knew. Gabe’s face always gave him away.

Gabe tilted his head like he was trying to see through the door. “Kai’s cute. I totally would’ve gotten it if that had been Evan.”

“Evan’s cute.”

The words flew out of Connor before he could process them. It was like there something in him, something that made him feel like he had to defend Evan’s...

Evan’s what?

Cuteness?

He thought Evan was cute?

He shook his head. He had eyes. Of course, he thought Evan was cute. 

It was an observation. It was just something he’d noticed.

Because he had eyes that worked properly. 

Eyes that had noticed Kai was hot and Seth’s curls were adorable and Cole looked like a frog when he ate.

He swallowed sharply when he saw the way Gabe was smiling at him. Like all of that had just played out on his face.

He was suddenly struck by an overwhelming urge to end the call.

He glanced over his shoulder at the closed door. “I think our food’s here.”

“That was fast.”

“Alfie’s is right around the corner.”

“Really fast,” Gabe laughed. “Do they have some kind of super fryer?”

Connor wrinkled his nose. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Gabe forced himself to stop laughing. He flashed a quick peace sign. “Peace out.”

The call ended.

Connor closed his laptop and stood up. 

And then he sat back down because he wasn’t ready to venture out yet. Venturing out would mean seeing Kai and seeing Kai would make him think about things he didn’t feel like thinking about.

He opened his history book and stared blankly at it until he heard the front door open.

There was a moment of silence when the play was over. It was so silent they could hear a pin drop.

It was like they’d all be hypnotized. 

Or stunned. Connor thought it was safe to say they’d all been stunned into silence.

He didn’t understand anything he’d just seen. He just knew he was making it his life’s mission to take every class Professor Mansfield taught. 

Every class he taught for the next three semesters, that was.

Connor made a mental note to slip the professor a therapist’s business card after he took his last final. 

He kept that thought to himself because he could see there were people near him who had truly been blown away by Mansfield’s brilliance.

The people he’d come with were not amongst them. 

That was a good thing, actually.

It made Connor feel like their post-show conversations wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as the pre-show ones had been.

Jared looked like he was too stunned to keep making snide comments about Wyatt’s presence. 

That was definitely a good thing.

None of them said a word until they were outside.

And then they all started talking at once.

“That was...” Evan shook his head dazedly.

“Wow,” was all Kai had to say.

Wyatt’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. “What was that?”

Zoe nuzzled up against his arm. “I’m never getting those two hours back.”

“But would you want to?” Jared grinned. He grinned so widely it was like he’d forgotten to be jealous.

The show must’ve traumatized him more than Connor had thought.

Jared threw a hand across his forehead and started to sway. “The flies... Someone must do something about the flies!”

Zoe jumped and started smacking herself like she was being attacked by an entire swarm. “They’re everywhere!”

Jared’s grin flickered and fell. He shoved his hands in his pockets so roughly Connor expected to hear something rip.

The jealousy was back.

Zoe closed her eyes and wrapped an arm around Wyatt’s waist.

Evan cleared his throat. “Was that by the same guy who wrote the show we went to freshman year?”

Connor snorted. “Yeah.”

“That must’ve been some childhood.”

Jared froze in his tracks. “Wait. There was another show?”

Connor nodded. “The first one was more realistic than-”

“Who is this guy?” Jared demanded. “He teaches English here?”

Connor nodded again. “I’ve taken a couple of his classes.”

“I must find him and follow him. He is my leader now.”

Kai beamed like he hadn’t heard a word anyone was saying. He pocketed his phone and rubbed his hands together. “Well, that was fun. I think I have enough for my paper now.”

“You’re in his class too?” Jared shrieked.

Kai shook his head. “I’m in Hoffman’s class. He hates Mansfield, so he said he’d give extra credit to anyone who wrote a review of Mansfield’s show. I think I have enough to sufficiently trash it now.”

“Let me know if you don’t,” Zoe said. “I have a lot of thoughts about that.”

Kai smiled and nodded at the building to their right. “That’s me. Later, gators.”

Jared stared after him. “How does he do that?”

“Do what?” Evan asked.

“Sound cool when he says stuff like that. ‘Later, gators.’ I would’ve sounded like a...” Jared stopped himself when he remembered Zoe was still there.

And Wyatt.

Connor thought Wyatt’s presence was what was really making Jared be careful with his words.

Zoe stroked Wyatt’s arm when they reached a fork in the road. “It’s getting late.”

Connor felt a twinge of sympathy when he saw how sick that made Jared look.

Jared grabbed Evan’s arm and practically dragged him over to the bulletin board outside Levy Hall.

Zoe let go of Wyatt and stepped over to Connor. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Sure,” Connor shrugged. It seemed like a weird thing to thank him for since he hadn’t actually invited them.

Zoe had invited herself when she’d heard where he was going.

Because of Wyatt.

Because she wanted him to get to know Wyatt.

Because they’d somehow reached a point where his sister felt like he should get to know her significant others. 

Connor wasn’t really sure when or how that had happened.

It was okay though.

He coughed and leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “Wyatt seems nice.”

She smiled because that had been even more awkward than he’d thought it would be.

She patted his shoulder and turned to go.

And then there were three.

Or, rather, two.

Evan was gone.

Connor blinked when he saw that.

He blinked at Jared when he appeared at his side. “Where-”

“To the laboratory!” Jared cried. He rolled his eyes. “A fungus sprouted or something. I don’t know. Evan got a text from Diana and away he went.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jared huffed. “Okay, how is it that Evan has more friends than us?”

Connor simply blinked.

“Than me,” Jared corrected. “How is it that Evan has more friends than me?”

“You mean Diana?”

“And Meg and George.” Jared drawled George’s name in a way that made Connor’s stomach twist.

“They’re working on a project together. They’re-”

“They’re friends,” Jared maintained. 

“You don’t have any friends in your program?”

Jared pursed his lips. “Do you?”

“Not really,” Connor admitted.

“Yeah,” Jared sighed. He spun around like he was looking for something. “Where do you think Kai was going?”

“What is with your Kai obsession?”

“I’m not obsessed! I’m just...”

“You have a crush on him,” Connor teased. He only sort of meant it as a joke.

“I...” Jared puffed his cheeks out. “I don’t have a... It’s not the kind of crush I actually want to do anything about. Seriously. I’m not at all... And it’s not like he...”

“He kissed Evan.”

That had been the wrong thing to say.

And not just because it wasn’t Connor’s story to tell.

Jared looked like he was about to explode. “What? When? How? Why?”

Connor threw his hands up defensively. “Last summer.”

He chewed his lip. “And that’s all you’re getting from me.”

Jared was silent for a minute.

For an entire minute.

It would’ve been a relief, except Connor knew better than to feel relieved. 

Something was coming. 

His mouth twisted to the side while he waited.

“It’s not so much a crush as it is a...” Jared started out slowly. He took a breath and held it before letting it escape. “Kai’s just... He floats, you know. He’s the kind of guy who just seems to float through life. Like nothing fazes him, like he knows it’ll all work out.” 

Connor nodded slightly.

“It didn’t even bother him when I killed him,” Jared laughed. “I told you that, didn’t I? I killed Kai when we played Gotcha last week.”

“You told me.”

Jared didn’t seem at all deterred by that.

Which wasn’t a surprise because he loved recounting how he’d killed Kai in the middle of the quad.

Connor could only take it so much.

He cut Jared off in the middle of his story. “Yeah, but you only lasted what? Two more rounds after that?”

“Something like that,” Jared muttered.

“Zoe told me you were her easiest kill,” Connor smirked. “By far.”

“She said that?” Jared breathed.

Connor snorted when he saw Jared’s expression.

The dreamy look on Jared’s face disappeared the second he realized Connor was laughing at him. “At least mine knows how I feel.”

Connor stopped in his tracks. “What?”

“Zoe. She knows.”

“You told her?”

Jared wrinkled his nose. “Not with words, exactly, but... She knows.”

Connor nodded because she did. 

Jared’s smile was annoyingly smug when he looked at Connor again. “George was meeting them too, just so you know.”

Connor’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t like where this was heading. “He’s in their group.”

“Yeah, but...” Jared’s face twisted into an expression of fake sympathy. “You’re okay with all that?”

Connor decided not to play dumb. “With Evan and George?”

Jared nodded excitedly.

Connor shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because...” Jared paused like he was considering his words very carefully. 

And then his face lit up like he’d decided to screw that. “You-”

Connor decided not to give him a chance to finish that thought. “If George makes Evan happy, then-”

“So, you’re saying you’re a better person than I am? Because you can be happy for Evan while I-”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Jared snapped his fingers. “So, you agree our situations are the same.”

“If by the same you mean you’re two steps away from becoming a creepy stalker-”

Jared let out a loud harrumph. 

“-and I’m supportive of my best friend – who I am not in any way, shape, form-”

Jared snorted. “I’m not stalking Zoe.”

“Yet,” Connor said.

“I would never... If she’s happy, then...” Jared shrugged. “I’m just being... you know.”

“Yeah.”

Jared chewed his lip. “So, how long do you think it’ll take Evan and George to get their heads out of their asses and admit they like each other?”

Connor played with the string on his hoodie. “I have no idea.”

“I bet George makes the first move.”

“Really?” Connor laughed.

“Process of elimination. Always bet against Evan when it comes to these things.”

“I bet Evan will go first. George looks like he’s scared of his shadow.”

“Uh, hi? Have you met Evan? He isn’t exactly the daredevil type.”

“Yeah, but compared to George...”

Jared stuck out his hand. “You want to bet for real?”

Connor almost went cross eyed as he stared at Jared’s hand. “On who makes the first move?”

Jared nodded eagerly. “I’ll bet you twenty bucks it’ll be George.”

Connor folded his arms across his chest. “That’s messed up.”

“Because Evan’s your friend or because the subject’s a sensitive one for you?”

Connor met his stare. He didn’t look away. He didn’t lower his eyes when Jared found a way to smirk even harder.

He knew what Jared was getting at.

It was the same thing Gabe had been getting at.

It was tempting to think Jared was just joking around. 

It was terrifying to think that wasn’t all he was doing.

Connor shook his hand. “You’re on.”

Evan slammed the door shut when he stormed into the room.

And then he froze and looked over his shoulder before opening the door and closing it softly.

He nodded to himself.

Connor chuckled when their eyes met.

That only seemed to irritate Evan more. He jabbed a finger in Connor’s direction. “You got in my head.”

Connor decided to make a guess. “George?”

Evan threw himself on his bed. “Why did you have to tell me all those things?”

“What things?”

“That George likes me, that I like him, that you and Jared made a freaking bet about it.”

“Oh,” Connor nodded. “Those things.”

Evan pulled himself up. “Yeah. Those things. I totally freaked myself out today and it’s all your fault.”

“And Jared’s,” Connor hissed.

“Mostly yours. Like 99%. Jared’s not the one telling me things to trip me up.”

“I wasn’t trying to trip you up.”

Evan flopped back down. “This is a disaster.”

“What did you do?”

Evan groaned into his pillow. “Nothing.”

“So, I can’t go collect from Jared then?”

Evan pointed at him again. “I’m not winning your bet for you.”

“I’m not asking you to! Don’t do it unless you want to.”

“Because otherwise it’s creepy?”

“Yeah.”

Evan sighed at the ceiling.

Connor took that as his cue to go back to his book.

Jared ran over to Connor so quickly the contents of his cup splashed onto both of their shoes. “Hey, a thought.” 

Connor made a show of stomping his feet. “You finally had one?”

“No! Yes. Wait.” Jared put a hand on the banister to steady himself. “I had a thought.”

“About time.”

Jared waved his hand impatiently. “We should make a bet.”

“Not another bet,” Connor groaned.

“A pact then. Neither of us is going to leave this party alone.”

Connor glanced around wildly. “What?”

“I was just thinking about how Zoe’s probably off with Wyatt and Evan left with George and-”

“Evan what?”

“Left with George.” Jared shook his head. “Where have you been?”

Connor gestured around the room. “Here.”

“You didn’t look out the window and see them...” Jared sighed heavily. “I’m lonely.”

“I’m not.”

“Really lonely.”

Connor jumped backwards. “How lonely are we talking?”

It took Jared a second to get that. He looked like he was going to vomit when he did.

That may have been from all the alcohol though.

He pretended to vomit into his hand. “Never.”

“Just checking.”

“Why? Would you be...” Jared’s mouth snapped shut. “I’m going to go talk to other people now.”

“I think that’s wise.”

Jared snapped his fingers at him. “The pact. Don’t forget.”

Connor didn’t bother reminding him he hadn’t agreed to the pact. He didn’t expect Jared to remember it in the morning.

He downed the rest of his drink and made his way through the crowd to get another.

He wasn’t as drunk as Jared, but he was getting there. 

It was a celebration. It was Aimee’s 21st birthday.

Sort of. They were celebrating it a month early because Aimee refused to compete with Christmas.

It was still a celebration though and Connor felt like getting wasted. He promised himself he’d get wasted.

That was the only pact he was willing to make. 

It didn’t take long for Connor to reach his goal.

He laughed at himself when he realized how quickly he’d gotten drunk and then he laughed at himself for laughing at himself and then he...

At least it was the kind of buzz that put him in a good mood. He was grateful for that.

He looped around the party as many times as his body would let him. He didn’t talk to anyone. He wasn’t really in a talking kind of mood.

He ended up on the porch because he needed air. The pot smell was really starting to get to him.

He suddenly understood why other people complained when he smoked it. It smelled so much worse when other people were doing it.

He sat on the porch swing and swung until the movement made him sick. So, for about thirty seconds.

And then he sprawled out on the swing and rested his head on the pillow.

He tilted his head backwards to watch as two people came stumbling up the stairs to the house.

“So?” Mel chirped.

The guy shook his head. “Maybe. Let me look at it tomorrow. It’s hard to tell when it’s all...”

“Dark?” Mel giggled.

The guy snapped his fingers. “That.”

Mel giggled again when she spotted Connor. “Hey, have you met Conor?”

Connor shook his head because he was pretty sure that was the right response.

He frowned when he realized that question hadn’t been aimed at him.

Because he was Connor, so obviously he’d already met himself.

The guy sat next to him and extended his hand. “Hi.”

Connor slapped it, but he didn’t shake the top. “Hi.”

He woke up before the guy.

Which wasn’t really a surprise since he’d barely slept at all.

He tumbled out of bed and landed on the floor so loudly he couldn’t believe his luck when he saw the guy was still asleep.

Or maybe he was just pretending.

It made Connor feel a bit better to think maybe the guy didn’t feel like dealing with him either.

It made him feel better to think maybe the guy had forgotten his name too.

Evan snorted when he saw where Connor had taken him. “Seriously?”

“What? You like crepes.”

“I know I like crepes. That’s why I was excited to win that gift certificate.”

“So, what’s the problem then?”

“I won your bet for you and you’re treating me with a gift certificate that should’ve been mine?”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“I really should’ve won both gift certificates, so technically-”

“This again?”

Evan shrugged.

“And I thought we decided I wasn’t treating you.”

“I changed my mind.”

Connor stared at him for a beat. “You forgot your wallet, didn’t you?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Connor burst out laughing. “Okay, how am I more together than you are this morning?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, after the night I had, I should be the scatterbrained one who looks like he just rolled out of bed.”

“I did just roll out of bed,” Evan reminded him.

“I know, but...” Connor shook his head. “You must really have it bad for George, huh?”

Evan’s mouth opened and closed several times.

“You’re in love,” Connor teased.

“I am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am...” Evan closed his eyes and sighed. “It’s way, way too soon for all that.”

“Okay,” Connor relented. “You’re in like?”

Evan’s ears went red. “Yeah.”

Connor’s smile faded when he found himself thinking about what Jared would say if he were there. 

He tried to push that thought out of his head.

He tried to stop picturing the annoyingly, excessively sympathetic look Jared would try to give him.

There was nothing for Jared to feel sympathetic about. Nothing at all. Not even a little bit.

It was funny, actually. It was funny how people’s minds kept going straight to that.

Jared, Evan’s dad, his dad... There were others, he was sure. 

He didn’t feel like thinking about that though. 

It didn’t mean anything.

Connor jumped when he realized they’d somehow made it to the front of the line. He placed his order and stepped aside so Evan could do the same.

He didn’t pay with his gift certificate.

Evan laughed when he saw that. “Are you saving it for something special?”

He continued on before Connor could say he’d forgotten the certificate. “Or someone? For your friend from last night?”

“He’s not my friend,” Connor said quickly.

They sat down while they waited for their food.

“He’s your enemy? That went south fast.”

“It was nothing. It was the biggest nothing I’ve ever experienced.”

“The sex was that bad?”

Evan slumped down in his seat when the old lady sitting behind them turned around.

Connor would’ve been amused if he wasn’t the one receiving her full glare. He smiled and nodded and tried not to look like someone who had just had his first one-night stand.

Neither of them said a word until the lady stood up and went to the counter to collect her food.

Connor kept his voice at a whisper when he started talking again. “It was fine. Nothing spectacular, but...”

“Not something you want to repeat?”

“I don’t know about that,” Connor said. “His hands are really...”

He snorted when Evan covered his ears. “Okay, let the record show, you brought it up this time.”

“I know,” Evan muttered. “Maybe just don’t...”

“Don’t what?”

“I don’t know.”

Connor tapped his chin. “The sex was good. It was just the whole... I don’t know. There was no connection, so it was just that. Sex.”

“And that wasn’t enough?”

“Not really,” Connor shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe if you knew his name...”

“That probably would’ve helped actually.”

“And...” Evan glanced over his shoulder. “Was that our number?”

Connor thought that was a safe bet, seeing as how they were the only ones still waiting.

He slapped his forehead as they exited the shop. “We should’ve gotten a crepe for George.”

“For George?” Evan blinked.

“He likes crepes, doesn’t he? You said he was mad about losing the game. You thought it was because he wanted to come here.”

“Yeah. I mean, I guess...”

“You could’ve taken it to his room and fed it to him in bed.”

Evan made a face. “Don’t be gross.”

“You think the idea of feeding George is gross?”

“I said I’m in like, not...” Evan rolled his eyes when he realized Connor was joking. “At least I know my guy’s name.”

“So, he’s your guy then?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Sort of. We... It’s been, like, twelve hours.”

Connor tightened his hold on the bag and tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head. The one that sounded annoyingly like Jared’s. 

The one that was quick to point out that wasn’t a denial.


	23. Junior Year - December

Connor willed his phone to buzz. He closed his eyes and reached in his pocket and willed it to do something.

Ring, buzz, flash, anything that would give him an out.

Nothing.

He should’ve asked Evan to text him every ten minutes. 

He would’ve done it too. Evan loved having a reason to procrastinate when he was working on a presentation.

Connor took a breath and opened his eyes.

He hadn’t asked Evan for a reason. He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone where he was going.

Especially Evan.

Especially Evan?

He wasn’t sure why that was.

He shook his head to clear it.

He tried to focus on the guy sitting in front of him. 

Conor. 

Same name, different spelling. 

What a love story it could’ve been if they’d been even the slightest bit compatible.

They weren’t though. Their coffee date was more than confirming that. 

Connor tried to find a way to subtly check the time. He gave up trying to be subtle when he realized he really didn’t care what Conor thought. 

Twelve minutes.

It had only been twelve minutes. And that included the time it took them to place their orders.

Connor was really starting to regret getting a regular coffee. He could’ve chugged it if it had been iced. The brain freeze would’ve been worth it if it had gotten him out of there faster.

He drummed his fingers on the table. “Well, this has been...”

He didn’t know what it had been.

He also knew it wasn’t over yet. Unfortunately.

Conor’s mouth twisted like he was trying not to laugh. “What’s your last name?”

“Murphy,” Connor said automatically. “Why?”

Conor shrugged. “I was thinking maybe we should start using our last names around each other. It’d be less confusing.”

Connor struggled to keep his face blank because that made it sound like Conor thought this was becoming a thing. A recurring thing. An actual thing.

Connor scratched his neck and blew on his drink. “The other night was fun.”

“Yeah,” Conor breathed.

Their eyes met and...

Connor had to get out of there.

He wondered how close Conor was to Mel. He wondered how much that mattered to him. It wasn’t like he was that close to Mel.

She was just someone in his extended friend group. She was Ryan’s girlfriend’s best friend. 

He didn’t care if she got mad at him for ghosting her friend.

He clutched his drink and eyed the exit longingly. 

Conor chewed his lip. “It would be like Mulder and Scully.”

Connor blinked at that.

“_The X-Files_?” Conor said. “You know how they always called each other by their last names?”

Connor nodded slightly.

“It would be like that, except in reverse since we’ve already...” Conor smiled suggestively.

“So, we’d end up as what?” Connor frowned. “Friends? Partners? Two people who don’t know each other at all?”

“It wouldn’t have to go back that far,” Conor muttered.

Connor sighed and then frowned and then sighed again because what did it matter?

“My last name’s Rodriguez,” Conor said. “In case you want to use it.”

Connor did not want to use it. 

Conor was trying. He knew that. He got that. 

He just wasn’t feeling it at all. 

The more he thought about it, the more mediocre the sex got in his head. 

And there wasn’t anything that made him feel like it was something worth working on. 

His gut told him Conor felt the same way. The difference was that Conor felt like he had something to prove, like he had to show his friends he was capable of more than just one-night stands. 

Connor, on the other hand, had nothing to prove. He didn’t care what his friends thought.

Probably because he knew what they thought. Jared thought he’d be living the dream if he dated someone with the same name. 

And Evan...

He wasn’t exactly sure what Evan thought. He didn’t think Evan would give him a hard time if he decided to walk out on Conor though.

His phone buzzed. 

Evan had sent him a picture of his family’s Christmas card.

The sight of it made Connor choke on his drink. He would’ve been embarrassed if there wasn’t a part of him hoping the coffee dripping down his chin would be a major turnoff for Conor.

It wasn’t. 

Or if it was, Conor did a good job of hiding his disgust.

Connor decided to use the text as the out he’d been hoping for.

He made a face at his phone. “My roommate... I should probably go.”

He stood up and fumbled with his coat.

Conor stood up too. 

There was a bit of awkwardness as they gathered their things and crossed the shop and stepped out into the night.

And then the bit of awkwardness turned into a full-fledged awkward moment.

Conor looked at him and he looked at Conor and neither of them knew what to say or do.

Connor sipped his coffee. He really should’ve gone with a decaf. He hoped Evan was planning to stay up late because he had a feeling he was in for a chatty night.

He tried to look on the bright side. He felt like it was a good thing the chatty portion of the night hadn’t started yet. He didn’t want to say or do anything that would encourage Conor.

The feeling was not mutual.

Conor leaned forward like he was going to kiss him. He changed his mind before they made contact.

Or maybe he hadn’t been going for a kiss at all. Maybe he’d just lost his balance or felt the need to do some kind of weird lunging exercise.

Connor decided not to overthink that one. He muttered something about seeing Conor later and turned to go.

Conor didn’t chase after him.

He was thankful for that.

Evan hadn’t made any progress on his presentation.

Connor could tell that right away.

He could also tell that Evan had consumed too much caffeine too. In a way, that was a relief. It meant they were both in for a chatty night.

Evan jumped when the door opened. He jumped so high he almost fell off his chair. He gripped the sides of it and spun around. “Hi!”

“Hi,” Connor parroted. “You’re awake.”

He nodded at the Red Bull on the edge of Evan’s desk.

Evan chuckled and took a sip. “I’ve been mapping out my finals week schedule.”

There was a color-coded spreadsheet on Evan’s laptop. Connor snorted when he saw it. “You’ve been working on your schedule?”

Evan nodded eagerly.

“Instead of doing any actual studying?”

Evan’s face fell for a moment. “I had a very productive night.”

“A very productive night of working on your schedule?”

Evan made a face. “This will come in handy next week. You’ll see.”

“Don’t you have a presentation tomorrow?”

Evan’s face fell again. “Yeah...”

“Have you started it?”

“It’s done. Ish. Done-ish.”

“You want to practice it?”

Evan shook his head. “Where’ve you been?”

Connor waved his coffee.

“Isn’t it a little late for...” He snorted when Connor raised his eyebrows at the Red Bull. “Yeah, but I have a schedule to perfect.”

“And a presentation to finish,” Connor reminded him. 

The sound of his phone buzzing gave him an excuse to look away. 

He didn’t like the way Evan was studying him. It was like he got that there was something he wasn’t getting.

He threw his phone on his bed when he saw the text.

Conor thought they should do it again.

Connor was almost positive he meant go on another date. Not the other thing.

Evan crossed the room with a speed Connor had never seen him use. He saw the text right before the screen went black.

He grinned as he handed Connor his phone. “You were with-”

“He wore me down.”

Evan tilted his head. “He what?”

“I met up with him because he wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“That’s sweet.”

“That’s stalkerish.” 

“He’s trying something new. Isn’t that what he said?”

That was what Conor had said. 

Connor got what he meant and he got why he meant it. 

He got the whole idea of trying to be better, of thinking that conforming to other people’s standards made you better, of thinking that doing that would make you happier. 

He just didn’t want anything to do with Conor’s attempt.

And he really wasn’t sure why.

He scratched his neck and sipped his drink. “He wants to go out again.”

Evan didn’t look surprised. 

Because he’d seen the text. Or because he didn’t find it surprising that someone would want to go out with Connor again. Connor wasn’t sure which.

“Are you going to?”

Connor shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Maybe it’ll get better. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to someone.”

Connor knew that in theory, but he’d never really tested it out. He usually went with his gut. He either felt comfortable with someone or he didn’t.

He knew that was stupid though. It wasn’t like his gut was always right.

“Like George, for example,” Evan went on. “I almost wrote him off and now...”

“Things are good?”

Evan stared at his hands. “Ish? I don’t know. We text a lot.”

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. He’d definitely noticed that. “Do you send him tree pictures too?”

Evan blinked like that hadn’t occurred to him. “Do you think I should?”

Connor shook his head. “That’s our thing.”

“I thought about it actually,” Evan admitted. “I took the shortcut behind the library the other day and there was this bush-”

“The purple one?” 

Evan idly tapped his phone. “I sent it to you, didn’t I?”

Connor nodded.

“I almost sent it to George too, but then I thought he might think that was weird.”

Connor wondered what it said about him that Evan didn’t think it was weird to send him pictures of random shrubs. 

He wondered what it said about them.

He pushed that thought aside. “What do you two text about then?”

Evan spun around to face his laptop. “Stuff.”

“Like?”

Evan shrugged. “Like... you know.”

“I don’t actually, hence the question.”

“Our project, our final, things like that.”

“So, it’s all school-related then?”

“A lot of it is,” Evan muttered. “We talk about other things too, like what we’re watching. He keeps trying to get me to watch _Battlestar Galactica_.”

“You’ve watched _Battlestar Galactica_,” Connor reminded him.

They both had. More than once, thanks to Chris and Seth.

“Yeah, but he keeps going on about how I need to watch it again because I don’t, like, appreciate it enough or something.”

“He said that?”

Evan nodded. “I have the texts to prove it.”

“Have you actually...”

“Actually what?”

Connor waved his cup before he chucked it in the trash. “Gotten coffee or something?”

“Is that a euphemism for something?”

Connor snorted. “Not unless it should be.”

Evan shook his head. “We just text.”

“And study,” Connor added.

“And study,” Evan nodded. “And we held hands once.”

“And you kissed?” 

“Yeah,” Evan shrugged. “We did that too.”

“We should go out,” Connor decided. “The four of us.”

Evan raised his eyebrows. “You’ve decided to give Conor another try then?”

He chuckled when he heard himself. “Wow does that sound weird.”

“You’re telling me,” Connor muttered. “But, yeah, that would solve both of our problems.”

“George and I don’t have a problem!” Evan bit his lip. “What do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know.” Connor tapped his chin. “I’ll get back to you.”

Connor gave it a minute before reaching for his phone. He knew Evan had heard him because he could hear Evan.

The laughter. He could hear Evan laughing for no good reason.

He sighed and unlocked his phone. _What’s so funny?_

He heard Evan’s phone chirp across the room. He saw it light up when Evan managed to stop laughing long enough to check.

Evan sat up and stared at him like he’d lost his mind. “Why are you texting me?”

Connor bolted up too. “You didn’t answer my question!”

Evan stared at his hands. “Nothing.”

“You’re laughing about nothing?”

Evan nodded and shook his head and threw himself back onto his pillow.

Connor didn’t press. He didn’t need to press.

He didn’t know what had happened, exactly, but he had his suspicions. He’d known something was up when Evan didn’t come home right after his biology final. 

He’d really known something was up when Evan slunk into the room without saying a word.

He was pretty sure he knew what had happened and who it happened with.

He just wondered why it was so funny.

“Hey!”

Cole’s voice cut through the room like a knife.

Connor wasn’t the only one who groaned. 

It was way too late for whatever chores Cole was about to dole out.

Cole’s lips pursed like he knew he was fighting a losing battle. “This party wasn’t my idea.”

He narrowed his eyes at Evan like it had been his.

Which it kind of had been.

The party had originally been meant to give everyone a chance to say goodbye to Diana before she moved back to England. 

It had changed several times as the night went on, but that had been the original plan.

And the original plan had been Evan’s. Or possibly Meg’s.

It definitely hadn’t been George’s.

“We can clean up tomorrow,” Evan pointed out.

Cole threw a rag at Seth’s head. “Uh-uh. I know how that’ll play out. You all will head out of here without doing a thing and it’ll all be on me to-”

“You know for a guy who’s finally getting laid, you’re still really...” Jared met Ryan’s glare with one of his own. “What? We’re all thinking it.”

Connor wasn’t the only one who stared at his hands.

Kai broke the silence. “He’s getting married. That doesn’t mean he’s...”

He tilted his head at Cole. “Are you?”

“I bet he’s getting married so he can...” Chris slapped a hand across his mouth. “Did I say that out loud?”

Cole’s face turned so red that Connor actually felt sorry for him.

Jared stared at him in disbelief. “You know you don’t have to get married so you can-”

“What’s she like?” Connor blurted out. “Your fiancée.”

He scratched his neck when Ryan gave him a grateful smile. 

He narrowed his eyes when Evan looked at him like he couldn’t believe he was trying to save Cole.

Evan caught his eye and snorted. The laughter was contagious. Connor tried to hide it with his hand.

“The four of us should do something next semester,” Ryan said brightly. “It’s about time one of you losers-”

“Became surgically attached to a girl?” Kai grinned.

“Or a guy,” Ryan shrugged. “I’m just saying it’ll be nice to have another couple around.”

Cole beamed like that made everything okay.

The rest of them took advantage of his distraction and scurried into their rooms before he could start handing out assignments.

The suite was clean when they woke up.

The double date with Evan and George was even more awkward than Connor had expected.

It actually wasn’t his fault though.

Or Conor’s.

Or even George’s.

Evan was definitely to blame.

Connor wasn’t surprised when Evan ran away to hide in the bathroom. 

That was the smartest thing any of them had done all night.

It had gotten cold while they were in the bistro.

Colder. It had already been cold when they’d left school.

Connor shivered and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So.”

Evan glanced at him quickly. “So?”

“I don’t think I’m going to be hearing from Conor again.”

“Should I say I’m sorry?”

“No,” Connor laughed. “Should I say I’m sorry about George?”

Evan snorted. “No.”

“That could’ve gone better.”

“You think?” Evan hissed.

“It could’ve gone worse too. At least we didn’t actually have to do anything.”

“You don’t think they heard us, do you?”

“In the bathroom?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know how voices travel in there.”

“It would be a really bad design if noises from the bathroom travelled out into the bistro.”

“I guess,” Evan muttered.

“Do you want me to ask Conor if they heard us?”

Evan choked at that. “What?”

“I don’t care if I burn that bridge.”

Evan shook his head frantically. “I don’t think I really want to know.”

“I’m sure they didn’t.”

“Okay...”

“And if they did-”

“It would’ve crushed George if he heard what I said.”

Connor froze in his tracks. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“It would’ve crushed me and I am George, so...”

“You’re not George.”

“We’re basically the same.”

“You can’t know how he’d react to something like that though.”

Evan’s breath misted out in front of him when he exhaled. “I do though. I mean... It’s like I know there are all these things about me that are just... I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I found George so annoying and we’re the same and-”

“You’re not the same. And you’re not annoying.”

“Well, of course, you’d say that,” Evan snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know,” Evan mumbled. “It’s just... If I couldn’t force myself to put up with him, how can I possibly expect someone to want to put up with me?”

Evan squeezed his eyes shut. 

It took all of Connor’s willpower not to pat his arm. Or squeeze it or do something to comfort him.

Because that would be weird and not comforting at all.

He cleared his throat. “You shouldn’t want someone to put up with you.”

Evan snorted. “Because it’s that unlikely?”

“Because...”

Because Evan should want someone who didn’t just put up with him. Because Evan deserved someone who didn’t just put up with him. Because putting up with Evan wasn’t a problem at all. It was a privilege. 

Connor shrugged.

His brain refused to put that sentiment into words that didn’t sound like they’d been pulled out of a Hallmark card.

Evan pointed at Vietnamese restaurant across the street. “Are you still hungry?”

“We didn’t actually eat,” Connor reminded him.

“I know.”

“You want to eat Vietnamese food?”

Evan grinned when their eyes met. “I want to try something new.” 

It always felt weird to go home. Not a bad weird, necessarily. It was just an adjustment.

Christmas was weird that year because it was quiet.

Connor never would’ve thought he’d miss being dragged to a dozen family events. 

His family stayed home on Christmas because his grandfather’s death had changed things. 

It had quieted them down.

The house felt empty without their parents.

Connor blinked at Zoe and Zoe blinked at him.

“So.”

“So?” Connor shrugged.

“What’s for dinner?”

They ended up at Louie’s because it was the only place they could ever agree on.

Zoe abandoned him the second they stepped inside. She didn’t do it on purpose. It was like she was a moth and her friends were the flame.

She half-heartedly told him he could join them.

He shook his head and went to the counter instead.

Because he had a friend there too.

Alana smiled when she spotted him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Connor greeted. “I didn’t know you work here.”

Alana rolled her eyes. “I don’t. I just fill in sometimes.”

“Oh.”

She leaned back to call into the kitchen. “I’m taking my break.”

She hopped onto the stool next to him without waiting for a response. “Did I ever finish telling you about the thing with the golden hand?”

Connor shook his head because he wasn’t sure.

Alana rubbed her hands together before launching into her story.

Connor really should’ve known better.

Things had been going too well.

Their parents had been gone for three days and the house was still standing and they hadn’t gotten into any major fights.

He should’ve known it was only a matter of time before something screwed things up.

He hadn’t expected one of his freaking video games to be the cause though.

He knew Zoe didn’t like them. He didn’t think she actively disliked them though. He’d just thought she found them stupid or boring or something like that.

He hadn’t thought there were any negative memories attached to them.

He should’ve known better.

He didn’t though, so it caught him by surprise when she got upset. 

He didn’t remember throwing the controller at her head.

Or, rather, he did, but he didn’t remember it the way she did.

Which made it feel worse somehow.

He took off right after she did.

He closed himself in the laundry room and breathed in the fabric softener and tried to let the scent calm him the way it had when he was a child.

It only took a minute. His heart was pounding too fast for it take more than that.

He breezed past Evan and Jared without looking at them.

He didn’t have to look at them to know what was going through their minds. He knew Jared was confused and Evan was uncertain.

Uncertain to the point of being nervous.

He pushed that thought away and went to find Zoe.

It didn’t take long.

She was sitting in the living room, staring blankly at the tv.

She didn’t look up when he came in. “The ball’s going to drop soon.”

Connor nodded. He’d figured as much. “Do you think Mom and Dad are watching?”

Zoe snorted and drummed her fingers on the remote. “You think they’re watching tv while they’re on vacation?”

“Mom loves watching the ball drop.”

“Yeah, but...”

Connor couldn’t resist giving her an evil smile. “You think they’re doing the thing you walked in on when we were-”

Zoe covered her ears and started to hum.

Connor lifted his arm to elbow her, but changed his mind.

Not the time.

So not the time.

He took a breath and stared at her until she stopped singing. “I’m sorry.”

She stared at him for a beat. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”

“For throwing the controller at you four years ago.”

“Three,” Zoe corrected.

Connor shook his head. “Four.”

Zoe raised her eyebrows at him. “Are you really going to fight me on this?”

Connor lifted his hands in surrender, even though he was positive it had been four.

He cleared his throat. “I’d say I didn’t mean it, but...”

“You did.” Zoe closed her eyes. “I know you did.”

“I just...”

“Got so mad sometimes,” Zoe huffed. “I know. I’ve heard the excuses.”

Connor blinked at the tv. He didn’t know what else to say.

“It was my fault, really,” Zoe sighed. “I should’ve known better than to play with you when you were like that.”

“Like what?”

“High to the point you couldn’t even see straight.” She twisted around to face him. “That’s the only reason I beat you. That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?”

Connor shook his head. “You could always hold your own against me.”

Zoe folded her arms across her chest and stared at the tv.

Connor closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Connor whacked his pillow and rolled over again. 

It was late.

Well past midnight.

He should be tired.

He was tired, just not enough to fall asleep.

Evan was in the same boat.

He knew that even though neither of them had said a word in over ten minutes.

He rolled over so his head was on the edge of his bed. “I feel like we should be doing something.”

Evan blinked up at him. “Something like?”

“Like this is a sleepover, so we should be...” He narrowed his eyes when Evan started laughing. “What?”

“You realize we share a room most of the time, don’t you?”

“I know,” Connor snapped. “This is different.”

“Because we’re at your house?”

“Exactly.”

Evan considered that for a moment. “You want me to braid your hair?”

Connor made a face. “No.”

“You want to prank call people?”

“It’s, like, 2 AM.”

“What better time to prank call people?”

“Who would we prank call?”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “My mom?”

“You want to prank call your mom at 2 AM?”

“This might be a bad idea.”

“Might?” Connor laughed.

“She’d think it was funny tomorrow.” Evan tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Of course, we might not live to see tomorrow if we call.”

“I think I’m going to veto the whole prank call idea.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “What do you want to do then? Play truth or dare?”

“I don’t have the energy to do any dares.”

“All truth then?”

“Isn’t that just talking?”

Evan snapped his fingers. “Which is what we’re already doing, so...”

Connor reached back to grab a card off his nightstand. “Did you ever read our newsletter?”

“The one your mom wrote?”

Connor nodded. “I spent all this time agonizing over what to put in it and-”

“You were agonizing over that?”

“Thinking about it,” Connor corrected. “I spent all this time thinking about it and she put one sentence in there about me.”

Evan nodded knowingly. “That you’re a junior and are planning to become a librarian.”

“My whole life boiled down to one sentence.”

“That’s not your whole life.”

“It’s the only thing that matters to the people who get this thing.”

“Yeah, but how many people do you think actually read it?”

Connor put the card back. “Don’t say that to my mom.”

“What would you have put in it if she’d let you choose?”

“I don’t know,” Connor sighed. “That was the problem.”

“Let’s see...” Evan tapped his fingers together. “That you had a failed attempt at a one-night stand with a guy named Conor?”

He cackled when Connor narrowed his eyes. “That you’re terrified of that scary girl in your study group?”

“That’s you.”

“It’s you too,” Evan insisted. “You told me about... What’s her name? The girl with the... you know.”

“I’m not scared of Daisy!”

Evan snapped his fingers when he came up with another one. “That you’re going to be Cole’s best man?”

Connor jabbed a finger in Evan’s direction. “Take that back.”

“Who else do you think he’s going to ask?”

“Jared?”

Evan made a face. “That you finally learned how to do laundry?”

“That was an accomplishment!”

“That I mastered when I was fourteen!” Evan closed his eyes to avoid Connor’s glare. “That you have successfully managed to mix up every pair of socks you own?”

“It looks better that way.”

“That you-”

Connor put up a hand to stop him. “That’s enough.”

“Okay.” He propped himself up on his elbows and grinned at Connor. “So, obviously, I should write your blurb next year, right?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Obviously.”


	24. Junior Year - January

Connor checked his phone one more time before he got out of the car.

_It’s the white house on the left. You can’t miss it. There are Angel Barbies hanging from all the trees._

That settled it. 

He definitely had the right place.

The door opened as soon as he reached the top step. The man on the other side looked even more surprised to see him than Connor was to see the man.

The man’s surprise quickly melted away. He gave Connor the warmest smile he’d ever seen. “Hello.”

“Hello,” Connor parroted. 

The man glanced over his shoulder. “Which one are you here to see?”

Connor scratched his neck. “Um...”

“He’s here for me, Daddy.” 

Connor relaxed when Alana popped up behind her father. He allowed himself to be ushered into the house.

It seemed smaller inside than it did outside. Probably because of the number of people packed in the living room.

Connor glanced at Alana in surprise. He hadn’t been expecting a party.

Alana smiled tightly. “My room’s downstairs.”

That was a relief. Connor really wasn’t in the mood to handle a crowd.

Alana’s room wasn’t what Connor expected. It was cluttered and chaotic and dark. Its main source of light came from the tiny window next to the washer. It got a bit brighter when Alana plugged in the Christmas lights she’d strewn around the basement. 

Alana chewed her lip like she knew what Connor was thinking. “It’s a mess, I know. I haven’t had time to clean.” 

“It’s fine,” Connor assured her. “I’ve seen worse.”

Alana plopped down on her bed. “Let me see where I put it.”

He waited while she felt around for the book she’d told him about.

He listened to the commotion above their heads. It sounded like the ceiling was about to cave in. Alana didn’t look at all fazed by the noise, so Connor decided it must be the norm.

She popped up triumphantly and handed him the book. “I knew I shoved it down there somewhere.”

The book was old and dusty and had something to do with being a librarian. Alana had picked it up at a yard sale after reading his family’s newsletter.

Connor didn’t think he’d ever read it, but he appreciated the sentiment. He put it in his bag. “Thanks.”

Alana twiddled her thumbs and leaned back against the wall. “You can go if you want. I’m going to hide down here for a few minutes.”

Something crashed above their heads.

Alana didn’t move at all.

“Is it always like this?” Connor wondered.

“On Sundays,” Alana nodded. “We have a family dinner every Sunday.”

“Oh.”

Connor couldn’t imagine his family being that loud, even if all the cousins showed up.

“You can stay if you want,” Alana offered.

“For family dinner?”

“It’s not just for family.” Alana grinned at his expression. “You thought I was related to all those people?”

Connor shrugged.

“Most of them are my sisters’ friends.” Alana wiggled her feet as she stretched them out in front of her. “They’re the reason I used to hate Sunday night dinners when I was younger.”

“Because they’re loud?”

“That and...” Alana bit her lip. “I didn’t really have anyone to invite. Tracy came sometimes, but other than that...”

Connor felt that. 

Alana smiled like she knew what he was thinking. “You want to help me pack?”

“You’re going back to school already?”

Alana shook her head. “I’m going to go stay with Tracy in Georgia for a few weeks. She went back to take a winterim class.”

“Oh. So, things are good there?”

He didn’t know why he was asking. He knew things were good between them. Alana had told him as much and he’d seen it with his own two eyes.

“Very,” Alana beamed. “The distance is hard sometimes, but we’re making it work. It helps that we’re both low maintenance.”

She narrowed her eyes when Connor tried to hide his amusement. “In the relationship sense. We’re both fine being on our own most of the time.”

She held up two shirts. “What do you think?”

She rolled her eyes when Connor merely blinked. “Take both. Good plan.”

Connor snorted. “You want me to call Zoe? She’d give better fashion advice than I would.”

“If I wanted fashion advice, I’d ask my sisters.” Alana put a hand on her hip and surveyed the room. “Do you have any book recommendations? I’m going to need things to do while Tracy’s in class.”

“I’ll send you a list.”

Alana nodded vaguely. Her head tilted as she squinted at something by the stairs. “What about you? What are you doing for the next few weeks?”

“Nothing,” Connor shrugged.

Alana snapped upright. “Nothing? You shouldn’t be doing nothing. You-”

“I’m on break.”

“Yeah, but...” Alana shook her head sadly. “You should be doing things, taking classes, working on your resume. You have started your resume, haven’t you?”

Connor folded his arms across his chest and nodded.

“Good,” Alana sighed. “Do you want me to...”

She pursed her lips when he shook his head. And then she sighed. Really sighed. Her whole body seemed to deflate. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

“Are you capable of doing anything else?”

“Not really,” Alana grinned. “I worry.”

“I know.”

“About everything and everyone and...” Her head tilted back when a particularly loud bang sounded upstairs. “They better not start clog dancing again.”

She gestured around the room. “I was so mad when I had to move down here, but then it became my sanctuary. Except when that’s going on.”

She pointed at the ceiling, at the board that was squeaking ominously. “I could die down here and they wouldn’t even notice until someone had to do laundry.”

Connor struggled to keep his eyes from bulging. “Okay, that was, uh-”

“Unexpectedly dark,” Alana finished. “Yeah. I have a dark side sometimes.”

She closed her eyes when something fell above her head. “Alicia always says I’m being too dramatic when I say things like that, but... I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve noticed. No one ever really checks up on me because I’m the good kid. The low maintenance one. Alice set the bar pretty low for the rest of us. Even Alicia managed to jump it.”

She smiled at Connor’s confusion. “Don’t get pregnant. Or, in Alan’s case, don’t get anyone pregnant. That was it. Not that that was ever really a possibility as far as I was concerned, but you know.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“It’s like no matter what I do with my life, that will always be my biggest accomplishment in my parents’ minds.” Alana rolled her eyes. “Okay, now I really am being dramatic.”

She hopped across the room and started fumbling through her drawers.

Connor didn’t know what to say.

He knew where she was coming from. Not from personal experience. From things Zoe had said over the years.

He knew Zoe saw herself that way sometimes. The good kid. The low maintenance one. The one who wasn’t a stoner screwup. 

He knew he’d set the bar pretty low for her.

He didn’t say that out loud. 

He pushed that thought away because he didn’t feel like going down that road.

He never felt like going down that road.

Alana pulled something out of her dresser. “Do you think I should take this?”

Connor didn’t even bother looking at it. “Yeah. Definitely.”

Connor cursed when the ginger ale spilled out of his glass and onto the counter. He dropped the bottle so quickly that some of it spilled too.

It figured.

It was that kind of night.

He grabbed a dish towel and sopped up the worst of it. 

And then he leaned against the sink and closed his eyes and listened to the laughter coming from the dining room.

It was enough to make him sick.

Hence the ginger ale.

Ginger ale was the one soda that was always allowed in his house. It was his family’s cure all. 

Have a stomachache? Ginger ale.

Headache? Ginger ale.

Fever? Ginger ale.

Cold? Ginger ale.

Bad day? Ginger ale.

The kind of existential angst and dread that can only come from being around your enemies? Ginger ale.

Connor drank to that last one.

He silently toasted Zoe when she walked into the kitchen.

She took one look at him and sighed and poured a glass too. “I hate the Harrises.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are we friends with them?”

Connor gestured between them. “We’re not.”

“Right,” Zoe sighed. “Anthony's in fine form tonight.”

Connor sipped his drink.

Zoe chuckled when he poured some more. “I’m surprised you didn’t go for something stronger than that.”

Connor hadn’t wanted to give their guests the satisfaction of seeing him with a drink in his hand.

Zoe checked her phone. “Evan’s on his way.”

Connor jolted at that. “What?”

“I called him. He-”

“You called him?”

Zoe tilted her head. “You’ve been asking him to come here all night. I saw the texts.”

Connor decided not to argue. 

There was no point in arguing. He had been texting Evan all night.

He didn’t know why. 

Or, actually, he did. He needed backup and Zoe wasn’t cutting it.

And it wasn’t weird to want your best friend around when you were filled with the kind of existential angst and dread that could only come from being around your enemies.

“He answered you?”

He reached for his phone.

Nothing. 

Evan hadn’t bothered answering even one of his texts.

Zoe shrugged. “He’s on his way.”

Pouncing on Evan may not have been the best way to get the Harrises to leave him alone, but it did the trick.

So there really were no regrets there.

On Connor’s end, at least. Evan didn’t exactly seem thrilled by the way things had played out.

Connor couldn’t say he blamed him. He probably wouldn’t have been thrilled either.

He peered out the window. Brad and Anthony hadn’t left yet. The flashy gold car they’d pulled up in was still at the base of the driveway.

He pulled the curtains shut and turned around to face Evan.

He blinked when he saw how red Evan had gotten. “What?”

“Nothing,” Evan snapped. He squeezed his eyes shut. “I just... I was just thinking about how I’m going to get out of here.”

Connor stared at him for a beat. “You don’t want to see my parents.”

“Or Zoe or anyone who...” Evan let out a short laugh. “They all think we’re up here...”

Evan gestured at the door. “You were in my lap. They opened your door and you were in my lap and now they think we’re up here... you know.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

The words flew out of Connor before he knew what he was saying. 

Evan took a step back. “But we’re not.”

He had a point.

They weren’t doing anything. 

And thanks to the Harris brothers, everyone downstairs thought they were.

Suddenly, Connor wasn’t too keen to face his parents either.

He practically tripped over his feet in his hurry to open the window. 

It was freezing outside. He shivered and grabbed his coat. 

Evan looked at him like he was crazy. “You can’t be serious.”

“I used to sneak out this way all the time.”

“Were you high?”

“Usually, yeah.” 

That didn’t seem to reassure Evan at all.

Connor shoved his hands in his pockets. “If I could get down while I was high, then you shouldn’t have any-”

“How?” Evan demanded. “How exactly did you get down from here?”

“That tree over there.” Connor pointed to the left. “You can reach it from the roof.”

Evan shook his head. “No.”

Connor frowned when he saw how pale Evan had gotten. “It’s better than-”

“I don’t have good luck with trees.”

His arm. Evan was thinking about his arm. 

Connor slammed the window shut. “Fine.”

Evan eyed the door. “Why don’t we just make a run for it?”

That could work. Connor knew they could fly down the stairs and out the door without being ambushed.

He also knew he’d end up getting a lecture about using good manners and saying goodbye to his guests when he got home.

That didn’t matter. He could live with that.

He’d take a lecture over an interrogation any day.

Evan looked surprised when Connor got out too. “You’re coming in?”

Connor hadn’t realized he needed an invitation. He blinked and glanced back at his car. “Um.”

“Don’t you have to get back?”

Connor snorted. “No.”

“Won’t your parents-”

“Yes.”

Evan chewed his lip. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“I’m 21. What’s the worst they can do?” He wrinkled his nose. “Don’t answer that.”

He sent Zoe a quick text asking her to tell him when the guests were gone. She didn’t respond, which made him think she was annoyed with him for bailing.

Either that or she was trying to make up for his disappearance by being the perfect daughter.

He wasn’t sure which was worse.

The guests were gone when Connor returned. Long gone, judging from the way his family was sprawled out in the living room.

That wasn’t a surprise, given the time. 

It was late enough for him to wonder why his parents weren’t in bed.

It was late enough that his stomach sank when they looked up at him.

They’d been waiting for him.

He knew that right away.

He also knew they’d set a trap so he wouldn’t escape to his room the second he walked through the door.

They were watching an old episode of his soap. One of the first ones, from the looks of it. It was weird to see how young Madeline and Jeffrey looked.

Zoe shook her head at the tv when he walked in. “I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?” Cynthia asked.

Zoe’s hand flopped from side to side. “This show is a mess and I know messes. I’m a _Glee_ survivor.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Scratch that. I’m a _Pretty Little Liars_ survivor. What is this thing?”

“It takes some getting used to, but the duke-”

“That guy’s a duke?”

“Not that one. The one they just killed. That one’s a spy.”

Zoe beamed at Connor. “I’m starting to see why you and Evan are so hooked on this show. It’s even crazier than _Riverdale_.”

And there it was.

His parents exchanged a look.

He was going to kill Zoe.

He’d thought at least she would have the decency not to bring Evan up.

No one said a word.

They just kept staring at Connor.

Which somehow made it worse.

He threw himself onto the armchair next to his father and shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth. 

His mother cleared her throat. “Did Evan go home?”

Connor squashed the retort that wanted to come out. The one pointing out that Evan didn’t actually possess the power of invisibility. 

The room fell silent again.

On the tv, Charlton ran around his house like he was being chased. He reset all his clocks so it was like each room was in a different time zone.

Connor raised his eyebrows. That explained some things.

He reached for the popcorn, only to find the bowl empty.

He rolled off the chair and went to the kitchen to make another bag.

His mother followed him in. 

He should’ve seen that coming. He should’ve known there was a reason she hadn’t protested.

She opened the fridge. “There are leftovers if you’re still hungry.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“Are you sure? You hardly ate your dinner.”

“I ate at Evan’s.”

Her eyes flashed so quickly it was like they hadn’t moved at all. She closed the door. “Anthony’s home for another week if you want to...”

She smiled at his expression. “You really don’t like them.”

Connor didn’t bother hiding his surprise. “They’re...”

He couldn’t think of a diplomatic way of putting it.

His mother’s smile widened. “They’re different around you, aren’t they?”

Connor’s head tilted as he tried to follow that.

“Not as nice,” Cynthia explained.

Connor snorted. “Yeah.”

“I was thinking about that when they were leaving. They looked so...” She shook her head. “They had this look on their faces when they told me you were busy and-”

“Evan and I weren’t doing anything,” Connor blurted out.

He continued on quickly before his mother could interrupt. “Whatever they said they saw, it-”

“It’s fine,” Cynthia said softly. “I like Evan.”

She cleared her throat. “We like Evan. All of us. He’s very-”

“We’re friends.”

She studied him for a second. “Just friends?”

Connor nodded. “They just came in at a weird moment. That’s all.”

His mother didn’t look convinced. She looked so unconvinced it was bordering on disappointment.

He decided to spell it out for her. “I heard them in the hall and I knew they were supposed to take me with them and I... I panicked.”

He jumped when his mother started to laugh. He’d been expecting confusion, not amusement. 

“You always did come up with creative ways to get out of things.”

He nodded like he knew what she was talking about. He wasn’t in the mood for a story.

He stopped the microwave when the kernels started to slow down. “I just got out of a relationship.”

The words flew out of him without warning, before he’d even had time to think them. Before he had time to think about what they meant or what the consequences would be or why he was feeling the need to share a half-truth with his mother.

Half-truth was an overstatement.

He knew she wouldn’t see the thing with Conor as a relationship. 

Which was fair because it hadn’t even come close to that.

He was just sharing because...

Because it made her happy when he did. 

Because she was looking at him like she was trying to read his mind.

Because he knew that look.

He’d received it countless times as a teenager.

Because he was a mystery to his parents.

A mystery they’d tried to solve through backchannels. A mystery he’d tried to protect. It still made him laugh to think about the time they’d checked his search history and saw that he’d spent two hours googling the different kinds of figs. Their confusion had almost made the fig-centric dishes he’d had to eat worth it. 

That had just been one of the many times he’d looked something up to see what kind of reaction he’d get.

Part of him missed those days. Most of him didn’t.

He didn’t do that anymore. And neither did they. He knew they no longer snooped through his things.

He knew he still confused his father though. 

And his mother just wanted to understand.

He decided to tell her about Conor. 

To tell her the G-rated version.

Which would take less than a minute.

He decided to tell her because he’d already opened that can of worms.

And because it would make her stop thinking about what the Harrises had walked in on.


	25. Junior Year - February

Connor cracked one eye open when he heard the door click shut. He tilted his head back just enough to confirm it was Evan.

He closed his eye and nestled down in his pillow. “I’m dying.”

He didn’t open his eyes when Evan started to laugh. 

He didn’t even open them to glare at Evan when he threw his backpack down with more force than was really necessary.

He could feel Evan studying him.

“You aren’t dying.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.”

“Are...” Connor sighed and rolled over to face him. “I could be dying.”

Evan shook his head. “You aren’t dying.”

“How can you be sure?”

Evan sighed and plopped down on the floor so they were at the same level. “What makes you think you’re dying?”

“I hurt.”

Evan nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“My whole body hurts.”

“Yeah. I can see that.”

“I’m not hungover.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

Connor blinked at the wall. “I might be hungry.”

“Yeah...” Evan laughed. “And tired. Not dying.”

“I stayed up too late.”

Evan snorted. “Yeah.”

“I finished my paper.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“You woke me up to tell me that.”

“Oh,” Connor muttered. He rubbed his eyes. “I think I got, like, one hour of sleep.”

“That sounds about right.” Evan pointed at Connor’s desk. “Did you remember to submit it?”

Connor’s face scrunched up while he tried to understand that. It really scrunched up while he tried to remember if he had.

He knew what the correct answer was. “Yes?”

“Go check,” Evan urged.

Connor waved his hand dismissively. “What does it matter if I’m about to die?”

“You’re not dying.”

“I could be dying.”

“What are your symptoms?”

Connor’s brow furrowed. “My symptoms?”

“What symptoms are you experiencing, besides a general feeling of woe?”

Connor blinked at the ceiling. “I’m dying.”

“You aren’t...” Evan shook his head. “My mom used to be a nurse’s aide.”

“And that means you’re qualified to tell someone if they’re dying?”

“It means we have a lot of medical books and pamphlets laying around the house.”

“And you read them?

“I read some of them,” Evan shrugged. 

“Enough to tell me I’m not dying?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Anyone with common sense could tell you that. I just mean I’ve read enough to give you some idea of what your ailment might be. If you really have an ailment. Which you do not because you’re just tired and hungry and cranky. The big three.”

“I’m not cranky,” Connor hissed.

Evan made a point of looking away.

“I should probably eat though.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“And I might need a nap.” 

“Eat first.”

Connor sighed and sat up. He only held the position a moment before flopping back down. “Eating requires moving.”

Evan sighed too. Heavily sighed. He pulled himself off the floor. 

He left the room without looking back.

“What?” Connor called after him.

Connor bumped Evan’s arm when he caught up with him so he knew he was there. “When you think about it, we’re all dying. Every single one of us. Starting the second we’re born. Some of us just do it faster than others.”

Evan turned to blink at him. “When did he say that?”

“Who?”

Evan glanced over his shoulder at Woodbury Hall. “I don’t remember that being covered in class.”

Connor nodded slightly. “Wheaton didn’t say that. I’m saying that.”

“Oh.” Evan tilted his head. “Why are you saying that?”

“Because...” Connor shrugged. He wasn’t sure why that particular thought had popped into his head.

Evan stared at him like he did. “You aren’t dying.”

“I am, actually. That’s the whole point.”

Evan rubbed his forehead. “That class gives me a headache.”

“I wonder if it’s too late to change my major.”

“What would you do with a philosophy degree?”

“What am I going to do with an English degree?” Connor countered.

“Become a librarian?”

“Oh,” Connor breathed. “That.”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. “That.”

Connor nodded at the building as they rounded the corner. “Aren’t you going to ask me how it went?”

Evan froze in his tracks. “You didn’t really.”

Connor grinned and nodded.

“I was joking!”

“You wanted extra credit. I got you extra credit.”

“You convinced Wheaton to let us do an extra credit assignment about _The Good Place_?”

“I used my magnetic presence to-”

Evan threw his head back and groaned. “This again?”

“This always. I’m never forgetting that one.”

“See, this is why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk.”

It was Connor’s turn to freeze. “This is why you should always talk.”

“Because my complete and total awkwardness is always good for a laugh?”

“Because you say things and they’re good things and...” Connor scratched his neck. “Wheaton said we can do the extra credit together.”

Evan stared at him for a beat. “So, you’re going to put my name on your essay?”

“You can type it yourself if that’ll make you feel better.” Connor paused to pick at his bag strap. “I’m going to make sure you pass that class.”

“Because it was your idea to take it?”

And because failing was not an option. Connor didn’t know the specifics of Evan’s scholarship, but he knew enough to know that was the case.

He didn’t say that out loud. 

Evan shoved his hands in his pockets. “Okay, here’s a moral dilemma for you, is it ethically acceptable to help me cheat so I pass a-”

“It’s not cheating!” He kept his eyes straight ahead when Evan didn’t look away. “It’s not!”

He adjusted his bag before it fell down. “We can write the essay together.”

Evan didn’t look convinced. “Okay...”

Connor dug through his bag, only to stop when he realized he’d feel ridiculous whipping a notebook out in the middle of the quad. He was fairly certain he’d remember what they said anyway. “We can start right now. What are your thoughts on-”

“I like Chidi.”

“And?”

Evan shrugged. “Do you think it’s too cold for frozen yogurt?”

Connor closed his eyes. “It’s never too cold for frozen yogurt.”

Connor chewed his lip to keep from laughing.

And then he wondered why he was bothering. 

He laughed as the texts flooded his phone.

One after another. It was like he was getting a play by play. 

It was like he was there.

He sat up to tell Evan. He lowered his phone when he saw Evan was frowning at his. “Jared found Zoe.”

Evan nodded stiffly. “I know.”

“He’s texting you?”

Evan snorted when he looked up. “She’s texting you?”

Connor scrambled off his bed and climbed up next to Evan. The put their phones together. “She doesn’t get why he’s crashing her girls’ night. She thought they’d agreed not to do anything for Valentine’s.”

“He’s wondering if he should’ve stolen some flowers from the garden across from the student center.”

Connor grinned at the window. “Tell him to go pick some.”

“I’m not encouraging him to destroy school property!”

“Do it, so I can call campus police on him. We can watch from Chris and Seth’s room.”

Evan shook his head at him. “I thought you weren’t trying to sabotage their relationship.”

“I’m not trying to sabotage their relationship. I’m trying to sabotage Jared.”

“You don’t think Zoe will see this as you sabotaging her relationship if you get her boyfriend arrested on Valentine’s Day?”

“It’s campus police. They’ll probably just try to sell him some weed.”

Evan glanced at his phone. “The movie’s over.”

Connor checked his too. “Zoe says they’re getting something to eat.”

He put his phone down. “Do you think Jared’s really her boyfriend?”

“He thinks he is,” Evan shrugged. He glanced at Connor out of the corner of his eye. “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Not for me. I’m not the one dating him.”

Evan hummed at that. “It’s new.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe it won’t last.”

“Maybe.” He glanced at Evan out of the corner of his eye. “Do you hope it doesn’t?”

“I hope they’re happy.” Evan twiddled his thumbs in his lap. “I haven’t thought of Zoe that way in years.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

“Seriously. Years. As in multiple.”

“Years usually implies there’s a multiple involved.”

“Well, there is,” Evan muttered. He tilted his head back to look at the door. “It’s so quiet here tonight.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Right and Ryan has Layla.”

“And Cole has Cara.”

“And Seth has...”

“His pots and pans,” they finished together.

Connor glanced at him quickly. “Jared has Zoe.”

“Yeah and Kai has whoever’s bed he’s in.”

“And Chris...” Connor checked his phone. He snorted when he saw Chris’s latest update. “Made up with Hilary.”

Evan shook his head dazedly. “That was their shortest breakup yet.”

Connor stretched his arms above his head. “And we have...”

His mouth opened and closed so many times he felt like a fish with a muscle spasm.

There were so many ways he could have finished that sentence. Why did his mind have to jump to the one he didn’t dare say out loud?

He comforted himself with the knowledge that it had just been a quick, fleeting, sleepy thought.

He comforted himself with the knowledge that he’d stopped himself in time.

He comforted himself with the knowledge that Evan was a nice enough person not to give him a hard time about what he’d almost said.

That feeling passed when their eyes met. 

Not that nice.

But also not willing to state the obvious.

The obvious retort, that was. The obvious sarcastic remark. Not the obvious statement. It wasn’t an obvious statement. Not even close.

Evan’s brow furrowed like he was debating if he should say something.

He scooted over to grab his laptop instead. “What should we watch next?”

Zoe was not in a good mood.

Connor could tell that even though he was on the weirdest trip of his life.

His head felt so heavy and floaty and messed up he couldn’t think straight.

Or walk straight.

That may have been the source of Zoe’s mood.

He didn’t remember leaving the dentist’s office. He didn’t remember walking to the car. Or getting into the car. Or trying to go to sleep next to the car.

He definitely didn’t remember petting Zoe’s head and telling her she was soft.

Unfortunately for him, she had the video to prove it.

The morning passed by in spurts of sleep and wakefulness. 

Mostly sleep.

It was a blur.

Connor didn’t understand much.

The few things he did understand made him think it was fair for Zoe to say he owed her. 

He was more awake by the time Evan took over.

Slightly more awake.

Still pretty out of it.

He didn’t remember deciding to get out of bed.

He didn’t think it was something he actually decided to do.

It just happened because he was alone and people had left him alone and he didn’t want to be alone.

It didn’t end well.

He was with it enough to understand that.

Mostly he slept.

That was all he really wanted to do.

Sleep and watch cartoons.

It was like he was a five-year-old with a toothache.

Which actually sounded about right.

He felt better when he woke up the next day. Really woke up. The kind of awake where he was capable of keeping his eyes open for more than five minutes.

He didn’t feel 100% better, but it was definitely an improvement.

Evan looked a bit worse for the wear.

Which was fair because he’d been slobbered on all night.

Connor was far more amused by that than Evan was. He was also too dopey to care that he’d apparently spent over twelve hours slobbering on his best friend.

Literally slobbering.

Like a dog.

Because apparently his body was determined to make sure he owed favors to everyone who had taken care of him during his hour of need.

He called his mom while Evan was getting the ice cream. He assured her that he was fine, that Zoe and Evan had taken good care of him. He didn’t argue when she said she was stopping by his dorm on her way home so she could see that for herself.

He called his dad and thanked him for the ice cream. He regretted making the call when he realized he didn’t have anything else to say. 

Neither of them did.

He should’ve texted.

His father cleared his throat and said he sounded like he was doing better.

Connor said he was and left it at that.

He wondered what embarrassing things he’d done in front of his dad.

He wondered if he really wanted know.

The second day of recovery was definitely better than the first.

The third was the best of all because he felt like himself but could still get away with acting like he didn’t.

He could tell Evan suspected he was back to normal, but didn’t want to press the subject in case he was wrong.

They spent most of the day lounging around, watching their soap and _Futurama_ and _Avatar the Last Airbender_.

It wasn’t a bad way to spend a weekend.

Everything felt light and sunny and soft.

Of course, that may have been the pain meds talking.

It didn’t bother him when his roommates teased him about things he’d supposedly said.

It didn’t bother him when Zoe sent him a video of him dancing with a stop sign.

It didn’t even bother him when Jared posted a picture of him watching tv with Evan. It didn’t bother him that his head was on Evan’s shoulder and there was a visible puddle of drool.

It just made him wonder when Jared had gotten that sneaky.

Neither of them remembered seeing the flash.


	26. Junior Year - March

Makayla Jones didn’t want to die. She really, truly did not want to die. 

Connor didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone with that strong of a will to live.

It was almost enough to make him want to let her be. 

She obviously wanted to stay in the game more than he did.

Gotcha wasn’t as fun the second time around. Even Evan seemed like he wasn’t as into it. 

Which was why Connor wasn’t totally opposed to letting Makayla go.

He probably would’ve let her go if Jared wasn’t there to witness it.

“That’s it,” Jared cheered. “Make him work for it!”

Makayla shrieked and leapt over a table before Connor could reach her.

She grinned at his surprise. “I used to be a gymnast.”

Jared let out a low whistle.

“You have a girlfriend,” Evan reminded him.

“I know,” Jared muttered.

Makayla darted around a pole.

That was her fatal mistake.

Connor caught up with her on the other side. He tapped both of her shoulders and leapt backwards. She looked like she was ready to punch him.

She sighed and handed him her card. 

“I was rooting for you, girl!” Jared called. He looked even more defeated than she did when Connor made his way back over to their table. “How are you two this good at this game?”

Evan didn’t seem to have heard the question. He craned his neck to see the card in Connor’s hand. “Who’d you get?”

Connor clutched it to his chest. “No peeking.”

“It’s not against the rules!”

Connor smiled and angled the card so Jared could see.

Jared caught onto that right away. “You can’t kill people in their sleep, right?”

Evan scooted backwards so quickly it was a wonder he didn’t fall.

“Right,” Connor said.

“What are the rules about killing someone the second they wake up? Like if you’re in the room when they wake up, are you allowed to just-” Jared pretended to slash his throat. “-the second they open their eyes?”

Evan looked between them. “You didn’t... You don’t...”

He jumped up when Connor stretched his arms out in front of him. He glanced at his shoulders like he wasn’t sure if Connor had touched them.

Which was fair since Connor had gotten close.

Connor sighed and pulled his card back out. He showed it to Evan.

Evan closed his eyes when he saw the name. “Michael Davis? You have someone named Michael Davis? You don’t have me?”

Jared hung his head sadly. “Why’d you show him? We could’ve tortured him for days.”

Connor took a sip of his water. “I’m not that mean.”

He continued on quickly before Jared could protest. “To him. I’m not that mean to him.”

Jared stuck out his tongue.

Evan groaned and threw himself onto his bed. “I’m dead.”

Connor didn’t even bother looking up from his book. “Dead as in dead or dead as in dying?”

“Dead. Some girl killed me in the lab.” His face scrunched up for a moment. “Outside the lab, technically.”

“Oh.” Connor shoved his book in his bag and stood up. “I have class.”

“Try not to die,” Evan called.

Chris killed him the second he stepped into the suite. 

It happened so fast he didn’t realize he was dead until Kai started laughing.

Which made Ryan laugh.

Which made Jared come running out to see what was so funny.

Chris was nice enough to say his brother had sent him a meme.

Kai was not.

Jared looked so happy he could float away.

Connor didn’t mind going away with his family as much as he usually did. 

Things were okay there. Mostly okay.

And they’d planned the trip around a legal conference his father had to attend. 

That meant the family time would be limited at best. 

Which was the best kind of vacation in his mind. 

His phone buzzed four times in a row.

_Hre_

_Hreer_

_Rhee_

_Here._

He smiled when Evan finally got it right.

And then he waited.

And waited.

He sighed when he realized that was all Evan had to say.

Or, more likely, it was all he was capable of saying while he was that level of intoxicated.

Apparently, Evan’s mother and her friend liked to party hard.

At least Evan was having a better 21st birthday than he’d had.

He jumped when his phone rang.

Zoe groaned in his direction and covered her head with her pillow.

He decided it would be in his best interest to take the call in the bathroom.

Evan started talking the second he picked up. “You think?”

“Yes,” Connor smiled. “I do think. I think a lot.”

“Lot? What?” 

He snorted because he could picture how confused Evan must look.

Evan yawned into the phone. “What time is it there?”

“Same time it is there.”

“Late.”

“It is late,” Connor agreed. “Are you still at The Spanish Queen?”

“Home.”

“You’re home?”

“Yesh.”

Connor snorted again. “You should go to sleep then.”

“I’m not tired!”

He yawned again.

“I can tell,” Connor teased.

“Did you get my picture?”

“You sent me a picture?”

A pause. 

Evan breathed into the phone. “Hold on.”

Connor’s phone flashed. A picture of Evan wearing a tiny sombrero popped up. His face was red and his hair was flat and he looked like he was ready to pass out.

Connor thought he’d found his new wallpaper.

“I want cheese.”

“Then go get some cheese.”

“It’s downstairs.” 

Connor shook his head. He didn’t know how Evan had managed to slur every sound in that word, but he did. It was a talent. “My vote is for sleep.”

“You’re not asleep!”

“Maybe I would be if-”

His phone beeped.

Evan had ended the call. 

Or passed out on his phone.

Connor thought both of those options were equally likely.

He tiptoed back into the bedroom and climbed back in bed.

He sent a quick text before he lay down.

_Drink water._

Zoe gasped and snatched his phone away from him so quickly it made him gasp too.

“What is this?” Zoe breathed. Her face lit up when she saw his home screen. “Well, this is adorable.”

“You think it’s adorable?”

“You have a picture of Evan as your wallpaper?” She batted her eyes and cooed.

He stole his phone back and slid down on the chair. 

He’d thought she was talking about the picture itself.

This was worse. 

So much worse.

Especially while their parents were nearby.

He glanced at the pool quickly to confirm they were still in the hot tub.

Zoe smiled serenely. “Adorable.”

She was teasing him. Mostly.

He knew that. He was sure of that. 

“It’s a funny picture,” he muttered.

“Is that the only reason you – hey!” She tried to grab her phone back from him.

He frowned when he looked at it. 

She didn’t have a picture of Jared on there. She was using one of her with Nicole and those two girls they hung out with in high school.

He handed her phone back.

She sniffed and put it under her leg. “I think I’m going to take a nap.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

That suited him just fine. He had reading to finish and an essay to start. 

She yawned and balled her towel up so it resembled a makeshift pillow.

His head popped up when she started chuckling. “Shut up.”

That just made her laugh harder.

His father gave a speech on their last night there.

Attendance was mandatory. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He sat with his mother and Zoe at a table in the front of the room.

Which meant that not only did he have to stay put for the whole thing, but he actually had to pay attention. 

It was weird. 

Weirdly interesting.

He didn’t understand most of the things his father said. Not really anyway. 

He understood enough to get why people were laughing.

Apparently, his father was quite the comedian in the legal circles.

Zoe caught his eye several times and mouthed the words ‘oh my god.’

He nodded because he knew the feeling.

People stopped by their table afterwards to congratulate his father on his speech.

He put his head down every time because that was what his instincts told him to do.

His father introduced him anyway. He made a point of introducing all of his colleagues to his children. He told them Zoe was a talented musician and Connor was studying to be a librarian.

He almost sounded proud when he said it.

It was weird.

So weird.

Writing a limerick was weird. Weirdly familiar and weirdly stressful. 

Stressful in a fun way. 

He’d never written a truly dirty one before.

He’d never shared one with an audience either.

He felt so jittery while he waited for his turn that he wondered if this was what it was like to be Evan.

He wasn’t about to ask.

Zoe sent him a text later that night.

_You look like Dad when you make people laugh._

He wasn’t sure if that was meant to be an insult or a compliment or an observation.

He decided to ignore it.

It was a lot more fun to get drunk with friends than without them.

Connor realized that with a start.

With such a start he almost fell off the stool. 

Zoe put a hand out to stop him before he did. She gave him a look that reminded him so much of their mother it made him laugh.

Really laugh.

He laughed so hard he almost fell again.

He tried to explain it to her.

He was not successful.

Or maybe he was.

It was possible she was looking at him like that because she understood exactly what he was trying to say.

He decided it was time to focus on someone else.

He nodded along as Chris and Seth argued about _Doctor Who_. He kept nodding until they tried to get his opinion.

The problem was he wasn’t sure what they wanted his opinion on. He wasn’t even sure if he had an opinion.

He wasn’t sure if he had any opinions. At all. On anything.

It was a good night. 

He downed the rest of his drink and staggered to his feet when Kai announced it was time to move on.

He wasn’t the only one Zoe helped out the door.

It was a good thing Zoe was taking her job as their babysitter seriously because none of them were able to take care of themselves.

It was also a good thing she decided to make them use the buddy system because at least that meant Connor wasn’t alone when he got lost.

He was with Evan.

He was in a closet with Evan.

A closet that Evan thought was an alley.

Because obviously an alley was a much better place to get lost in than a closet.

Neither of them knew how they’d gotten there. 

Because they were both drunk and loopy and, apparently, they’d been following each other.

There was a chance the buddy system wasn’t as effective as Zoe had thought it would be.

At least he wasn’t alone.

He was grateful for that.

He really would’ve lost it if he’d been alone.

He really would’ve lost it if he’d been alone in a closet that refused to open.

His whole body twitched when the doorknob came off in his hand. 

Trapped.

They were trapped.

And his phone was dead and Evan’s was MIA and...

It was the kind of thing he’d find funny later. Much later.

Not while it was happening.

His chest started to feel tight.

“You should’ve turned it,” Evan called. “Not tugged.”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut.

That was very useful information to have.

Not.

He stared at the doorknob. He turned it over in his hand.

He threw it at the wall.

Because what else was he going to do with it? It was useless. Completely and totally useless.

He pulled at his hair and paced around as much as the space would allow. “I can’t believe this. We really are going to die in here.”

“We’re not going to die,” Evan laughed. “Zoe will find us.”

Connor shook his head. “No, she won’t. She’ll give up. She’ll decide this serves me right. She’ll decide I got myself into this mess, so I can get myself back out.”

Evan used a shelf to pull himself off the ground. “But what about me? She likes me.”

Connor’s eyes darted around as he considered that. “That’s true.”

“And...” Evan tilted his head. “Are you okay?”

Connor alternated between shaking his head and nodding. “I don’t like small spaces.”

“I thought you hid in a lot of closets as a kid,” Evan reminded him.

Connor shrugged and tried to pace again. “Because my dad told me the best way to get over my fear was to expose myself to it.”

“Oh.”

“Because my fucking cousin Josh locked me in a fucking closet when I was five and it took my parents three fucking hours to notice. I was crying when they found me and-”

“Your dad told you that when you were five?”

Connor shook his head. “Later. Years later. I don’t know. He told me when he realized the fear was getting worse.”

“Did it work?”

“What?”

“I mean, you kept doing it, so...”

“It worked as long as I knew I had a way out. As long as the fucking doorknob wasn’t on the fucking floor.”

Connor’s face contorted as he pulled on his hair. “I can’t breathe.”

Evan’s eyes widened with understanding. He put his hands on Connor’s shoulders. “Yes, you can.”

Connor shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Come on. Breathe with me. In, out, in out.”

Connor tried to do as he was told. 

He tried to think about something, anything, other than where he was.

He thought about the paper he should be finishing, the test he wasn’t ready for, the weird smell coming from Jared and Cole’s room.

He wondered what it was. He wondered if it was going to stink up the rest of the suite. He wondered if he’d live to smell it again.

Evan nodded at the door. “There has to be something we can do. Something we can put in there and jiggle around until it catches and...”

He glanced around the closet. “Or a charger. Maybe there’s a charger in here somewhere and we can plug your phone in and call Zoe.”

Connor shook his head. He closed his eyes and pressed his fingers together. It was an old trick of his, one he’d picked up at one of those classes his mother had dragged him to. “I just... I just need a second and then I’ll be fine.”

Evan hesitated a moment before releasing him.

Connor felt empty when he did. 

And then it was a relief.

He needed a moment to breathe.

He let his mind wander again. 

He snorted when he thought about the story Evan had just told him, the one about Jared’s party.

“Did Jared kiss anyone?” Connor asked.

Evan’s face twitched like he didn’t understand. “What?”

“When you played seven minutes in heaven. I pity the girl who got sent in there with him.”

“I...” Evan blinked at the wall. “I think he went in with one of his camp friends, but I don’t know.”

Connor nodded vaguely and motioned for him to go on.

“It’s not much of a story,” Evan said. “I’ve kind of tried to block the whole night out, to be honest.”

Connor snorted and opened his eyes. “Can’t say I blame you.”

Their eyes met and...

It was a blur.

A fuzzy, drunken blur.

Connor didn’t remember deciding to move. He wasn’t even sure if he had decided to move. 

Maybe Evan was the one who moved first.

Or maybe they both tripped and landed with their lips smashed together.

They were certainly drunk enough for that to be a possibility.

He rolled with it though. Whatever it was. 

His hands flopped around for a moment before he let them land on Evan. 

He pulled him closer. He pulled as close as he could manage.

He deepened the kiss because...

He didn’t know why. His head was spinning and his blood was racing and everything was a blur.

Evan started to laugh. 

And that was it.

Moment over.

Whatever it was over.

Connor took a step back. His hands shook at his sides. It took all his willpower not to touch his mouth.

Because doing that would make it look like he was wiping his mouth and that was not the impression he wanted to give.

He was with it enough to understand that.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

He tried to look on the bright side. At least he’d forgotten where he was for a minute.

He opened his eyes when he heard someone calling his name.

Zoe.

She was out there somewhere.

He pounded on the door and shouted for her.

He didn’t think he’d ever been that happy to hear sister in his life.

He woke up first.

That wasn’t a surprise because he’d barely slept at all.

And Evan apparently slept like the dead when he was drunk.

He stared at him for a minute before he realized what he was doing.

A blur. His whole head was a blur. 

He rubbed his eyes and stumbled out of the room. No good could come from staying where he was.

The suite was quiet. 

Really quiet.

He was the first one up.

Jared was a close second. 

And possibly the actual first.

He realized that when he saw Jared’s hair was wet.

They poured their cereal and stared at it in silence.

He didn’t think either of them really felt like eating or talking or doing anything that required energy.

He was wrong.

Jared started laughing so suddenly it made him jump.

“You were in a closet with Evan?”

Connor rubbed his eyes. He was going to kill his sister.

“A closet? You were in an actual closet?” Jared propped his chin up on his elbow. “What happened? Tell me everything.”

“We got stuck.”

“In a closet?” Jared grinned.

Connor shrugged.

“And...” Jared studied him for a moment. “That’s it?”

Connor shrugged again.

He didn’t like the way Jared was looking at him. 

The only thing worse than a Jared who thought they were in the same pining boat was a Jared who was smug because he’d managed to start something with the girl he’d been pining for.

Connor was relieved when Seth came stumbling out of his room. 

He gave Jared a look that made it clear they were dropping the subject.

Jared pretended to zip his lips.

The night had been a blur for all of them.

It was easy to see that, even though none of them were really up for talking.

Connor wondered how much Evan remembered.

He wondered if he was remembering everything correctly.

He knew he’d ended up in a closet with Evan. He’d known that for a fact even before Jared confirmed it.

His chest still felt tight with residual fear.

He was pretty sure he’d kissed Evan. Or Evan had kissed him. Or they’d tripped and accidentally smashed their mouths together.

He was more than pretty sure.

He was almost positive.

He decided to talk to Evan, to try to feel things out.

He went into their room and sat at his desk and spun around like he always did when he was nervous. 

That was a mistake. He felt like he was going to be sick. “I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“Hangover?” Evan grinned.

Connor nodded slowly and grabbed his head.

“Last night was fun,” Evan said lightly.

Connor glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Which part? The part where we got kicked out of Simmer Down or the part where we got stuck in a fucking supply closet?”

Evan nibbled at his cereal. “I don’t know. It was an experience.”

Connor lifted his head so he could look him in the eye. “How much of it do you remember?”

Evan blinked at that. “I don’t know. My brain’s still kind of fuzzy. What about you?”

Connor shrugged. “It comes to me in pieces.”

“Me too,” Evan nodded. “I just remembered the part where Jared licked Zoe’s neck.”

Connor snorted and spun around again. His stomach did a flip. “I really need to stop doing that.”

Evan nodded in agreement. “I think I might go back to bed.”

Connor’s stomach flipped again. He couldn’t blame it on the chair that time.

“The supply closet,” Connor said softly. “How much of that do you remember?”

Evan stared at his hands. “I, uh, I don’t know.”

His hands jumped around in his lap. “I remember your panic attack, if that’s what you mean.”

“It wasn’t a panic attack,” Connor said sharply.

Evan’s shoulders twitched slightly. “It didn’t make me think less of you, if that’s what’s got you worried.”

Connor was silent for a second. “Do you remember anything else?”

He didn’t know why he was pursuing this. He didn’t know which answer he wanted to hear. 

He didn’t know what would be worse – acknowledging the kiss or ignoring it.

He swallowed sharply.

Acknowledging it. Definitely acknowledging it.

Because acknowledging it made it real and making it real would make it something they had to discuss and discussing it would...

He didn’t want to think about that.

Evan didn’t either, apparently. He kept his eyes on his hands and shrugged. “I don’t know. Not really.”

His eyes darted towards Connor. “Is there something I should remember?”

Connor shook his head. “Not that I can think of. I was just wondering.”

That settled that then.

Evan didn’t remember.

Or wanted to pretend he didn’t.

Connor was okay with both of those options.


	27. Junior Year - April and May

The rules of the game were not simple.

They weren’t even clear.

Connor felt stupid until he realized he wasn’t the only one who didn’t understand what they were supposed to be doing. Far from it, really. Even Kai looked confused and he was an actual athlete.

It was enough to make them all act like the children Cole thought they were. 

Cole rubbed his forehead and blew his whistle until Ryan and Seth stopped hitting each other with their foam bats. Seth snuck in one more whack before Cole confiscated it.

“No, no, no!” Cole cried. “The goal is to get the ball into the hoop over there.”

He pointed at the hoop hanging from the tree next to their dorm. 

Kai’s face scrunched up as he tried to follow that. “So, what’s with the other hoop then?”

Cole turned to blink at him. “The other hoop?”

Kai jerked his thumb at the tree next to him.

Cole flipped through his index cards. “We haven’t gotten to that yet.”

“And what about the-”

Cole blew his whistle again. “One thing at a time! Let’s who can get the most balls in the-”

He narrowed his eyes when Jared started snickering.

Jared elbowed Evan so harshly he almost fell off the bench they were standing on. “He said balls!”

Cole sighed and hung his head.

Jared smirked at his fingernails. “You created this game for kids, right?”

Cole nodded slightly.

“And you’re using us as your guinea pigs? I’m just giving you what you’re paying for.”

Cole’s head popped up. “I’m not paying you.”

Jared jabbed a finger in his direction. “No dish duty for a week or I walk.”

Chris gasped. “Is that allowed?”

“It’s my week to clean the bathroom,” Seth chirped. “No bathroom duty or-”

“It’s my turn next week,” Chris added. He pointed at Cole. “Two weeks of bathroom duty or we’re out of here.”

Cole looked like he was seriously regretting his decision to become a gym teacher. Connor would’ve felt sorry for him if he hadn’t woken them all up at six by blowing his whistle ten times. 

“I’ll handle everything on the chore chart this week,” Cole sighed. He put up a hand to stop Chris before he could protest. “And I’ll share everyone’s bathroom duties for the rest of the semester.”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Jared elbowed Evan again. “He said duties...”

The game became more fun after that.

It didn’t become any clearer, but it was fun. Sort of. Almost. 

It was more fun than finishing the paper he’d been putting off all weekend.

It helped when Kai started offering suggestions. He actually made some good ones. 

That was the real turning point.

It helped when they all understood what the point of the game really was. 

The goal was to get as many balls through the hoop as possible without getting hit by a foam bat or touching the ground. It felt like a weird combination of basketball, baseball, and Quidditch. 

Connor wasn’t sure if it was good enough to help Cole pass his class, but he didn’t really care about that.

He just liked hitting people with a foam bat. 

And seeing the look of disgust on Jared’s face every time he got a ball through the hoop.

Jared decided to take it out on Evan the fourth time that happened. He jumped in front of him and blocked his shot at the last second.

Connor waved at Cole. “Foul!”

“What’d you call me?” Jared demanded. He grinned as he mirrored every move Evan tried to make.

Connor rolled his eyes. “He touched him with his hand. That’s against the rules.”

Cole frowned as he flipped through his cards. He glanced at Kai for help.

“You’re supposed to use your bat,” Kai reminded Jared.

Cole nodded frantically. “Yeah, uh...”

Evan nearly fell off the bench when Jared started playing a silent game of ‘I’m not touching you.’

Connor put a hand out to steady him.

“Foul!” Jared cried triumphantly.

Cole blew his whistle. “Game over.”

Jared whipped around to face him. “What? But...”

His voice trailed off when he saw that Ryan, Seth, and Chris had gotten into a threeway sword fight with their bats.

He hopped down from the bench. “Yeah, okay...”

Kai clapped Cole on the shoulder. “I think that was a good start. I’ll send you my notes tonight.”

Cole buried his head in his hands.

Connor was pretty sure he heard him mutter something about never working with children again.

“So, I’ll see you at five then?”

Connor blinked at the question. And then he blinked at what it meant. 

He leaned back so far his chair almost toppled over. “What?”

Gabe smiled knowingly. “Where’d I lose you?”

Connor shrugged because it was impossible to tell.

Gabe gestured at himself. “I’m wearing a shirt this time!”

“I know,” Connor said quickly. He scratched his neck and blinked at the ceiling.

Gabe wasn’t his distraction. Evan was.

Evan who would be back from class any second, who didn’t know he still talked to Gabe, who he’d kissed in a supply closet a few weeks ago. 

He shook his head to clear it.

Gabe was frowning at the screen when he looked at it again. “Is it not okay if I come visit?”

Connor swallowed sharply. “When you... what?”

Gabe chuckled. “I’m going to be in your neck of the woods next week.”

“You are?”

Gabe smiled into his hand. “Is this a bad time?”

Connor glanced at the door. “No”

“You look distracted.”

“I have to go to class in a minute.”

“I thought you said you were done with class for the day.”

Connor closed his eyes. “Dinner. I meant to say dinner.”

“You eat dinner at 4 pm now, Grandpa?” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Why are you coming here?”

“Not there, exactly. I’ll be in the area. I’m interviewing for a couple internships.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Gabe’s mouth twisted to the side. “I thought I could swing by and see you. Maybe spend the night.”

He said it in a way that could be literal or could imply...

Connor swallowed again. “Yeah. Sure.”

Gabe chuckled and shook his head. “You sound really excited.”

“No, I am. It’ll be good to see you.” Connor glanced over his shoulder again.

Gabe sighed when he saw that. “I’ll let you go.”

Connor couldn’t look him in the eye. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Gabe shrugged. “Go eat your dinner. I’ll text you the details.”

Connor closed his laptop as soon as the call ended. 

It was weird to see Gabe again in person.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he should get out of the car and...

And what? 

Hug him? Kiss him? Shove his tongue down his throat?

He didn’t know what kind of protocol there was for situations like this. What did normal people do when they picked their sort of ex up from the train station? Make that their sort of ex turned friend. Make that...

He settled for waving at Gabe and unlocking the doors. 

Gabe threw his bag in the back before climbing in. “That train reeked of tuna fish.”

“That bad?” Connor laughed.

Gabe shuddered at the thought. He grinned when their eyes met. “So.”

A car horn blared behind them. 

Connor sighed and pulled forward. “People are so impatient these days.”

He laughed when he heard himself. “Oh my God.”

“What?” Gabe laughed.

“Nothing,” Connor muttered.

He didn’t feel like explaining that he’d just channeled his father. He didn’t feel like explaining why that was so funny and alarming and strange. 

Gabe shifted around while he adjusted his seatbelt. “So, where to? Are we going to your place or...”

“Or?” Connor blinked. “Did you have something else in mind?”

Gabe shrugged. “I don’t know. What would you be doing if I weren’t here?”

Connor shrugged too. “I don’t know. Watching a movie or something, probably.”

“Okay,” Gabe nodded. He snorted when he caught himself yawning. “A lowkey night sounds good.”

The night wasn’t going to be as lowkey as Connor had hoped.

He knew that the second he saw Jared and Zoe were in. 

They were the only ones in. That was a relief until it wasn’t. Having Kai or Ryan around would’ve eased the tension. 

He hated the tone Zoe used when she said she remembered meeting Gabe.

He hated the way Jared’s face lit up. He hated how torn he looked. He almost looked like he’d been betrayed.

They both did.

He hated the look they exchanged. 

He ushered Gabe into his room when Jared asked where Evan was.

He closed the door behind them.

“You have a hole in your sock.”

Connor jumped when Gabe nudged said hole with his toe. “Yeah...”

Gabe scooted a bit closer. “It’s cute.”

“My hole is cute?” Connor laughed when he heard himself. “I mean...”

“I know what you mean. And yes. On both counts.”

Connor tried not to smile. Or blush. 

He was not successful.

Gabe nipped at his neck. “That’s cute too.”

Connor tilted his head back to look at him and he knew.

This was it.

The moment to make a choice.

Did he want to fool around with Gabe or not? Did he want to do more than fool around? Did he...

He heard voices in the living room.

Real voices. Live voices. Not just the screams from the slasher flick Jared was watching.

He bit his lip. 

Did he want to lock the door?

Did he need to lock the door?

He shook his head.

He wanted to watch a movie.

Any movie.

It didn’t matter which one. 

Connor yawned when the movie was over. It had somehow been the fastest and slowest hour and a half of his life. He couldn’t remember anything about it.

Gabe smiled when their eyes met. “That was cute.”

“As cute as my hole?” 

They both laughed.

Connor wiggled his foot. 

Gabe pointed at the laptop. “Do you want to watch another one?”

Connor nodded and pulled up the menu. They took turns pointing at their selections.

A knock sounded on the door.

A series of knocks.

Zoe.

It took Connor a second to realize what she was doing. It had been years since they’d done their secret knock. 

He tapped the door to tell her the coast was clear.

The door tentatively creaked open.

He blinked when he saw it wasn’t Zoe.

He scrambled into a sitting position. 

Evan’s eyes darted around the room like he wasn’t sure where to look. 

“We were just starting a movie,” Connor said.

“You can join us if you want,” Gabe added.

Connor glanced at Gabe quickly. He tried to see him through Evan’s eyes. He tried to see the situation through Evan’s eyes.

He scooted a bit closer to the edge of his bed.

Evan shook his head and headed straight for his desk. “Thanks, but I, uh, I’m just grabbing my notes. I have to meet Lisbeth.”

“The dragon lady,” Connor told Gabe.

Gabe nodded knowingly and gave Evan a sympathetic smile.

Something about that rubbed Evan the wrong way. Connor could tell that even though his back was turned. 

Evan grabbed his notebook and shoved it in his backpack so hard it shook.

Connor nodded to his left. “This is Gabe, by the way.”

Evan kept his eyes down when he spun around. “Yeah, I, uh...”

He shook his head. “I’m Evan.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Gabe chirped.

Something about that definitely rubbed Evan the wrong way.

Connor gave Gabe a tight smile. Gabe raised his eyebrows when he saw it.

Evan puffed his cheeks out and nodded at the door. “I should go.”

Gabe nodded slowly. “You don’t want to keep the dragon lady waiting.”

Evan practically ran to the door. He paused with his hand on the handle.

“Have fun. Be safe.”

A look flashed across his face. He looked frantic, like he’d give anything for the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

He flew out of the room. The door clicked shut behind him.

Connor exhaled deeply. He leaned forward to lock the door.

Just to be safe.

From Jared, mostly. 

Gabe was smiling when he settled down again. “So, that was Evan?”

“That was Evan.”

“He seems nice.”

Connor snorted because even he knew Evan hadn’t come across as nice.

Awkward, yes. Jumpy, definitely. 

Freaked out, a tad.

Possibly more than a tad.

Connor wondered what that was about.

He wondered if he really wanted to know.

He wondered if he already did.

He scratched his head. “What are we watching?”

Gabe nipped at his neck. “Something safe. And fun.”

Connor closed his laptop.

On second thought, he could go for that.

He felt like he was being smothered when he woke up. 

He nudged Gabe until he rolled over. 

And then he froze.

He stole his blanket back.

It was late.

The room was dark. So dark that checking the time would hurt his eyes.

He rolled over and sighed.

Or yawned.

It was hard to tell which.

Evan’s bed was empty.

That was a surprise, but also not a surprise. 

He tried not to think about that.

He tried not to think about the look on Evan’s face when he left for Lisbeth’s. He tried not to think about the way Jared kept scowling at him. He tried not to think about any of it.

Being around Gabe wasn’t supposed to be stressful.

Being around Gabe was easy and safe and fun.

And temporary.

That was always the best part.

Gabe was already awake when Connor woke up the next time. He smiled and covered his mouth. “Hi.”

Connor covered his too. “Hi.”

“Morning breath?” 

Connor shrugged because he wasn’t sure. “I didn’t want you to feel self-conscious.”

Gabe kissed his cheek. “I appreciate that.”

Connor checked the time. It was almost nine. “What time’s your train?”

“Twelve.”

“Right.” Connor yawned and stretched and pulled himself up. “We should get going then. I’d be a bad host if I didn’t feed you before you leave.”

“You don’t want to...” Gabe gave him a smile that was obviously meant to be seductive.

Connor shook his head and gestured at the door. “People are up.”

That was only part of it. Gabe looked down like he got that.

“Last night was fun.”

“And safe,” Connor nodded.

Gabe’s expression turned wistful. “And never going to happen again.”

Connor tilted his head and frowned. “Oh. Are you, uh...”

“I’m single,” Gabe said quickly. “Totally, heartbreakingly single.”

“Then what-”

Gabe tapped the sides of his forehead. “My psychic powers tell me you won’t be the next time our paths cross.”

Connor stared at him for a beat. “You’re psychic?”

Gabe shrugged.

“Since when?”

“It comes and goes.”

Connor shook his head. “Okay...”

Gabe glanced around the room. “Where’s Evan?”

Connor checked his phone. No texts. No calls. Nothing. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting. “No idea.”

“We should ask him to get breakfast with us.”

Connor’s head flew back up. “Why?”

Gabe smiled like he knew something Connor didn’t.

Or did.

Or didn’t want to know. Or think about. Or acknowledge. 

Connor nodded at the door. “Come on. Let’s go eat.”

Connor sipped his coffee and willed his brain to wake up. And stop spinning. The spinning was the worst.

Gabe studied him for a moment. “You okay?”

Connor forced himself to nod. He didn’t attempt a smile.

He kept replaying his conversation with Evan. It had been weird. He knew it had been weird.

Evan had been dodgy and difficult and distant. 

And weird.

Really weird.

“Where was Evan last night?” Gabe asked in an excessively innocent tone.

Connor raised his eyebrows to tell him there was no need for that.

Gabe sipped his tea. “He came out of the bathroom right before you did. I thought he might’ve said...”

Connor poked at his pancakes. “He stayed at Lisbeth’s.”

“The dragon lady?” Gabe cackled. “Plot twist!”

“Not really,” Connor shrugged. “Jared and I actually had a bet going about that.”

“Oh. Which side were you-”

“I didn’t think he would,” Connor said quickly. He took a breath. “He said he didn’t like her that way. He said he didn’t like her at all. I...”

He shoved his fork in his mouth when Gabe started to smile.

“Sometimes these things have nothing to do with liking someone.”

“Yeah,” Connor snorted.

“Is Lisbeth hot?”

Connor wrinkled his nose.

“Sometimes these things have to do with...” Gabe took a bite of his eggs. “It’s funny, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“He hooked up with a girl he can’t stand right after seeing us.”

Connor dropped his fork.

His appetite was suddenly gone.

Gabe smiled knowingly. “Are you going to finish that?”

Connor dropped the bill in Jared’s lap. “Here.”

Jared blinked up at him and turned it over in his hand. “What?”

“You won.”

It took Jared a second to get that. It was amusing to watch him work it out.

He leapt off the couch when he did. “He hooked up with Lisbeth?”

Connor nodded slightly.

Jared burst out laughing and waved the money around triumphantly. “I knew it! I knew! I...”

He flopped back down. “How are you holding up?”

Connor rolled his eyes and sat down. “I’m pissed that I’m out ten dollars.”

Jared hummed and shoved the money in his pocket. “You want to bet on something else?”

Connor shook his head.

Jared stared at him for a beat. “You want to talk about it?”

Connor shook his head again.

“He makes her laugh.”

Evan’s tone was soft and light and filled the room.

Connor rolled over and allowed his eyes a moment to adjust to the dark. “Geoff?”

Evan nodded. At least Connor thought he did. It was hard to tell from across the room.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” Evan muttered. “Is it enough to build a marriage on though?”

“I’m sure she’s marrying him for other reasons too.”

“I guess.”

“I thought you were okay with it.”

Evan sat up. “I am... I... I’m trying. I want to be okay with it.”

“Trying is good.”

“Yeah.”

Connor tilted his head back. “Gabe made it home safely.”

He didn’t know why he said that.

He knew the topic of Gabe was not a welcome one.

He knew Evan wanted to chalk up all the weirdness from the morning to his mother’s engagement, but it was more than that.

Connor knew that. He didn’t want to know it or think about it or acknowledge it, but...

He knew it.

And part of him wanted to toss it out there.

“That’s good,” Evan mumbled. He twisted around to face Connor. “Are you going to see him again before he heads back to California?”

“He leaves tomorrow.”

“So?” Evan shrugged.

“His family lives three hours away.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I might see him this summer.”

He stared at his hands.

He didn’t know why he’d said that. They had made no such plans. The subject hadn’t come up at all. 

Evan threw himself onto his pillow. “I’m going to try to go to sleep now.”

The silence was swift and strong. 

Connor decided not to dwell on it. He yawned and rolled back over.

The meeting went better than Connor had expected.

He’d been expecting to be laughed out of the office. To be told his ideas were ridiculous and weak and in no way acceptable for a senior thesis.

His advisor had proved him wrong.

It was a relief, but also kind of terrifying because now he actually had to start thinking about writing the paper.

At least he had a year to do it.

Only a year.

He wondered if it was too late to switch majors. He wondered if it was too late to switch schools. He...

He almost ran into someone when he started down the stairs.

He opened his mouth to apologize and then he laughed. “What are you doing here?”

Evan’s face fell when he saw him. “Am I too late?”

Connor tilted his head. “For?”

“Did you already have your meeting?”

“Dr. Foster was able to squeeze me in before her 2 pm class.”

“Oh,” Evan sighed. “I thought the meeting was at 2.”

Connor’s eyes dropped to the bag Evan was clutching. “What’s that?”

Evan shoved it at him. “For good luck. Or to, uh, to celebrate now, I guess.”

His eyes widened. “Did you get it?”

Connor tore into the bag of cookies. “I got it.”

He held the bag out to Evan. 

Evan shoved one in his mouth. “Look at us. Rising seniors who-”

“Are freaking out about all the work we have to do?”

“I was going to say who actually know what we’re doing, but yeah. That’s, uh... yeah.”

Connor grinned and handed him another cookie.

Zoe smiled as she paged through his book. “What class is this for again?”

“Art something or another,” Connor shrugged.

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “You don’t even know what it’s called?”

Connor shrugged again. “It was Evan’s idea to take it. We both needed the art credits and it’s supposed to be an easy A.”

He was starting to think he’d taken that for granted. The final project was harder than he’d expected. 

It was bold of the professor to assume he had a favorite childhood memory.

Zoe snorted when she got to the part about the ducks. “I remember this.”

She closed the book as carefully as she could and handed it back. “How are you going to end it?”

“With the four of us eating dinner under the stars.”

Zoe smiled as she hugged herself. “Are you going to get it back after it’s graded?”

“I don’t know.”

“You should ask for it back. It’ll make Mom cry.”

“I don’t want to make Mom cry!”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Happy tears. She’d love to see it.”

She would. He knew Zoe was right about that. 

He was just glad the book was too bulky to go on the fridge.

Zoe glanced around the room. “You haven’t started packing yet?”

“I still have five days.”

“I took a carload home last weekend.” She stared at her hands as they jumped around in her lap. “You know who else would love to see your book?”

“Dad?” Connor guessed.

Zoe blinked at that. “Well, yeah, but I was actually thinking about Evan.”

“Evan?”

“Evan,” Zoe confirmed. She pressed her lips together and nodded at the door. “You should let him see it when you’re done.”

“Okay,” Connor muttered. 

Zoe looked at him like she wanted to say something else. 

She stood up when she decided not to.

“I’ll let you get back to it.”

She closed the door behind herself. 

Connor uncapped his marker and went back to work.

He let Evan read the book before he handed it in. He stood there and let Evan gush about it. He told him the whole story. The real story. He smiled when it made Evan laugh. 

He didn’t know why he’d kept it from him in the first place.

That didn’t sound right. He hadn’t made an active decision to keep it from Evan. He just had.

Because things between them had been weird ever since the supply closet. Kind of weird. They were just off enough for him to want to keep some things to himself.

They were just off enough for him to feel like it would be in his best interest to avoid Evan whenever possible.

Which wasn’t an easy task, seeing as how they shared a room.

And because avoiding Evan wasn’t something he actually wanted to do. 

It was easier to give into the awkwardness and pretend it didn’t exist.

There was always a chance it didn’t.

There was always a chance it was all in his head.

There was also a chance the awkwardness just existed because they were both busy and stressed and tired. There was a chance it had nothing to do with Gabe or the supply closet or the kiss that may or may not have happened.

He didn’t know who he thought he was fooling with that last part. Not himself. He couldn’t even fool himself.

It had happened.

He just liked to think there was a chance it hadn’t.

Because things with Evan were supposed to be simple and safe. And the kiss was not. 

It definitely was not.

Connor decided to go into the living room when he felt the need to check his notes again. He’d lost count of how many times he’d woken up to do that. 

Evan hadn’t though. Evan may not have been capable of using words at that moment, but he knew exactly how many times Connor had woken him up by turning his desk light on. 

Connor decided it would be in his best interest to leave the room before he ended up getting a shoe chucked at him. 

The living room wasn’t empty. That was a surprise, seeing as how it was the middle of the night.

Chris was sprawled out on the floor with his head resting on a textbook. It took Connor a second to realize he was snoring. 

Cole was sitting on the couch with dozens of index cards surrounding him. He glanced up when Connor walked in. “His alarm’s set for six. I checked before he passed out.”

Connor nodded and smothered a yawn. “What’re you doing up?”

He knew Cole had already taken all his finals. He’d been gloating about it all night.

“Wedding stuff.”

“Oh,” Connor muttered. “I need to go over my English notes again.”

Cole motioned for him to go ahead.

Connor plopped down on the floor next to the couch. His curiosity got the best of him. He craned his neck to see what Cole was up to.

Cole narrowed his eyes. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

Connor blinked because he seriously had no idea where that had come from.

“To get married,” Cole went on. “You think it’s crazy that I’m getting married next month.”

“It’s none of my business,” Connor shrugged.

“You think I’m too young.”

“Lots of people get married young.”

“You don’t think I’ve known Cara long enough to marry her.”

He had him there. Connor lowered his head and paged through his notes. 

“My parents only knew each other three weeks before they got married. They’ve been together for 25 years.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

“It’s the same with Cara’s parents.”

“So, you two have the same values then?”

Cole folded his arms across his chest. “This isn’t about sex.”

Connor snorted. “Okay...”

“I’ve had sex.”

That made Connor laugh. It made him laugh harder than he would’ve liked. The combination of exhaustion and stress and uncertainty he’d been dealing with for weeks made him double over with laughter.

He laughed so hard he made Chris stir and moan in his sleep.

Cole waited until he calmed down. “More than once.”

He grinned when Connor started chuckling again.

Connor forced himself to breathe. “Why are you getting married then?”

“Because I love her.”

“You’ve known her for-”

“Six months. I know. I’ve known since the start.”

Connor tilted his head. “It was love at first sight?”

“Not love,” Cole admitted. “I got a feeling in my gut and I just knew. So did she. That’s why we’re getting married.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. He absentmindedly flipped a page of his book.

“When you know, you know,” Cole sighed.

He looked so happy Connor couldn’t make fun of him.

“And,” Cole breathed. “I don’t know. I’ve always hated being alone. I didn’t know if I’d ever find someone who... who’d want to, you know, put up with me.”

Connor lifted his head to blink at him.

“I know I’m not the, uh, the easiest person to be around and Cara... she...” He shrugged. “Way I see it, why wait? If you know, you know.”

Cole’s ears went red. He looked at Connor like he was waiting to be attacked.

Connor forced himself to smile. It wasn’t as hard as he’d expected. “I guess I’m happy for you then.”

Cole did a double take. “Really?”

“Really,” Connor nodded.

_If you know, you know. _

Cole’s words bounced around Connor’s brain while he tried to fall asleep.

He blinked at the ceiling and silently let them roll off his tongue.

_If you know, you know. _

Cole was going with his gut. Connor understood that. He respected that. He did that all the time.

He acted impulsively when his gut told him his actions were right. He trusted it, even though it had steered him wrong more times than he could count.

He wondered if his gut would be right if he ever found a Cara of his own. 

He wondered if he already had.

He felt like smacking himself when that thought popped up. He took a breath and chalked it up to being excessively tired. And stressed and uncertain about everything.

He thought about how quickly he’d become friends with Evan, about how easy it had been, about how his gut had been right for a change. 

His gut had told him to make friends with Evan and that had actually turned out well.

Really well.

He rolled onto his side and pressed his forehead like doing that would force his brain to slow down so he could sleep.

He stared blankly at the wall.

He stared blankly until he realized he wasn’t staring blankly.

And he wasn’t staring at the wall.

He was staring at Evan.

The sun was starting to rise. There was enough light in the room that he could see Evan’s face.

Not clearly, but still.

He could see it and he was staring.

Evan’s eyes were closed. He looked calm and peaceful and...

Connor’s heart skipped a beat.

He was screwed.

He was so totally screwed.


	28. Summer After Junior Year

Connor really needed to learn to think before he spoke.

Whenever he spoke. He needed to learn to think every time he opened his mouth.

Because that was the thing, wasn’t it? It was always one extreme or the other with him. He either spent so much time analyzing what he was thinking that he ended up keeping it to himself or he blurted it out the second it crossed his mind. 

Being at school had made the latter become his default way of communicating. It was safe there. His roommates either laughed at him or ignored the stupid things he said. 

Or got them. Sometimes they got them.

Evan almost always did.

It was dangerous to blurt things out at home. He was either told he was being dramatic or he was taken seriously. Too seriously. He either got an eye roll or a trip to Disney World. It was one extreme or the other.

The flight to Florida was fine. So was the ride to the condo they were renting.

It was quiet. They managed to go the whole morning without saying a word to each other. 

Which was a good thing because Connor didn’t know how they were going to make their list of safe conversation topics last three days.

It was a good thing his father had brought his briefcase with him.

And that Connor was good at pretending to be asleep.

He had a feeling his father would be convinced he had narcolepsy by the time they made it home.

He flipped through the photos quickly before hitting send. They’d come out better than he’d expected. He’d been expecting there to be at least one blurry mess. It was hard to snap pictures from a moving vehicle.

He jumped when he heard his father chuckling behind him. He hugged his phone to his chest even though he knew it was too late.

“Evan likes trees.”

The explanation sounded weak, even to him.

He cleared his throat and tried again. “It’s a joke. An inside joke.”

The words came out faster than he would’ve liked.

His father was smiling when he glanced over his shoulder.

“We’re all checked in,” Larry said. He nodded at the elevator. “There’s a shuttle leaving for the park in a half hour.”

Connor forced himself to nod. 

He followed his father to the elevator.

He followed him to the room.

He was relieved when his father’s phone chimed while he was fumbling with the door.

His father had a text. Hopefully that would lead to a phone call, which would lead to an impromptu teleconference, which would give him a chance to slip away and explore on his own.

He gasped when his father threw an arm around his shoulder and snapped a picture.

His father smiled at his surprise. “Zoe wants proof that we made it here alive.”

By alive, she meant without killing each other. 

That was clearly implied.

Connor responded to that by fumbling through his bag.

He glanced up long enough to see that his father was laughing at whatever Zoe had said. 

He tried not to think about that.

“Do you want me to take your picture with the plant?”

Connor kept his head down and pretended he hadn’t heard the question.

It was easy to do that while there was a marching band playing ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ next to them.

“Don’t you think Evan would like to get some pictures with you in them?”

Connor was tempted to ignore that question too. 

He would have if it hadn’t made several people turn and look.

He swallowed sharply and shook his head. 

He put his phone away. He’d sent Evan enough pictures.

More than enough, really.

The line crept forward.

He fanned himself and craned his neck to see if they’d gotten any closer to the ride.

He frowned when he saw the way his father was studying him. “What?”

“You know, for someone who wanted to go to Disney World, you aren’t...” Larry’s mouth snapped shut. He closed his eyes and sighed like everything about the day was trying his patience.

Which it probably was.

Connor puffed out his cheeks. “I didn’t want to go to Disney World.”

Larry frowned like he was trying to figure out how they’d ended up there then. “But you said-”

“I didn’t think we’d actually come here!”

Larry stared at him for a moment before he started to laugh. He laughed like he was incapable of stopping.

Connor didn’t know if that was because of what he’d said or because of how tired they were.

Or the heat.

It was possible his father was experiencing heat stroke.

He kept his eyes straight ahead. “I don’t know. It was the first thing to pop into my head.”

Larry nodded slowly. “You really didn’t want to go fishing.”

Connor snorted. “Yeah.”

“Where should we be then?”

“What?” Connor blinked.

“Now that you’ve had some time to think about it, what would you have chosen?”

“Home.”

“Home?”

Connor shrugged. “I’m a homebody.”

“So, you’d rather be home, hanging out with Evan, than-”

“I didn’t say anything about Evan!”

The words came out sharper than Connor would’ve liked.

His phone buzzed.

Evan wanted to know more about the flowers outside the airport.

He ignored the question.

He also ignored the look his father gave him when he saw him ignore it.

Connor collapsed on his bed when they got back to the room.

Part of him hoped his father would suggest they order a pizza and call it a night.

The other part was horrified by the idea of staying in.

He honestly wasn’t sure which was worse.

They wound up getting carryout and eating by the pool. 

It took them exactly seven minutes to cover every topic on their list of safe conversation topics.

Make that his list of safe conversation topics.

Connor nearly choked on his burger when his father kept talking.

“This reminds me of the place I proposed to your mother.”

Connor nearly choked again. He felt like that was a story he should know. 

At the very least, he felt like it was one he should want to know.

He kept his eyes on the water when he realized neither of those statements were particularly true. 

His father kept talking anyway.

Because he needed to talk or wanted to talk or the silence was getting to him.

The silence between them. 

The pool area wasn’t silent. People were talking and laughing and flirting with each other.

And there was a calypso band playing on the stage.

At least they weren’t as loud as the marching band.

Connor’s eyes landed on a couple by the bar.

A potential couple.

A potential hookup, most likely.

He looked away when he realized what he was doing.

Not because he was scared of getting caught. The couple was lost in their own little world.

Because his father had noticed them too.

“Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Connor was glad he’d put his burger down or he would’ve almost choked a third time. “What?”

Larry shrugged. “It’s just a question.”

It was just a question.

A question his father was really getting comfortable asking him.

Connor wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He was used to being interrogated about his classes and his grades and his health.

His love life had always been off limits.

Probably because it had been nonexistent.

That hadn’t stopped his parents from asking him if he’d made any friends when he was in high school though.

He took a sip of his soda to buy himself some time.

He hoped his father would take that as a cue to move on to something else.

He did not.

Connor put his drink down and shrugged. “No.”

Larry squinted at him for a moment. “You don’t like talking about this.”

Connor shrugged again.

“You really don’t like talking about this.”

“It’s weird!” Connor hissed.

“Talking about it with me or talking about it in general?”

Connor’s mouth opened and closed several times. He twisted around to applaud the band when they finished their set.

“Zoe doesn’t have a problem talking to me about these things.”

That was news to Connor. 

It took a second for that sink in and then it wasn’t a surprise.

“You talk to her about Jared during your morning jogs?”

A look flashed across his father’s face.

For a second, he thought he’d done it. He’d successfully changed the course of the conversation.

And then his father smiled. “She mentioned your friend Gabe came to see you a few weeks ago.”

Connor’s hand twitched against his thigh. He resisted the urge to pull out his phone and tell Zoe exactly what he thought about that.

He chanced a glance in his father’s direction.

He wondered what else she’d mentioned.

The supply closet. The supply closet was at the top of the list of things he was hoping she hadn’t shared.

The supply closet and what she thought it meant. What he thought she thought it meant.

It wasn’t like it was something they’d discussed.

“Are you and Gabe-”

“Friends,” Connor interrupted. “We’re just friends.”

“And Evan...”

“Friends,” Connor drawled. “Just friends.”

He wondered if that question had come from something Zoe had said or if he’d done something to inspire it.

He wasn’t sure which was worse.

He slurped down the rest of his drink. “I’m not really interested in dating anyone right now.”

That was true for more reasons than he cared to name.

“I felt the same way before I met your mother.”

Connor wrinkled his nose at his father’s expression.

It was weird. Weird enough for him to wonder if Zoe had been right when she’d said she thought their parents had started attending couples counseling.

His father sighed. “I’m trying here, Connor.”

“Trying to what?” Connor yelped.

His father sighed again.

Connor sighed too. “I know.”

“You know?”

Connor shrugged.

“You don’t care?”

“I...” Connor stared at his hands. “I don’t know.”

Larry closed his eyes. “This trip was a mistake.”

“I could’ve told you that before you wasted your money.”

“I thought-”

“You thought?” Connor laughed. “This was Mom’s idea.”

It hadn’t been his mother’s idea.

He knew that when he saw the way his father’s eyes dropped.

She’d just taken the blame for it.

And run with it.

His father had probably just thought they should grab a bite to eat. It had definitely been her idea to make a weekend out of it.

Something twisted in Connor’s stomach.

He was suddenly reminded of something Evan had said.

He turned to look his father in the eye. “Are you dying?”

His father wasn’t dying.

Or so he said.

Connor had his doubts.

Not many doubts, but they were there. It wouldn’t shock him if his father only had months to live.

The thought of that made him sad. Kind of sad. More than kind of sad.

It would’ve been worse if he’d thought it was real.

His father didn’t come out and say it, but he knew what this was really about.

His grandfather’s death had left his father reeling. It had made him want to repair the relationships that were important to him.

Apparently, his relationship with his son was one of them.

Connor suspected it was at the top of the list.

Not because it was the most important.

Because it was the most strained.

He knew Zoe had a better relationship with their parents than he did. He knew her relationship with their father was infinitely stronger than his. It had been even before she’d started trying to whip him into shape so he didn’t drop dead from a heart attack.

And he knew things between his parents were better. Stable. Not as hostile as they used to be.

His grandfather’s death had been a blessing in that sense. It had helped his mother feel needed.

Which meant he was it. The last item on his father’s to-do list. 

The hardest, most stubborn item. The one his father was dying to check off so he could move on with his life.

Connor decided it would benefit both of them if he tried to help with that.

The second day was better than the first.

They weren’t as tired and the weather wasn’t as hot and they’d reached an understanding of some kind.

Connor wasn’t entirely sure what the understanding was, but it was there. It existed. 

His father didn’t even tease him when he sent Evan a picture of a palm tree. 

They decided to spend the afternoon at Universal. They took a picture in front of Hogwarts and sent it to their family. 

Connor decided to send it to Evan too.

He was pretty sure his father saw that. He didn’t say anything, but he smiled and said there was an interesting looking bush to their left.

Connor decided to send a picture of that as well.

Spending the summer doing nothing was no longer an option for Connor.

Part of him missed those days. Most of him didn’t.

Deep down, he knew it was better for him to be productive.

Everything was better when he was productive.

He went into the summer not knowing how he was going to spend it, but that changed quickly.

He spent a few days toying with the idea of working at the park with Evan.

And then he realized that was a terrible idea.

For so many reasons.

He didn’t know anything about trees or plants or animals or anything that could be found in nature.

He didn’t particularly like nature. He didn’t dislike it. It just wasn’t his thing.

It was Evan’s thing.

Everything he knew about it came from Evan.

And that wasn’t all.

He got sunburned easily. He was scared of birds. He didn’t like hiking. He didn’t like bugs. He didn’t like people. Or their questions.

Mainly their questions.

The job sounded like a nightmare when he actually started thinking about it.

The only good thing about it was that Evan would be there too.

And he wasn’t actually sure if that was a good thing.

He took a job at the library.

Which should’ve been a no brainer.

It was much more his speed and would look good on his resume. 

Evan sounded relieved when he heard.

Connor tried not to think about that.

He tried not to think about any of it.

It wasn’t as hard as it could’ve been. 

There wasn’t really a convenient time to realize you’d developed something that resembled a crush on your best friend, but summer vacation came close.

At least he didn’t have to see Evan every day. 

He didn’t even talk to him every day. There were days when they didn’t even text.

He hated those days.

And then he hated himself for hating them. 

Cole’s wedding came along at the perfect time. It was weird how perfect it was.

It was also weird how much Connor was looking forward to it. If someone had told him that three years ago, he would’ve laughed in their face.

Or worse. Probably worse. 

It wasn’t the ceremony itself that had him excited. It wasn’t even the reception.

It was what it meant. What it meant for him, not for Cole.

For Cole, it was an event that would probably result in fatherhood and hopefully wouldn’t end in divorce.

For Connor, it was an excuse to get out of the house that had nothing to do with giving stickers to third graders.

It was an excuse to see his friends. All his friends. Including Evan.

Not just Evan.

Mostly Evan.

Every minute of the weekend was scheduled. Cole’s family had seen to that. They actually gave each guest a laminated list of events.

That explained a lot about Cole and proved he really was the laidback one in his family.

It could’ve been worse.

The rehearsal was relatively painless. So was the luncheon. 

The hunting trip was what lost them.

All of them. None of Cole’s former roommates wanted to participate in that. 

Ryan came up with the plan to get them out of it. Which meant it wasn’t exactly what you’d call smooth.

It also wasn’t much of a plan. He just told them all to bring booze and head south.

They all ended up getting lost at least once and Seth slipped on a rock and Kai was convinced he was being stalked by a squirrel.

It did the trick though.

And that was all that really mattered. 

It was late when they turned in for the night. 

Late but not too late. They had to be up early after all.

It felt later than it actually was.

Probably because the walk back to the hotel had been long and exhausting. It wouldn’t have been that bad if they hadn’t consumed so much alcohol.

Jared passed out the second he threw himself on his bed. He didn’t even take his shoes off.

Evan collapsed on the other one without so much as a glance in Connor’s direction.

Connor didn’t know what to do about that.

There were two beds and three of them.

And he was so tired he couldn’t see straight.

There was no way he was sharing with Jared. He wouldn’t have tried that, even if Jared hadn’t managed to stretch out so far he was actually touching every corner of the bed.

He climbed in next to Evan before he could think about it too much.

Because that was the obvious solution, the only sensible response to his dilemma.

And that was all that really mattered.

It occurred to him later that he could’ve called the front desk and asked if they had a rollaway. 

It was late when that thought popped into his head.

Really late.

And he was comfortable.

Really comfortable.

Evan was snuggled up against him. Or maybe he was snuggled up against Evan. 

It was hard to tell which. It didn’t matter which. 

He was sober enough to think he was drunk enough to think it was a good idea to stay put.

It was awkward when they woke up, but it could’ve been worse.

Evan seemed more embarrassed about having used him as a pillow than anything else. 

Not that there was anything else for them to be embarrassed about.

Connor tried to tell himself that.

He also tried to ignore Jared’s teasing. He tried to ignore everyone’s teasing.

Because, of course, Jared couldn’t keep what he’d seen to himself.

Connor was just glad his friends got the worst of it out of their systems before Zoe arrived.

The wedding wasn’t as bad as Connor had been expecting.

He’d been expecting a lengthy service filled with sermons and prayers.

It was almost a letdown when he realized how short it really was.

Cole looked happy. Connor didn’t think he’d ever seen him look that happy. He looked so happy it was a wonder he didn’t float away.

It was weird.

It was yet another thing Connor had needed to see to believe.

Alana’s dance moves also belonged on that list.

Connor shook his head when she clapped her hands at him again.

“Come on,” Alana begged.

Connor shook his head as firmly as possible.

Alana clasped her hands under chin and batted her eyelashes. “Please.”

“No,” Connor laughed.

“Seriously?” Alana groaned. “You asked me to this. I didn’t drive all this way for the fun of it.”

She had him there.

He still didn’t feel like dancing though.

Tracy saved him.

She popped up behind Alana and spun her around and led her out onto the dance floor without saying a word. 

Connor couldn’t have been more grateful.

He watched them bounce around and take turns twirling each other. It was adorable and hilarious and made something twist in his stomach.

It twisted even harder when he realized Evan was watching them too. 

He tried not to think about that.

He watched them until the music changed. 

It didn’t faze them when a slow song came on.

They wrapped their arms around each other and started to sway.

It was adorable. Stomach-twistingly adorable. 

He couldn’t look away.

Alana caught up with him in the parking lot. She grabbed his arm to make him stop. “We’re going to head out now.”

He looked past her to see Tracy. “You aren’t spending the night?”

She chuckled uncertainly. “It’s only four. We have plenty of time to get home.”

Connor nodded because they did. And he hadn’t asked them to stay. “Okay.”

“This was fun.”

“Yeah.”

“More fun than I thought it would be. You made it sound like Cole’s family was kind of, uh...” She wrinkled her nose.

“They are.”

“They did a good job of hiding it then.”

They had done a good job of hiding it.

Or maybe they weren’t as terrible as Connor had thought.

He scratched his neck. “You guys seem happy.” 

Alana glanced over her shoulder to smile at Tracy. The smile was not returned because Tracy was busy saying goodbye to Evan. “We are.”

“And...”

Alana tilted her head. “And what?”

He didn’t know how to word it. He wasn’t even sure if he actually wanted to say his thoughts out loud.

He closed his eyes and decided to go ahead.

It wasn’t like he had anything to lose by asking.

He glanced around quickly to make sure there was no chance they’d be overheard.

“You were friends with Tracy for a while before you got together, weren’t you?”

Alana snorted. “Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“We were friends and then we weren’t and...” Alana shrugged. “That day at Louie’s, the one where you...”

It was Connor’s turn to snort. “Tried to set you up with Evan?”

“Yeah,” Alana grinned. “That was the first time we’d talked since graduation.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Really talked. We texted each other sometimes.”

“She was your best friend though, wasn’t she? Zoe said she was.”

Alana considered that for a moment. “I guess you could say that.”

“And-”

“Evan,” Alana interrupted. “This is about Evan?”

Connor’s eyes darted around frantically.

“I heard Jared teasing you earlier.”

Connor took a breath. “I don’t know. Sometimes I, uh, I think I might...”

Alana’s eyes flashed. “It sucks, doesn’t it?”

“What sucks?”

“Alicia used to tell me I was such a cliché. You know, the lesbian who fell for her straight best friend.”

“Tracy isn’t straight though.”

“I didn’t know that then,” Alana laughed. “I didn’t even know she was my best friend. I was such a mess.”

“But you knew you liked her?”

Alana shrugged. “As much as I knew anything.”

“Oh.”

Alana studied him for a moment. “What’s this about?”

“You know,” Connor muttered.

“I think I know. I’ve been really wrong about these things before though.”

Connor glanced at Tracy again.

She was on the phone. Evan was nowhere to be seen.

Which meant he could be anywhere.

Connor’s mouth snapped shut.

Alana smiled knowingly. “We can talk later.”

Connor nodded slightly.

Alana patted his arm. “I’m serious. Call me, beep me, if you want to reach me.”

Connor nodded again. “Okay.”

She turned to go. She stopped when she saw the way his face was twitching. 

She raised her eyebrows while she waited to see if he was going to spill.

His eyes darted around quickly. The parking lot was almost empty. The people who were attending the after-party were making their way down the street to the bowling alley.

He sucked in a breath when he saw Evan was part of that crowd.

He opened his mouth and the words started tumbling out.

He told her about the supply closet. He told her about how weird things had been since then. He told her about how there were times they weren’t weird at all. He told her about how weird he felt. He told her that was the worst part. 

“It might be nothing,” he whispered. “I might be imagining things.”

“It’s not nothing.”

“It might be.”

“You haven’t talked about it at all?”

Connor shook his head.

“And you shared a bed last night?”

Connor nodded.

“And you ended up spooning each other?” She waved her hand dismissively when his eyes bulged. “I saw the pictures.”

“I’m going to kill Jared.”

“It was cute. Adorable, actually.”

Connor made a face. “I’m glad you’re so-”

He whipped around to see what she was staring at.

Tracy was off the phone.

Alana held up a finger to tell her to wait. “You need to talk to him.”

Connor shrugged because he knew he did. He also knew that was easier said than done.

“I’m not saying you should tell him how you feel.”

“I don’t know how I feel!”

She smiled like she didn’t believe that. “I’m saying you should address the kiss. Addressing it might help make the weirdness go away.”

She had a point.

Connor wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it though.

She smiled like she got that. “I should go.”

She squeezed his arm as she walked by. “Sleep tight.”

She laughed like she’d made a hilarious joke.

It was still early when they got back to the room. Early enough that they were both wide awake. Late enough that the feeling would fade before they could make it home safely.

It was just the two of them. Jared had gone off with Zoe. Which somehow felt like a blessing and a curse.

At least they each had a bed of their own.

And at least there was no one there to document the weirdness.

It definitely weirded Evan out when Connor teased him about using him as a pillow. 

It was one of those rare moments that made Connor feel like he needed to start filtering himself around Evan.

Sleep didn’t come easily for either of them.

Connor could hear Evan tossing and turning across the room. 

He wondered if he should say something. He wondered what he would say if he did.

Something stupid, probably.

Really stupid.

Asking Evan if he wanted to watch their soap was the only thing that popped into his head.

Which was a terrible idea because it would mean he was asking him to do something that would require them to be on the same bed.

Or on the floor.

Neither of those options sounded good to him.

He decided to keep his mouth shut.

Summer break usually flew by for Connor. At least it used to be that way. It started slowing down after he finished high school.

Sometimes it felt like it was never going to end.

It wasn’t that he was eager to get back to school. It always felt weird being at home again, but it was more than that.

This time it was because he was bored.

His job at the library wasn’t so much a job as it was a part-time volunteer position. He didn’t even have to show up every day.

And that was all he had going on.

It got so bad that he actually asked his mother if he could go to one of her garden club meetings. 

In his defense, it was being held at the local art museum and he knew he’d be able to ditch the group right away.

It wasn’t a bad way to spend the afternoon, actually. The only downside was that it confused his mother and made her wonder if he wanted to join the club.

He was bored enough that he actually considered it for a minute.

His sudden lack of a social life was weirdly annoying. Weirdly because it had never been a problem for him in the past.

He’d gotten used to being around people, he supposed.

He’d gotten used to being around Evan.

It was extremely noticeable when Evan suddenly disappeared.

Disappeared wasn’t the right word. It wasn’t that Evan was gone. He was around. Sort of. 

He still answered texts. With one word usually, but he responded.

He’d just stopped seeing people.

People as in plural. As in not just Connor.

It was a relief when Connor realized that. It was a relief when he realized it wasn’t just him.

It was a relief because he’d started working himself into a silent frenzy over it. He’d convinced himself that the wedding weekend had weirded Evan out so much he no longer wanted anything to do with him.

Even worse, he’d convinced himself that Evan had picked up on his sort of crush and was totally freaked out about it.

It was a relief to realize Evan was avoiding Jared and Zoe too.

He was pretty sure neither of them had done anything to creep Evan out.

He was pretty sure Zoe hadn’t at least.

It took him two weeks to decide enough was enough. 

He hated not seeing Evan. He hated not talking to him or knowing what was going on in his life. Really knowing. The one-word texts weren’t cutting it.

Most of all, he hated the nagging feeling that he’d done something wrong.

He decided to tackle the situation head-on. 

Sort of.

He didn’t consciously decide to show up at Evan’s house unannounced. It just sort of happened.

He was on his way home from the library and he made a series of random turns and then suddenly, lo and behold, there he was. 

The house was all lit up, so he knew it wasn’t empty.

He rang the doorbell and waited a second before reaching for his phone.

The door swung open before he could finish his text.

Heidi blinked at him like he was the last person she’d been expecting to see. 

Which was fair.

She glanced over his shoulder like she was looking for someone before blinking again. “Connor.”

He rocked back on his heels. “Is Evan home?”

Heidi shook her head. “They’re having an overnight at the park.”

Connor inhaled sharply. “Oh. Sorry.”

He turned to go.

“Did he invite you over?” Heidi shook her head. “He’s so forgetful sometimes.”

“He didn’t invite me. I was just, uh... I was in the area and I thought I’d...” He shrugged.

She opened the door a bit wider. “Well, since you’re here, do you want to...”

He peered past her to see. It looked like there had been a fabric explosion in the living room. “What’s that?”

“Wedding stuff.” Heidi rolled her eyes. “This is why I wanted to go to the court house.”

“Then why-”

“Geoff,” Heidi smiled. “He’s never been married before.”

“And he wants all that?”

Heidi shook her head. “His parents do. They never thought they’d live to see the day he got married.”

Connor gestured at the living room. “I’m not really any good with, uh, with whatever that is.”

“You’re good at sorting things though.” She narrowed her eyes like she was daring him to deny that. 

He knew better than to try. She’d seen how skilled he was with a highlighter. 

She clasped her hands together and gazed up at him. “I just ordered Chinese.”

That settled it. 

He nodded and followed her in.

They worked in silence. 

Connor sorted the fabric samples into piles that made sense to him. 

It didn’t take him long. He finished the job before he’d finished his food. 

He leaned back against the couch and focused on his plate.

Heidi did a double take when she saw he was done. “That was fast.”

“I don’t know if it’s right, but-”

Heidi waved her hand dismissively. “It’s fine. Anything’s better than the mess Geoff dropped off. I tried to get Evan to help me last night and...”

She tilted her head when she saw his expression. “Evan told you about that?”

Connor shook his head. “We haven’t really, uh...”

He shrugged. “He’s been busy.”

Heidi nodded. “He has. I feel like I’ve barely seen him all summer.”

“That makes two of us,” Connor muttered. 

His eyes widened when he heard himself. He grabbed his plate and stood up. “I should go. I told my mom I’d be home for...”

He bit his lip.

“Dinner?” Heidi finished with a grin.

Connor smiled sheepishly. “She’s been buying Brussels sprouts in bulk.”

“Are you sure you don’t want seconds?”

He shook his head. 

Her phone started to ring.

She mouthed the name ‘Geoff’ before picking up.

He motioned at the door to tell her he was going to see himself out.

He didn’t ask her to tell Evan he’d stopped by.

He didn’t know if he wanted Evan to know. 

He decided to leave it up to fate. 

Connor closed his laptop as soon as the movie was over. He rolled onto his side to look at his sister. “Have you always been this evil or is this Jared’s influence rearing its ugly head?”

Zoe blinked at him and smiled innocently. “What’re you talking about?”

Connor gestured at the computer. “That. Why did you choose that movie?”

“You didn’t like it?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it. I asked why you chose it.”

Zoe picked at her nails. “I thought you’d like it. You liked _Love, Simon_.”

“I know, but that...”

“Hit too close to home?”

Her smile was no longer innocent.

Connor narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Zoe pulled herself up into a sitting position. “I’m serious. Is there a reason _The Thing About Harry_ bothered you?”

She asked the question like she already knew the answer.

Which she did because she was right. It had hit too close to home. 

There was no way he was admitting that though.

He shoved her shoulder. “Bedtime. Good night.”

Zoe hopped off his bed. “At least I didn’t pick it for one of our movie nights with Jared.”

Connor threw a pillow at her.

She threw it back. “Or with Evan. I could’ve waited until we got him to join us and-”

She cackled when he lifted his pillow above his head and practically skipped out of the room.

It was Zoe’s idea to go to the park. Jared seconded it immediately. Not because he was dying to see Evan. Because he was sick of Connor being the world’s most annoying third wheel.

He’d said something to that effect multiple times.

Evan did not look pleased to see them.

He tried to hide it, but it was easy to tell. 

He barely looked at them during the hike. He sounded like he wanted to strangle Jared every time he opened his mouth.

Which was fair because Jared was Jared and his questions were the kind of questions only he would think to ask.

Evan took off like a shot as soon as the hike was over.

Connor looked at the others when he was gone. “You ready?”

Zoe pursed her lips and shook her head. “We’re staying.”

They found a picnic table to sit on while they waited. 

Connor automatically reached for his phone because he couldn’t take any more bickering. Any more playful bickering. He’d heard enough of that to last him a lifetime and beyond. 

It had been enough to make him see that Zoe and Jared weren’t the train wreck he would’ve expected them to be. 

Not that he would ever tell them that though. 

And not that he thought it mattered to them. To either of them. 

He turned away when Jared started “threatening” to check Zoe for ticks.

He lifted his phone up like doing that would make it find a signal. 

He sighed and put it back in his pocket.

Evan may have been telling the truth when he said service up there sucked.

Zoe smiled at Evan when he returned. When he reluctantly returned. He did not look happy to see they were still there. 

Zoe smiled anyway. “Sorry for the ambush. You’ve been AWOL lately, so we thought we’d come to you.”

“The word you’re looking for is hermit,” Jared corrected. “Not AWOL. He’s been doing his crazy loner guy hermit thing.”

Zoe shook her head. “He’s been busy. How many times a day do you have to do that?”

“Three or four usually,” Evan said.

“You’re going to be fit by the end of summer.”

“You better watch out,” Jared grinned. “Kai might try to make you join the track team.”

“I’m not a runner though,” Evan muttered.

“But your legs will make you look like you are and-”

“You didn’t come to our Fourth of July party,” Connor blurted out.

He stared at his hands when the others looked at him in shock.

Evan rocked back on his heels. “I had to work.”

“On the Fourth of July?”

“The park didn’t close. It was crazy busy. We had fireworks here that night.”

Zoe nodded slowly. “They did. I remember hearing about that.”

Connor scoffed at that. “You had to help with the fireworks?”

Zoe gave Jared a sideways glance. “Hey, you want to go check out the lake? I want to come back here and go swimming next week.”

She elbowed Jared when he didn’t respond.

And then she practically dragged him away.

Evan’s eyes darted around aimlessly. He looked like he was two seconds away from running for the hills. “I didn’t help with the fireworks. I’m a trail guide, not a... whatever you have to be to do fireworks.”

“An arsonist?”

Evan snorted. It was enough to make him look more relaxed. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Connor swallowed a sigh. “So, you’ve been busy?”

“Yeah...”

“Too busy to return texts?”

“I texted you back. Name one text I haven’t responded to.” 

“So, you haven’t been avoiding me then?”

“Why would I be avoiding you?”

“I don’t know,” Connor muttered. “Because...”

“Because what?”

Connor decided to get right to it. “Cole’s wedding. You used me as a pillow and then it got weird.”

Evan blinked at that. “You thought that was weird?”

“I was only joking when I suggested we share again.”

Evan nodded rapidly. “No, I know.”

“And we only shared in the first place because-”

“We were drunk and you didn’t want to share with Jared. I _know_.” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. “I have to get back to work.”

Connor folded his arms across his chest. He wasn’t ready to let him off the hook that easily. “What are you doing?”

“What?”

“Right now. What are you doing that you have to get back to? Do you have to lead another hike?”

“Not for another hour or so. I...”

“What?” Connor demanded.

Evan glanced around quickly. “I should finish clearing the path behind the welcome center. I started it this morning and then two of the JPRs needed help with something and-”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Let’s go.”

“Go?”

“Clear the path. What does that mean exactly? Are we pulling weeds?”

“We?” Evan shook his head. He looked torn, like he thought he was walking into a trap. 

Connor refused to let himself feel guilty about that. Evan had done this to himself. If he hadn’t been doing his weird hermit thing all month, they wouldn’t be in this position. 

Evan scratched the back of his head. “Okay, fine. The path can wait. I guess I can take a break for a few minutes.”

“Really?” Connor drawled.

Evan rolled his eyes as he sat down at the picnic table. “But just a few.”

Connor didn’t even bother hiding how smug he felt. “You want to set a timer?”

Evan watched his feet as they started kicking a pebble around in front of him. “Shouldn’t you be at work now?”

“It’s a volunteer job.”

“So you get to make your own hours?”

“I only go in three times a week.”

Evan nodded knowingly. “So, that’s the real problem then. You think I’ve been AWOL because you’re bored and I’m not.”

That wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was...

Connor decided he didn’t feel like getting into that. 

He didn’t even feel like thinking about it.

“You’re wearing your hat,” Connor observed.

Evan’s eyes flashed in his direction. “I was desperate.”

“Desperate?” Connor laughed.

“I couldn’t find anything else to wear. I feel like a fraud.”

“Because you’re wearing a Gryffindor baseball cap?”

Evan jabbed a finger in his direction. “You just had to go with Gryffindor, didn’t you? I would’ve been happy with any other house.”

“At least I didn’t get you something from Disney.”

Evan’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What were you going to get there?”

“A Piglet hat.”

Evan shook his head. “That would’ve been better than Gryffindor.”

“It was pink and had rhinestones.”

“My point still stands.”

“What do you have against Gryffindor?”

Evan closed his eyes for a second. “Nothing. I just... It’s the only house I wouldn’t fit in at all.”

He twisted his hands together in front of him. “And the other day, we had this thing up at the nature center and there were all these kids there and this little boy got super excited when he saw my hat. He kept looking at me like... like... I don’t know. Like he expected me to perform or something. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d been wearing a different hat.”

“He would’ve expected you to hiss at him if you’d been wearing a Slytherin cap.”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “I guess...”

“And...” Connor exhaled slowly. “Okay, fine. Next time I go to Orlando, I’ll get you a Piglet hat with extra rhinestones on it.”

Evan nodded firmly. “That’s all I ask.”

Connor let his breath out in a huff. “Are you sure you’re not...”

“Not what?” Evan’s shoulders suddenly dropped. “I may have been avoiding you a little bit.”

He continued on quickly before Connor could get a word in. “Not for the reason you think.”

Connor wasn’t sure what he thought the reason was. 

Or, rather, he wasn’t sure what Evan thought he thought.

He decided he didn’t feel like getting into that either.

“Why then?” Connor demanded.

Evan went silent for a moment. His voice sounded shaky when he started talking again. “Being back here has been weird. Brings back a lot of memories, you know.”

He was poking at his arm. Connor looked away when he saw that.

“This is where you broke your arm?”

Evan nodded. He pointed at a path to their right. “A couple miles down that way. I don’t remember where exactly, so it’s not like there’s a villainous tree I’m warning all the kids about.”

“Jared’s an idiot.”

“He really is,” Evan laughed. “So, I don’t know. It’s weird. Being back here made me feel like...” He shook his head. “It’s not like last time though. It’s more active and I’m around people more and it’s exhausting.”

Evan blinked at the trees. “Last time, I’d spend hours just roaming around. Sometimes I’d go the whole day without seeing anyone. This one time I lost track of time and I didn’t get back to the center until after eight and Burt was the only one still there. He was surprised to see me because he thought everyone was gone. So, now I’m the reason he actually checks the time cards every day to make sure we all made it out of here before dark.”

“See, I would’ve taken advantage of that,” Connor said. “I would’ve run tests to see how long it took people to notice I was gone.”

“I was too scared to do that,” Evan admitted. “Because I was pretty sure it would take days.”

Connor tilted his head. “Your mom wouldn’t have-”

Evan shook his head rapidly. “No. Not then anyway. She was always working and she could never keep up with my schedule, so she wouldn’t have noticed for a while.”

Connor blinked at his hands. “But now? She’d notice now, wouldn’t she?”

“Yeah, probably,” Evan shrugged. “She’d notice or Geoff would. He probably would first actually because he’s being, like, crazy attentive these days. He’s determined to make me like him.”

“I thought you did like him?”

“I do. I just...” Evan shrugged. “It’s weird. I feel like I’m a guest there, like I’m barging in on their lives. And they’re trying so hard to keep me from feeling that way that it’s just...”

“Weird?”

Evan nodded. “It’s been a weird summer, so yeah. I know I probably haven’t been around a whole lot lately.”

“That’s going to change now though, isn’t it?”

Evan chuckled and lifted his hand. “Okay, fine. I’ll do my best not to be a hermit.”

He chewed his lip and reached for his phone. “Starting with... Since you’re here, you want to read an essay I wrote for that English class I’m taking?”

“The online one Mansfield’s teaching?”

Evan nodded. “We had to pick an adaptation of a classic and compare it with the original. I went with _The Lizzie Bennet Diaries_.”

Connor clucked disapprovingly. “That’s too normal for Mansfield.”

“What would you suggest then?”

“I don’t know. _Bride and Prejudice_ would’ve been a better choice for him. When’s it due?”

“Tonight.”

Connor made a face. “Nevermind then.”

“Is it too normal for me to pass the class?”

Connor held out his hand. “Let me see what you got.”

Things got better after that. 

In more ways than one.

Evan started sending texts that contained more than one word again. That was definitely a plus.

And he kept his promise.

He was around more. 

Not a lot more. He did have to work after all. 

He stopped avoiding everyone though. 

And that was something.

It was better than nothing.

Evan’s mother got married the week before they returned to school.

Connor’s whole family was invited to the wedding. He ended up riding out there with his parents since Zoe was going with Jared.

His mother spent the whole drive reminding him how to use basic manners. He was insulted until he realized her reminders were being aimed at his father too.

He didn’t get annoyed until she started acting like he wasn’t going to understand anything that was happening.

“I went to a wedding two months ago,” he finally snapped.

That made his mother pause. She turned around to blink at him.

“Cole,” Connor reminded her. “Cole got married in June. I was in it.”

Cynthia smiled slightly. “That’s right. I guess you’re really in your 20s now.”

Connor didn’t follow that at all.

“Pretty soon you’ll be attending a wedding every weekend.”

Connor doubted it would ever get that bad.

He didn’t say that out loud though.

The idea of him attending a wedding every weekend made her happy for reasons he couldn’t quite understand.

“Pretty soon all your friends will be getting married.”

And there it was.

She was fooling herself into thinking he had dozens of friends.

And that their desire for marital bliss would rub off on him. 

He decided it was in his best interest not to correct her.

Heidi’s wedding was infinitely better than Cole’s.

The music was better. The food was better. Even the air smelled better.

And it wasn’t a dry wedding. That was definitely a good thing.

Connor spent most of the reception following Zoe and Jared around. Jared got so drunk that he stopped complaining about that after the first hour. 

He got so drunk that he started trying to get Connor to go on stage and sing with him, even though there definitely wasn’t a karaoke machine set up. 

He didn’t stop until Zoe promised to go to karaoke night with him when they got back to school.

That statement made Jared so happy he refused to stop nuzzling Zoe’s neck. 

Zoe gave Connor a sympathetic look, but didn’t make him stop.

Connor decided not to complain because it had been his decision to be their third wheel yet again. 

It wasn’t like he’d had a choice though. It wasn’t like he could’ve hung out with Evan instead.

Evan had dinner with them and that was it.

It wasn’t that he was avoiding them. Connor was pretty sure that wasn’t the case.

It was that he was in such high demand he couldn’t waste time with his friends.

Connor barely saw him until it was time to leave.

He hung back and waited while Evan said goodbye to his mother.

Because he wouldn’t be seeing her for a day or two. Because he was going to stay at Connor’s house to give his mom and Geoff some space.

Because that was a thing that was happening. A thing that was in no way, shape, or form going to be awkward or weird or anything like that. 

It was funny to watch Evan with his mother because they were both so drunk that they were having trouble forming words. 

It was really funny because Connor was having trouble forming words too. In his mind. There was no reason for him to speak.

There was no reason until Heidi thanked him for his help with the fabric samples.

That statement obviously confused Evan. He looked between the two of them for a minute before shaking his head and saying it was time for them to go.

Connor was okay with that. 

It was late when they got home. 

It was late and they were all tired and tipsy enough that no one felt like talking.

Connor was grateful for that.

He didn’t think about where Evan was going to sleep until Evan started trying to communicate that that was a problem they needed to solve.

The air mattress was the obvious solution, except that was in the crawlspace and Connor quickly realized it would be in his best interest to avoid climbing a ladder while he was intoxicated.

Luckily, Evan didn’t seem to mind the idea of sleeping on the floor, so that settled that.

He stole a pillow off Connor’s bed and wagged a finger at him and said, “No closets.”

That made Connor freeze. “No closets?”

Evan nodded sleepily. “Nothing good happens in the closet.”

Connor’s mouth opened and closed several times.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think.

Which was fine because he didn’t have to say anything. Evan fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

_Nothing good happens in the closet._

The words bounced around Connor’s head repeatedly while he tried to sleep.

He repeated them over and over again until they stopped sounding like words and started becoming a feeling. 

_Nothing good happens in the closet._

He wondered what Evan meant by that.

He was talking about the kiss, obviously. Which meant that he remembered it.

Which meant that he thought it had been bad?

It hadn’t been good. Connor knew that for a fact. It had been sloppy and awkward and kind of amazing.

Connor tried to shake that thought out of his head.

He was not successful. 

He decided to rip off the band-aid and ask Evan about it when they woke up.

He didn’t waste any time. He got right to the point. “What did you mean when you said no closets?”

Evan rubbed his eyes and blinked up at him. “Huh?”

“Last night, you said no closets. Nothing good happens in the closet.”

Evan shielded his face with his hands. He looked like he wanted to melt into the floor. “Nothing.”

Connor refused to look away.

Evan sighed and wrapped his arms around himself. “I was talking about last spring, when we got stuck in the supply closet.”

“That’s what I thought,” Connor muttered.

“We...” Evan glanced at Connor quickly, like he was weighing his words carefully.

“Kissed?” Connor finished. “You remember that?”

“You remember that?” Evan countered.

They stared at each other for a moment before looking away.

Connor pressed a hand against his forehead. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Are you going to ask me everything I ask you?”

“I don’t know. Am I?”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut and tried to center himself. It only took a second for him to start to laugh. “Okay. Fine. Is that why you’ve been so weird lately?”

He put up a hand to stop Evan. “If you say ‘I don’t know. Is it?’, I’m going to...”

“What?” Evan grinned. “Lock me in another closet?”

Evan’s face went red. He buried it in his arms.

Connor snorted. “We were drunk.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled. 

“And I was freaking out and we’d just been talking about seven minutes in heaven.”

Evan lifted his head. “Yeah...”

“It was just a stupid, dumb, drunk thing.”

Evan exhaled slowly. “Yeah.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I don’t know. Is it?”

It was.

Connor knew it was.

He rolled his eyes and stood up. “I need coffee. Let’s go eat.”


	29. Senior Year - August and September

Alana was right.

Addressing the kiss did make things less awkward.

It made them feel less awkward anyway. 

For Connor at least. He wasn’t sure if the feeling was mutual.

He wasn’t even sure if things between them had actually been awkward in the first place. There was a very real chance it had all been in his head.

There was a very real chance it was all in his head. All of it. Every little bit.

There was a very real chance the thing that resembled a crush was in his head. As in it wasn’t real. As in he only thought it was because he was vulnerable to the power of suggestion.

That was something Therapist #3 had said. Or was it #4?

Whatever. It didn’t matter. 

They’d said that not only did he always think other people thought the worst of him, but he believed it. He believed what he thought they thought about him. 

Or something like that. 

There’d been a lot of padding in that statement, but he was pretty sure that had been the gist of it.

He was also pretty sure it was something he did.

It was enough to make him question his sort of crush on Evan. 

Maybe it wasn’t a sort of crush at all. Maybe it was just something he thought he was experiencing because he was vulnerable to the power of suggestion.

Maybe it was just something his brain had tricked him into thinking he was feeling because he’d heard it so many times.

From Gabe, from Jared, from Zoe, from his parents.

From basically every person who had ever seen him with Evan.

Not that that meant anything.

Evan was his best friend. They were close. That showed. 

It didn’t mean there was anything else going on.

Except there was.

It took him less than two days to realize that.

Seeing Evan on a regular basis again made it annoyingly clear.

It was a good thing they weren’t sharing a room anymore. He didn’t know how he would’ve dealt with that. 

He wouldn’t have, most likely.

He would’ve tried to room with Chris or Seth instead and that would’ve been a disaster.

He would’ve confused Chris and Seth and hurt Evan’s feelings and ended up sleeping on Zoe’s floor until things calmed down again.

And then he would’ve been stuck sharing a room with Evan until graduation.

It was a good thing their suite had four bedrooms. 

It was a good thing his schedule didn’t coordinate with Evan’s anymore.

It was a good thing he had a lot of things to keep him from dwelling on his sort of crush. 

His classes were at the top of that list.

He finally felt like he was learning the things he actually wanted to learn.

Maybe Therapist #1 had been right when she’d wondered if he threw the printer because he was bored.

Partially right. He’d analyzed the situation enough to know there had been more to it than that.

He’d been frustrated. He’d felt like he wasn’t being heard. He’d felt like the room was closing in on him and he needed to do something to make it stop.

And he’d been bored.

He hadn’t found shapes nearly as interesting as Mrs. G thought he should.

He didn’t think he’d ever find shapes as interesting as Mrs. G thought he should.

It was a good thing he wasn’t being graded on them anymore.

He was being graded on his thesis.

That was the second item on his list of things that were keeping him from dwelling on his sort of crush. 

It probably should’ve been the first because it felt bigger than all of his classes put together.

It wasn’t due until the spring though, so it felt like something he could put off.

He only really worked on it when Evan was working on his senior project.

Because that was a thing they did.

They were no longer freshmen who wasted their time trying to solve their soap’s mysteries. They were seniors who had work to do. Real work. Important work.

Important as in they needed it to graduate.

It wasn’t bad, actually.

Lounging around and working in companionable silence was kind of nice.

More than kind of nice.

Nice enough that Connor wondered if he needed to take the words ‘sort of’ out of his sort of crush.

He tried not to think about that.

His social life was the third thing on his list of distractions. 

And the fourth and the fifth and the...

He could go on.

It took up multiple spots because he had multiple friends and multiple kinds of relationships.

He had a weekly lunch date with Cole. That was weird. Really weird. The kind of weird he never could’ve predicted.

It had been Cole’s idea, of course. He’d been so surprised that he’d said yes without thinking. 

And then he was stuck because he was on Cole’s calendar and there was no getting out of that.

It wasn’t that bad, actually. It could’ve been worse.

Cole was a fast eater and they kept things light. Surface-level light. They never went beyond the basics.

It meant a lot to Cole though. That was plain to see. 

And weird. Really weird.

But also, not that weird. It wasn’t like Cole had a ton of friends. Connor didn’t think any of their former roommates were going out of their way to keep up with him, except Jared possibly.

Because Jared genuinely liked Cole. 

And because he was desperate to do things that kept him out of the apartment he was sharing with his brother.

He wasn’t desperate enough to stalk Connor the way he was stalking Evan though. 

Probably because things were tense with Zoe and he knew which side Connor fell on there.

Connor was fine with that. More than fine. He kind of hated it when Jared used him as a sounding board.

He rarely saw Ryan, but that wasn’t a surprise because they’d never been particularly close.

He saw Kai a few times a week because they were in the same philosophy class. They sat together there, which was odd at first because Connor had expected Kai to sit with one of his teammates. He wasn’t sure if there weren’t any other runners in the class or if Kai just liked sitting with him for some reason.

Because they were friends. Kai chose to sit with him because they were friends.

He had to remind himself of that sometimes.

He really had to remind himself of it when he went to Kai’s house to return the book he’d borrowed.

He didn’t know why he’d assumed Kai would be the one to answer the door. He tried not to look too out of place while the guy who did looked him up and down.

“Can I help you?”

Connor waved the book in his hand. “I’m looking for Kai.”

The guy’s posture relaxed. A smile spread across his face. He opened the door a bit wider. “Kai!”

The guy nodded to his left. “He’s in the living room.”

It didn’t take Connor long to notice the house the track team was renting was completely different from the suite he’d lived in the year before.

Everything about it seemed different. The smell, the clutter, the overall mood.

There were over a dozen people in the living room. They were packed in so tight that they were practically on top of each other.

Kai pulled himself up when he spotted Connor. He bounded across the room with a speed that explained how he’d won so many races. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Connor handed him the book. “Thanks.”

Kai looked at him strangely. “You didn’t have to return it that fast.”

He could’ve waited until they saw each other in class.

Connor scratched his neck when he realized that was the implication.

He forced himself to shrug. “I was afraid I’d lose it if I didn’t give it back right away.”

Kai snorted and glanced over his shoulder. “I hear that. Do you think Cole would be interested in making some money? I’m seriously thinking about hiring him to clean this place.”

Connor pointed at the pile of muddy shoes by the door. “He’d probably do it for free.”

Kai snorted again. “You want to come watch the game with us?”

Connor didn’t need to ask what game it was to know he did not. He shook his head.

Kai smiled knowingly. He sighed when he heard his friends yell at the tv. He glanced over his shoulder like he was trying to see through the wall.

Connor took that as his cue to leave. He thanked Kai again and saw himself out.

He glanced inside as he walked by the living room. He watched as Kai chugged his beer. He watched one of Kai’s teammates sneak up on him and smack his butt. He watched Kai howl with laughter and punch the guy’s shoulder.

He wondered what would happen if the two of them got trapped in a supply closet.

He wondered if Kai was a better kisser than he was.

Scratch that.

He was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question.

He wondered if Kai was a better drunk kisser than he was. 

He wondered what Evan would say if he asked.

He wondered if this was just a thing Evan did. He wondered if any of their other roommates had gotten drunk and kissed Evan.

He wondered if he really wanted to know.

He thought about how it would’ve been different if he’d drunkenly kissed one of his other friends in the closet.

Kai would’ve thought it was hilarious. 

Cole would’ve been horrified.

Jared would’ve teased him mercilessly unless it had obviously been a mutual mistake. In which case, it would’ve become the thing they never, ever, under any circumstances discussed.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal if it had been Seth or Chris or Ryan. They would’ve laughed, probably, and let it go without a fuss.

But with Evan...

It was different with Evan. 

Everything felt different with Evan.

He started avoiding Evan.

Not avoiding. That made it sound more active than it really was.

He just stopped actively finding time to hang out with him.

It was easy because they were both busy and their schedules didn’t coordinate and there were days they didn’t see each other at all.

There were days he didn’t see Seth and Chris either. Connor was quick to point that out to himself.

All four of them were busy.

And they were all spending a lot of time alone in their tiny rooms.

Their tiny rooms that were barely bigger than the supply closet where the whole Evan mess had begun.

Had sort of begun.

There was a part of Connor that suspected it had started a lot earlier than that.

He wasn’t sure when it had started.

He wasn’t sure how he’d figure that out.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to figure that out.

He wasn’t even sure what it was. 

He’d always thought that crushes involved racing hearts and sweaty palms. At the very least, he’d thought that people with crushes spent a lot of time picturing the object of their affection naked. Or thinking about how to get the object of their affection naked.

That wasn’t the case with Evan.

It had been the case with Matt. Sort of. Sometimes. 

The Evan thing really was different.

He didn’t spend all his time fantasizing about kissing Evan or doing more than kissing or any of it, really.

He barely spent any time doing that. The amount of time he spent doing that was so insignificant it wasn’t even worth mentioning.

His heart raced sometimes. In a good way, he thought. In a happy way. Not in a way that made him wonder if he was having a heart attack.

His palms didn’t sweat though.

And he didn’t get nervous around Evan. He didn’t freeze or forget how to use words.

He acted normal. 

He thought he did anyway.

Evan did too.

He was pretty sure he would’ve noticed if Evan thought he was acting weird.

“Are you okay?”

Evan’s words didn’t make Connor jump. The hand waving in front of his face did. 

He nearly dropped his phone on the counter. He sighed and put it away before it broke.

He shrugged as he shoveled some more cereal into his mouth. “Yeah. Why?”

“You just stared at your phone for like...” Evan’s head flopped from side to side. “Is your dad threatening to take you to Disney World again?”

“What?” Connor blinked. 

“Disney World? Your dad? For your, uh, for your birthday? Is that what the text was about?”

“That wasn’t my dad.”

“Oh,” Evan muttered.

“It was my mom.” He put a hand up to stop Evan from guessing. “She’s not taking me to Disney World.”

“I was going to say Epcot, actually. That’s more her speed, isn’t it?”

Connor answered that with a sigh. “She wants to go to dinner.”

“Oh. Your parents are-”

Connor shook his head. “Just my mom.”

“Is Zoe-”

“Nope.”

“Aw,” Evan grinned.

“It’s not funny!”

“That was an aw, not a laugh.” 

Connor tugged at his hair. “I don’t have time for this. I have a paper to write and a chapter to finish and –“

“It’s your birthday.”

“That only matters when you’re in elementary school. They don’t give out homework passes in college.”

“I know, but-”

Connor closed his eyes when his phone buzzed. “You want to go?”

“To dinner with you and your mom?”

“Instead.” He rolled his eyes when Evan simply blinked. “Of me. You want to take my place?”

“You want me to-”

“Consider it my birthday present!”

Evan blinked at him a moment before reaching for his backpack. “I already got you something.”

It wasn’t wrapped, unless you counted the plastic bag it came in.

Connor opened it slowly before looking inside. 

It was a book about the philosophical dilemmas raised on their soap. It featured an essay by Dr. Wheaton. 

Connor flipped to that immediately.

“It was either that or a baseball cap with Eeyore on it,” Evan beamed.

“Did the hat have rhinestones?”

Evan shook his head sadly.

“You made the right choice then.”

He smiled when he saw how pleased Evan was to hear that.

Dinner with his mother wasn’t as awkward as he’d expected.

She let him choose the place, so they didn’t end up at Flora for a change.

He chose a bistro across town that Seth was obsessed with because Seth knew food. Seth was obsessed with food. If he said it was good, then a normal person would think it was amazing.

He trusted Seth’s judgment so much that he didn’t look it up beforehand.

That was a mistake. 

He choked out a laugh when he saw the building. 

His mother picked up on that right away. She tilted her head like she was trying to read his mind. 

“I, uh,” Connor laughed. “I’ve been here before actually.”

“Oh,” Cynthia smiled. She looked relieved that that was it. “Was it any good?”

“I didn’t really, uh... We left without eating.”

“We?”

“Evan and I...” He sighed when he saw the way that made her smile. “We went here on a double date with these two guys and...”

He felt the need to clarify that when he saw his mother’s expression. “Evan was with this guy named George and I...”

He laughed when he realized what he was about to say. “I was with this guy named Conor.”

His mother nodded for him to go on.

“It was a disaster. The date, not the bistro.”

“You left without eating?”

Connor nodded slightly. “Evan and I went to the bathroom and our dates were, uh... They were gone when we came back.”

Cynthia stopped in her tracks. “Do you want to go somewhere else then?”

Connor shook his head. “It’s fine.”

“If this place brings back-”

“It doesn’t bring back bad memories,” Connor insisted. “It’s fine. We were barely even here.”

His mother didn’t look convinced.

Connor pointed down the street. “There used to be a Vietnamese restaurant down there. Evan and I went there afterwards and ate, like, four meals worth of food for ten bucks each. So, it was a good night, really.”

His mother smiled at that. “I bet.”

“I’d like to try this place though. Seth swears the food’s amazing.”

“Seth? He’s the one who likes to cook, isn’t he?”

Connor nodded. “He’s planning to take over his family’s restaurant after he graduates.”

“He must know what he’s talking about then.”

Connor leapt up the stairs to grab the door. “When it comes to this, he does.”

That seemed to be enough for his mom.

She followed him in without another word.

Seth was right.

The food was amazing. Much better than Flora’s.

Even his mother agreed with him about that.

Of course, there was a chance that was the alcohol talking. 

The bistro definitely had a better drink menu than Flora did.

They both took advantage of that.

He didn’t think he’d ever seen his mother drink that much. She giddily informed him that Zoe had promised she could sleep over if she didn’t feel like driving home.

That and the fact that they could take a Lyft back to school was enough to make her lower her inhibitions. 

And ask questions.

Lots of questions.

Not the usual ones.

She asked about Conor and Gabe. She wanted the real story about Zoe and Jared. She was convinced Zoe wasn’t telling her everything.

Which was probably true.

He told her everything he knew. Almost everything. He was with it enough to filter out some things. He just said enough to make him feel like he’d gotten back at Zoe for all the things she’d told their father.

He wasn’t surprised when his mother started asking about Evan.

Her questions started out innocently enough.

She asked what Evan was up to that night. She sighed and said he could’ve brought him along if he’d wanted. 

And then it was like a switch had been flipped.

Connor could barely keep up. He felt dizzy as he tried to answer everything she asked.

He didn’t mean to tell her about the supply closet.

It just happened.

It made her happy. So happy that she started giggling uncontrollably.

That was the moment he decided they’d both had enough.

They ordered four pieces of cake to try sober up a bit before they left.

It didn’t work. If anything, it made them giggle more.

Both of them.

Connor was also giggly by the time they got in the car.

He was glad their driver wasn’t someone he knew.

Zoe didn’t answer the phone when their mother called her. She didn’t answer when Connor tried too.

He checked the time. 

It was after eleven. 

She was probably asleep.

He told his mother she could stay with him instead.

That pleased her so much she hugged him. 

Sort of hugged him. It was possible she was holding onto him so she didn’t fall over.

They made it back to the suite somehow.

It was dark and quiet and impossibly large.

Cynthia immediately walked into something that made her cry out in pain.

Connor grabbed her arm and started steering her towards his room. He pressed a hand against his forehead. He hadn’t been that drunk since the supply closet. He was suddenly very glad that Evan wasn’t with them.

His mother looked at him like she was reading his mind.

Or like he’d said something to that effect. It was hard to tell which. It was hard to tell if his thoughts were staying inside his head.

She looked him in the eye and whispered, “No closets.”

His heart skipped a beat. He shushed her before she could go on.

It didn’t work. 

“No closets.”

She said it loudly, expectantly, like she was waiting for him to agree.

He nodded and muttered, “No closets.”

“No closets.”

“No closets.”

She beamed and patted his head. “No closets.”

He ushered his mother into his room and closed the door.

There was a light on in Evan’s room. He noticed that even though his head was spinning.

His mother was still there when he got back from class.

He did a double take when he saw that. 

She was awake and dressed and talking to Seth about where to get the best knives.

She smiled when she saw him and excused herself.

She put a hand on his arm. “I should get going. Walk me out?”

Connor nodded and turned on his heel to go. 

“I like your roommates.”

“You like Seth?”

Cynthia nodded. “I like all your roommates.”

“You saw Chris too?”

Cynthia nodded again. “For a minute. He was late for class.”

“He usually is.”

“I saw Evan too.”

Connor froze in his tracks.

His mother smiled at his expression. “I didn’t say anything.”

She said it conspiratorially, like there was something to say, like she knew something he wouldn’t want her to share.

He stared at his hands.

“I told him we missed him last night.”

His head popped up at that. “Mom-”

“That’s all I said. I didn’t tell him you...”

Her voice trailed off in a way that made his stomach twist.

He tried to remember exactly what he’d told her.

She squeezed his arm. “I hope you two sort things out.”

He shook his head dazedly, like doing that would make the buzzing stop.

“I’m glad you...” She cleared her throat and swallowed. “I’m glad we talked about this.”

Connor studied her for a second. “Is that why you...”

“Why I what?”

“Did you get me drunk so I’d talk to you?”

“I didn’t get you drunk!” Cynthia laughed. “Do you really think I would-”

“Did you get yourself drunk so I’d get drunk and tell you stuff?”

That sounded ridiculous when he heard it out loud.

It also sounded plausible. Very plausible.

It wouldn’t shock him if his mother really had done that. 

Possibly without meaning to or even realizing what she was doing.

Her smile wavered while she fished around for her keys. “It was nice, that’s all. Talking to you. Really talking to you for a change.”

Her voice cracked at the end. Something about that made his stomach drop.

She waved her keys triumphantly. “Will it embarrass you if I hug you goodbye?”

Connor glanced around automatically. There weren’t many people in the lobby. 

Not that that mattered. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had been packed.

He answered her question by opening his arms. 

The living room was dark when Connor woke up.

Someone had turned the tv off. Chris or Seth, most likely. 

Almost definitely since Evan was asleep on the other end of the couch.

Connor was pretty sure Evan would’ve gone back to his room if he’d been awake enough to turn off the tv.

He was also pretty sure Evan hadn’t been the one to put a blanket on them. 

Make that two blankets. One for each of them.

Seth and Chris were more thoughtful than he’d realized.

He yawned and eyed his room. Part of him wanted to get up. The other part was comfortable and didn’t feel like moving.

That was the part that won.

He settled back down and yawned and rubbed his eyes.

His eyes landed on Evan for the briefest of seconds.

He looked away like he’d been shocked.

Evan was sound asleep. He looked peaceful. So peaceful that it was cute. So cute that Connor hated to look away.

He had to though. No good could come from staring. 

No good could come from letting himself go down that road.

He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side.

They woke up at the same time.

Sat up was more like it. Connor couldn’t speak for Evan. There was a chance Evan had been awake for a while and was just choosing that moment to move too.

The thought of that made Connor’s heart skip a beat because it meant Evan could’ve been watching him sleep.

He didn’t just push that thought away, he buried it.

He tried to bury it.

His brain had other plans.

It reminded him how frantic Evan had sounded the night before, how upset he’d looked about the idea that Connor could be going on a date that weekend.

He told himself it hadn’t been a jealousy thing. Not in that sense at least. 

Evan had just felt left out, like there was something Connor hadn’t told him. 

Connor yawned and stretched and rubbed his face to keep that train of thought from showing.

It worked.

Mainly because Evan was too busy blinking at the wall to notice.

Connor stretched backwards and pointed at the door. “You want to get breakfast?”

It took Evan a second to understand that. 

Which meant he really was just waking up.

Connor tried not to be disappointed about that.

Evan turned to blink at the door. “My neck hurts.”

“Mine too.”

“We’re getting old.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. He regretted the movement right away.

Evan snorted when he saw that. “Old.”

“We slept with our heads at weird angles. What do you expect?”

Evan rubbed his back. “My back hurts too.”

“Like I said, weird angles.”

“I don’t feel like moving,” Evan decided. He reached for his phone.

“Who are you texting?”

“Seth and Chris. I’m asking them to bring us cereal.”

“You mean the cereal that’s on the counter over there?”

Evan nodded. “I told them we have to humor you in your old age.”

Connor scoffed at that. “I’m 22. That’s not-”

“The rest of us are 21.”

“You’re going to be 22 in-”

“Six months.”

“Five months.”

Evan wiggled his fingers. “Five and a half months. Which means you’re old.”

“I’m young enough to get off the couch and pour my own-”

His mouth snapped shut when Seth’s door swung open.

Seth practically bounced across the room to the kitchen area. “You two look cozy.”

Connor tilted his head back to watch as Seth poured them each a bowl of cereal.

Evan looked annoyingly smug when he put his head back down.

And not just because the movement made Connor wince in pain. 

“You’re welcome,” Evan murmured.

Connor wrinkled his nose. “Thank you.”


	30. Senior Year - October

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” Evan laughed.

Connor snorted and tilted his head to the side. “Like what?”

“Like...” Evan flinched when a black cat jumped out of the box and attacked Madeline. He put a hand to his chest and flopped back onto his pillow. “Why do they do that? Why are there so many jump scares in this thing?”

“It’s a Halloween special. What did you expect?”

“I know, but...” Evan narrowed his eyes. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Looking at me like...” Evan closed his eyes when the violins started screeching. “You do that every time something scary is about to happen.”

“You locked yourself in Zoe’s bathroom the last time we tried to watch this.”

“I didn’t lock myself in the bathroom!” Evan made a face when Connor snorted at that. “I had to go the bathroom and I locked the door for a minute because Zoe has roommates and I didn’t want anyone to-”

“You stayed in there for, like, twenty minutes.”

Evan chewed his lip. “Ten, tops. I unlocked the door when I was...” He startled so violently he almost fell off the bed. “The hell was that?”

“I didn’t look at you that time. If I’d looked at you, you would’ve been prepared.”

“Why are they relying so heavily on jump scares? They’re cheap and easy and uncreative.”

Connor shook his head at him. “Whereas this show has always been the epitome of class and sophistication.”

“It’s normally not this bad.”

“They’re trying something new.”

“And failing.”

“I didn’t say their attempt was successful.” Connor leaned forward so his face was nearly touching Evan’s. “This is your cue to cover your eyes.”

“What?” Evan blinked.

Connor sighed and slapped a hand over Evan’s eyes before the killer stabbed Madeline.

Evan batted him away. He let his breath out in a huff when he saw what was happening. “I can handle blood!”

“You almost had a heart attack when the killer chopped off the general’s head.”

“Because it was sudden! The killer’s been chasing Madeline for, like, five minutes now.” Evan checked his phone. “It’s getting late.”

“You want to finish this tomorrow?”

“It’s almost over, isn’t it? We’re almost to the part where I-”

“Got up and barricaded yourself in Zoe’s bathroom?”

“I didn’t...” Evan sulked for a moment. “We can finish it.”

“You sure? Is it going to give you nightmares if we keep going?”

“It’s not... I’m not going right to sleep.”

“Homework?” Connor guessed.

Evan nodded. “I have a lab report to finish.”

He squeezed his eyes shut when the killer burst through a mirror and slit Madeline’s throat. “Was that really necessary?”

“You know there are a whole bunch of people online who were disappointed Madeline didn’t have a more gruesome death.”

“Like Yvette?”

Connor nodded. “Nothing will ever top that.”

“I read a theory that they’re gearing up to kill Jeffrey again. People think it’s going to happen at the end of the next season.”

“Again?” Connor wrinkled his nose. “What number are we at now?”

Evan wiggled his fingers while he counted. “Four. I think. It’ll be his fourth death if they kill him again.”

“Four? That can’t be right.”

Evan held up his hand to tick them off. “The first death was because of the car accident.”

Connor snorted. “Remember how upset we were?”

“You mean how upset you were?” Evan smirked. “I thought you were going to cry.”

Connor made a face. “I wasn’t going to cry.”

“You were totally fighting back tears.”

“I-”

“It was one of the things that made me like you,” Evan blurted out. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Really like you.”

He flinched when he heard himself. “I mean...”

He forced himself to breathe. “We hadn’t been friends that long and things were still kind of new and scary and... Everything was new and scary. And the soap was crazy and addicting and I thought you were going to cry when Jeffrey died.”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “And you liked that?”

“I don’t know,” Evan muttered. “I thought it was kind of... Not cute.”

He made a face. “Kind of cute in a... you know. Not in a cute way, but in a... you know.... Funny! That’s the word I’m looking for. It was funny in a funny way. Not cute. Funny. It was... So, next Jeffrey was killed by the alien queen. That was his second death.”

Connor nodded slightly. “Yeah and that was it. Two deaths. He’s died twice.”

“He drowned last year,” Evan reminded him. “Madeline had to revive him.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“He was dead. Technically.”

“That death didn’t even last an entire episode.”

Evan tapped his chin. “I bet the twins kill him this time. He’ll probably figure out they’re spies and...”

Evan pretended to slit his throat.

“Or maybe it’ll be their triplet,” Connor said. “There has to be a reason they introduced him in the Halloween special.”

Evan studied the screen while he processed that. 

He jumped when the killer popped out of the swamp and started chasing Jeffrey. “Seriously?”

Connor didn’t even bother hiding his amusement. “Do you want me to start staring at you again?”

Evan groaned and threw himself back onto his pillow. “Nudge me when Jeffrey wakes up from his dream.”

Connor smacked Zoe’s fork with his own. “Hey!”

“I want to try the French toast.”

“It’s my French toast. Go get your own.”

Zoe sighed dramatically. “It’s all the way over there.”

Connor glanced over his shoulder without thinking. Zoe was in the middle of switching their plates when he turned back. He clucked his tongue at her and grabbed his food. “It’s dining hall French toast. It tastes like soggy sugar bread.”

“Some days it’s better than others though.”

“This isn’t one of its good days.”

“Then why won’t you trade with me? You can finish my eggs.”

“Because I don’t want eggs. I want soggy sugar bread.”

Zoe made a face like she couldn’t argue with that logic. “Fine. Be that way. I would trade with you if you asked.”

Connor scoffed at that. “You would not.”

“Would so! I would definitely trade with you if-” She narrowed her eyes when Connor let out a barking laugh. “You don’t believe me?”

“The evidence is in my favor.”

“What evidence? When have you ever asked me to swap breakfasts with you?”

“Example one, when we were-”

Zoe put up a hand to stop him. “Do all your stories take place before we were ten?”

“I have at least one middle school one.”

Zoe made a buzzer sound. “Nope. Uh-uh. That’s not how this works.”

“There’s a statute of limitations on food sharing?”

Zoe stared at him a moment before stealing a bite of his French toast. She wrinkled her nose. “You’re right. This isn’t one of its good days.”

Connor pushed his plate towards her. “Here. Since you contaminated it, you may as well...”

“I don’t want it now.”

“Tough.”

“I’m not eating that.”

“Neither am I.”

Zoe sighed and took another bite. “Soggy sugar bread.”

Connor nodded solemnly. “Really soggy sugar bread.”

Jared leaned against the cabinet and sighed. “I’m bored.”

Connor stared at him in disbelief. “How can you be bored right now?”

They both put their conversation on hold when a pair of kids approached them. They put on their game faces and wailed and moaned and acted like they were going to grab the children.

Jared sighed when the kids ran away screaming. “This isn’t fun anymore.”

Connor could see his point. The novelty of the haunted house was starting to wear off. “You want to switch with someone?”

“You mean be the vampire for a while?” 

Connor nodded. “Or the mummy. I bet Kai would switch with you.”

“I don’t want to be a mummy.”

“Do you want to help Cole with the sound effects?”

Jared wrinkled his nose. “No... I want...”

He puffed his cheeks out and stared up at the ceiling. “I can hear Zoe playing.”

Connor strained his ears to listen. “Yeah.”

Jared’s mouth contorted into a grin that made Connor’s stomach sink. “We should scare her.”

“What?” Connor blinked. 

Jared bounced up and down excitedly. “We should totally scare Zoe.”

Connor stared at him while he tried to figure out what that was about. “Why?”

“Do you really need a reason to scare the bejesus out of your sister?”

“Not really,” Connor admitted. “I’m wondering why you want to...”

His face lit up excitedly. “Did you two break up or something?”

“You wish,” Jared huffed. “No. I just...”

“Just what?”

Jared jumped in front of him and wailed at the group of teenagers strolling by.

They did not look impressed.

Jared made a face at their backs. “We were watching this movie the other night and there was this scene that kind of freaked me out and she...”

“Laughed at you?” Connor guessed.

“I have a thing about eyes, okay? I don’t like when things go in them.”

Connor threw his hands up in surrender. “I’m not laughing at you.”

Saying he wasn’t laughing made him do just that.

Jared jabbed a finger in his direction. “You shouldn’t laugh, Mr. Bird Guy.”

Connor’s laughter cut short. He took a step back. “Evan-”

“Zoe told me all about that. You’re afraid of teeny, tiny little birdies.”

Connor closed his eyes and breathed.

Evan hadn’t told Jared he was scared of birds.

Zoe had.

He turned around to look Jared in the eye. “What do you have in mind?”

Jared didn’t have anything in mind.

He’d gotten as far as thinking that he wanted to prank his girlfriend and that was it.

He bounced ideas off Connor whenever they had a lull. 

His ideas were terrible. Really terrible. It was like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to kill Zoe or make her roll her eyes.

Connor vetoed all his plans.

Jared folded his arms across his chest and glared after Connor told him they weren’t going to put a snake in Zoe’s car. “Why don’t you come up with something then?”

Connor chewed his lip and shrugged. He half-heartedly wailed at a group of middle schoolers as they wandered by.

Jared saluted them and grinned. “I think I’ll use more fake blood next time. This costume isn’t scaring anyone.”

Connor resisted the urge to say that Jared’s face alone was enough to terrify all their customers.

Jared rubbed his hands together. “There has to be something. What kind of tricks did you play on her when you were kids?”

“Tricks?” Connor blinked.

“You know, tricks. Pranks. Henry and I were always messing with each other.”

Connor lowered his eyes.

Jared didn’t notice. He was too busy cackling to himself. “This one time, I put plastic over the toilet seat and...”

Jared started laughing so hard he had to bend over. “It was... It was awful. It was hilarious, but...”

He shook his head. “It backfired on so many levels though. Mom made me clean it up.”

“Zoe would kill us if we did that to her,” Connor said.

“Yeah,” Jared sighed. He shook his head sadly. “Good times.”

They both turned to wave at a pair of small children who were being pulled around in a wagon.

Connor pretended to cower in fear when one of them shouted “boo.”

Jared smirked when he saw that.

“What?” Connor demanded.

“Nothing,” Jared grinned. “Okay, so no pranks?”

Connor shook his head.

“What’s Zoe scared of?”

Connor blinked at that too. 

“I know she doesn’t like snakes, but she’s not really like... It’s not like you and birds.”

Connor nodded because he knew that much. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what your sister’s afraid of?”

Connor swallowed dryly. “I don’t know.”

Jared closed his eyes. “It should be a fast scare. Something that makes her jump. Something she’ll never see coming.”

They both jumped when they heard someone scream across the room.

It was a loud scream. An actual scream. Not like the fake wails and moans they’d been hearing all day.

Connor leaned forward to see what was happening. 

Layla was clutching her chest with one hand and hitting Ryan with the other. 

Ryan didn’t seem to notice or mind. He was too busy laughing and waving a rubber knife at her. His shirt was covered in fake blood.

Jared spun around to point at Connor. “I have an idea.” 

The idea was simple.

They were going to wait until the end of the day, until the haunted house was closed, and then they were going to lure Zoe into the basement.

Jared would kick things off with an ominous phone call. A silently ominous phone call. The kind that would make her think she’d better go downstairs and check on them.

And then all hell would break loose.

They’d mess with the lights and set things up so she’d think she’d walked in on a crime scene of some kind.

A crime scene containing the corpses of her boyfriend and her brother.

It would be fast and flashy and it would take her a minute to realize it was fake.

It was simple. It was scary. It was perfect. 

The plan went off without a hitch, or so Connor thought at first.

It was easy to pretend to hang himself. Cole showed him how.

Connor wasn’t sure if he wanted to know when or how Cole had picked up that particular piece of knowledge.

It was easy to pretend to be dead, especially when the spotlight hit him. 

Cole helped with that too. He showed Jared how to angle it to achieve the maximum effect.

Connor didn’t need to see himself to know it worked. It was a chilling sight. 

His eyes were closed when Zoe came down, so he didn’t realize she wasn’t alone until he heard the voices.

His parents were there. Evan’s parents were there. Evan was there.

He opened his eyes when he heard his father shout for a knife. 

He opened them just in time to see Jared come staggering out of his hiding spot.

“Did someone ask for a knife?” Jared clutched the knife to himself and stumbled across the room. “Blood... blood...”

Jared’s body went rigid as he fell back onto a pile of boxes. “And death.”

He stuck his tongue out and moaned when he landed.

The mood in the room shifted. 

It went from horrified to confused to annoyed.

Connor pulled the rope off his neck and hopped down. “Surprise...”

Zoe threw her arms up in disgust. “This was a joke?”

“I’d say it was more of a prank,” Jared grinned. His smile wavered when he realized how big his audience was. “It was only meant for you, but, uh-”

“For me?” Zoe gasped. She spun around to point at Connor. “Not funny. This was not funny.”

Connor couldn’t meet her stare. 

“He’s always had this morbid sense of humor,” Larry murmured to Heidi and Geoff. “I don’t know where he gets it from. He would always say things like, ‘how many pills would someone need to take to die.’”

Connor’s eyes flashed in his father’s direction. They flashed again when Zoe ran up the stairs. He jumped when she slammed the door.

Jared swallowed visibly when he heard that. He leaned over to whisper in Connor’s ear. “This may have been a mistake.”

Connor gave him a look that screamed ‘you think?’

Evan ran after her.

Jared gave it a minute before heading up too.

And then Connor was alone.

Sort of alone. Alone with four adults who were trying to make sense of what had just happened.

No one asked him anything.

So that was coming.

He knew that was coming.

He followed them upstairs.

Zoe and Evan were sitting by the stacks next to the basement door. Evan glanced up when he heard the door open. He met Connor’s stare for a second before looking away.

Zoe refused to look at him at all.

Jared was nowhere to be seen.

Connor sighed when his mother asked if he wanted to go to Flora. 

He said yes because it was the least he could do.

Dinner was swift and silent. 

No one ordered an appetizer or dessert.

Connor muttered that it had been a prank, a stupid prank, when the subject came up and that was it. 

None of them felt like talking.

Zoe didn’t look at him once.

He apologized for scaring them when they got to the parking lot.

It was easier to do that when he was holding his keys and his car was in sight.

His parents relaxed when he was done. His father even told some stupid story about a prank he’d played on one of his frat brothers.

Connor forced himself to laugh. He automatically looked at Zoe, so they could silently commiserate about that.

He managed to catch her eye for a second before she looked away.

And then her posture changed. She whipped around to look him in the eye. “That was a mean thing you did.”

Connor cringed because mean wasn’t the word he would’ve used.

It had been stupid, thoughtless, inappropriate. 

He didn’t think it had been mean.

“You scared us,” Zoe continued. “All of us. Evan too.”

“It was a bit alarming,” Cynthia murmured. “It looked so realistic.”

Connor lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Jared, on the other hand...” Larry grinned. “He could use an acting lesson or two.”

“Don’t encourage him,” Zoe groaned. She turned around to grin at her father.

Cynthia swept over to kiss both of her children. “We should get going. Your father has an early meeting.”

Connor hugged his parents goodbye and waited while Zoe did the same.

And then there were two.

He turned around to apologize to her again.

She left before he could.

Zoe cancelled their breakfast date that week. 

Connor wasn’t surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.

He left her alone because he thought that was what she wanted. 

Part of him wondered if that was a mistake.

Another part wondered why she was taking the prank so personally.

A third part wondered if she was taking it seriously, not personally. He’d understand if that were the case.

He decided not to ask.

She finally reached out to him the day before her birthday.

It was her 21st and she was calling in the favor he owed her. It was his turn to babysit her and her friends while they got wasted.

He said yes right away.

He regretted it right away.

Zoe and her friends were loud and energetic and they liked to sing.

He tried to look on the bright side. At least none of them wandered off and got stuck in a supply closet.

And at least he had help. Evan decided to stay sober too.

Which was a good thing because he needed an extra set of hands when it was time to go. It was hard to get all of them back to their dorms safely. Really hard. Almost impossible.

He was exhausted when he made it back to his. He threw himself onto the couch and groaned at the ceiling. “Why is my room so far away?”

Evan looked at him strangely. “It’s literally right there.”

“That’s far.”

“It’s, like, ten feet away.”

“Far,” Connor maintained.

Evan tilted his head as he sat down next to him. “I see your point.”

Connor hummed at that. “Why am I having a sudden urge to watch _High School Musical_?”

Evan snorted. “Jared didn’t turn you off that for life?”

Connor cracked up when Evan started imitating Jared’s attempt at ‘Breaking Free.’ He shoved Evan’s shoulder. “No...”

That just made Evan sing louder. His mouth snapped shut when Chris poked his head out. He turned five shades of red and muttered a quick apology.

Chris grinned and leaned against the doorframe. “No. You’re fine. Go on.”

Evan shook his head rapidly. 

Chris rapped on Seth’s door until he came out too. 

Seth rubbed his eyes like he’d just woken up. “What?”

Chris cleared his throat and gestured at Evan. “Showtime.”

“Uh-uh,” Evan mumbled.

Connor glanced at him quickly before clearing his throat. “_We’re soarin’..._”

“_Flying_,” Chris sang. He elbowed Seth.

Seth rolled his eyes. “_There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach. _”

Chris’s mouth dropped open as Seth continued to sing. “Dude! That actually sounds right.”

Seth shrugged and finished the chorus. “I have sisters.”

He looked between the three of them. “Why are we singing _High School Musical_?”

Chris pointed at the couch. “Ask them.”

Evan started to pull himself up. “I’m going to bed.”

“It was a weird night,” Connor explained.

Seth nodded like that explained everything. “Well, now I want to watch it.”

He wagged a finger at Chris when he started to protest. “You woke me up. Now you have to face the consequences.”

Chris sighed and threw himself onto the couch. “You guys up for it?”

Connor nodded automatically.

Evan sighed when everyone turned to stare at him. “As long as it’s not a singalong.”

“It’s totally going to be a singalong,” Seth laughed.

“At least Jared’s not here,” Connor whispered.

He smiled when Evan visibly relaxed.

The haunted house went out with a whimper, not a bang.

They really shouldn’t have kept it open an extra day. 

It was surprising, really. It had been packed every weekend that month. They’d expected a crowd to show up on Halloween.

Connor supposed kids were more interested in trick-or-treating than going to a library fundraiser.

It was so quiet that it was actually a relief when it was time to pack up. 

It was a relief to be around people who weren’t Jared.

He batted Jared away when he tried to shove a rubber raven at him.

“I almost got you,” Jared cackled.

“You did not,” Connor huffed.

“I almost made you piss your pants.”

Connor shook his head. “Put that thing in the box so we can go.”

“Why? Are you going to pass out from fear?”

“I’m not scared of a fake bird!”

Jared dangled it in front of him. “You sure about that?”

Connor grabbed the bird and threw it in the box and taped it up for good measure.

Jared pretended to pout. “Okay. Fine. Be that way.”

He turned on his heal and stomped away.

Connor followed him up the stairs. 

They were the last ones out. He turned off the light.

Jared frowned when he glanced at the lobby. “Zoe’s not there.”

“Maybe she left.”

“We drove here together. We’re going out to eat now.”

“Maybe she-” Connor gasped when Jared grabbed his arm. He grabbed it so tightly it was like he was trying to leave a bruise. Connor couldn’t help crying out in pain.

Jared yanked on his arm until Connor saw what he was seeing.

Evan and Zoe were making out on the floor by the craft area.

Connor’s whole body went numb.

It couldn’t be real. 

He blinked repeatedly and rubbed his eyes until they felt raw and tilted his head like doing that would make a difference. He waited for his vision to clear, for him to see that he was actually seeing Ryan and Layla.

Or Cole and Cara. 

Or Chris and Hilary.

Or someone, anyone, else. 

Jared moved first. 

It only took Connor a second to catch up with him.

They reached the craft area at the same time.

Zoe noticed them first. She pulled herself off Evan and staggered to her feet. “I, um... I...”

Jared swayed as he studied her. “What’s going on?”

Connor couldn’t believe him. He couldn’t believe his question. He couldn’t believe any of this. “What’s going on? What do you think is going on?”

Jared jabbed a finger at both of them. “Wait. No. You two are... What? Why? I don’t...”

Zoe’s face started twitching uncontrollably. She twirled a strand of hair around her finger so tightly the skin went white. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

“To find out?” Jared breathed. “There’s something to find out?”

Connor felt like he was floating. Soaring, flying, there wasn’t a star in heaven he couldn’t reach. “You’re cheating on him with...”

He couldn’t look at either of them. 

He couldn’t process any of this.

It was like he was drowning.

Evan smiled weakly when he managed to catch his eye. “Surprise...”

Zoe closed her eyes and gave him a tight smile. “What he said.”

Connor looked at Jared. Jared looked at Connor.

Neither of them followed that at all.

“That’s what you said,” Evan reminded Connor. “When you pulled yourself down. You-”

“This was a prank?” Jared gasped. He laughed so loudly that people turned to stare. “Oh my God.”

“It was a joke,” Zoe confirmed.

“Okay,” Jared grinned. “From now on, leave the pranking to the professionals. That was not funny.”

“And yours was?” Zoe snapped. She narrowed her eyes at Connor.

Connor turned on his heel and stalked away.

That was enough for him. He didn’t need to hear any more.

Zoe caught up with him in the parking lot.

He didn’t realize how fast he’d been walking until he saw how out of breath she was.

She dropped her guitar case like it had been weighing her down. “It was a joke.”

“It wasn’t a funny joke.”

Zoe raised her eyebrows. “At least I didn’t hang myself.”

She snorted at his expression. “You would’ve preferred to see me hanging, wouldn’t you?”

She shook her head when he didn’t deny it. “Wow. Okay. I don’t know what that says about... Is our relationship that...” She closed her eyes. “Or is it that your crush on Evan is so strong you-”

“My what on Evan?”

“Crush,” Zoe drawled. “Or whatever you’re calling it.”

“Mom told you about that?”

Zoe burst out laughing. “You told Mom?”

Connor cursed under his breath.

Zoe put a hand on her hip. “You told Mom, but you didn’t tell me?”

“She got me drunk!”

Zoe started laughing again.

“And you knew! I knew you knew!”

“Yeah, but...” Zoe puffed her cheeks out and sighed. 

“That was a low blow.”

“The prank?”

Connor nodded slowly.

“I know,” Zoe admitted. “It’s just... I don’t know. I knew it would get to you and... You really got to me with that hanging thing. It really freaked me out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” She glanced at him quickly. “You’re okay, aren’t you?”

“Okay?”

“With all that? I mean... You’re not still...”

“I’m not looking for ways to off myself.”

Her mouth dropped open for a second. “Did you actually... Was that a thing you actually...”

“Sometimes,” Connor shrugged. “It was more than a fleeting thought.”

“But you’re not...”

Connor shook his head. “I haven’t felt that way for a while.”

“Because of Evan?”

Connor looked at her strangely. “For a lot of reasons. Evan’s one of them.”

Zoe nodded slightly. “You really like him.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“You like-like him,” Zoe teased.

Connor wrinkled his nose. “I’m sorry, are we in middle school?”

“I didn’t get to do this in middle school. You didn’t like-like anyone then.” She studied him for a second. “Or did you?”

Connor shook his head.

“What about high school?”

Connor shook his head again.

“Aww,” Zoe cooed.

“How is this a surprise for you?”

“We don’t usually talk about this stuff.” She frowned when Connor suddenly tilted his head towards the building.

Evan and Jared were on their way out. 

Zoe grabbed her guitar and went to meet them.

She smiled at him before she left. Connor decided to count that as progress.

He decided not to join them. He got in his car and turned on the engine and waited.

He couldn’t leave yet.

Evan had driven over with him.

He sensed Evan’s hesitation before he opened the door.

He decided to clear the air right away. “Hey.”

Evan inhaled shakily. He looked surprised that Connor was speaking to him. “Hey.”

“You want to go to that trick-or-treating thing in the quad?”

Evan let out a startled laugh. “Um... Yeah. Sure.”

Connor glanced over his shoulder as he put the car in reverse. “Cool.”

Evan laughed again. It was a nervous laugh, an uncertain laugh. “Cool.”

Connor drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “So, who’s the better kisser?”

Evan choked on his spit. “What?”

“You’ve kissed both of us now. Is Zoe a better kisser than-”

“We didn’t actually kiss!” Evan hissed. “It was-”

“What? An illusion?”

“Kind of, I guess,” Evan muttered. “It was just... She blew on my neck mostly.”

“She blew on your neck?” Connor chuckled.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“That was the great prank you two came up with?”

“I didn’t say it was great!” Evan turned to smirk at him. “It worked though, didn’t it? It really freaked you guys out.”

Connor shook his shoulders and leaned forward to see. “It surprised us.”

“It freaked Jared out.” Evan glanced at him expectantly. 

The car fell silent.

Connor kept his eyes on the road until he couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“It freaked me out,” he finally admitted.

Evan hummed at that. He looked annoyingly smug.

“A little bit,” Connor added quickly. “Because it was weird. It felt unnatural somehow.”

The car fell silent again.

Connor wondered if he’d said something wrong. He glanced at Evan to confirm that wasn’t the case.

Evan was too busy picking at his nails to notice. “I hope they’re giving out Kit Kats in the quad.”

Connor felt like sighing with relief. He flicked his turn signal on. “If they know what’s good for them, they will.”


	31. Senior Year - November

Connor tilted his head back to squint at the sun.

It was a nice day. An unseasonably warm day. The last warm day they’d be having for a while, according to Evan.

Evan had said that so many times it had stopped feeling like a hint and started feeling like an order. A command. A threat, even.

Connor didn’t know what would’ve happened if he hadn’t “volunteered” to go to the park with Evan, but his gut told him it wouldn’t have been pretty.

At the very least, he would’ve gotten the silent treatment for a few days.

And that was bad. That was just about the worst punishment he could imagine.

He yawned and stretched and jumped when he thought he felt something crawling on his neck. He closed his eyes and started feeling around for a bug. 

He opened his eyes when he heard Evan laughing.

“The bird’s all the way up there.” Evan pointed at a tree to their left. “It doesn’t look like it’s preparing to attack.”

Connor tilted his head back to see the bird he hadn’t noticed. “How can you be sure?”

“What?”

“Do you know the signs of a bird attack?”

Evan pressed his lips together like he was trying not to laugh.

“Is that something they cover in your classes? Because if so, I want to audit that lecture.”

Evan sighed when the bird flew away. “It’s gone.”

“Maybe it just wants us to think it’s gone. Maybe it’s plotting its next move.”

“Birds aren’t that smart.”

“Have you seen _The Birds_?”

Evan hesitated a moment before nodding. “The movie? Yeah, sort of. I’ve seen parts of it.”

Connor waved his hand triumphantly.

Evan gestured at the book in Connor’s lap. “New subject.”

Connor nodded for him to go on. 

“Is that for school or for fun?”

“It’s for my thesis.”

Evan’s face scrunched up for a moment. “My question still stands then.”

That was fair. Connor’s thesis was for school, but he was actually having fun with it. Kind of. It hadn’t started stressing him out yet.

He held the book out so Evan could see. “How’s your project going?”

Evan made a face. “Did I tell you about Kyle?”

Connor’s heart skipped a beat. He tried to keep his face blank. He tried not to let himself look like he was dying to know exactly who or what Kyle was.

“He’s the junior Dr. Whitney assigned to help me.”

Connor exhaled slowly. “You’re his Lisbeth.”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. He chewed his lip when he saw Connor’s expression. “He has a girlfriend.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

“They’ve been going out since ninth grade. He’s kind of obsessed with her.”

“So, there’s no chance you’re going to...”

Evan looked horrified by the suggestion. “He’s also annoying. Really annoying. Like...”

He fished around for his phone. “He texts me, like, twenty times a day.”

“You’re sure there’s nothing-”

“No,” Evan yelped. “Absolutely not.”

“You know, you said the same thing about Lisbeth last year.”

Evan looked so disgusted that Connor couldn’t help laughing. “I don’t know what I’m going to do next semester.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, right now we’re just in the introductory phase. I don’t actually have to start letting him help me until January.”

“Give him a lot of busywork?” Connor suggested. “Have him run errands for you?”

“Like what? Ask him to pick up my dry cleaning?”

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged. “You’re the scientist. Come up with something.”

Evan sighed. “I guess. I don’t know.”

Connor shifted around on the ground. There was a spider crawling up the tree they were leaning against. He wondered if it had been the thing on his neck.

He decided not to think about that. He gestured at the trail in front of them. “It’s quiet out here.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Really quiet.”

“This isn’t one of the more popular trails. There isn’t really anything to see around here.”

“Besides trees.”

“Well, yeah, but they’re everywhere, so that’s not exactly a big selling point.” Evan’s hand flopped from side to side. “Most of these trees aren’t even changing color.”

A cloud covered the sun. It was enough to make Connor shiver. “Now it looks like the start of a horror movie.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Enough with _The Birds_.”

“I’m not talking about birds. I feel like some psycho killer’s about to come bursting through the clearing.”

“Or the Blair Witch,” Evan added. He clearly regretted his words as soon as he said them. 

“Have there been any mysterious deaths around here recently?”

“No,” Evan said sharply.

“None? Has anyone died here at all?”

“A guy had a heart attack by the lake a few months ago, but he didn’t die.”

Connor’s shoulders slumped. “Oh.”

He didn’t know why he found that so disappointing. Maybe his father was right. Maybe he really did have a morbid sense of humor.

“I almost died.”

Connor’s spine went rigid. He didn’t need to look at Evan to know he was regretting those words too.

He looked anyway. He tilted his head so he could really look. He turned so their knees were almost touching. “What?”

Evan grabbed at the back of his head. “I, um... I mean, I could have almost died.”

“What?” Connor blinked. “When?”

“Four years ago,” Evan said quickly. “When I, uh... when I fell. Burt brought it up the other day. He said something about how lucky I was, how I could’ve broken a lot more than my arm if I’d, uh, if I’d landed differently.”

Evan forced himself to smile. “It’s kind of funny, actually. I was on this trail, but even farther down than this, so I had to walk, like, two miles to get to the center and I probably looked like I’d been attacked by a psycho killer by the time I reached Burt’s office.”

“Or the Blair Witch.”

“Or the Blair Witch,” Evan nodded. “My eyes were watering like crazy when I got there, so, yeah, that’s more like it actually.”

“You walked all that way with a broken arm?”

“Well, yeah,” Evan shrugged. “I mean, it was either that or stay there and wait for the earth to swallow me up.”

“You couldn’t have called for help or-”

“I tried! My walkie-talkie was dead and you see this trail. There was no one around. I hadn’t seen another person in over six hours.”

Evan closed his eyes. “It just... It sucked, okay? It was scary and painful and I was lying there, thinking about how the earth could swallow me up and no one would even notice.”

“People would’ve noticed.”

“Who?” Evan demanded. “Who would’ve noticed I was gone? No one. Not a single person would’ve noticed I-”

“Your mom-”

“It would’ve taken her at least two days to realize something was up. Three if she was working a double.” His mouth formed a thin line. “She would’ve been sad eventually. I know that now. I... I didn’t then. Not really. It just... It was a weird summer.”

“Sounds like it.”

The words floated out of Connor of their own accord. He didn’t remember saying them or thinking them. Which wasn’t a surprise because he didn’t know what to say. 

Evan stared at his hands. “It was a weird summer for you too, wasn’t it?”

Connor’s head popped up. “What?”

“You said... A couple years ago, you said... you emailed me, actually... You said you reached a point that summer where you felt like you just couldn’t anymore.”

“Yeah,” Connor whispered. “I did.”

“I guess I kind of...” Evan stared at his hands. “I don’t know if I would’ve gotten up if the pain hadn’t been so unbearable.”

“You would’ve stayed there and waited to die?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“It would’ve taken awhile. You would’ve ended up dying of starvation.” Connor tapped his chin. “Or dehydration. Or possibly an infection from your arm. Either way, it would’ve been a slow, painful death.”

“Yeah,” Evan muttered. “It wouldn’t have been that bad if I’d snapped my neck like I should have.”

He flinched when he saw how Connor was looking at him. “That was one of the things that crossed my mind when I was lying on the ground.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Connor glanced at him quickly. “Snap your neck.”

Evan blinked at his hands for a moment. He cleared his throat and sighed. “Me too.”

The sun had just started setting when it was time for them to go.

It made the hike back to the parking lot go a lot faster.

Connor threw his bag in the back and climbed in. He didn’t start the engine. It didn’t feel right to move when the sky was that pretty.

He glanced up when Evan got in.

Neither of them said a word.

That wasn’t a surprise.

It wasn’t that they’d stopped talking to each other. Slowed down was more like it. 

It could’ve been worse. At least it hadn’t been an awkward, uncomfortable silence.

Connor glanced over his shoulder at his bag. He confirmed that he could see his book poking out of the side before he turned around. 

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “People would notice now.”

“What?” Evan breathed.

“If you... People would notice you were missing before you died of dehydration.”

Evan smiled slightly. “I know.”

Connor’s stomach did a flip. He stared at his keys like he couldn’t remember which one went in the ignition.

He hated that smile. He loved and hated it. He hated that he loved it.

But mostly he loved it.

He was so totally screwed.

He first heard about the goat from Kai.

It came out of nowhere. One second, they were discussing the Kant quote Dr. Wheaton had based his lecture on. The next, they were talking about another school’s mascot.

Connor decided to roll with it because Kai seemed to think that was a natural progression.

“Ryan thinks we should steal the goat.”

Connor let out a startled laugh. “Why?”

“To distract them.”

“You don’t think you can win your race unless your opponents are-” Connor’s mouth snapped shut when Kai turned to glare at him.

“We’ve been training around the clock. We’ve got this.” Kai puffed his cheeks out. “It won’t be like last time.”

“What happened last time?”

“We lost.”

Connor considered that for a moment. “Is the goat like a pet to them?”

Kai turned to blink at him. “What?”

“I mean, how attached are they to the goat? If the goat just stays in a pen somewhere and they never really see it, they won’t care if it goes missing.”

Kai smiled into his hand. “I have no idea.”

“Do they have a team page? You should check if there are pictures of the goat. If there aren’t, then it would be pointless to steal it.”

Kai pulled out his phone. “I’m friends with a couple of them. We ran together in high school.”

Connor leaned over to see. 

The first picture was of a guy feeding the goat a carrot. 

Kai grinned and pocketed his phone. “That settles it. I’m going to tell Ryan it’s on.”

He wiggled his eyebrows at Connor. “Are you in?”

Connor was in.

Not at first, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to participate in The Great Goat Heist of 2022.

It sounded fun and he needed more fun in his life.

More importantly, he needed a distraction. 

He needed to be distracted from the reason he needed a distraction.

He didn’t like thinking about that at all. 

Whatever semblance of sanity the plan had disappeared the second Jared got involved.

That wasn’t a surprise.

It wasn’t a surprise that Jared was really into the scheme. It didn’t take long for him to become obsessed.

It was a surprise that Connor was right there with him.

Connor never would’ve predicted that he’d be that determined to steal a goat.

It wasn’t about the goat.

Connor understood that even while he was looking at blueprints with Jared. He understood that while he talked to Ryan about ways to distract the guards. He understood that while he listened to Chris and Seth yammer on about binoculars and flashlights and whistles. 

He knew it wasn’t about the goat.

It was easier to think about the goat than it was to think about the Evan thing.

It was healthier to think about the goat than it was to get high so he couldn't think about the Evan thing.

It was safer.

Risking jail time and expulsion was safer.

He wondered what his parents would say if he got expelled for stealing a goat. 

They purposely left Evan out of the plan.

It was Connor’s idea, but Jared jumped on board so quickly no one questioned it. Jared told them Evan would ruin the heist by hyperventilating and passing out in a pile of manure.

They all knew Evan well enough to believe that.

They left Cole out too, for obvious reasons.

Kai wasn’t officially part of it either. He couldn’t be. He wouldn’t be able to run if they got caught.

And there was a good chance they’d get caught.

The plan was simple, but none of them really knew what they were doing. 

Ryan and Layla were supposed to be the distraction, but Connor had a feeling they’d be too busy making out to notice their surroundings. 

Seth and Chris were supposed to be the lookout, but they didn’t exactly have the best attention spans. Connor had a feeling they’d be more interested in the gadgets they’d picked up for the heist than the heist itself.

That left Jared and Connor.

They were the ones who’d be doing the actual stealing.

Connor wasn’t sure how that was going to go.

He wasn’t sure if he really cared.

It took less than five minutes for the plan to fall apart.

Possibly less than three.

It wasn’t like Connor was watching the clock.

Everything went well until they were out of the stable. 

And then Jared dropped the goat’s lead.

And then all hell broke loose. 

Connor flicked a piece of mud off his pants and leaned back against the wall. He sighed heavily. 

Jared sighed back at him. “I still can’t believe she picked Evan.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d picked you. He wasn’t going to let you go. Not until he gets his money.”

Jared checked his phone. He made a noise at it and slumped down so far he almost slid off the bench. “Henry better answer me or I swear to God I’ll...”

He pounded his fist into his hand.

“Challenge him to rock, paper, scissors?” Connor grinned.

Jared stuck out his tongue. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

“That I’m trapped in a room with a guy who smells like goat shit?”

“That’s you!”

Connor sniffed his shirt. “It’s both of us.”

Jared wrinkled his nose. “That Zoe chose Evan over her own brother.”

“I told her to choose him.”

Jared pulled himself back up. “Pardon?”

“Back there, before we got in the car, I texted her and-”

“You told her to bail Evan out?”

“I told her to take Evan if she could only sign one of us out.”

Jared turned to blink at him. “You knew that was a thing?”

“My parents made me read the school handbook before I came here. They wanted to make sure I knew what kind of consequences I’d be facing if I misbehaved.”

“So, you knew-”

“I knew campus security is only supposed to allow someone to sign one person out at a time. I didn’t know if they enforced that rule or not, but...”

“And you chose Evan?”

Connor shrugged. 

“Over yourself? Over me?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Of course, over you.”

He cleared his throat before Jared could go on. “Zoe would’ve picked him anyway.”

“Over me?”

Connor pointed at the door. “You’re not getting out of here until that guy gets his twenty.”

Jared sighed and stared at his phone. “You think I can Venmo it to him?

“Then Henry will owe you twenty.”

“I’m seriously thinking about taking that hit.” He put his phone down. “You don’t think Zoe would’ve picked you?”

“I got myself into this. I can get myself out. That’s the way she sees it.”

“And Evan didn’t really have anything to do with this,” Jared sighed. “Did you see Zoe’s face? She knew that right away.”

“We were kind of obvious with our scheming.”

Jared scoffed at that. “We were not! We were sneaky and stealthy and-”

“She literally leaned over our shoulders to look at the blueprints.”

“She didn’t know what they were for!” Jared folded his arms across his chest for a moment before turning to smirk at Connor. “You really love him, don’t you?”

Connor decided to play dumb. It was easy since the question had caught him off-guard. “What?”

“You love him,” Jared sang. “You sacrificed yourself so he could be free.”

“I... She would’ve picked him anyway.”

Jared batted his eyes and pretended to swoon. “You love him. You want to marry him and have his babies. You-”

He yelped when Connor smacked the back of his head. “Ow!”

Connor blew on his fingertips. “Oops. My hand slipped.”

Jared straightened himself up and beamed at the door. “I hear footsteps.”

The door swung open. 

Officer Hartley held a clipboard out to the person behind him. “Sign there.”

He caught Connor’s eye and nodded to his left. “You’re free to go.”

He held up a hand when Jared started to protest. “Where’s your brother?”

Connor grinned at Jared and practically bounced across the room.

He didn’t know who was signing him out. 

He didn’t care who it was.

He didn’t even care when he saw it was Cole. 

He didn’t mean to fall asleep on Evan’s bed. He had every intention of getting up and returning to his room when the show was over.

It was just that Evan was right. The documentary was dry and factual. It didn’t take long for Connor’s mind to wander.

It didn’t take long for the exhaustion to take over.

He fell asleep first. 

He was pretty sure he did anyway.

He woke up first too. Barely. He was only awake for a moment before Evan opened his eyes.

Evan choked out an apology when he realized that not only had he used Connor’s shoulder as a pillow, but he’d drooled all over it.

Connor snorted and stretched his arms out in front of him. “At least it’s not goat shit.”

“Good to know my drool’s better than goat shit.”

“And mud. I’d say it’s better than mud too.”

“Good to know.” Evan bit his lip. “So.”

“So?”

“The goat.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Connor shrugged. “It seemed like a-”

“Good idea at the time,” Evan finished. “Okay, so many things are going through my head right now. Like, okay, I still don’t get why you two decided to steal a goat, but really? That was the best plan you could come up with? It took you all week to come up with that?”

Connor narrowed his eyes at the wall. “You think you could’ve done it better?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have done it in the first place, so...” He watched his hands as they flexed in front of him. “That’s why you didn’t ask me?”

He lifted his head to look up at Connor and his eyes filled with terror. 

It took Connor a second to realize why.

Evan’s head was still on his shoulder. Connor hadn’t realized that. Not consciously anyway. 

Probably because it felt nice. It was warm and comfortable and not at all worthy of the look of repulsion that was crossing Evan’s face.

Evan was horrified about where his head was. He scooted away like he was afraid of catching cooties.

Connor closed his eyes in an attempt to ignore that.

That was yet another reason for him to ignore the Evan thing.

Evan was horrified by the idea of touching Connor.

Or embarrassed. 

Connor realized that when he looked again.

There was definitely more embarrassment than horror going on over there.

He allowed himself exactly one second to be relieved about that.

He forced himself to breathe. “We weren’t the only ones involved.”

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

Connor pulled himself up to study him. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

“Is it bothering me that my friends all went and did something together behind my back because they think I...”

Connor closed his eyes for a second. “We knew you’d freak out and try to stop us.”

Evan shook his head. “Okay, see I still don’t get why you wanted to steal the goat. I get why Ryan would do something like that. And Layla will do anything he does. And Chris and Seth probably thought it was some kind of quest. And Jared... Jared probably thought it meant he’s part of the cool crowd. But you? Since when do you actually give a crap about sports?”

“It wasn’t about the goat.”

“Really?” Evan drawled. “You weren’t helping steal a goat to boost our team’s spirits and lead them to victory?”

“I needed a distraction.” Connor cleared his throat and glanced at him quickly. “And scheming to steal a goat sounded like a better idea than numbing myself with weed.”

“What did you need to be distracted from?”

There was no way Connor was answering that question. His brain was too sleepy and blank to come up with a convincing lie.

Evan sighed and tried to catch Connor’s eye. “Did something happen?”

He looked like he was going to jump out of his skin when Connor still didn’t respond. “What happened?”

Connor sighed and swung his legs around so they were dangling off the bed. “There’s just a lot going on right now, you know.”

He gave Evan a look to tell him that was all he was getting.

And that it was the truth.

It actually was the truth. Sort of. In a way.

There was a lot going on. Everything felt like it was up in the air. Connor had no idea what he’d be doing in six months.

That was another thing he didn’t like to think about. That was even scarier than the Evan thing.

Evan took a breath. “I know. I really need to finish my applications. The deadline for that one grant Dr. Whitney told me about is next week.”

“Are you still leaning towards going here next year?”

Evan nodded. “If the grant works out, definitely.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

Evan shrugged. “No idea.”

“Me too, except without the grant part. I have no fucking clue what my next step is.”

“I thought you were applying to the library science program here.”

“I was. I am.” Connor exhaled deeply. “I don’t know if I want to stay here though. I feel like I don’t know anything right now.”

“So, that’s why you decided to steal a goat? To distract yourself from your lack of direction?”

Connor decided to ignore that. He pretended he hadn’t heard the questions.

He didn’t do a very good job of it.

One look at Evan confirmed he hadn’t been successful at all.

Wyatt was a better writer than Connor had expected.

Not that he’d spent a lot of time thinking about Wyatt or his skills. He barely knew the guy. He could count the number of things he knew about him on one hand.

After seeing Wyatt’s show, Connor could almost see why Jared was so insecure when it came to Zoe’s ex though.

Not that he’d ever say that to Jared. 

Jared was his friend and it would be mean to confirm he was right to be worried about Wyatt. Right in the sense it was weird that Zoe’s ex had written a show centered on a character he’d created with her in mind. A character who was lovely and sweet and turned all the boys’ heads. And some of the girls’, for that matter.

Not right in the sense that Zoe was even thinking about going back to Wyatt.

Connor could see that, even if Jared couldn’t.

He wasn’t about to tell Jared that either though.

It was fun to watch him squirm.

He was really squirming at the show’s cast party.

Connor could see that from across the room. 

He appreciated it because it gave him something to focus on besides Matt.

He wondered what kind of show his sort of ex would write if he decided to write about him.

He wasn’t about to ask.

He let Matt do all the talking. 

But then what else was new?

He pretended to listen while Matt and his friend (boyfriend?) talked about a show they were in. He tried to act like he was interested.

He didn’t have to see himself to know he was failing spectacularly. 

They didn’t notice.

Or, rather, Matt didn’t. His friend (boyfriend?) kept giving Connor the side eye.

Connor wasn’t sure what was up with that. He wasn’t sure if it was obvious he’d rather be anywhere but there. He wasn’t sure if he was intruding. He wasn’t sure if the friend (boyfriend?) was checking him out. And if he was checking him out, he wasn’t sure if it was out of jealousy or attraction. 

He wondered what, if anything, Matt had told his friend (boyfriend?) about him.

The answer came when he was least expecting it.

Matt chugged the rest of his drink and slammed it down on the counter like he’d made a decision of some kind. “I’m glad we ran into you.”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“We both are. I’ve told Alec all about you.”

Something about that made Connor’s stomach drop.

He looked away when Matt smiled and started whispering in his friend (boyfriend?)’s ear. 

The friend (boyfriend?) smiled and nodded.

Something about his smile made Connor feel like he should’ve worn more layers.

“We’re going to head out,” Matt said. 

“Okay,” Connor nodded. He glanced around the room.

Evan was nowhere to be seen, but Jared was still sulking by the piano. He could go bug him for a bit.

“Back to the hotel,” Matt went on. He leaned forward to whisper in Connor’s ear. “You want to come with?”

Connor jumped like he’d been shocked.

Matt looked like the cat that ate the canary. So did his friend (boyfriend?).

They clearly expected Connor to say yes.

And just like that, it hit Connor.

It wasn’t a new revelation, but it was powerful all the same.

Matt didn’t know him at all. He’d never tried to know him. He’d never cared about knowing him. Really knowing him. Knowing the things that mattered.

It was so obvious it made him want to laugh.

So he did.

He answered Matt’s question by throwing his head back and laughing. 

He walked away without saying a word.

He didn’t look back.

He sat with Jared longer than he’d planned to. 

They didn’t say much.

Mostly, they just played on their phones.

It was kind of comforting though. It was definitely better than trying to talk to Zoe’s theater friends. Some of them were downright terrifying.

Connor decided to be nice and nudge Jared when he spotted Wyatt cuddling with a girl across the room. A girl who was not Zoe. 

Jared’s eyes automatically darted over to the couch Zoe was sitting on. She didn’t look at all fazed by what Wyatt was doing. 

And she’d noticed.

She caught Jared’s eye and smiled in a way that clearly meant she’d noticed.

Jared visibly relaxed. “Zoe thought he was seeing someone new.”

An alert popped up on Connor’s phone before he could respond. He scanned the room quickly. 

And then he scanned it again.

He took his time. He stood up so he could see the people in the kitchen. 

He tapped his phone against his chin. “Where’s Evan?”

Jared looked up slowly. “What?”

“Our soap’s doing a Christmas special. I was going to tell him, but...” Connor’s heart sped up as he did a third scan of the room. “Where is he?”

“Outside?” Jared shrugged.

Connor called Evan while he wandered over to the window to check.

Nothing. 

No answer.

And Evan wasn’t in the front yard. 

He tried his phone again while he went to check the back.

Still nothing.

He sent him a text.

He sent him three texts.

Nothing. Not even the dreaded dots.

Jared looked a bit concerned when he returned. “Did you find him?”

Connor shook his head and tried calling again.

He sighed and hung up without leaving a message.

“Maybe he’s in the bathroom,” Jared suggested.

The bathroom.

That had to be it.

Connor allowed himself to relax.

Evan wasn’t in the bathroom.

That became clear when the line kept moving.

Connor tried calling him again.

It became a pattern. Call, text, call, text.

Nothing.

He wondered if Evan’s phone was dead.

He wondered if Evan was dead.

Jared was the one to ask that.

He said it like it was a joke, but then he started trying to reach him too.

Zoe wandered over after her friends left.

She took one look at them and asked what was wrong.

Evan didn’t answer her either.

Connor decided that meant it was time to go.

Zoe and Jared waited in the parking lot while Connor ran up to the suite.

He went straight to Evan’s room. 

He opened the door and flicked on the light and practically melted with relief.

That only lasted a second.

Then the fury took over.

He didn’t say a word. 

He let his eyes speak for him before he turned the light off and left Evan alone.

He texted Zoe to let her know everything was okay.

His nails still smelled like cinnamon after he’d showered. 

He sniffed them before sticking them under Evan’s nose. “They still smell!”

Evan batted his hand away. “Stop making me smell you!”

“I smell like cinnamon! It’s not like I smell like-”

“Goat shit,” Evan grinned. 

Connor flipped him off and slumped down on the couch. “This show’s stupid.”

Evan chuckled and handed him the remote. “You’re cranky today.”

“I’m cranky every day.”

“You’re especially cranky today.” Evan chewed his lip and glanced at him quickly. “Is it because I...”

“Left the party without telling anyone? Ignored our calls and texts? Scared us all half to death?”

“I said I’m sorry!”

Connor sighed because he knew he had. He also knew he meant it. “Was it a test of some kind?”

He regretted the question as soon as it left his mouth.

That didn’t stop him from clarifying it.

“Were you testing me – us – were you testing us to see if we’d notice you were gone?”

Evan gripped the armrest like he was about to tear it off. “No.”

“Because we did. We noticed.”

Evan stared at his feet. “It wasn’t a test. I just... I wanted to leave.”

“You weren’t having fun?”

“I didn’t know anyone and you were with Matt and...” His mouth snapped shut like he’d said something he hadn’t meant to say.

Connor closed his eyes for a second. “I shouldn’t have gone off with him.”

“Why did you?” Evan demanded. “Are you sure you don’t still have feelings for-”

Connor burst out laughing before he could finish that question.

He laughed so hard he dropped the remote.

Evan grabbed it and put his happy rainbow cartoon back on.

Connor decided not to protest.

He sniffed his nails without realizing what he was doing.

He put his hand under Evan’s nose.

It took Evan a solid ten seconds to push him away.


	32. Senior Year - December

Connor cleared his throat to hide the fact that he was trying not to laugh. He covered his mouth with his hand and focused on Evan’s laptop.

On the laptop screen. Not on the words Evan had written. Focusing on those again would make him crumble. 

A small chuckle escaped when he accidentally read half a sentence.

It didn’t matter. Evan was too loopy from the cold medicine to notice. He kept staring at his hands like he didn’t know where they’d come from. “Is this what it’s like to be high?”

That did it.

Connor couldn’t hold the laughter in anymore. He closed Evan’s laptop and handed it back. “When do you have to submit your paper?”

Evan lifted his head up to blink at him. “What?”

Connor patted the laptop. “Your paper. The one you asked me to read.”

“Oh,” Evan breathed. “Right. Uh... What time is it?”

“Two.”

Evan stared at the ceiling like he was trying to do the math.

“What time is it due?” Connor asked.

“Midnight.”

Connor nodded at Evan’s bed. “Take a nap and try again.”

“Is it that bad?”

“No,” Connor said quickly. And then he cringed because it was. “It could use some work.”

“I spent all morning working on it!”

Connor sighed because he knew he had. “It’s not a bad idea, but your supporting statements are-”

“Weak?”

“Nonexistent. You spent, like, three paragraphs talking about how all the characters’ problems would’ve been solved if they’d gone to sleep.”

Evan tilted his head. “I did?”

“You could make that work, maybe. Mansfield loves that kind of thing. But the rest of it... You spent half a page arguing that Emma only liked pairing people up because she was bored.”

“So?”

“Your paper’s on _Romeo and Juliet_.”

Evan’s face scrunched up like he wasn’t sure how that had happened.

“Take a nap and try again.”

“I don’t want to try again! I have to study for-” Evan sneezed so violently he almost lost his balance. “I remembered to cover my mouth that time.”

“I appreciate that.”

“What are we going to do if you get this too?”

“What do you mean?” Connor blinked.

“I mean, you’re the one keeping me organized. What are we going to do when we’re both too phlegmy to think?"

“Ask Zoe for help?”

“She won’t come near me until she’s done with finals.”

Connor nodded because he saw her point. Evan looked even worse than he sounded. 

Evan swayed as he yawned. He landed on his bed in a way that made it impossible to tell if he’d thrown himself there or lost his balance. “I think I’ll lie down for a bit.”

Connor took that as his cue to go.

He set an alarm on his phone to remind himself to wake Evan up in two hours.

It was snowing when Connor finished his English presentation. That was a surprise. He hadn’t been prepared for that at all.

Probably because he hadn’t checked the weather. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d checked the weather.

He didn’t need to check it because Evan always told him the forecast. 

Which meant that Evan was even loopier than Connor had thought. 

Or maybe the storm had come out of nowhere.

That was a definite possibility, especially since it wasn’t much of a storm. It was more like a flurry. A heavy flurry. Heavy enough that Connor didn’t get any grief from his parents when he told them he wasn’t coming home right after his presentation.

He wasn’t the only one. 

No one seemed like they were in a hurry to leave. 

Seth and Chris looked like they weren’t planning to move until spring. 

They didn’t even look up when he came in. They were too busy watching _Doctor Who_.

And in Chris’s case, crying. “It’s not fair! They can’t just separate them like that!”

Seth hung his head sadly. “We really shouldn’t be watching ‘Doomsday’ right now.”

“It was your idea!”

“I didn’t say it was a good one!” Seth scooted away when Chris started blowing his nose. “You said you wanted to wallow. This is not wallowing.”

Chris blew his nose so loudly he sounded like a goose. “This is wallowing. What part of this isn’t wallowing?”

“It’s pathetic. It’s-”

“Wallowing is pathetic. I need to get this all out of my system before I go home.”

“Your dad?” Seth cringed.

“Yeah,” Chris muttered. He did a double take when he noticed Connor. “Hi.”

Seth turned to look. “Hilary dumped him.”

Chris smacked his arm.

“Well, she did,” Seth hissed.

Connor offered Chris what he hoped was a sympathetic smile. “Is Evan still here?”

Chris and Seth exchanged a look.

“I haven’t seen him leave,” Seth said uncertainly.

Chris nodded slowly. “We’ve been kind of preoccupied.”

“He was here.”

“Did you check his room?”

The door was closed. It was dark underneath.

Seth pointed at the counter. “I made cookies and we poured all our alcohol in a pitcher if you want some.”

He put a hand out to stop Chris when he started to get up. “You’re still cut off.”

“What?” Chris whined. “Why?”

“Because you were getting dangerously close to hitting on me before.”

Chris’s mouth opened and closed several times. “I was not! I was making a very valid point by explaining why we would never work as a couple.”

Connor scratched his neck. He felt like he was missing something and, for once, he was curious enough to hear what.

Seth twisted around to look at Connor. “He thinks his only choices are to go off and become a monk or live in a cabin with me.”

“And our cats,” Chris grinned. “You can’t forget about Moe.”

Seth rolled his eyes. “How could I forget about Moe?”

Chris stuck out his tongue. “I’m better now. I’m practically sober. Can’t I-”

“No!”

Chris started tugging at his shirt. “Let me up or I’m going to start stripping.”

“Do you really think that’s helping your case?”

Chris sighed heavily. “You said you don’t want to see me naked, so...”

“Naturally, the best way to convince me to let you get drunk again is to take off all your clothes.”

“Not all my clothes. Just my shirt.”

Seth considered that for a moment. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Seth shrugged. “Take off your shirt. See if I care.”

Chris deflated at that. “My buzz has worn off. I’m feeling all the pain now.”

Seth sighed and moved his arm. “Fine.”

“Really?” Chris beamed. He hopped off the couch before Seth could change his mind. 

Seth got up too. “Save me some.”

He glanced at Connor. “You want a cup?”

Connor leaned over to check the pitcher. The smell hit him right away. He shook his head.

“More for us then,” Chris grinned. 

Seth shook his head at him. “Don’t make me cut you off again.”

Chris spun around to glare at him. “What did I say that was so bad before?”

He continued on quickly before Seth could respond. “Is it so wrong to think about what it would be like to date your best friend?”

Seth closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead. “It isn’t what you said. It’s the way you-”

“Connor would’ve gone along with it,” Chris blurted out. “With Evan, I mean. Not with me because we’re friends, but we’re not that kind of friends. He would’ve humored Evan because that’s what you do when your best friend’s having an emotional breakdown.”

Seth hung his head sadly. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“By this you mean me?” Chris smirked. “I think the real question is what did I do to deserve a best friend who sounded positively pained about the idea of living in a cabin with me?”

Seth pointed at Connor. “Would you-”

An alarm went off on Connor’s phone.

He shut it off immediately. “It’s time for Evan’s medicine.”

“Of course, he would,” Chris beamed. “Whatever you were about to ask. Of course, he would because he’s a good best friend.”

Connor snatched a cookie and went to check on Evan. 

He froze when he heard the others laughing.

He couldn’t hear everything they were whispering.

The only part he caught was the part where Chris said “and then there’s the other thing.”

Connor didn’t want to know what the other thing was.

He really didn’t want to know when Chris finished his sentence with a loud smooching sound.

Connor chuckled as he adjusted the seat. “How can you drive like this?”

Evan frowned when he saw what he was doing. “Your legs are longer than mine and... Stop messing with my car. It took me forever to get the mirrors just right.”

Connor checked the mirrors again. “Do you want to get into an accident?”

Evan folded his arms across his chest. “Why won’t you let me drive?”

“Because then we’d definitely get into an accident.”

“I’m awake,” Evan insisted. “I’m not going to fall asleep again.”

“Again,” Connor smirked. “You’ve dozed off three times this morning.”

“That Mucinex is strong stuff.”

“The alcohol you drank last night isn’t helping.”

“I’m not hungover.” Evan’s brow furrowed. “Am I?”

“You’re not puking, so no? Maybe. I don’t know.” Connor held up his hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“I don’t have a concussion!”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“Three.”

Connor put his hand back down. “I’m still not letting you drive.”

Evan sighed and fastened his seatbelt. “Fine.”

“Really?”

Evan shrugged. “I’m taking a nap.”

He pulled his sweatshirt off and turned it into a makeshift pillow. 

Connor tried to hide his disappointment. He fiddled with the radio for a minute before settling on a station. He turned the volume down low.

Evan yawned and sat back up. “Did I tell you Mia texted me?”

“Today?”

“Last night.”

“What did she say?”

“Same thing you did,” Evan shrugged. “That she ran into you and... She said you and Lauren had a good talk.”

“We did,” Connor confirmed.

“I know. I know you said you thought you did, but I just thought you’d want to know that Lauren thought so too.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “She also told me we should get a coffee next semester.”

Connor was glad he hadn’t started driving yet. He was pretty sure he would’ve slammed on the brakes. “She did?”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. 

“What did you say?”

“I said okay.”

“You said okay?”

“Well, what was I supposed to say? Never, not in a million years? Mia’s nice. She’s...” Evan shrugged. “I doubt we will though.”

“Why not?”

“Because... I don’t know. I think she was just being nice.”

“She is nice,” Connor conceded.

“The nicest.” Evan made a face. “Not the nicest. There are people who are nicer than Mia.”

“Do you think coffee’s code for...”

“I have no idea,” Evan laughed. “It could just be code for coffee. We’re friends. Sort of. Maybe she just wants to catch up. We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Have you ever done that?”

Evan laughed again. “Sort of? The last time, we ended up in bed, but you know. There were circumstances. She was in a weird mood because of finals and I’d just gotten into a fight with you and you know. Circumstances.”

“You ever notice that you...” Connor’s mouth snapped shut before he could finish the question.

He wasn’t even sure what the question was. Not exactly.

It had just occurred to him that Evan had a pattern. 

Possibly had a pattern.

Connor wasn’t sure if he thought Gabe was right about the Lisbeth thing. He wasn’t sure if Evan had hooked up with her because he was upset about seeing Connor with Gabe.

It kind of felt like a pattern though.

Evan got upset with him and reacted to the situation by sleeping with someone.

He was suddenly very glad he’d managed to stop himself before it was too late.

Evan was silent for a moment. “I what?”

“Nothing,” Connor said quickly.

Evan didn’t buy that for a second.

He wasn’t going to press though. Connor knew that without looking at him.

Evan sighed and pulled his sweatshirt back on. “You want to play license plate bingo?”

Connor gestured around the parking lot. “There aren’t any other cars.”

“When we get on the highway.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. 

Evan stretched his arms out in front of him. “Okay.”

Their soap dropped its Christmas special two days into Evan’s Colorado trip.

Which sucked because it made it hard for them to find a time to watch it together. 

For Connor, it meant staying up late to wait for Evan’s call and disappointing his mother every time she asked if he wanted to watch it with her.

It was worth it though.

The special was a sappy, soapy take on _A Christmas Carol_. 

Except the twins didn’t learn their lesson.

And Jeffrey died again.

They sat there in stunned silence when the credits came on.

Evan breathed into the phone. “Well, that was a downer.”

“I wonder how long he’s going to stay dead.”

“Not long, I’m guessing. The new season will be out next month.”

“People are freaking out online,” Connor laughed. “I’m looking at this one board and it’s exploding. People are cursing the writers for doing that on Christmas.”

“It’s not Christmas yet.”

“It’s basically Christmas. It was a Christmas special. You don’t murder your most popular character at the end of a Christmas special.”

“Do you really think Jeffrey’s the most popular character?” Evan asked. “I always thought people liked Madeline better.”

“Jeffrey’s in all the memes though.”

“Chrissy’s in way more memes than Jeffrey.”

“That’s because she’s a toddler,” Connor said. “A really expressive toddler who makes funny faces.”

“The whole family’s popular,” Evan decided. 

“Because they’re the only likeable characters.”

“Yvette’s likeable.”

“You like Yvette?”

“I didn’t say I like her. I said she’s likeable. There’s a difference.”

“She’s annoying.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. 

Connor’s mouth twisted to the side while he kept scrolling. “Some people think the guy who plays Jeffrey wants off the show.”

“Maybe that’s why they keep killing him. It’s going to have to stick eventually.”

“They better write Madeline and the kids off when that happens.”

“You ‘ship those two so hard,” Evan teased.

“I don’t. I just...” Connor puffed out his cheeks. “They’ve been through a lot.”

“They have.”

“And the chemistry’s off the charts.”

“It is.”

“And... I don’t know. I just want things to work out for them.”

“Me too,” Evan sighed. “I doubt he’s going to stay dead.”

“Yeah.”

“And Madeline will probably get to give another big speech when he returns.”

“They really need to give her an Emmy.”

Evan snorted. “Do you really think that’s a possibility? This show has dancing aliens on it now. It’s never going to win any awards.”

“Except for the choreography.”

“Maybe,” Evan breathed. “I should go. Liam’s getting ready for bed.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m staying in his room. Lisa’s parents are in the guestroom tonight.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so...”

“So.” Connor didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to end the call. He didn’t want to end the call.

He pushed that thought away. “Merry almost Christmas.”

“Merry almost Christmas,” Evan laughed. 

The call ended.

Which meant Evan had hung up first.

Connor threw his phone down.

He grabbed his laptop and put Jeffrey’s death scene back on. He watched it over and over again to look for clues.

Christmas came and went.

It was a blur of a day. It was a blur of a week, really.

It always was.

Connor always felt like he was being dragged from one activity to the next.

It wasn’t as bad as it was some years though. 

He was finally at an age where his parents didn’t even try to invite him to all their parties.

Which was fine with him. More than fine.

He actually had time to breathe.

Before he knew it, it was time for his family’s New Year’s Eve party.

That was the one event he knew he couldn’t get out of.

It was okay though.

He spent most of the night upstairs with Zoe and Jared. He only ventured downstairs for food and drink and when Jared started sucking his sister’s neck.

That was his warning sign. If he stayed longer than that, he saw things he couldn’t unsee.

There were a lot of people at the party. More than usual, he thought.

It definitely felt that way at least.

There were enough people there that he could usually get in and out without much trouble. 

Usually being the keyword. 

He couldn’t always avoid being cornered. People had questions for him. The standard questions. The ones that made him wish he was wearing a shirt with his major, his relationship status, and the sentence _No fucking clue what the future holds_ printed on it.

It was okay though.

Most of the people were harmless.

The Harrises were not.

They were relentless with their questions.

And with their bragging.

At least their sons weren’t there, though there was a part of Connor that thought it was worse without them.

If Brad and Anthony had been there, then he wouldn’t have had to listen to their parents go on and on about all of their many, many achievements.

He tried not to let his face show how desperate he was to get out of there.

He tried to plot his escape. 

Fake a heart attack?

Fake a seizure?

Fake a phone call?

That would’ve worked, except he’d left his phone in Zoe’s room.

He muttered a quiet “fuck” when he realized that.

Mrs. Harris frowned at him like she’d heard. 

And then she went right back into her story about all the volunteer work Brad was doing.

Connor resisted the urge to ask if it was really court-ordered community service.

He jumped when he felt someone touch his arm.

And then he practically melted with relief.

“Connor,” Heidi smiled. She pulled him in for a hug. “I was just wondering where you were.”

He returned the hug before introducing her to the Harrises.

Heidi smiled at them quickly. “Geoff and I brought a bottle of wine. Do you mind showing me where it goes?”

“Of course,” Connor breathed. He gave the Harrises an apologetic smile before leading her across the room. “The bar’s on the porch. It’s through here.”

Heidi waved her hand dismissively. “I know. We’ve been here for an hour. You looked trapped.”

“I was,” Connor laughed. 

She paused for a moment to study him. “Are you having a good break?”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged. “I guess.”

“One more semester to go.”

“Yeah.”

“Evan’s coming home tomorrow.”

Connor nodded because he knew that. He was well-aware of that.

“I’m picking him up at two if you want to...” She shook her head at the window. “That’s Maggie. She’s going up to the wrong house. I better...”

Connor ran for the stairs as soon as she was gone. 

Being downstairs was dangerous.

Being around Jared was dangerous.

Connor came to that realization for the umpteenth time when Jared stepped on his hand. He flicked Jared’s ankle and cried out in pain.

“Sorry,” Jared muttered hurriedly. He paused in the doorway and glanced around so frantically it made Connor’s heart speed up. He snapped his fingers at Connor. “Come on. Let’s go.”

Connor rolled over to look at Zoe.

She shrugged and flipped another page in her magazine. 

Connor sighed when Jared started flapping his arms like he was about to take off. “Go where?”

“Go!” Jared hissed. “Let’s go. Come on.”

Zoe sat up to look at him. “What are you doing with all that stuff?”

“What stuff?” Jared asked innocently.

“My speakers, your phone, that-”

“Come on,” Jared groaned. “He’s waiting.”

That got Connor’s attention. “Who’s waiting?”

Jared leapt across the room to tug on his arm. “You’re needed downstairs.”

Connor shrugged him off. “I’m not-”

Jared let go of him and dove for Zoe. He whispered in Zoe’s ear for a second before she motioned that she got it. 

She pointed at Connor. “Go downstairs.”

Connor opened his mouth to protest.

“Go!” Zoe and Jared shouted in unison.

Connor put his hands up in surrender.

He crept around the corner. He peered down the stairs before he started climbing. 

He didn’t understand what all the fuss was about until he was halfway down.

Evan was there.

He was standing in the middle of the foyer. He looked even more confused than Connor felt. 

He visibly relaxed when their eyes met.

“Hey,” Evan breathed.

“What are you doing here?” Connor laughed. “I didn’t think you were coming home until tomorrow.”

“Change of plans. They’re getting a blizzard in Colorado.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Connor couldn’t stop smiling.

Neither of them could.

He thought it was safe to say it was a mutual thing.

Something screeched above their heads. It sounded like feedback of some kind.

Jared. 

Connor didn’t know how it was Jared, but he knew that sound was definitely Jared’s doing.

He tilted his head back to see.

It was pointless.

There were too many people and Jared knew how to hide.

Or, more likely, Zoe knew where to tell him to hide.

It took Connor a second to realize the screeching sound had been followed by music.

It took him another second to place the song.

Justin Bieber’s ‘Mistletoe.’

He closed his eyes and looked up.

He was going to kill Jared. And Zoe.

And his mom for turning their house into a freaking winter wonderland.

They were standing directly below a sprig of mistletoe.

Evan realized that before he did.

He looked like he was going to die of embarrassment. 

Connor scratched the back of his neck. He thought about yelling up the stairs for Jared to make it stop. 

He didn’t want to make a scene though.

They were already making a scene.

Jared had even rigged up a spotlight of some kind.

Connor closed his eyes and looked at Evan.

They locked eyes for a second and...

He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t move.

Evan moved first.

He kissed Connor’s cheek.

It was quick. It was soft. It was over.

Evan made a run for it.

Connor’s hand automatically flew up to his cheek.

The music stopped.

The light went out.

People stopped staring.

Most of them did at least. A few people looked at Connor and chuckled like they thought that had been adorable.

Connor lowered his eyes when he saw his father was one of them.

He couldn’t stay there. He needed to move.

He didn’t know where to go.

Upstairs was out. He couldn’t face Zoe and Jared yet.

He honestly wasn’t sure what he would do if he did.

He knew they were laughing. At him, with him, for him. It didn’t matter. He knew he couldn’t handle it.

He drifted towards the door without realizing what he was doing.

He went outside. He let the cold embrace him.

He stared at the stars and tried to breathe.

It took him a minute to realize he was still touching his cheek.


	33. Senior Year - January

Zoe flicked Connor’s ear as she went by. “You took the last slice of pizza?”

Connor grinned and nodded and took a bite for emphasis.

Zoe did not look amused. “You let me go all the way to the kitchen, knowing full well that you were already eating the last slice.”

Connor waved his crust at her. “You want some?”

Zoe threw herself onto the couch next to Jared. She made a hmphing sound that just made Connor grin even harder.

Jared wrapped his arms around her and leaned forward to stage whisper into her ear. “Punch him.”

Zoe’s mouth twisted to the side like she was considering it. “Nah.”

Jared kissed her cheek. “Punch him in the nards.”

Connor flipped him off. “Anyone want ice cream?”

Zoe straightened herself up to look at him. “You mean Dad’s ice cream?”

“Is there any other kind?” Connor shrugged.

Jared shook his head at the two of them. “I’m disappointed. If Henry had taken the last slice without permission, I would’ve challenged him to a Death Match.”

Evan glanced up from his phone long enough to gape at him.

Jared grinned triumphantly. “Evan knows what I’m talking about. He’s seen our Death Matches.”

“They’re the reason I’m glad I’m an only child.” Evan wrinkled his nose. “Basically an only child.”

Jared sighed wistfully. “One time, I tricked Henry into putting his own head in the toilet.”

“I remember the time you two-”

“The sprinkler?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Oh-oh-oh!” Jared cried. He slapped his knee excitedly. “That was a good one. I told Henry there was no way he could outrun the sprinkler system at the park and he tried. He...” 

Jared had to bend over because he was laughing too hard.

Evan tried to pick up where he left off. “He only made it to the-”

“Flag pole,” Jared sputtered. “And then he...”

Jared looked at Evan and it was all over.

They both started cracking up to the point where words could not be formed.

Connor scratched his neck and looked away. His eyes accidentally landed on Zoe.

They didn’t have any stories like that.

He couldn’t think of a single story that would make them laugh that hard.

“Zoe put gum in my hair once.”

The words flew out of Connor without warning. 

He looked away when he saw how they made Zoe blink.

Jared stopped laughing long enough to kiss her again. “That’s my girl.”

Zoe smiled tightly. She did not look amused.

Probably because it wasn’t an amusing story.

The aftermath hadn’t been amusing at all.

Connor had had to get a buzzcut. He’d hated it. He’d hated everything about it. The way it looked, the way it felt, the way the other kids teased him. 

He’d taken it out on Zoe. He’d made her cry.

He’d thought she deserved it at the time. 

She hadn’t. He knew that now.

He also knew he’d started the fight by breaking her doll. 

The air in the room felt like it was shifting, like it was tightening around them.

Evan picked up on that.

Jared did not. He leaned back to grin at Zoe. “What flavor gum was it?”

Zoe let out a small laugh. “I don’t remember.”

“It was pink,” Connor said. “That’s all I know.”

“Pink,” Jared beamed. “Please tell me there are pictures.”

Zoe pulled herself off the couch. “I think there are still some cookies left over from the party.”

She poked Jared’s arm. “Come with me?”

Jared didn’t need to be asked twice.

Evan took their spot as soon as they were gone. “Was that the year you shaved your head?”

Connor didn’t even bother hiding his surprise. “Fifth grade, yeah. Right before graduation.”

“I remember that.”

“Everyone kept saying I was going to military school instead of middle school.”

“I didn’t,” Evan said quickly. “I thought it looked cool.”

“You thought it looked cool?” Connor laughed.

“Yeah,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. Kind of.”

Connor tilted his head back when he heard movement on the stairs. “I don’t think they’re coming back.”

“Probably not,” Evan agreed. 

They both stared at the ceiling when music started blasting above their heads.

Connor was suddenly very aware of the fact that Zoe’s room was above the living room.

And that their parents wouldn’t be home for hours.

“You want to go somewhere that isn’t here?”

Evan didn’t need to be asked twice.

He hopped off the couch and grabbed his coat.

It was windy outside.

Cold and windy and it smelled like snow.

Connor turned around to ask Evan about the forecast.

Evan answered him before he could open his mouth. “Maybe. They’re not sure. Last time I checked, there was a 40% chance of flurries.”

Connor stomped on a patch of ice. “More snow? This stuff hasn’t even started melting yet.”

“At least the roads are clear.”

“Are you spending the night again?”

Evan considered that for a moment. “I should probably go home.”

“You can stay if you want.”

“I know, but...” Evan pointed at something across the street. “That looks like a Kleinman Family Death Match.”

Connor turned to see. 

It was hard to tell what he was seeing because it was dark outside. He could faintly make out the shapes of four children hunting each other in their front yard. There was a sudden shout and then they started firing snowballs at each other. 

That made it sound more even than it was. One of the kids was clearly the Cole of the group. His laughter filled the street as he pummeled the others with snow.

“Jared and I used to team up against Henry,” Evan said. “I spent a lot of snow days at their house when I was little. My mom would drop me off before she went to work. The three of us would stay out until we couldn't feel our fingers anymore.”

“Zoe and I stayed inside until we managed to drive our mom crazy. Then she’d send us out one at a time.”

“Not together?”

Connor shook his head. “She tried that once. It didn’t go well.”

Something about that made Evan sad. He pointed at the kids. “So, you’ve never...”

“Not really,” Connor shrugged. “Not when I was a kid. We had that snowball fight at school a couple years ago, remember?”

Evan nodded, but he didn’t look any happier.

Connor didn’t know what to do about that.

He didn’t really want to do anything.

He knew he hadn’t had a typical childhood in some ways. He knew he hadn’t had a typical sibling relationship with Zoe.

He didn’t want to think about either of those things.

He focused on the kids. The Cole of the group was already running out of steam. The other three were trying their hardest to corner him, all the while pelting him with snowballs. 

It was funny and fast and distracting.

So distracting that Connor didn’t realize what Evan was doing until it was too late.

The snow down his back was colder than he could’ve imagined. It froze him to his core and the feeling spread. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think.

He couldn’t stand the way Evan was cracking up.

He acted on instinct. 

He tackled Evan to the ground.

They landed on a snowbank. 

They landed together in a mess of limbs.

Connor didn’t think he’d ever moved as fast as he did when he rolled off of Evan.

Evan stared at him shock. It was enough to make him stop laughing for a second. For exactly one second. And then he started chuckling again while he patted his clothes. “Well, now I definitely have to go home.”

“Serves you right,” Connor muttered. 

“Yeah...” Evan flicked a bit of snow at his nose.

Connor rolled his eyes and flicked it back.

Zoe was alone when he returned. She was sitting at the kitchen counter with their father’s ice cream in front of her. She held up a spoon without looking.

Connor decided it would be in his best interest to take it, even though he was soaking wet and freezing.

She did a double take when he sat down. “Did you fall in a pond or something?”

“Or something.”

“Where’s Evan?”

“Gone. Where’s Jared?”

“Gone.” Zoe took a bite of the ice cream. She pushed it towards Connor. “Go on. We can always tell Dad I was PMSing.” 

Connor choked out a laugh.

Zoe grinned and took another bite. “Yeah, I know about that.”

Connor took a small bite to humor her. Any more than that and he was afraid he’d get sick.

He put the spoon down. 

Zoe glanced at him quickly. “Are you really still holding a grudge about the time I put gum in your hair?”

Connor shook his head. “I don’t know why I said that.”

“Probably because it’s the only thing I ever did to you.” Zoe made a face. “More or less.”

Connor nodded because that was true. More or less. “Are you still-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know the question!”

Zoe spun around to look him in the eye. “I’m not holding any grudges.”

She said it like it was the truth. The absolute truth. No ifs, ands, or buts.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“You could, you know.” He stopped himself from saying she should. 

“I know.” Zoe took another bite. “I’m choosing not to.”

“Why?”

“Because...” Zoe sighed and put her spoon down. “Life’s too short for that kind of negativity and... I don’t know. You aren’t the person you were when you... I know you were going through some stuff and... I don’t know. I just...”

“It wasn’t personal.”

“It felt personal.” Zoe squeezed her eyes shut. “I really don’t feel like talking about this.”

Connor blinked at her tone.

Zoe gestured between them. “I get that that thing tonight has triggered yet another trip down memory lane for you, but I’m over it. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re all fine. There isn’t any reason to discuss this every time you...”

Zoe hopped off her stool and started cleaning up the kitchen.

It took Connor a second to realize why. 

There was a car in the driveway. 

That could only mean one thing.

Their parents had come home early.

Zoe barely managed get rid of the evidence before they came in. 

Connor stomped his feet on the mat and rubbed his hands together to warm them up.

It felt good to be inside. He’d only been outside for a minute, for the time it took him to walk from the parking lot to the diner, but it still felt good. 

He really was not a snow person.

There weren’t many people at Louie’s, so it only took him a second to spot Alana and Tracy. He started to lift his hand to wave, only to stop when he realized they were having a moment.

An adorable moment.

He lowered his eyes until he heard Alana call him over. 

He stomped his feet again and went to join them.

Alana jumped up to hug him. “You came!”

She said it like it was a surprise, like she hadn’t sent him over a dozen vaguely threatening texts about her plan.

Tracy gave him a quick smile and squeezed Alana’s arm. “How many times did you text him?”’

Alana’s mouth opened and closed several times. “Just a few.”

Tracy held her hand out. “Let me see your phone.”

“He’s one of the few classmates I’m still in touch with! I wanted to make sure someone showed up.”

“Evan’s coming too,” Connor told her.

That got their attention.

“Evan’s coming?” Alana cooed.

The girls exchanged a look that made Connor want to flee.

“How’s that going?” Tracy asked in an excessively casual tone.

Connor whipped around to glare at Alana.

Alana’s hands flew up defensively. “She figured it out on her own. I didn’t say a word until she did.”

That didn’t make Connor feel any better.

The girls exchanged a look like they got that.

“We’re not here to discuss our love lives,” Tracy reminded Alana.

Alana leaned across the table. “He isn’t here yet. Quickly, what’s the latest?”

“There’s nothing to tell,” Connor hissed. 

“Nothing?”

“Nothing,” Connor drawled. “We’re friends. That’s it. Just friends.”

“And nothing has happened since last summer?”

“Nothing,” Connor maintained. He said it as firmly as he could.

Because it was the truth. 

Sort of.

On Evan’s end, at least.

He didn’t feel like getting into it.

“Nothing?” Alana asked skeptically. She glanced at Tracy and shook her head. “You’re seriously telling me nothing has happened since-”

“Evan!” Tracy cried. She jumped up to hug him.

Connor’s heart did a flip. He was overwhelmed with a wave of gratitude towards Tracy. 

At least one of them had been paying attention to their surroundings.

He couldn’t look up. He couldn’t look at any of them. His heart was beating too fast.

That had been close. Too close. Way too close.

He kept his eyes on his hands until he was alone with Alana.

Because she wanted to start with him.

Of course, she did.

“So,” Alana started.

“There’s nothing going on with Evan!”

Alana waved her hand dismissively. “We’re done with that. What are your plans for next year?”

“I don’t know,” Connor admitted.

He expected Alana to look disappointed, to tell him how far behind he was, but she didn’t.

She looked determined. She looked excited. She almost looked happy.

She pulled a notebook out of her bag and turned to a blank page. “You’re still planning to become a librarian?”

She glanced up long enough to see that Connor was nodding. “What schools are you applying to?”

Connor rattled off the list. It was easy because it was short.

She tapped her pen on the table. “Which one are you leaning towards?”

“Depends who accepts me.”

“Let’s be optimistic here. If they all accept you, which one would be your top choice?” She leaned back to study him when he didn’t respond. “Okay, that’s what we need to work out then. We need to figure out which school is the best for-”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” Alana blinked.

“This.” Connor gestured around the diner. “Why the sudden need to help your former classmates figure out their lives?”

“There’s nothing sudden about this,” Alana snapped.

“Are you getting credit for this somehow?”

Alana closed her eyes. “No. I just want to help.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Alana let out a laugh that wasn’t really a laugh. “Because I’m nice like that.”

She tapped her pen on the notebook. “How do you want to do this? Would a pro/con list work for you?”

“It’s not about the schools.”

Alana put her pen down. “It’s about Evan?”

Connor shrugged. “Sort of.”

“You don’t know if you want to stay where you are because of Evan.”

She said it like it was a fact.

Which it was.

He really didn’t give Alana enough credit for her ability to read people.

Alana picked her pen back up. “This is an important decision. You shouldn’t base it on Evan.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I’m basing it on where I want to live.”

Alana shook her head at him. “You should be basing it on the schools, on their programs, not on which city has the coolest clubs.”

“Do you really think I’m basing it on which city has the coolest clubs?”

“No. I think you’re basing it on Evan and whether or not you want to be around him for the next few years.” She tapped her chin. “On whether or not you think you can stand to be around him for the next few years.”

Connor’s eyes flickered towards the counter.

Evan and Tracy were laughing about something while they waited for their milkshakes.

Alana cleared her throat. “Okay, let’s just assume you’re going to end up staying where you are, where do you think you’ll live?”

Connor blinked at her because he hadn’t gotten that far in his thinking yet.

“Okay. Have you looked into housing in any of the other cities?”

Connor shook his head.

“Do you have any idea how you’re going to pay for all this?”

“My parents...” Connor shrugged.

“They’re going to pay for everything?”

Connor shrugged again. “I think so.”

Alana nodded slowly. “Okay, that’s where you need to start. Talk to your parents. Figure out if they’re paying for everything or if they’re expecting you to pay for, oh, I don’t know... rent, food, laundry, that kind of thing.”

Connor inhaled sharply. “Okay. I mean, I think they are. They’ve always said they’d help me as long as I’m a full-time student.”

Alana forced herself to smile. “You’re lucky, you know. You’re lucky you have parents who can... My parents try, but there are four of us and... It’s a good thing I’m so organized.”

She took a breath and jotted down a few notes. “Okay, back to the original plan, if you do end up staying where you are, are you going to keep living with Evan?”

Connor snorted at that. “Probably.”

Alana made another note. “That’s almost something.”

She glanced at the counter where Evan and Tracy were sitting. “Does Evan have a plan?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“We haven’t really talked about next year yet.” His heart sped up when he heard himself. “And I’d really appreciate it if you don’t tell him what I’ve told you.”

“What have you told me?” Alana demanded. “You haven’t told me anything.”

Connor gave her a quick thumbs up. “Exactly.”

Alana looked like she wanted to bury her head in her arms. “I hope the rest of our class is more organized than you two.”

“Doubt it,” Connor grinned. “They aren’t even organized enough to show up for this.” 

Staying up all night when he had a 10 AM class was a mistake.

Connor knew that when they started watching their soap. 

He knew it was a mistake. He also knew they were fooling themselves when they said they were only going to watch two episodes before going to bed.

He knew there was no way they’d be able to stop until they’d devoured the entire season.

He was pretty sure Evan knew too, so it wasn’t like he’d tricked him or anything.

They were both exhausted and loopy and emotional when they were done.

Overly emotional.

Connor couldn’t stop crying.

Which meant Evan couldn’t stop laughing.

“Do you want to watch it again?” Evan teased.

Connor flipped him off with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other. “Shut up.”

“The speech. Madeline’s speech. Do you want to watch it again?”

Connor started using both hands to rub his eyes. “I’m so tired I can’t see straight.”

Evan held up his phone so Connor could see the time. “You’re going to be late for class.”

Connor yawned so violently he almost fell off his bed. “Forget class. I’m going to sleep.”

“It’s the first class of the semester. You can’t miss it!”

“This may have been a mistake.”

“Speak for yourself. My first class is at one. I can take a nap before I go.” Evan cackled when Connor flipped him off again.

“I can’t move. I feel like I physically cannot get up.”

“You have twenty minutes until your class starts.”

“Why did we do this again?”

“Because we’re deeply, deeply stupid.”

Connor nodded because that sounded right. “The next season doesn’t come out until May.”

Evan sat up when he heard that. “We’ll be graduating then. Or, you know, almost, depending what day it comes out.”

“Yeah,” Connor breathed. He gasped when Evan elbowed him. “Hey!”

“That’s another reason for you to stay here with me. How can we watch our show if you’re somewhere else?”

“We’ve done the phone-watching thing before,” Connor reminded him.

“It’s not the same!”

“No,” Connor sighed. “It’s not.”

Evan rolled over to look at him. “You want to watch Madeline’s speech again?”

“Do you want to watch it again?” Connor countered. “You’re the one who keeps bringing it up.”

“It made you cry.”

“I haven’t slept in 27 hours. Spilled milk would make me cry right now.”

Evan hummed at that. “It was a good speech.”

“It was.”

Evan put a hand on his chest and sighed. “She loves him. She’ll never love anyone but him. He’s it for her. He’s always been it for her. He’s always going to be it for her. There could never be anyone else because she loves him. She’s stupidly, annoyingly in love with him.”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “Are you done?”

“You only cry when Madeline says it then?”

“I only cry when I haven’t slept in 27 hours.”

“I haven’t slept in 28 hours. You don’t see me crying.”

Connor didn’t dignify that with a response.

“Do you think Jeffrey’s back for good this time?”

Connor shrugged. “It would be really stupid for them to get rid of him now.”

“This show isn’t exactly known for its intelligent plots.”

“After that speech, they’d definitely have to write Madeline off too.”

“We’ll have to make sure you’re well-rested if it comes to that.”

Connor flipped him off for the third time that morning. He felt like that was a record of some kind.

Evan smiled and yawned. He didn’t look the least bit remorseful when he settled himself down on Connor’s pillow. “Turn the light off when you leave.”

Connor stared at him in disbelief. “What do you mean?”

“Good night.”

“Your room is over there.” Connor pointed to his right and then to his left and then to his right again. 

His brain was too tired to work that one out.

So was Evan’s, by the looks of it.

“I set my alarm for 12:30,” Evan mumbled. “I’ll get up then.”

Connor sighed because he didn’t feel like arguing.

He didn’t have time to argue.

He had to get to class. He grabbed his bag and stumbled towards the door.

He remembered the light at the last second.

He reached over Evan to turn it off and it hit him.

Out of nowhere, it hit him.

Because he was tired and sleepy and sleep-deprived.

Because Madeline’s speech was still playing on repeat in his head.

Because it was something he’d known deep down for a while, something he’d refused to let himself think. 

He didn’t just have a sort of crush on Evan.

He wanted to be with Evan.

He wanted to be with him because he loved him. He was in love with him. He was stupidly, annoyingly in love with him.

He tried to push that thought away, but it was too late.

The damage was done.

He was screwed.

He was so totally screwed.


	34. Senior Year - February

There wasn’t really a convenient time to realize you were in love with your best friend, but the start of a new semester came close, especially when the new semester was your last semester as an undergrad. 

Connor was busy. Really busy.

Busy and stressed.

Too busy and stressed to let a little thing like his feelings weigh him down.

So what if he was in love with Evan? Big deal. People fell in love every day.

He’d never been one of them, but still. It happened. It was a common occurrence. There were millions of songs and movies and poems that suggested it happened a lot.

But not to him.

Never to him.

He wasn’t sure if he was really in love. 

He kept telling himself that whenever his feelings tried to take over his brain.

Which wasn’t that often.

A couple times a day, at most. Some days he didn’t think about it at all.

It wasn’t like he was some more poor, pathetic, pining sap of a person. 

It could’ve been worse.

He kept telling himself that.

He made the mistake of looking up how to tell if you were in love with someone.

He didn’t click on any of the results.

He deleted it from his search history and closed his laptop like doing that would erase the whole thing.

He didn’t know why he’d felt the need to look it up in the first place. 

Or, actually, he did. He wanted to know the answer and looking it up had felt safer than asking someone. 

It had felt safer until he’d typed the words, until they were sitting there in front of him.

Then it had felt real and he’d had to get rid of the evidence.

And then he was right back where he started.

Which was fine. He was fine with that.

He was fine with not knowing.

Asking someone for advice was not an option.

Who would he ask?

Evan was usually the person he went to when he wanted to talk and he was out for obvious reasons.

He had other friends, but none of them felt like they’d be a safe person to ask. Jared would go running straight to Evan. Ryan couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. He didn’t know what Seth and Chris would say, but it would probably be terrible and include a lot of _Doctor Who_ quotes. 

There was no way he was asking Cole.

Kai was a possibility, but he couldn’t imagine talking to him about something like this. He couldn’t even imagine how he would start that conversation.

He thought about asking Alana, but he’d have to do it over the phone and he’d spend the whole call picturing how smug she looked, which would make him ignore everything she said.

There was always Zoe. 

He wasn’t going to ask Zoe.

It was weird in a way. It was weird knowing that he had friends, that there were people he could theoretically go to for help, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t even picture doing it. 

It was like all the times he felt alone in a crowd. It was like all the times he felt alone when someone else was right there, literally right there, talking to him and engaging with him and...

He never felt alone when he was with Evan.

That thought popped into his head without warning.

Part of him wondered if that should tell him everything he needed to know.

The other part insisted on pushing it away.

For one brief, slightly terrifying, slightly hilarious moment, he considered asking his parents how they knew they were in love.

He stopped himself before the question even fully formed in his head.

He stopped himself for so many reasons.

Because it was embarrassing.

Because they would never let it go, never forget that he had asked.

Because he wasn’t sure if they’d ever really been in love.

He was pretty sure they loved each other. 

That hadn’t always been the case. There had been a time when he’d been convinced they didn’t even like each other.

He still thought that sometimes.

He also thought there was more to it than that.

They cared about each other. They tolerated each other. They were used to each other. 

At this point in their lives, it made more sense to stay together than it did to split up.

And there was some love in the picture. He was almost certain of that.

He couldn’t imagine either of them ever experiencing the Evan thing though. He couldn’t imagine them experiencing the nervousness and confusion and uncertainty he was feeling.

He couldn’t imagine anyone he knew experiencing that. 

All the more reason for him to keep it to himself.

It wasn’t that bad.

It could’ve been worse.

He usually only thought about it at night when he was lying in bed, staring at his phone, two seconds away from passing out.

He rarely thought about it during the day. When he did, it was a fleeting thought, usually brought on by some small, stupid thing Evan had done.

It bounced into his head and then it was gone. He moved on.

He was good at moving on.

It was harder on the nights when his brain refused to stop churning.

He tried to look at it rationally. 

That only lasted about a minute because it wasn’t rational. It didn’t make sense for him to be in love with his best friend. 

Nothing about it made sense, so it really didn’t make sense for him to worry about it.

It was what it was. 

As long as he didn’t screw things up by letting Evan see how he felt, he was fine.

He could handle that. 

He was good at keeping things in. He was good at keeping in the things that mattered, that could be used against him.

He’d had a lot of practice.

“Have any of you ever been in love?”

The question came out of nowhere.

It seriously came out of nowhere. 

Connor couldn’t even tell who had asked it until Seth sat up and tilted his head at Chris.

“How much have you had?” Seth demanded.

Chris narrowed his eyes. “I’m not drunk.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Chris gestured at the tv. “These movies are making me sad.”

“Hilary?” Seth guessed.

Chris threw his head back and groaned. “No! I’m not... I’m not thinking about her. It’s just... Why do we keep watching these movies?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day,” Seth reminded him.

Chris raised his hand. “Show of hands, who wants to ban Seth from picking the movies for movie night?”

Connor kept his hands in his lap. And not just because he actually liked _10 Things I Hate About You_.

He knew better than to get in the middle of one of Seth and Chris’s squabbles.

Chris sighed when no one budged. “Can we watch something else?”

“Like what?”

“Anything,” Chris shrugged. “These movies are making me feel pathetic and lonely and sad... Just sad.”

“Rom-coms aren’t supposed to make you sad. They’re supposed to...” Seth sighed when he realized no one cared. “No. To answer your question, no. I’ve never been in love.”

“Really?”

Seth snorted at Chris’s surprise. “Who do you think I’ve been in love with?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you dated a lot in high school.”

“Do you seriously think I dated a lot in high school?”

Chris wrinkled his nose. “Not really.”

“Not at all.”

Chris gestured at Connor and Evan. “What about you guys? You ever been in love?”

Evan shook his head right away. He glanced over his shoulder at Connor and...

Connor choked.

Not literally.

He froze.

He didn’t know how to react.

He had to do something. Evan looked more confused with every passing second.

He forced himself to snort. He forced himself to shake his head too.

Evan turned back around.

Seth started rubbing his hands together. He looked so amused that it made Connor’s stomach sink.

He prepared himself for the worst.

Seth rolled over so he could grin up at Chris. “Is that what this is about?” 

“What?” Chris blinked.

“You want someone to list the ten things they love about you?”

“Hate,” Chris corrected. “It’s literally the title of the movie.”

His face went white when he heard himself. “I mean-”

Seth sat up and started wiggling his fingers. “I hate the way you-”

Chris put his hands over his ears and ran for the kitchen. “No.”

Seth took his time chasing after him.

Evan shook his head. “That’s not going to end well.”

Connor snorted because it wasn’t. “Does this mean Seth’s forfeited his chance to pick the next movie?”

“Are we watching another movie? It’s getting kind of...” Evan’s voice trailed off like he’d lost his train of thought.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Connor didn’t buy that for a second.

Evan scratched his neck and blinked at the wall. “Who were you thinking about?”

“What?”

“Before. You had to think about it when Chris asked if... Were you thinking about Matt or Gabe?”

And there it was.

Connor should’ve known he’d gotten off too easily. He would’ve happily taken whatever Seth wanted to dole out over that. “Neither.”

“Neither?”

“I wasn’t thinking about anyone. I just spaced out for a second.”

He let himself glance at Evan quickly to see if he’d bought that.

It was hard to tell. 

He looked away before he could start obsessing. 

The sound of Chris’s door slamming shut made them both jump.

Chris cracked it open a second later, just enough so his voice could be heard. “This is why we need to go out.”

He closed the door again before anyone could argue. 

Chris’s idea of going out wasn’t that bad. 

It was kind of lame, actually.

It could’ve been worse.

At least there weren’t any supply closets involved.

Connor checked the list for that before he agreed to join the scavenger hunt.

He was glad that was the case. He didn’t know what he would’ve said if he’d seen something that made him think he’d end up in a closet with Evan.

He would’ve had to fake an emergency of some kind.

That wouldn’t have gone over well.

Chris and Seth were determined to win. They didn’t even care what the prize was. They just wanted to get that trophy. They wanted to get it to show Kai he wasn’t the only award-winning member of their group.

It was kind of fun at first.

The four of them ran around campus together and took pictures of various landmarks.

Then Seth realized they were behind. The other teams had split up and were covering twice as much ground as they were.

The first clue he had to solve with Evan led them to a yoga class. 

He decided to stand back and let Evan find two people to do the not-actually-compromising pose they had to photograph.

Evan didn’t find that nearly as amusing as he did. He whipped around to glare at Connor after his third failed attempt at asking someone. “You aren’t helping.”

Connor motioned for him to continue. “You’ve got this.”

“I don’t have this,” Evan hissed. “What makes you think I have this?”

“You think I could do better?”

“People might actually stop and listen to you.”

He sounded so frantic when he said it that Connor felt a twinge of guilt.

“Fine,” Connor sighed. He pushed himself off the wall and started towards the group that was leaving the studio. 

He stopped when he realized Evan was waving at someone.

Make that two someones.

It took him a second to place them.

And then he felt a flash of something resembling guilt because what did that say about him?

What did it say about him that he didn’t immediately recognize Conor and George?

His one and only one-night stand and Evan’s...

Whatever George had been to Evan.

Connor still wasn’t really sure about that.

He caught up with Evan before he reached them. “What are you doing?”

Evan turned to blink at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean...” He grasped at his hair because it was too late. Conor and George were heading their way.

“You’re freaking out,” Evan grinned.

“I’m not freaking out.”

“You’re totally freaking out. Have you seen Conor since the bistro?”

Connor shook his head.

Evan didn’t even bother trying to hide his amusement.

“It’s not funny.”

“But it was funny to make me ask random people to pose in a vaguely sexual position?”

“That was different.”

“We need two people to pose.” Evan gestured at Conor and George. “Behold, two people who apparently like yoga.”

“Conor was flexible,” Connor muttered.

It gave him a quick thrill to see how that made Evan’s face go red.

“George wasn’t.”

“Maybe they’re working on that.”

That made Evan go so red he was incapable of forming words.

Which was a problem because that was the moment George and Conor reached them.

It was the most awkward four-way silence Connor had ever been part of. And that was saying something, considering his family.

George spoke first.

He asked Evan a question about their chem lab. 

Because they were friends. 

Connor inhaled sharply when he remembered that.

Evan and George were on good terms again. They were in the same project group. 

That explained why Evan had thought it was okay to ask him for a favor.

George laughed when he heard what it was. So did Conor.

They said yes right away.

Evan wouldn’t stop chewing his lip and peeking up at Connor while he submitted the photo.

It was enough to make Connor want to roll his eyes. “What?”

Evan stared at his phone like he was defusing a bomb. “Nothing.”

Connor refused to look away.

“I was just... Is that the reason you’re thinking about leaving?”

“Because of that picture?”

Evan shook his head and then nodded. “Because if you stay here, there’s always a chance you could run into your ex.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call Conor my ex. And I don’t even know if he’s planning to go to grad school and if he is, if he’s planning to go here.”

“You ran into Matt too.”

“Yeah.”

“And Lauren.”

“You see George all the time.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “But it’s not the same. We’re friends. You don’t keep up with any of your exes.”

“I talk to Gabe sometimes. He’s on the other side of the country, but you know. We talk.”

“I saw Mia the other day.”

Connor froze in his tracks. “For coffee or...”

“She didn’t see me.”

“You didn’t say anything?”

“She was on the other side of the quad. What was I supposed to do? Shout at her?”

“You could’ve sent her a text.”

“Right,” Evan drawled. “That wouldn’t have seemed creepy at all.”

“I’m not thinking about leaving because of my exes. I want to-”

“You want to try something new. I know.” Evan waved his phone at him. “Has tonight taught you nothing? There are lots of new things to try here. We’re graduating in three months and we’ve barely scratched the surface of all the things we can do.”

Connor glanced at the next clue. “We have to go to the library.”

Evan deflated at that. “The library?”

“We have to dance with one of the columns outside the library.”

Evan perked up a bit. “The dancing part’s new.”

“Speak for yourself. I dance with the columns every day.”

“You do?”

“No,” Connor snorted.

“See,” Evan beamed. “Lots of new things to try.”

Connor decided not to point out that that wasn't what he'd been talking about when he said it might be time for him to shake things up.

He decided not to ask why Evan was so determined to convince him it was.

Their team didn’t win the scavenger hunt. They didn’t even come close.

They finished in 12th place.

12th out of 15 teams.

Chris made them all promise not to tell Kai.


	35. Senior Year - March

Evan closed his laptop before the next episode could start playing. “So.”

He inhaled sharply. Really sharply. Like he was trying to work up the nerve to say something.

He scratched his neck and sat up. “What’s on the agenda this week?”

“The agenda?” Connor laughed. He couldn’t help it. Evan had tried so hard to sound casual it had backfired on him.

That question had been anything but casual.

Evan tugged at his shirt like he got that. “I don’t know. What are we doing?”

His eyes widened like he’d made a huge mistake. “What are you doing? Not we. Not... We don’t have to do everything together.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Go everywhere together. You can... you know. You can go off and-”

“Meet new people?” Connor guessed.

He was really starting to regret saying that was something he wanted to do. 

It wasn’t something he wanted to do.

He didn’t want to shake things up or whatever he’d said when he’d told Evan he was thinking about going somewhere else for grad school.

He just wanted to be somewhere where he didn’t feel like the rug could be pulled out from under him at any moment. Staying where he was, being around Evan and people who knew about the Evan thing, made him feel like he was standing on a ledge and one wrong move would send him over.

The thought of going somewhere else, somewhere without Evan, made him feel dizzy and sick and nervous.

He wasn’t sure which was worse.

He didn’t say that out loud, for obvious reasons. 

Evan picked at the carpet. “If you want.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Yeah. That’s why I came here for spring break. To hook up with as many people as possible.”

Evan’s head flew back up. “Why did you come then?”

“Why did you?” Connor countered.

Evan obviously didn’t want to answer that. “I’m just saying it’s fine if you want to... you know. Go off and... whatever. I know I’m not the, uh, the best wingman if-”

Connor couldn’t help snorting at that.

He regretted it when he saw the way it made Evan flinch.

Evan jumped off the floor and started pacing. “You should go with Kai if you’re... you know. If that’s your goal, you should go with Kai. Kai knows how to meet people. Kai’s... you know. He’s good at all that. You should totally hang out with Kai if you want to... you know.”

Connor nodded slowly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Evan stopped so suddenly he almost lost his balance. “Yeah. Kai. Yeah. So... Or Seth, maybe. If you want to seem, uh... you know, normal by comparison then you should take Seth with you.”

“Seth?”

“Yeah.”

“Not Chris?”

“Chris still goes on about Hilary when he gets drunk. You don’t want to deal with that if you’re... you know.”

“Trying to meet people?”

Evan nodded firmly. He spun around so fast his feet finally gave out and he landed sideways on the bed. 

“I’m not trying to meet new people.”

Evan glanced at him quickly. “Okay.”

“Are you?”

Evan snorted. 

And then he laughed. Really laughed. He managed to shake his head somehow.

Connor smiled into his hand. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was a relief. He’d been slightly concerned about where Evan was going with all that.

Slightly being the keyword.

He didn’t think either of them were interested in being stereotypical spring breakers. 

He didn’t think anyone in their group was for that matter. Not really anyway.

They were there for the beach and to be together and that was it. One last hurrah before they all graduated and went their separate ways.

Evan still looked skeptical. He closed his eyes and took a breath when he stopped laughing. “Okay, so neither of us are...”

He glanced at Connor again. He glanced at him like he was waiting for him to deny it.

Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I’m here because you’re here.”

That made Evan’s brow furrow. “What?”

“You said you were coming, so I-”

“I came because you came!” Evan pressed a hand against his forehead. “I mean-”

“I know what you mean,” Connor grinned.

Evan rubbed his forehead even harder. “We need to stop doing this.”

It took Connor a second to follow that.

He didn’t get it until he saw how red Evan’s ears were.

The supply closet.

Evan was talking about their tendency to follow each other, to assume that the other one was leading.

He had a point.

It was not a point either of them wanted to think about or discuss.

Connor decided to get the conversation back on track. “What’s on your agenda?”

Evan blinked like he hadn’t thought about that. “Um.”

“You don’t have an agenda?”

“Neither do you!” Evan bit his lip. “Right?”

“I mean, obviously I want to go watch the wet t-shirt contest and...” He couldn’t help laughing at Evan’s expression. “I don’t even know if there is a wet t-shirt contest.”

“Would you want to go if there was?”

They both snorted.

“We should do things,” Connor decided. “If we spend the whole week in here, we may as well have stayed home.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. He chewed his lip when his eyes landed on his laptop. “One more episode?”

Connor motioned for him to go ahead.

They didn’t leave the room until their stomachs started to growl. And even then, it was only because room service was expensive.

Connor’s parents were funding the trip, but he knew they expected him to give them all his receipts when he got back and he really didn’t feel like explaining why he’d spent $22 on nachos. 

The lobby was crowded. It was packed with spring breakers. Most of them were heading out to the pool or grabbing a shuttle to the beach.

Neither of those options sounded appealing to Connor. 

Or to Evan, from the looks of it.

The resort had three restaurants. There was a café by the pool, a family restaurant, and a candlelit bistro.

None of those options sounded appealing either.

The family restaurant was so loud they could hear the noise from the lobby.

The pool looked like something out of a spring break movie.

And the bistro was obviously meant for couples and businessmen. 

Evan pointed at something across the lobby. “We can rent a goldfish!”

Connor let out a startled laugh. He couldn’t tell if Evan hadn’t noticed their dilemma or if he was choosing to ignore it. “How does that solve the dinner problem?”

“What dinner problem?” Evan blinked. 

He blinked even harder when he realized what Connor meant. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Evan pulled out his phone. “Let’s see what everyone else... Jared and Zoe are in there.” He pointed at the bistro. “Jared says we are not invited.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. He rubbed his hands together. “So, that means we’re crashing, right?”

Evan smiled as he checked his phone. “They just got there. They haven’t even ordered yet.”

“We better hurry then.”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed.

They were out of luck.

Zoe and Jared were seated at a table that was clearly meant for two. And it wasn’t the kind of place that let people pull up chairs.

Jared smirked and waved when he noticed them.

And then he pointed at an empty table across from them.

An empty table with a flickering candle and a view of the ocean.

It was like something out of a cinematic proposal.

Connor cleared his throat and claimed he didn’t see anything he wanted to eat on the menu. 

Evan nodded and said the same. 

They ended up going back to the room and ordering the $22 nachos.

Connor decided he could get away with losing one receipt.

There were only two beds in the room.

Two beds and four of them.

Zoe and Jared were sharing, obviously.

The rest of it wasn’t so obvious.

The couch didn’t pull out. The lady at the front desk sounded like she was trying not to laugh when she said all their rollaways had been reserved weeks ago. 

It was what it was.

Two beds. Four of them.

The solution was obvious. 

At least the beds were huge.

Jared’s snoring seemed to get worse every time Connor had to deal with it.

It took all his willpower not to smother him.

He didn’t know how Zoe could sleep through it.

He couldn’t sleep.

Neither could Evan.

He realized that when he rolled onto his other side.

Evan was staring right at him.

Or possibly at Jared.

It was hard to tell. 

It was too dark to tell if Evan was panicking or blushing or doing anything other than mentally willing Jared to quiet down.

“I’m on the wrong side,” Evan blurted out.

“What?” Connor laughed.

Jared made a sound that almost sounded like a shush.

Connor was pretty sure it was a wheeze.

Evan pointed at Connor’s pillow. “I usually sleep on that side of the bed.”

“Then why did you-”

“You were already lying down and I thought...” Evan shrugged. “I didn’t think it would matter.”

“But it does?”

Evan nodded slightly.

Connor sat up. “Okay. Let’s switch then.”

“Do you usually sleep on that side?”

“I don’t really have a side.” 

Evan seemed content with that. 

They switched sides.

It was easier said than done.

It would’ve been easier if one of them had gotten out of bed and walked around to the other side.

They weren’t awake enough to think about that.

Their arms touched and their legs touched and it was an awkward, fumbling mess.

Connor practically threw himself onto his new pillow.

It was still warm and smelled like Evan. Or what he thought Evan must smell like. 

It wasn’t like he’d ever really paid attention to that.

He inhaled deeply before he realized what he was doing.

Evan didn’t notice. He was too busy fluffing his pillow.

“Better?” Connor asked.

Evan hummed contentedly.

Jared released his loudest snore yet.

Zoe elbowed him so sharply Connor wondered if she was awake.

He closed his eyes before he could find out.

Evan’s head was on his shoulder when he woke up.

He ignored that.

Everyone ignored that.

By everyone, he meant Zoe.

Evan ran for the bathroom before Jared even opened his eyes.

The second night was less awkward than the first.

Things were settled. They understood their sleeping arrangements. They each had a side.

And Jared was so tired he fell into a snore-less sleep the second his head hit the pillow.

So did Zoe. 

Either that or she was really good at pretending to be asleep.

Connor didn’t really care either way. He turned off the lights and stared at his phone while he waited for drowsiness to occur.

He rolled onto his side when he heard Evan snort. “What?”

Evan turned his phone so he could see.

It was a picture of him with the bird that had landed on his shoulder.

“I think I found my new wallpaper.”

Connor tried to snatch the phone.

Evan grinned and scooted away. “I should send this to your mom. It can go in your next Christmas letter.”

He cackled when Connor tried to grab his phone again.

They froze when they heard what sounded like laughter from the other bed.

They both sat up to look.

Zoe and Jared hadn’t budged at all. 

Connor exhaled slowly. “That wasn’t funny.”

“It was a little funny.”

“A bird landed on my shoulder. I could’ve died.” 

Evan grinned at the ceiling. “That would’ve been a sad way to go. Heart attack because a tiny, little birdie landed on your shoulder.”

“I don’t like birds.”

“I know.” Evan propped himself up on his elbow. “You can choose where we go tomorrow.”

“Is it supposed to rain again?”

Evan shook his head. “You want to go to the beach?”

Connor shook his head. 

“You want to go to the library?”

“There’s a library?”

“There’s always a library, isn’t there?” Evan shrugged.

“Maybe. We could try that street with all the shops.” Connor wrinkled his nose. “I should probably work on my thesis at some point.”

“Yeah,” Evan breathed. 

“And...” Connor glanced across the room. It was unsettling how quiet Zoe and Jared were being.

It was enough to make him feel like they were eavesdropping.

Evan yawned and rolled onto his back. “We can talk about it in the morning.” 

Their heads were on the same pillow when they woke up.

It was even more awkward than how they’d woken up the day before.

Neither of them said a word about it.

They decided to be social on the third night.

Cole announced they should all go play mini-golf and everyone actually thought he’d had a good idea for once.

It was fun. More fun than all the other times Connor had played.

Cole and Kai were the only ones taking it seriously.

Zoe caught up with him on the eighth hole. She started laughing as soon as their eyes met. “Do you remember the time we went golfing with Aunt Jamie?”

Connor snorted because he did.

Zoe nudged him until he realized what she was doing.

She wanted to get a picture of them in front of the elephant. 

She smiled and sent it to someone. Jamie, presumably. “I’m not helping you if your ball goes in the swamp this time.”

“Same,” Connor retorted.

Zoe leaned back against the rail. “Are you having fun?”

“Sure,” Connor shrugged.

“Is Evan having fun?”

Connor didn’t say anything because he wasn’t sure what she meant by that.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.

“You guys have been hanging out a lot this week.”

“We always hang out a lot.”

“You haven’t come to the beach with us.”

“We’re not beach people,” Connor reminded her.

“Or snow people or...” Zoe shrugged good-naturedly. “What did you do today?”

“We walked up and down that one street.”

“All day?”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “What do you want me to say? That we...”

He stopped himself because there wasn’t a safe way to finish that thought.

Zoe smiled like she got that. “Mom wants us to bring her some kind of cream from the spa. Don’t let me forget.”

She pushed herself off the rail and went to take her turn.

Her ball soared through the air and landed in the water below.

Connor didn’t bother hiding his laughter.

Their heads were together when they woke up on the fourth morning. Their arms were tangled and their feet were playing some kind of slow-motion footsie game. 

Jared snorted and that was it.

No one said a word. 

They finally made it to the beach on their last night there.

They actually went to a party on the beach.

It was the one stereotypical spring breaker thing they did.

It wasn’t bad.

The drinks were cheap and the music could’ve been worse.

Not much, but Connor was sure there had to be a worse band out there somewhere.

He hoped he never found them.

It was better when the band took a break and someone put on music that didn’t make their ears bleed.

It was even better when a Pink medley came on.

Zoe dragged him onto the dance floor for that.

He froze until she started to move.

It was like she was twelve again, bouncing around their living room while he tried to read, begging him to get up until he finally did.

He started bouncing too.

He couldn't help it.

He didn’t care who saw.

It was late when they got back to the room.

Really late. Well past midnight.

Which meant that it was technically Evan’s birthday.

Not that Evan noticed.

He was too drunk to notice anything.

He was too drunk to do anything but curl up on the bathroom floor and hope he was done throwing up.

Connor stayed with him because he thought someone should.

And because Evan asked him to.

Not with words.

With a look and a grasp that was almost a squeeze.

He settled himself down on the floor and patted Evan’s back.

It was the least he could do.

They woke up to the sound of Jared peeing.

It was not a pleasant way to wake up.

Jared didn’t say a word.

He didn’t even laugh when he saw the way they were curled up together.

No one felt like talking on the bus. 

It was early and most of them were still hungover from the night before.

Connor pressed his forehead against the window and watched the world go by.

Evan fell asleep before they’d even left the parking lot.

His head fell onto Connor’s shoulder. It fell so slowly that it almost felt intentional.

It stayed there for the entire ride.

Connor didn’t let himself think about that until he was home, in his room, alone for the first time in days.

Even then, he tried to push it away.

He tried not to let himself wonder if maybe the Evan thing wasn’t all in his head.

He was not successful.


	36. Senior Year - April

Alana buried her head in her arms so suddenly that Connor wondered if she’d burst into tears.

He pulled back to blink at the screen. He didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t a polite way to ask if someone was crying.

She was crying silently if she was. 

Connor tapped his pen against his chin and tried not to sound impatient when he breathed.

He had work to do. Work that he needed his laptop for. He didn’t have time to sit there while Alana had a nervous breakdown.

He scratched his neck and glanced over his shoulder at the door. “Okay, well, I’ll let you go so-”

Alana popped back up. She tilted her head at him. “Let me go?”

Connor shrugged and looked at everything but the camera. “You’re busy. I’ll let you go.”

“I’m not busy. That’s the problem. I’m not...” Alana closed her eyes and took a breath. “This wasn’t the plan.”

“Then you’ll come up with a new plan.”

That had been the wrong thing to say. Connor knew that before he saw her expression.

This was a rant call, not a request for advice.

He opened his mouth to apologize.

She went off on him before he could. “That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have a plan. Have you ever had a plan or do you just coast through life without doing anything, without caring about anything?”

She folded her arms across her chest. “How were we even in the same classes?”

Connor didn’t know what to say.

It took all his willpower not to slam his laptop shut.

Alana looked slightly ashamed when their eyes met. “I mean...”

“I do things.”

“You do now,” Alana conceded. “In high school though...”

He knew what she was thinking. He knew she’d thought he was a burnout. Everyone had thought he was a burnout, including his family.

He’d tried though. Maybe not as hard as Alana, but his grades hadn’t been accidental. 

And he definitely wasn’t that lucky.

“I may not have participated like you did, but-”

Alana snorted. And then she laughed. 

She laughed like she needed to laugh.

He couldn’t fault her for that, even if it was a bit insulting.

“You’re smarter than I thought you were,” Alana admitted.

“Gee, thanks.”

“I mean it. I thought you were, like, this weird stoner guy who... I don’t know. I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

He didn’t think anyone had spent a lot of time thinking about him. 

It was weird to think that that had changed.

Alana puffed out her cheeks and exhaled slowly. “I should go. I’m meeting my advisor in an hour and I want to go over some things first.”

“You’ve got this.”

Alana pulled herself up. “I’ve got this.”

The call ended. 

Connor pulled his thesis back up and stared at it.

He allowed his brain to melt for exactly three seconds before he forced himself to focus.

Alana wasn’t the only one having a nervous breakdown.

There was a lot of that going around.

It was to be expected. They were graduating in less than two months. 

Chris suddenly started spending all his free time in his room. It took them over a week to notice that. He left for class and that was it. 

Seth was the one who finally figured it out and decided to do something about it.

Connor wasn’t sure exactly what he did, but it involved a lot of shouting and ended with Chris’s sweatpants being thrown out the window.

Seth was the only one in the suite who didn’t seem like he was on the verge of a breakdown. Probably because he had a path. A clear path. He’d been planning to take over his family’s restaurant since he was twelve.

Things weren’t so certain for the rest of them. 

Chris had become a stinky, sweatpants-wearing hermit because he was panicking about his lack of direction. 

Evan had gotten the grant he needed to stay where he was and work with Dr. Whitney, but he wasn’t sure about the rest of it. He was freaking out about his senior project and his finals and where he was going to live after he graduated. 

He tried to keep that last part to himself.

He tried not to bring it up around Connor because he knew things were still up in the air for Connor.

Neither of them liked to think about that.

Connor decided to go apartment shopping with Evan for several reasons.

If he decided not to switch schools, there was a good chance he’d end up living in whatever apartment Evan chose. Which meant it would be in his best interest to scope things out too.

He didn’t have anything better to do that day.

And he hated to admit it, but he didn’t trust Evan to remember to ask the questions he needed to ask.

Remember wasn’t the right word.

It sounded nicer than saying he thought Evan would be too jittery to focus though.

His instincts were right.

Evan was all over the place at their first stop.

He would go several minutes without saying a word and then he’d blurt out the dumbest questions imaginable.

Connor couldn’t imagine why he was so interested in what kind of moss was growing on the rocks next to the parking lot.

Or, actually, he could.

It was the agent who was caught off-guard by that question.

She still thought it was adorable though.

Or that Evan was adorable. 

Or both.

Probably both.

Evan didn’t pick up on that at all.

He also didn’t realize what she was getting at with all her questions. Her very subtle, discreet questions that were designed to tell her what they were to each other.

She was trying to figure out if they were friends or boyfriends or brothers.

Connor was pretty sure she hadn’t figured it out by the time the tour was over.

That amused him more than it probably should have.

They made a game of it after that.

They purposely started trying to confuse the agents. 

They turned it into a competition to see who could be the most confusing. 

It was easy and funny and distracted Evan enough that he actually remembered to ask about things like security deposits and pest control. 

Evan wouldn’t stop staring at his phone while they ate.

It would’ve been annoying if Connor hadn’t been doing the same thing.

He had a feeling they were staring for two very different reasons though.

He was reading the avalanche of texts he’d been receiving all day.

The texts he’d ignored because he’d been apartment shopping and that was way more important than whatever his mother wanted.

He sighed when he realized what that was.

She was trying to figure out what his post-college plans were. 

She’d recruited his father to help when he didn’t answer her.

She’d recruited Aunt Jamie when that didn’t work.

He answered Jamie first because she was the easiest one to answer.

Jamie was about to attend some kind of librarian conference at his school. She wanted to know if they could meet up for lunch.

Connor rolled his eyes because he saw right through that.

He said yes anyway.

And then he sent both of his parents a vague text that he knew wouldn’t satisfy them at all.

He finished answering his texts before Evan finished doing whatever he was doing.

He put his phone down and watched.

It took Evan a second to notice that. “What?”

“What?” Connor parroted.

“I’m reading the reviews of the, uh, the apartments we looked at. I’m pretty sure Henry wrote this one.”

He held his phone up for Connor to see.

The review just said that the girl at the front desk was hot and had nice boobs.

Evan pocketed his phone. “The fifth one has the best reviews.”

“They’re the most expensive.”

“And there’s a waiting list.” Evan sighed and twisted his hands around in front of him. “Jared’s building makes the most sense.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“It wasn’t bad.”

“It wasn’t great either.”

“It was...” Evan shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll probably go with them unless...”

“Unless what?”

“There’s no way I can afford the fifth one on my own.”

Connor took a bite of his salad. “We should’ve asked how long the waiting list is.”

Evan looked at him like he didn’t know what to make of that, like he was afraid to ask. 

Afraid because asking would give Connor the opportunity to give him a definite answer about what he was doing.

Connor was glad he didn’t ask because he didn’t have an answer. 

He wasn’t sure when he would.

He knew when he needed to have one.

He had less than two months to make a final decision.

That was the reason his parents kept prying.

That was the reason everyone kept prying.

Or so it seemed.

He knew there were some people in his life who couldn’t have cared less about what he was doing.

He knew the majority of the people who were asking were asking out of curiosity and nothing else.

It still felt like he was being pressured though.

Pressured to make a decision. Pressured to make the right decision. Pressured not to screw everything up. 

He didn’t handle pressure well. 

That was a well-documented fact. A well-documented fact that he really didn’t like to think about or be reminded of, especially while he was trying his hardest not to screw up his life.

“Sorry-sorry-sorry,” Jamie gasped as she practically crashed onto the chair across from him. “I thought that workshop was never going to end. Pro tip from me to you, never sign up for a lecture by Ernest Walters. That man has got to be the most... Hi.”

Jamie blinked when she realized Connor was not alone.

Evan blinked too. “I was just leaving.”

Jamie waved her hand dismissively. “I can’t stay. The lecture ran so long my next one starts in...” She cursed under her breath when she saw the time. “Let me get right to it then. You know why I’m here, don’t you?”

“For a conference?”

Jamie made a face. “Yes, but... You know why I’m here right now, don’t you? Why I’m using my precious few minutes of break time to track you down?”

“Mom sent you,” Connor monotoned.

Jamie smiled tightly. “She’s concerned.”

“She’s always concerned.”

“It’s killing her that she doesn’t know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He chose to ignore the way that made Evan twitch. “I’m planning to go here next year.”

“Tentatively,” Jamie said. “That’s the word your mother used.”

Connor nodded because that was accurate.

“Would it help you to talk to me about the schools you got into?” Jamie’s hands flew up defensively. “I know a thing or two about becoming a librarian, you know. I could help you pick the program that’s best for you.”

Connor nodded because he was sure she could. 

That wasn’t the problem though. 

The problem was that he wasn’t sure where he wanted to live.

And, for some reason, that was more important to him than the program he was going to be enrolled in.

“He thinks it’s time for him to shake things up and live somewhere else,” Evan said. He lowered his eyes so he couldn’t see Connor’s glare.

“Shake things up?” Jamie smiled into her hand. “No, I get that. Why do you think I skipped town the second I finished high school?”

“I feel like it might be time for a change,” Connor admitted.

Jamie nodded. “Okay, so what other schools did you get into then?”

Connor couldn’t help noticing the way that made Evan twitch.

Evan cleared his throat and stood up. “I’m just going to...”

He gestured vaguely in the direction of the salad bar.

Connor stared at his hands until Evan was gone. “He doesn’t want me to leave.”

“I see that.”

Connor glanced over his shoulder at Evan. “What do you mean?”

“It’s obvious. The way he...” She twisted her hands around the way Evan always did when he was anxious. “You’re his best friend. Of course, he doesn’t want you to skip town.”

That was it.

Of course, that was it.

There wasn’t anything else to it.

“It doesn’t matter what he wants,” Jamie reminded him. “You have to choose what’s best for you.”

“I like it here.”

“Okay,” Jamie nodded.

“I’m used to it.”

“That can be a good thing. Next year’s going to be hard enough as it is without having to adjust to a new place.”

“Yeah,” Connor muttered.

“They have a good library science program here. You lucked out in that sense.”

Connor nodded slightly.

“So-”

“Evan’s going here next year.” Connor closed his eyes when he heard himself.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I don’t know.”

Jamie tilted her head. “You don’t know?”

“It’s complicated.”

Jamie’s eyes flashed like she got that. She got why it was complicated.

She also got that it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss.

Especially not when Evan was on his way back.

Connor snorted when he saw Evan’s plate. It looked like he’d panicked and piled a bunch of random things on it.

He had a feeling that was exactly what had happened.

Jamie grabbed her bag and stood up. “I better go.”

She hesitated with her hand on the back of her chair. “I told Zoe I’d meet her for dinner. You’re welcome to join us if you...” She smiled when she saw his expression. “I’ll tell your mom not to worry. You’re still thinking, but it’s fine because you have time.”

Connor nodded to show his thanks.

He watched her go.

He watched her stop Evan and say something to him. He watched them talk. He watched them laugh. 

He watched the way Evan tried to hide his confusion as he sat back down.

He tried not to think about that.

He pointed at Evan’s plate. “What is that?”

“I’m hungry.”

“For radishes and...” Connor stuck his finger in one of the many sauces splattered on Evan’s plate. “Chocolate sauce?”

“I couldn’t decide what I was in the mood for.”

“Are you pregnant or something?”

“Very,” Evan deadpanned. He chewed his lip like there was something he wanted to say.

He decided not to say it.

He made that clear when he dipped a carrot in the chocolate sauce and popped it in his mouth. “Not bad.”

“You’re gross.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. He did the same thing with a piece of celery. “Probably.”

Connor burst out laughing as soon as the door opened. “Nice robe.”

Jared spun around to show it off. “It’s your sister’s.”

“I know. Our mother gave it to her. She got herself a matching one.” It gave Connor a quick thrill to see how that dampened Jared’s mood. 

For a second. Only for a second.

Jared swished the belt and did a lunge that was almost a curtsey. “What do you want?”

“Where’s Zoe?”

“In the shower.” Jared wiggled his eyebrows. “She needed one, if you know what I mean.”

Connor didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing him react. He waved the bag he was carrying in Jared’s face. “Give this to her when she gets out.”

“What’s...” Jared shrugged and tossed the bag onto Zoe’s bed. He put a hand out to stop Connor when he turned to leave. “Hey. While you’re here, I’ve been meaning to ask...”

Connor raised an eyebrow at him.

“What are your plans for next year?”

It took all of Connor’s willpower not to groan out loud.

“Do you know where you’re living yet because...” Jared drawled. He puffed his cheeks out and took a breath. “I don’t think I can survive another year with Henry. I was thinking the three of us could-”

“The three of us?”

“You, me, and Evan.”

“Right,” Connor muttered.

“I was thinking the three of us could get a place together.”

Connor blinked because he didn’t know what to say. “You’re staying here?”

“Duh.” Jared rolled his eyes. “Where did you think I was going?”

Connor shrugged because he hadn’t really thought about it. 

“I got a job across town, so you know.” Jared clucked his tongue. “It means Zoe and I don’t have to break up or try the long-distance thing.”

Jared tilted his head. “You’re going here, aren’t you?”

“Evan told you that?”

“Zoe,” Jared corrected. “Zoe told me you were going here to get your book nerd degree.”

Connor scratched his neck and eyed the exit. “I have to get to class.”

“Think about it!” Jared called after him.

He didn’t think about.

Not seriously anyway.

He let the idea bounce around his head for a second before he realized how terrible it sounded. 

It was nice in a way. 

It was kind of nice to have one thing that felt certain.

Gabe was annoyingly certain about what he was going to do after he graduated.

Or maybe it was just that Connor wasn’t in the mood to hear it.

He tried not to let that show.

He was not successful. He didn’t need to see himself to know that.

Gabe rested his chin on his hands and stared at him like he was trying to read his soul through the screen. “What?”

Connor made a show of pulling something out of his bag.

A pen.

He waved it when he saw what it was. “Nothing.”

“Am I boring you?”

Connor shook his head. “No.”

Gabe studied him for a second. “Tell me what you’re doing again.”

Connor closed his eyes because he really didn’t feel like going into it. Again. “I’m-”

“Going to grad school to become a librarian. Yeah.” Gabe snorted. “I can’t believe you’re actually going through with that.”

Connor really wasn’t in the mood to hear that. He spun around in his chair and gripped the edge of his desk to stop himself. “What that’s supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know,” Gabe grinned. “You just don’t seem like...”

“Like what?”

“Okay, maybe I’m not the best person to judge. It’s not like we’re... you know... really close or anything.” Gabe let out an uncomfortable laugh when Connor continued to stare. “I don’t know. You just... I mean, look at Clover. They have the right temperament to be a librarian. You...”

“You don’t think I have the right temperament to be a librarian?”

Gabe scratched his neck and looked up at the ceiling. “That’s not what I said.”

“That’s exactly what you said.”

“Not exactly,” Gabe laughed. “I didn’t say those exact words. I said-”

“Fuck you,” Connor snapped.

He slammed his laptop shut and leaned back so far he almost fell. He barely managed to grab the desk in time.

His head was spinning. His heart was racing. He needed to do something.

He stood up and paced around his room.

It didn’t help. The room was too small and his steps were too big for it to make a difference.

He cursed when his foot landed on something sharp.

He really needed to clean his room. He couldn’t even see the floor anymore. 

He blinked around the room. 

His eyes landed on the stack of papers on his desk. The second draft of his thesis. He’d printed it out because he couldn’t bring himself to keep staring at the screen.

He knocked the papers on the floor because that was the kind of mood he was in.

It wasn’t enough.

He threw his stapler at the wall.

Still not enough.

He threw his textbook too.

His math textbook.

It seemed fitting somehow.

It was almost enough.

He shook his arms and bounced up and down.

He felt like a boxer getting ready to fight.

His door creaked open slowly, tentatively, like the person opening it wasn’t sure what they were going to find.

Which was fair.

Connor had been in a mood all day. 

All week, if he was being honest.

It was about everything and nothing.

He was stressed and confused and overwhelmed and so many things he couldn’t put a finger on. 

He just wanted the semester to be over. He wanted to graduate. He wanted to feel like he had at least half a clue what he was doing.

He closed his eyes and turned to face the door.

Evan shook his head at him. “What did you do? Throw your printer?”

“I don’t have a printer,” Connor snapped.

Evan threw his hands up defensively. “You threw something.”

“My stapler.”

“Your stapler made that sound?”

“And my math book.”

Evan’s eyes flashed knowingly. “Do you need help with your math homework?”

Connor’s hands balled into fists. “I’m not stupid!”

“I didn’t say you were! Needing help doesn’t make you-”

“God,” Connor groaned. “What is with people today?”

Evan’s eyes widened like he was waiting for him to go on.

He didn’t go on. He couldn’t go on.

“What happened?” Evan whispered.

“What happened?” Connor mimicked. “You want to hear what happened?”

“Yes,” Evan nodded. “That’s why I asked.”

Connor flopped down on his bed and threw an arm across his face. He kicked the spot next to him and squinted at Evan until he perched on the edge of the bed.

They stayed like that for a minute.

Connor was buzzing. He actually felt like he was buzzing. Like his blood, his skin, all of it was buzzing.

Evan didn’t know what to say. He could tell that without even looking at him.

He could picture the way Evan was staring at him, the way his mouth was opening and closing, the way his hands were twisting around in his lap.

It made his stomach do a flip.

He forced himself to sit back up. “I was just talking to Gabe.”

Evan nodded for him to go on.

“We were just catching up. He was telling me about his plans and I started telling him about mine and...”

“And?” Evan prompted when Connor didn’t go on.

“He laughed.”

“He laughed?”

“He was surprised to hear I’m seriously planning to become a librarian. So surprised that he laughed.”

“He laughed at you for wanting to be a librarian?”

“He laughed because he thought it was ridiculous.” Connor tilted his head back at the ceiling. “He thought it was fucking ridiculous because I don’t have the right temperament for the job.”

“He said that?”

“Yeah.”

“In those words?”

“Yeah.”

“In those exact-”

“What part of yeah aren’t you understanding?”

Evan puffed his cheeks out and exhaled slowly. “Well-”

“Screw him,” Connor huffed. “Yeah. I know. It’s just...” Connor grabbed at his hair. “It’s just he’s not the only one who’s said that.”

“Who-”

“Zoe was surprised when she heard. She laughed and said she’d never pictured me doing a job where I had to be around people.”

“She thinks it’s a good idea now. She told me that recently. And your parents-”

“Are supportive,” Connor finished. “Even my dad has been supportive. He keeps saying he thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Yeah. Exactly. So, who cares what some guy you went out with a couple summers ago thinks?”

“Jared thinks it’s a terrible idea.”

“Since when do you care what Jared thinks?” Evan grinned. “It’s Jared. And, you know, he’d pretty much think anything you wanted to do was stupid just because you’re you.”

Connor snorted at that. He pulled himself up so he was leaning against the wall.

Evan scooted back so he was too. “You’ve got this. If I didn’t think you could do it, I would’ve said something.”

Connor snorted again. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I would!”

“You’d come out and say you think I’m making a fucking mistake?”

“I might not put it that way, but I’d say something.”

Connor made a face because he knew that was true. Evan would’ve said something. Maybe not with words, but he’d gotten pretty good at reading him. He’d gotten pretty good at understanding Evan’s body language. He would’ve been able to tell if Evan thought he was making a mistake.

Evan tilted his head so he could look him in the eye. “I don’t though. I don’t think you’re making a mistake.”

Connor gripped his comforter. “But what if I am?”

“Then you’ll pick something else. How’s that saying go? Tomorrow’s a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

“_Anne of Green Gables_.”

“See,” Evan grinned. “The fact that you recognize that means you-”

He kissed Evan.

There was no getting around the fact that he was the one to initiate the kiss.

Evan hadn’t even seen it coming. One second he was trying to give his best friend a pep talk, the next...

Connor tried not to think about that. He tried not to wonder if he was assaulting his best friend.

It was an easy thing to forget because his mind was blank. Wonderfully blank. He couldn’t have put a thought together if he tried.

He had initiated the kiss, but Evan was kissing him back.

And it wasn’t clear who had deepened the kiss. 

It could’ve been either of them.

That was enough for him.

Almost enough.

He pulled back to check in with Evan.

Silently check in.

Evan didn’t push him away or punch him or scream for help.

They kissed again.

It was hard to tell who initiated that one.

The room felt impossibly calm when they were done.

Calm and quiet and sleepy.

Or maybe that was just Connor. Maybe that was just how he felt.

He felt like he couldn’t move.

He felt like he’d done enough moving to last a lifetime.

Part of him wanted to get up and put something on. 

Something to stop him from being naked.

Because that was what he was.

Naked.

The thought of that made him want to laugh.

He didn’t though.

He was too tired to laugh or move or talk.

He put his head on Evan’s shoulder. He rubbed it against Evan’s neck.

He tried not to think about the fact that Evan was naked too because thinking about that would make him do something other than laugh. He wasn’t sure what, but there wasn’t anything funny about that.

There wasn’t anything funny about what they’d done.

Not really. Not in a ha-ha kind of way.

He closed his eyes.

He could feel his breathing grow steady.

It only took him a minute to fall asleep.


	37. Senior Year - The Day After

Connor was falling. 

Correction, he felt like he was falling.

It took him a second to realize he hadn’t actually been dropped out of a plane.

It took him another second to realize that he was waking up, that the falling sensation was happening because he’d been woken up before he was ready to wake up.

And then he realized he was alone.

Naked and alone.

It took a second for him to put the pieces together, to remember why he didn’t think he should be alone.

And then he panicked because if he was alone, then that meant that Evan was gone, that Evan had snuck out, that...

He opened his eyes when he heard a rustling sound by his desk.

He sat up. 

Evan was still there. 

Technically still there.

He was getting dressed. Frantically getting dressed. He looked like he was two seconds away from bolting out the door.

“You’re leaving?”

The words floated out of Connor. He didn’t remember saying them. He didn’t remember thinking them.

It was like he was watching himself from outer space.

He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus.

Evan pulled his shirt on. He took his time smoothing it out. “My chem lab starts in fifteen minutes.”

Connor nodded vaguely.

Space. So much space. Deep space.

“You really need to clean your room.”

Connor hit the ground.

Not literally. It just felt that way.

It was like there was ice water in his veins.

Everything came into focus.

His room was a mess.

Everything was a mess. 

He felt like he was going to throw up.

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Yeah. I’ll get right on that.”

He fell back onto his pillow. He threw an arm over his face.

He stayed like that for an eternity.

For what felt like an eternity. In reality, it was probably only a second or two.

He was with it enough to understand that.

The room fell silent.

He couldn’t tell if Evan was still there until he heard the door creak open. 

That was another thing in his life he had to fix. He wondered if any of his friends had a can of WD-40.

Cole, probably. That seemed like the kind of thing Cole would have.

He wasn’t sure if he felt like asking.

He propped himself up when he didn’t hear the door close.

Evan was frozen in the doorway. He was the very definition of a deer caught in the headlights. “Are you feeling better?”

Connor’s heart sped up. The ice water coursing through his veins froze. “Better?”

Evan nodded. “Better. Calmer. Last night you were...”

His face twitched like he knew he’d said the wrong thing. “So, uh, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you at dinner. I guess?”

Connor grabbed his phone and started checking his texts.

There weren’t many. 

It wouldn’t have mattered if there had been a hundred.

He didn’t feel like reading any of them.

He forced himself to shrug. “Yeah.”

He kept his eyes on his phone. 

He didn’t look up until he heard the door click shut.

He sent Alana a thumbs up without actually reading her texts. 

He didn’t know if that was the right response, but he was pretty sure it was.

He didn’t need to read every word she’d written to understand what she was getting at.

Things were working out for her. She was making them work. The slight setback she’d had was exactly that. 

A slight setback.

All was good in Alana Land again.

His only other text was from his mom. 

She wanted to meet him for lunch. 

She tried to make it sound like a request. A light, breezy request. 

Her schedule was flexible. She could come see him anytime he wanted.

He told her his week was packed and left it at that.

He closed his messages and opened the weather app.

His heart skipped a beat when he realized what he was doing.

It made him sad to think about how he wasn’t getting the forecast from Evan.

He closed the app without checking the temperature. 

It didn’t matter.

He’d freeze or burn or get wet. The weather was the least of his problems.

He drummed his fingers on the side of his phone and stared at the wall.

A sudden shock surged through his veins.

He called Zoe.

He called her without thinking.

She answered before he even realized what he’d done.

She sounded tired, cranky, like he’d woken her up.

He let that roll off of him. He breathed into the phone. “I did something stupid.”

There was a pause while she digested that.

He could picture the way she was frowning at her phone. She was weighing the pros and cons of getting involved in whatever stupid thing he had done.

“Okay,” Zoe sighed. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Be where?”

“Campus security. What’d you do this time?” 

Connor blinked at his phone. “I’m not... I’m in my room. I...”

Zoe breathed into the phone. “You weren’t arrested?”

“I wasn’t arrested.”

“Okay, so what did you do then?”

“Evan.”

“What did Evan do?”

“Me.”

Another pause.

He could picture the way Zoe’s face was contorting while she tried to work that one out.

“Wait. Hold on. Are you saying you-”

“Yes.”

Connor rubbed his forehead when he heard someone laughing in the background. 

Jared.

He would know that laugh anywhere.

He decided to let that roll off of him too. “Last night. He came in here and we...”

“You what?” Zoe hissed.

Jared’s laughter grew louder.

“Do I really need to spell it out for you? Why don’t you ask Jared? I’m sure he’d be happy to fill you in.”

Zoe exhaled deeply. “Okay. Um... So. I take it he’s not there right now?”

“He left.”

“Right. Okay. And... Was it...”

“Good. It was good.”

Zoe let out a noise that was somewhere between a gag and a giggle. “I really don’t need to hear any specifics.”

“How was that specific?”

“It... I don’t know. I just... Okay, so, it was good?”

Connor nodded even though she couldn’t see him.

“But it was stupid. You said you did something stupid.” Zoe gasped into the phone. “Were you not safe or something?”

“We were safe.”

“Okay,” Zoe sighed. “So-”

“I slept with Evan.”

“Yeah,” Zoe laughed. “Sorry. I just don’t see why that’s such a-”

“He’s my best friend. How would you feel if you accidentally slept with your best friend?”

“Accidentally? Did one of you trip and...” Zoe laughed again. “Okay. Sorry. You’re freaking out. I shouldn’t...” She cleared her throat. “I don’t know. Nicole’s my best friend and... It would be weird. Really weird. Were you drunk?”

“No.” He sighed when she didn’t say anything. “We weren’t drunk. We were stone-cold sober.”

“And it was an accident?”

“Yes!” Connor grabbed at his hair. “In the sense that it shouldn’t have happened.”

He closed his eyes because he could picture her expression.

It was the same one their mother got when she felt like she was finally getting somewhere with him.

“You like him,” Zoe reminded him.

“I know.”

“You like-like him.”

Connor made a face at the phone.

“Still not seeing the stupid.”

“Have you tried looking in the mirror?”

“Do you want me to hang up? You’re the one who called me.”

Connor sighed because he had. He knew he had. He wasn’t sure why.

Because his options were limited.

Because Evan was the person he would normally tell about something like this and that was so far from being a possibility it wasn’t even funny.

“I can’t believe I screwed this up.”

“Are you sure you did?” Zoe asked softly. “Maybe-”

“He ran out of here. It was like he couldn’t get out of here fast enough.”

He was glad they weren’t FaceTiming because he really didn’t want to see her expression when she heard that.

“Maybe he was late for class.”

Connor bit his lip. “He was. For lab, technically.”

“See,” Zoe chirped. “He was just-”

“Okay, so you fucked Connor. It was bound to happen eventually, wasn’t it?”

Connor’s whole body went stiff when he heard Jared. It was like he’d spoken right into Zoe’s phone.

Zoe let out a nervous laugh. “He’s, uh...”

“He’s talking to Evan?”

“Yeah,” Zoe whispered.

“Did he call Evan or did Evan call him?”

“Evan called him.”

Connor swallowed sharply. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

“It sounds like Evan’s freaking out too. You guys just need to sit down and, you know, talk about it. Maybe this was a good thing. Maybe-”

“I have to go.”

He hung up before she could say another word.

He threw his phone down and looked around the room.

It was a mess.

A disgraceful, horrible mess.

He had to do something about it.

He pulled off his covers and wrinkled his nose.

First things first.

Shower. Clothes. Food.

One step at a time.

He could handle that.

His first class wasn’t until eleven.

Normally, he liked that. He liked being able to sleep in and take his time getting ready. 

He was not a morning person. He didn’t think he would ever be a morning person.

He briefly considered the possibility of going back to bed.

That went out the window as soon as he saw his sheets.

He needed to wash them.

He needed to clean his room.

He needed to take control of the situation and wipe the mistake away.

Deep down, he knew that wasn’t possible.

He could try though.

He could clean.

He could clean like he’d never cleaned before.

He started with the bed.

He threw his sheets in the washer and put it on the hottest setting.

Something twisted in his gut when he added the detergent.

He thought about the first time he’d done laundry. He thought about how Evan had been the one to show him how.

He pushed that thought away.

He closed the lid.

Seth and Chris were eating cereal in the kitchen.

He blinked when he noticed them. He gave a quick nod of acknowledgement and that was it.

That was all he could manage.

He ignored the way they were grinning.

He went back to his room and started working on the floor.

He picked up his thesis and put it back in the proper order.

He picked up the plates and mugs and utensils that were scattered around the room in the most random places imaginable.

He picked up all the socks.

He hadn’t even realized he owned that many socks.

His hands shook when he found one he didn’t recognize. They really shook when he found its mate.

He balled them up and took them to Evan’s room. 

He threw them on Evan’s pillow.

And then he left before he could let his thoughts spiral about that.

He pulled out the cleaning sprays his mother had insisted he needed. The ones that had been collecting dust all year.

He sprayed down every surface he could think to spray. He wiped and dusted and vacuumed until the room sparkled.

He stood in the doorway to admire his work.

It wasn’t enough.

It was a relief when it was finally time to go to class.

It was a relief until he remembered that going to class meant going to class.

Meaning he had to pay attention and participate.

Because it was that kind of class. There were only ten people in it. It would be obvious if he spent the entire hour spacing out.

At least it was an interesting class.

It could’ve been worse.

He even managed to say two semi-intelligent things about _The Canterbury Tales_.

His classmates hung back to chat after class was over.

That wasn’t unusual.

They were all English majors and had been taking the same classes for years. Most of them were friends.

He wasn’t friends with any of them.

He’d never even tried to make friends with them.

He wondered what that said about him. 

He pushed that thought away.

He gathered up his things and hurried out of the room before it became obvious that he was spying.

His next class wasn’t until one. 

Which meant he had a half hour to grab something to eat before he had to get across campus.

He didn’t know where to go.

The dining hall was out. It was Monday, which meant that Evan was meeting Jared there for lunch.

There was no way he was going anywhere near that building.

He blinked when he realized the problem had already been solved for him.

Zoe was sitting on a bench across from Gregson Hall. She waved a paper bag at him. “I thought you might be hungry.”

He accepted the bag from her and sat down. “Because I had quite a workout last night?”

Zoe wrinkled her nose. “Gross.”

“You brought it up.”

“I did not.” Zoe took a dainty bite of her sandwich. “But now that you mention it...”

“I’m fine.”

Zoe tilted her head to study him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Connor bit off a huge piece of his sandwich and pointed at his mouth to tell her it was full.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “What are you going to do?”

Connor took a sip of his water. “What do you mean?”

“About Evan. What are you going to do about Evan?”

Connor took his time swallowing. “I don’t know.”

“Do you think you should know?”

“Probably,” Connor shrugged.

“But you don’t?”

Connor wiped his hands on his pants and threw his wrapper in the trash. “Thanks for the food.”

“You’re leaving?”

“I have to get to class.”

Zoe didn’t buy that for a second. “Your class doesn’t start for, like, twenty minutes.”

There was enough doubt in her voice that he could work with that.

“I know, but I’m meeting the TA before it starts. I have a question about the homework.”

Zoe patted his arm when he stood up. “You can call me later if you want to... you know.”

Connor gave her a tight smile before wandering off.

He tried to look on the bright side.

It was a good thing he was leaving early.

It meant he could take the long way to class, the way that didn’t take him by the dining hall.

“There.” Cole took a step back to admire his handiwork. “Good as new.”

Connor muttered his thanks.

He watched as Cole opened and closed the door several times.

It was silent. Not a squeak to be heard.

Connor couldn’t help sighing about that.

He’d called Cole in a moment of desperation. Hearing the door squeak had reminded him of Evan, of the sound he’d heard before Evan came in, of the sound he’d heard right before Evan left.

He couldn’t deal with that, so he called Cole.

He swallowed sharply when Cole looked him in the eye. He didn’t know what that was about. He wondered if Cole was expecting a tip or something.

“You cleaned,” Cole laughed.

Connor blinked even harder. He wondered how Cole knew that. He couldn’t remember the last time Cole had been in his room.

Cole put a finger on his bookshelf to check for dust. He laughed again. “Look at this place. You really cleaned. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your room this clean.”

He strolled around the room and checked everything out. 

And then he whipped around to glare at Connor. “Are you sick or something?”

“What?” 

“I could never even get you to pick up your socks when we lived together. Your side of the room was always a biohazard.” Cole glanced around the room again. “What happened?”

Connor shrugged and stared at his hands. “I felt like cleaning.”

“You felt like cleaning?” Cole chuckled. “Where was that attitude when we were sharing a room?”

Connor sighed and forced himself to glance up at Cole.

And just like that, he was struck with the need to share.

He jumped up and closed the door.

Cole blinked at him in surprise. “Um...”

Connor took a breath and sat back down at his desk. His eyes flickered towards his bed for a second before returning to Cole. “I slept with Evan.”

He laughed at the lack of reaction that got.

He’d been expecting horror, surprise, confusion.

He hadn’t been expecting a blank stare, followed immediately by a knowing smile.

Cole nodded for him to go on. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Connor laughed.

“Was that the first time you...”

“Yes,” Connor hissed.

Cole studied him for a second. “Why are you telling me this?”

That was a good question.

Connor wasn’t sure why.

Maybe because Cole was there. Because he happened to be there.

Or maybe because in that moment he felt like the safest choice.

Seth and Chris were too close to the situation. 

Literally. He hated to think about what they may or may not have heard.

Ryan was and always would be Team Evan.

The same could be said about Jared.

Not that he would ever confide in Jared, but still. He knew where Jared’s loyalties lay.

Kai would think the whole thing was funny, if he could stay still long enough to listen. 

He wasn’t ready to get into it with Zoe. 

That left Cole.

Cole, who looked strangely calm about the whole thing.

Except for the part where he didn’t know what to do with himself.

He eyed Connor’s bed like he thought it had been contaminated.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I changed the sheets.”

Cole nodded slightly and perched on the edge. On the very edge. He was so close to the edge it was a wonder he didn’t fall.

Connor rubbed his forehead and took a breath. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About Evan?” Cole guessed.

Connor nodded. “He’s my best friend and that...”

“Okay, I’m pretty out of the loop these days,” Cole laughed. He made a face and shrugged. “Most days. I never know what you all are doing.”

Connor nodded because he knew that was true.

“Are you and Evan going out or...” He cringed when Connor shook his head. “Was this something you’d been talking about trying?”

He cringed when Connor shook his head again. “Were you drunk?”

Connor snorted. “No. We were just talking and...”

He laughed when Cole’s eyes bulged. “I’m not going to try to jump your bones.”

Cole scratched his neck. “I’m married now.”

“I know. I was there.”

Cole nodded slightly. “You were just talking and then you...”

“It happened.”

“And by it, you mean...”

Connor nodded slowly.

He waited for Cole to run out of the room in disgust.

Cole didn’t budge. He studied Connor like he was a tricky equation. “You’re really freaked out about this.”

Connor lowered his eyes. He wondered what that meant. Was it that obvious that he was freaked out or was Cole more observant than he’d thought?

“Why are you so freaked out?” Cole leaned forward when he didn’t respond. “Walk me through it. What happened? Who made the first move? Did you talk about it afterwards? What do you think is going to happen next?”

Connor’s head popped back up. He didn’t like how eager Cole sounded.

And he definitely didn’t like the way Cole was staring at his phone.

“Who are you texting?”

Cole jumped so high he nearly dropped his phone. “No one.”

Connor tried to grab the phone, but Cole was surprisingly fast.

Cole pocketed it and tried to look calm.

At least that was the look Connor thought he was going for.

He was not successful. He looked anything but calm.

Cole let out an awkward chuckle. “Okay, fine. Jared.”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “You were texting Jared?”

“He was texting me! This whole with you and Evan is kind of a big deal. Everyone’s-”

“You were texting Jared about...” Connor was so mad he couldn’t even finish that sentence.

Cole flinched like he got that. “I’ll just...”

He kept his head down as he hurried out of the room. He closed the door behind himself.

It didn’t squeak, so there was that at least.

Connor closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe.

He didn’t know why he was surprised. He didn’t know why he felt betrayed.

It wasn’t like he was really close to Cole or anything. There was a reason for that. There was a reason it had taken him awhile to see Cole as a friend.

He’d always thought the reason was Cole’s attitude, not that he wasn’t trustworthy.

He pushed that thought away.

He didn’t feel like thinking about Cole. He didn’t feel like thinking about anyone. 

It was back to the drawing board then.

He didn’t know which way to turn.

He spent the rest of the afternoon working on his thesis.

He worked on it until he realized he’d been writing and rewriting the same sentence for a half hour. 

He decided that meant it was time for a break.

A dinner break.

He rubbed his eyes when he saw the time.

He weighed his options.

Dining hall or delivery?

He decided on delivery because he didn’t feel like going anywhere. 

He ordered Chinese. It took him twice as long as it normally did to place his order. He automatically selected two of everything.

And then he realized what he was doing.

And he remembered the time.

Evan was late. 

They hadn’t set a time, but they never went to dinner after seven. 

Which meant that Evan wasn’t coming.

He hadn’t even bothered texting Connor to tell him that.

Connor cut his order in half. He took out Evan’s favorites and substituted them with as many eggplant dishes as he could find.

Evan hated eggplant.

He placed the order and went back to his thesis. He had to focus. He had less than a week to finish it.

He was in luck. Placing the order had given him an unexpected burst of energy. 

Maybe it was the promise of food, maybe it was the concept of revenge. He didn’t know. 

He went with it until his food arrived.

He decided to eat in his room. It felt safer to eat in his room.

And not just because Chris and Seth were camped out in the living room watching _Psych_.

He didn’t feel like being social. Part of him thought he’d never feel like being social again.

He edited his thesis while he ate. Which meant that he did more editing than eating. Which was fine because he didn’t have much of an appetite.

He got so into his work that he didn’t hear the knock at first.

He didn’t hear it until he heard his roommates’ voices.

It took him a minute to grasp what he was hearing.

He didn’t get it until he heard Seth say, “He’s definitely in there.”

And then he knew.

He knew who Seth was talking to. He knew why the knock had been so soft.

He took a bite of his eggroll when his door started to inch open.

Evan stood in the doorway for a second before stepping in.

Barely stepping in. He looked like he was glued to the spot.

Evan turned around to close the door. He did a double take when it didn’t squeak. His eyes darted around the room until they landed on the containers on Connor’s desk. “You ordered in?”

Connor kept his eyes on the screen. “You didn’t show.”

Evan nodded vaguely. “I was at the library. I lost track of time.”

Connor shrugged because that wasn’t his problem. He took another bite of his eggroll and fixed a comma splice.

The silence in the room was deafening. He could practically feel the panicked energy radiating off of Evan.

Evan nodded at the door. “I guess I’ll...” A weird sort of choking sound escaped from his mouth. “I saw you found my socks.”

Connor frowned as he deleted an extra word he’d found. “They were under my bed.”

Evan chuckled slightly. “Oh. Right. Makes sense.”

That did it.

Connor closed his laptop and turned around. “Does it? Does it make sense to you?”

Evan shrugged. “I mean, logically speaking, of all the places for them to end up, that’s probably the most, uh... the most...”

Evan shrugged again. He closed his eyes and took a breath. “So. Last night. That was, um, unexpected.”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Unexpected? That’s the word you’re going with?”

“Well, yeah, I mean... I don’t know. That wasn’t what I thought was going to happen when I came in here.”

“When you came in here to calm me down.”

“What?”

“You weren’t expecting to have to calm me down by fucking me.”

Connor spat the words out. He made them as rough as he could.

It was satisfying to see the way they made Evan twitch.

Evan grabbed the back of his head. “That’s not what I said! Or what I did. You were already-”

Connor’s eyes flashed. “But it’s why you came in here. To calm me down.”

“You were throwing things at the wall!” Evan laughed.

He looked at Connor like he’d made a great joke.

He deflated when he realized he had not.

Evan inhaled sharply and rocked back on his heels. “Okay, look, so what happened was... It was good. It was really, really good. You’re right, you know. You really are good in bed.”

The compliment meant nothing to Connor. It didn’t even feel like a compliment.

It felt like a slap in the face.

Evan closed his eyes and rocked back again. “But... I don’t know. It probably shouldn’t have happened.”

And there it was.

Connor spun around and started stabbing his rice.

He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Evan anymore.

Evan didn’t take the hint.

Of course, he didn’t.

He took that as his cue to start spewing word vomit all over the place. 

“Not because it was bad. It really was good. Like I said. It just kind of happened though. We were talking and then we weren’t talking and then we kept not talking and then we started doing things and-and it was all consensual. I’m not saying it wasn’t. And I know we talked about what we were doing. Kind of. We sort of talked about what we were doing, but not why-”

Connor dropped his fork and spun back around. “So, you just decided to take one for the team and calm me down by-”

“No!” Evan hissed. “That’s not... I mean, if anything, you were the one who started-”

“Fuck you.”

“You already did.” Evan snorted when he heard himself. “Or, I guess, technically I was the one who...”

He cringed when he saw Connor’s expression.

“Too soon?”

Connor’s face went blank.

He turned around slowly, stiffly, like he was holding himself back.

He opened his laptop and pretended to focus on his thesis.

He didn’t budge until he heard the door click shut.

And then he slid down in his chair as far as he could go.

His appetite was gone. The will to work was gone. He didn’t have the energy to move.

He glanced over his shoulder at his bed.

How was he supposed to keep sleeping there?

He didn’t know how that was going to work.

He wasn’t the kind of person who made flowery, emotional statements.

He wouldn’t say he’d just experienced the best night of his life.

The thought of that made him want to laugh. 

Almost made him want to laugh. 

It had been good though.

Really, really good.

And not just the sex part.

All of it.

It had felt like they were on the same page.

It had felt that way while it was happening and in the aftermath. In the immediate aftermath.

The cuddling had been good too.

That made him laugh.

It wasn’t a ha-ha kind of laugh.

He should’ve known it was too good to be true, that it was all going to implode in the morning.

He should’ve put a stop to it and insisted they talk things out.

They had talked things out.

Sort of.

They’d had to talk about what they were doing. 

That part had been funny and awkward and kind of perfect.

He really should’ve known it was going to fall apart.

He should’ve known it was going to be a mess.


	38. Senior Year - May

Connor jumped when he felt something poke his back.

A finger. A finger gun, to be exact.

Zoe pressed it in even deeper. “Freeze. Hold it right there. Put your hands in the air and step away from the dresser.”

Connor rolled his eyes and reluctantly complied. “What?”

“Were you seriously getting ready to reorganize my underwear drawer?”

Connor blinked at his sister and then at the open drawer. He’d been on such a roll he hadn’t noticed what he was doing. 

Zoe leaned past him to close the drawer. “That’s where I draw the line. You’re not touching my bras.”

Connor turned around to survey the room. “Is there anything else I-”

Zoe snorted and then she laughed. She did a poor job of hiding it with her hand. “I don’t think my room’s ever been this clean before.”

Connor nodded because that was probably true.

“I don’t even think Mom could get it this clean.”

That was an exaggeration. Connor opened his mouth to tell her that.

She continued on before he could. “I wonder if it’s a learned trait or a biological one. The stress cleaning. I don’t have it, so I don’t know. It could go either way, I guess.”

Connor opened his mouth to say he could ask Evan. 

The words burned through him and turned to ashes in his throat.

Zoe looked at him sadly, like she was reading his mind. “Do you want to clean Jared’s apartment?”

Connor’s throat felt impossibly dry. “Isn’t...”

Zoe shook her head. “He’s gone. Henry kicked him out this morning.”

Connor sat down at her desk while he let that sink in.

He wondered what that meant. He wondered where Evan was.

It was unsettling in a way. 

He didn’t like not knowing where Evan was. He liked it even less than sharing a space with Evan when they weren’t speaking, when they couldn’t even bring themselves to look at each other.

Zoe chewed her lip. “I think he’s staying at Ryan’s now.”

Connor let his breath out in a huff.

That made sense.

Of course, Evan was crashing at Ryan’s. Of course, he’d already found a way to avoid going back to their dorm.

From there, he’d probably go to Kai’s and...

Connor shook his head. 

It was fine.

It was better that way. It was better if they didn’t have to be in the same room. It was better for everyone.

Zoe obviously didn’t agree. She folded her arms across her chest and shook her head sadly. “I really wish you two would sit down and talk about this.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a minute. He focused on his breathing and glanced around the room to check his handiwork.

His eyes landed on a cobweb he’d missed.

He didn’t have the energy to stand up and get it.

“How is he?”

Zoe smiled tightly. “Fine.”

“Is he-”

Zoe put up a hand to stop him. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

“Because...” Connor shrugged.

“He’s a mess too.”

Connor’s head popped back up. “He is?”

Zoe looked like she was trying not to smile. “He misses you.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. He struggled to keep his face blank. “He said that?”

“Yes.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “No. Obviously not. But I can tell.”

“I miss him,” Connor admitted.

“I know you do.” She studied him for a moment. “Would it make you feel better to go clean Jared’s apartment? You could seriously Marie Kondo the crap out of that place.”

Connor was sure he could. He didn’t want to though. That was where he was drawing the line.

Zoe wiggled her eyebrows. “Come on. You know you want to. Henry’s room is especially bad. It looks like a tornado hit it.”

“I’ll pass.”

“I’ll take Jared out so he doesn’t bug you while you’re cleaning.”

Connor shook his head at her. “Not happening.”

Zoe pretended to pout. “Your loss.”

Connor sighed at the window. “What do you see in him?”

She tilted her head like she didn’t understand the question or where it had come from.

Which was fair. Connor wasn’t sure either.

He cleared his throat and touched his hair. “Do you love him?”

An awkward chuckle escaped from Zoe’s mouth. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

Connor shrugged and picked at his nails.

“It’s just...” Zoe tucked her hair behind her ears. “You threatened to throw yourself out the window the last time I tried to talk to you about Jared.”

“I was joking... mostly.”

Zoe nodded slightly. “I know, but still. I know it’s not your, uh, your favorite subject.”

She had a point.

He was still curious though.

He looked at her until she decided to go on.

“Yeah,” Zoe said. “I love him.”

“Have you told him?”

“Yeah,” Zoe laughed. “We’ve told each other.”

“How did you know?”

Zoe covered her mouth with her hand. “Okay, why do I feel like we’re about to start singing Whitney Houston?”

Connor bristled at that. “Forget it.”

Zoe stared at him for a moment. “I don’t know. I didn’t have, like, one big, epic moment where I realized I’m in love with Jared. It just happened over time, gradually.”

“How long did you know before you told him?”

Zoe scratched her neck and let out another awkward chuckle. “It just kind of, uh... It slipped out, I guess. I hadn’t really thought about it and then...”

She shrugged.

Connor didn’t think he’d ever seen her face that red before. “You were in bed with him, weren’t you?”

“Okay, seriously, why are we-”

“You were fucking him and it slipped out and-”

Zoe pointed across the room. “Excuse me. I’m just going to go throw myself out the window now.”

“Did he say it back?”

“Later.”

“Later?”

“The next day.”

“He let you panic for an entire day before he-”

“I wasn’t panicking,” Zoe hissed. “I laughed after I said it and that was it. We didn’t talk about it until he said something.”

“Had you ever said it before? To someone else, I mean.” 

Zoe propped her chin up on her hands. “No.”

“Had you ever felt it before?”

“No.”

“Not even with what’s-his-name? Rat guy?”

“Rat guy?” Zoe laughed. Her eyes widened with realization. “Austin?”

Connor nodded slowly. “Rat guy.”

“I wasn’t in love with Austin.”

“He looked like a rat.”

“I can see that,” Zoe smiled. 

Connor couldn’t help puffing up a bit at that. “So, Jared’s the first person you’ve-”

“Been in love with,” Zoe finished. “Let’s leave it at that.”

“What about Wyatt?”

Zoe chewed her lip. “He said it to me. I didn’t say it back.”

Connor was suddenly struck with a wave of sympathy for Wyatt.

Zoe stared at her hands. “It wouldn’t have been right for me to say it when I didn’t feel it.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“It isn’t a guarantee, you know. If you say it, there’s always a chance it isn’t going to be reciprocated.”

“How did Wyatt take it when you didn’t say it back?”

Zoe closed her eyes. “He was drunk, so he didn’t really react at the time. We never really... We just kind of went on like nothing had happened. I don’t know if he even remembers saying it or if he really felt it or if he was just drunk and thought he-”

“He wrote a freaking musical about you.”

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed.

“And you chose Jared.”

“I love him.” She wrinkled her nose. “Don’t ask me to explain it.”

“Because there is no explanation?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “Pretty much.”

“You just know?”

“I just know.”

Connor was tempted to make a run for it when he spotted his mother sitting on the bench across from Gregson Hall. 

He was tempted to pull out his phone and pretend to be on it and breeze past the bench like he hadn’t noticed her.

That idea went out the window when she waved. 

He waved back automatically. It was like his arm had a mind of its own.

“Your last class!” Cynthia beamed when he joined her. “Your last class as an undergrad.”

Connor forced himself to smile. “Yeah.”

“How does it feel?”

“I still have finals.”

Cynthia waved her hand dismissively. “Those are just formalities, aren’t they?”

“Not if I don’t pass them.”

“You will.” She smiled at him like that was a fact, like there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that he would ace his exams.

He wasn’t so sure. He had a math exam to pass, after all.

It was a take home test, but he had to pass it on his own. He couldn’t ask Evan for help if he got stuck.

He lowered his eyes when he felt that flash across his face.

His mother saw it. She didn’t know what it meant, but she saw it.

She cleared her throat to get his attention. “We should celebrate. Go get ice cream or...”

“I need to study,” Connor muttered.

“You have all weekend to study. Can’t you...” Cynthia sighed when their eyes met. “Zoe told me you cleaned her room.”

Connor was overwhelmed with the need to bolt. “I-”

“She’s worried about you. It’s been years since you went on a cleaning spree.”

Connor couldn’t help snorting.

Or thinking that it was funny. It was funny that Zoe hadn’t mentioned that while he was scrubbing her floor.

Cynthia put a hand on his arm. “Did something happen?”

Connor resisted the urge to shrug her off. “I’m just stressed about finals and graduation and...”

“Have you decided what you’re doing yet?”

Connor shook his head.

“Your father and I were talking about it and maybe it would be a good idea for you to take some time off. A semester or a year, even. You’ve been working so hard and-”

“I don’t need to take time off.”

“It might be good for you. You could get a job and let your brain recharge for a bit before you take more classes.”

Connor shook his head. “I’m fine.”

He forced himself to look her in the eye to show how fine he really was.

It didn’t work. 

He looked away when he realized that.

“Sweetie.”

He waited for her to go on.

It was worse when she didn’t.

She was worried about him. She was trying to be sympathetic. 

She was thinking about how many cleaning sprees he’d gone on when he was in high school. 

She was thinking about how he cleaned when he felt like things were spiraling, when he needed to feel like he had control of something.

She was thinking about how she did the same thing, about how many times they’d cleaned together.

She was thinking that he was still that person, the one who was lost and distant and needed her help.

He didn’t need her help. He didn’t need anyone’s help.

The person he usually went to for help wanted nothing to do with him. 

He didn’t tell her that.

He stood up without saying a word.

“Connor.”

His name cut through the air and stabbed him in the chest. He whipped around to face her. “What?”

“Are you...” She let out a small humorless laugh. “Are you talking to Evan about it at least?”

He let a large humorless laugh. “Zoe didn’t tell you?”

Cynthia’s eyes widened. “Tell me what?”

“I thought she would’ve told you for sure. Evan and I...” He couldn’t finish that sentence. 

He couldn’t look at her when she tried to read his mind.

“Is that what this is about?”

Connor couldn’t bring himself to answer that. 

“Sweetie.”

“I don’t want to...”

“What happened? Did something happen? Did you get into a fight?”

Connor sucked in a breath. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sit down. Why don’t we-”

“With you. I don’t want to talk about it with you.” Connor closed his eyes. He tried not to think about how hurt she looked. “I have to go.”

She didn’t stop him.

He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse.

Zoe texted him later that night.

_What did you say to Mom?_

He ignored that text.

He also ignored the phone call that followed it.

Seth threw his book down and groaned at the ceiling. “I think my brain has stopped working. Those words don’t even look like they’re in English anymore.”

Chris stopped typing long enough to look at him. “Aren’t you studying for your French final?”

“So?”

Chris snorted and shrugged. 

Seth pulled himself up. “I’m getting a snack. Anyone want anything?”

“Me please,” Chris chirped. “I have fifty minutes to finish this thing.”

Connor checked the time. And then he checked the door.

The door that should be opening any second.

He pulled himself off the couch. “I’ll be in my room.”

“He won’t be back for an hour,” Chris said without looking up. “He’s meeting with his study group.”

Seth swatted the back of his head. “We talked about this.”

Chris made a show of rubbing his head. “What? It’s not like I-”

“We’re staying out of this. We’re not encouraging them to keep... you know.”

“I’m not encouraging anything. I’m stating a fact.”

Connor sat back down. “An hour?”

“That’s what he said,” Chris shrugged.

Connor pulled his notes back out.

An hour.

He could live with that. 

He needed that.

He went stir-crazy if he spent too much time in his room. 

And he felt claustrophobic if he tried the library or any of the school’s many lounges.

He swallowed sharply when he thought about that.

Freshman year. The lounge. Their lounge.

He hated when things like that popped into his head.

He jumped when Seth plopped down next to him.

Right next to him.

He was eating a banana.

It was distracting.

Connor gave him a look.

Seth ignored it. He opened his mouth while he chewed. “This is stupid.”

Connor wiped a bit of banana off his cheek and flicked it at Seth. “What?”

“You and Evan. You live right next door to each other and you can’t bring yourselves to-”

“What happened to staying out of it?” Chris demanded.

“I changed my mind.”

Chris nodded like that was his right. “In that case, I concur. It is stupid.”

“See,” Seth grinned. “There’s a consensus.”

Chris waved his phone. “Should we take a vote? Make it a true consensus?”

“We already took a vote,” Seth reminded him. “That’s why Evan’s back.”

Connor bristled at that.

It wasn’t a surprise.

He’d had a feeling there had been some sort of group decision. He’d had a feeling they’d all banded together and decided Evan was no longer allowed to keep couch surfing.

He’d had a feeling that was the only reason Evan was sleeping in his room again.

A text popped up on Connor’s phone.

Chris had sent him Evan’s exam schedule.

Connor raised his eyebrows at him.

Another text popped up. 

_It’s stupid, but I get it._

Chris mouthed the name “Hilary” at him.

Connor decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He memorized that text.

Kai grabbed his head as they stepped out of the building. “Ugh, that’s it. My brain is now officially dead.”

Connor stopped fiddling with his bag long enough to glance at him. “How do you think you did?”

“Dead, I tell you. Dead.”

“Wheaton’s final killed you?”

Kai nodded solemnly. “Give my regards to...” He made a face and sighed. “No one. There is literally no one for you to give my regards to. No one to care that I’ve just been murdered by a philosophy exam.”

“Ryan will care.”

Kai waved his hand dismissively. “He has Layla to help him through it.”

Connor glanced over his shoulder. “That was my last final.”

Kai stopped in his tracks. “What? You’re done?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“Is your thesis in?”

“It’s been in.”

Kai burst out laughing. “You’re done-done!”

“Yeah,” Connor laughed.

“I still have a biology final tomorrow.”

Connor’s eyes darted around wildly. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Pack?”

“I’m not moving out for over a week.”

“Celebrate?” Kai checked his phone. “There has to be someone else from our group who’s done.”

“Seth has his last one this afternoon. Chris has two tomorrow. He’s been holed up in his room studying.”

Kai nodded vaguely. “So you and Seth can... Ryan’s last one’s this afternoon. You guys should totally... Cole’s done.”

Connor hummed at that.

Kai glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Just so you know. I never know where we stand with Cole.”

“He’s probably busy with Cara.”

“Probably,” Kai agreed. “Jared’s last one is tomorrow afternoon and Evan...”

Connor sighed when he saw how thin Kai’s mouth had gotten. “Evan has his presentation this afternoon and his English final in the morning.”

Kai’s head popped back up. “Are you guys talking again?”

Connor shook his head.

He was happy when Kai decided not to press.

Kai typed out a quick text. “Ryan had lunch with him the other day. He said he’s really freaking out about his project. I’m going to wish him good luck.”

Kai held out his phone for Connor to see. The text was cheerful and contained at least four smiley faces.

It would do nothing to calm Evan’s nerves.

Connor decided not to point that out.

“How’s all that going anyway?”

Kai asked the question as lightly as he could.

Which was pretty light actually. Kai was good at sounding nonchalant, even when he wasn’t really feeling it.

“I’ve hardly seen him this week,” Connor shrugged.

“His room’s right next to yours. You’re telling me...” Kai closed his eyes. 

Connor thought about saying that their scheme had been pointless, that they may as well have let Evan continue bouncing from couch to couch because taking away that option had not forced him to talk to Connor.

He didn’t though. Because he knew how that would go.

Kai would remind him that communication was a two-way street and he could talk to Evan just as easily as Evan could talk to him.

“It’s fine,” Connor said quickly. “It’s only for a few more days and then-”

“He’s your best friend.”

Connor thought about correcting him, about claiming that sentence should be in the past tense. 

The thought of that made him sad though.

And it didn’t feel right. Not on his end anyway. He couldn’t bring himself to see Evan as his former best friend.

“I know,” Connor muttered.

“He laughed when I told him about your parking ticket.”

It was Connor’s turn to freeze. “You told him about that?”

Kai rolled his eyes. “Don’t look so surprised. We all know what you’re doing. What you’re both doing. You’re using us to keep tabs on each other since you can’t do it yourselves.”

Connor didn’t bother denying it.

It was true.

He soaked up every bit of Evan info he could. 

He wondered if Kai was right. He wondered if Evan was doing the same thing.

He hated the way that made him want to smile.

Kai smiled like he got that. “This would be so much easier for everyone if you’d just stalk each other online like normal people.” 

Kai stopped in his tracks to give him a shrewd look. “Or, you know, make small talk while you’re eating your cereal.”

Connor decided not to point out that they hadn’t had breakfast together in weeks. 

Or done anything that required them to be in the same room for more than a minute.

And even then, it was an accident. It was like they were two ships that just happened to pass each other in the night.

To accidentally pass each other because one of them had gotten the other’s schedule mixed up somehow.

Connor really couldn’t wait for the semester to be over.

Part of him couldn’t wait. The other part was dreading it.

That part wondered if he’d ever see Evan again after they graduated.

He pushed that thought away.

He focused on the way Kai’s face was lighting up.

“Ryan’s in,” Kai grinned. “He says he’ll meet you and Seth in front of your building around nine.”

Kai pointed to their left. “That’s me.”

Connor pulled out his phone as soon as Kai was gone.

He checked the time. 

Evan was probably getting ready to present his final project. 

He could picture the way he was sitting there. He could picture how nervous he looked.

He pressed a hand to his forehead and took a breath.

And then he composed a text.

_Good luck._

He hit send before he could overthink it.

He tried not to overthink Evan’s response.

_ty_

That was it.

That was all he wrote.

It was the most meaningful bit of communication they’d had in weeks.

Connor tried not to think about that either.

It got harder not to think about that as the night went on.

It got harder not to talk about it too.

The more he drank, the more he wanted to analyze those two letters and determine what, if any, underlying meanings they held.

Seth took his phone away when he started talking about calling Evan.

“I thought you wanted me to talk to him,” Connor pouted.

“Not like this,” Seth sighed. “Not while you’re...”

Seth was too drunk to remember the word he was looking for.

He wasn’t too drunk to hide Connor’s phone from him until they got home.

Connor was annoyed about that while it was happening.

He was grateful in the morning.

Evan went home after his last exam. He told Chris he’d be back later to get his things.

Connor wasn’t sure what to think about that.

It wasn’t like there was a good reason for them to remain on campus until graduation. 

There were events and games and things like that, but they didn’t really have anything important to do.

The rest of their group was staying put though. It hadn’t even occurred to Connor that he could spend the week at home. 

He wasn’t as reluctant to go there as he once was, but still. Why go home when freedom was still an option?

Evan had a reason, obviously.

Connor was pretty sure he was it.

“And then Nicole said I should totally die my hair green.” Zoe put a hand on her hip and sighed. “You aren’t listening to me.”

“I am too,” Connor insisted. “Green hair. You’ll look like a mermaid.”

Zoe picked at her hair. “You think?”

Connor shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

Zoe made a face. “I’m not really thinking about dying my hair green. That was a test.”

Connor nodded smugly. “A test I passed.”

“I thought you were too busy staring at Evan to listen to a word I was saying.”

Connor nearly dropped his drink when he heard that. “I’m not staring at Evan.”

“You are so,” Zoe laughed. “You’ve been staring at him since we got here.”

She had a point.

He hadn’t been staring intentionally.

It had started out as a safety thing. It was safer if he knew where Evan was so he could move around accordingly.

It was the least he could do.

He knew Evan must be feeling awkward enough as it was. It was his mother’s 50th birthday. That pretty much meant that people saw him as the co-host of the party. 

The least Connor could do was make sure their paths didn’t cross while Evan was being ambushed left and right.

Connor pointed across the room. “Why aren’t you with Jared?”

Zoe grinned at him and linked their arms together. “Because I’m with you.”

Connor saw through that right away. “Jared’s with Evan and you’re stuck-”

“We knew Evan wouldn’t want to deal with the guests on his own and you’re not exactly the most, uh...” 

“So, you’re stuck babysitting me all night?”

“This would be so much easier if you two would just...”

Connor sipped his drink. “Why green hair?”

“What?” Zoe blinked.

“Your favorite color’s purple. If you wanted me to believe you, you should’ve said purple.”

“It was a test to see if you were listening, not a serious suggestion.”

“You should put streaks in your hair again this summer.”

Zoe picked up a lock of her hair to study it. “Maybe.”

She dropped her hair like it had burned her. “You’re trying to change the subject.”

Connor waved his cup at her. “I need a refill.”

He paused when he realized that was where Evan and Jared were heading.

Zoe patted his arm. “Let’s get something to eat.”

Jared groaned as he threw himself onto the chair across from them. “My feet are killing me.”

He perked up a bit when Zoe smiled at him. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Zoe parroted.

Connor looked away when they started kissing.

And then he realized what that meant.

Not that that they were kissing.

That Jared was there.

He twisted back around. “Where’s Evan?”

Jared came up for air long enough to say, “Bathroom.”

Connor downed the rest of his drink. “I’ll be right back.”

He left the table without waiting for a response. 

He ignored the snickers he heard behind him.

This was it.

His chance to talk to Evan alone.

His chance to talk to Evan when he couldn’t escape.

When he couldn’t easily escape.

It wasn’t like Connor was going to throw himself against the door to stop him from leaving.

He staggered out of the hall and into the lobby.

He felt dizzy when the music died down and the crowd died down and he was alone with his thoughts.

He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what he wanted to say.

He kept moving anyway.

He really shouldn’t have let Zoe pick their drinks all night. He didn’t know what his limit was when he was consuming those fruity cocktails she liked.

He pushed the door open and froze.

Evan was still there.

Evan was the only one there.

That was a relief because Connor didn’t know what he would’ve done if the bathroom had been full.

It was also terrifying because he knew what he wanted to say.

He suddenly knew exactly what he wanted to say.

He was never letting Zoe pick his drinks again.

It took Evan a second to notice him.

He looked like he was going to pass out when he did.

They stared at each other for a moment.

The room was spinning.

Or maybe it just felt that way because Connor’s heart was racing.

Evan broke the silence. He broke it in the most awkward way imaginable.

“At least this isn’t a closet.”

Connor didn’t know what to say to that. By the time he thought of something, Evan had moved on.

He was practically sticking his head up the fucking paper towel dispenser and babbling about how he wished the hall bought recycled paper towels instead of the cheap ones.

Connor moved across the room to lean against the wall. 

Partially because standing was hard. Partially because he wanted to be closer to Evan.

Evan blinked when he noticed him. “What?”

“What?” Connor laughed.

Evan’s eyes darted around the room. “How’ve you been?”

“How have I...” Connor shook his head.

He couldn’t believe Evan was asking that.

He couldn’t believe they’d reached a point where they had to ask that.

“I hate this.”

It took Connor a second to understand what Evan had whispered.

His heart did a flip because he felt that.

So much.

He felt it with every fiber of his being.

Evan closed his eyes. “I hate not talking to you. I hate... Jared’s getting so fed up with me that he just said he’d lock us in a room together if he didn’t think we’d both end up bursting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.”

Connor felt himself start to relax.

Evan smiled when he saw that. “Can we just... I don’t know. Forget about all this? It wasn’t an accident, but it was a mistake. Can’t we just-”

“Pretend it didn’t happen?” Connor finished sharply. He used the wall to help him stand up a bit straighter.

Evan tugged at his shirt. “Not pretend. Just... Can’t we just-”

“I like you.”

“I know,” Evan nodded. “We’re friends. We are still friends, right?”

Connor’s eyes flickered towards the door.

This was it.

His last chance to jump off the train before it went over the cliff.

His last chance to convince himself that what he was feeling wasn’t real.

He swallowed sharply.

He didn’t want to jump.

He didn’t want to hide.

Not anymore.

“We’re friends,” Connor confirmed. “But that’s not what I meant.”

Evan didn’t want to hear it. He obviously didn’t want to hear it. He turned to go. “I should get back. I think Maggie seriously expects me to give a speech tonight and-”

“I love you. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

Evan chuckled awkwardly. “Pretty sure?”

Connor stared at his feet. “It’s not like this is something I have a lot of experience with.”

“Right,” Evan nodded swiftly. “Okay. Um. I, uh...”

He didn’t know what to say. He was at a total loss for words.

That was such an Evan thing to happen it made Connor smile. “That’s why I freaked out after we... I started freaking out because I love you, because I’ve known I love you for a while, and I started thinking about how you only slept with me because-”

“I was trying to calm you down.”

Connor nodded.

“That’s stupid.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t.”

“I wouldn’t sleep with someone to calm them down.”

“People are always doing things to calm me down. My teachers. My family. My mom. Especially my mom.”

Evan nodded slightly. “That’s not why I... It just happened.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I mean, it didn’t just happen. It’s not like it just... It’s not like we slipped and...”

Evan forced himself to look up. “It was a mistake.”

Connor’s blood went cold. “You keep saying that.”

“Well, it was.”

“Does what I said mean nothing to you?”

“You’re drunk,” Evan laughed. “You probably think you’re in love with Jared too.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

Evan sighed and nodded at the door. “I really need to get back. Maggie’s probably looking for me.”

Connor’s heart flipped around in his chest.

He tried to think of something, anything, to say.

He didn’t know what. 

He didn’t know why.

He stared at the mirror while Evan slipped past him.

He didn’t move until he heard the door click shut.

Jared was gone when he got back. He was already with Evan, Connor assumed.

Connor gripped the edge of the table and stared blankly at the door. “You want to leave?”

Zoe leapt to her feet right away.

She didn’t say a word.

She didn’t ask him what had happened.

She found their parents and told them it was time to go.

The drive home was swift and silent.

He slept like the dead.

He passed out the second his head hit the pillow.

That was the reason they’d decided to stay at their parents’ house instead of driving back to school.

For safety reasons.

His head felt fuzzy when he woke up. 

It took him a second to remember why he was in his room at home.

And then he was glad he was.

It would’ve been so much worse if he’d woken up in the bed he’d shared with Evan.

In retrospect, he really should’ve been suspicious when his parents sounded excited to hear their children were coming home with them after the party.

That really should’ve clued him into the fact that there was something else going on.

In his defense, he had been distracted though. Really distracted. It was a wonder he got all his schoolwork done on time.

He wanted to make a run for it when he heard where they were going.

He wasn’t the only one. Zoe looked panicked too.

“Your father is pitching this year,” Cynthia beamed. She squeezed her husband’s arm proudly.

Connor looked at Zoe.

They both had to resist the urge to gag.

They got to the field so early the stands were practically empty. 

Connor grabbed Zoe’s arm and announced they were going to grab a coffee before the game started.

They left before their parents could put up a fight.

Connor rubbed his forehead as they stumbled down the road to the food truck. “That’s the last time I let you order my drinks.”

“I’m right there with you,” Zoe moaned. “I almost took out Mom’s eye when she woke me up.”

They got their drinks and sat down on the curb across from the parking lot.

“When was the last time we came to one of these?” Connor asked.

Zoe squinted at the sun while she tried to think. “Ten years? Fifteen?”

“I think it’s more like fifteen. Or twelve. I think it was twelve years ago.”

“You were a bat boy the last time Dad dragged us out here.”

“And you were a cheerleader.”

Zoe buried her head in her arms. “I forgot about that.”

“I can’t believe they’re letting him pitch.”

“Have you seen some of those guys at his firm?” Zoe laughed. “Dad’s in better shape than most of them.”

She had a point, but still. Connor couldn’t imagine his father being a strong enough pitcher to help his team beat the firm they were playing against.

Connor leaned back to blink at the sky. “I told Evan I love him.”

Zoe nearly dropped her coffee. “What? When?”

“Last night.”

“Last...” Zoe smacked his arm. “What happened? What did he say?”

“Nothing.”

Zoe’s face fell. “He didn’t say anything?”

“He thought I was drunk.”

“You were drunk.”

“I wasn’t that drunk.”

Zoe closed her eyes and sighed. “You’ll just have to try again then. Some other time, when neither of you are drunk.”

Connor looked at her like she’d lost her mind. “Are you crazy? I’m not doing that again.”

Zoe tilted her head. “Do you really love him?”

Connor sipped his coffee. He forced his face to stay blank.

It didn’t matter. It played across his face.

“You should tell him.”

“I did tell him. That’s the problem.” He reached up to rub his eyes. 

He saw spots when he stopped rubbing.

So many spots that it took him a second to realize what else he was seeing.

Heidi Hansen was heading their way.

Waving and heading their way.

Zoe put a hand out to steady him.

It could’ve been worse. At least she was alone.

“Has it started?” Heidi asked breathlessly. “I can’t believe I overslept. I never should’ve agreed to this. I didn’t get home until after one.”

Connor glanced over his shoulder and shrugged. “I don’t think it’s started yet.”

“I’m on third,” Heidi beamed. “I haven’t played baseball since high school. This is going to be a disaster.”

“Where’s Evan?” Zoe asked innocently.

Connor had to force himself not to elbow her.

Heidi rolled her eyes. “Home. Asleep. I didn’t even try to get him up.”

She nodded at the field. “Are you going to come watch?”

Zoe poked Connor’s arm. “Go ahead. I’m going to get another biscotti.”

She was gone before Connor could protest. He pulled himself up.

Heidi smiled as she studied him. “You look the way I feel.”

“It was a nice party,” Connor said politely.

“It was,” Heidi agreed. She studied him again. “So, tell me, what’s next for you now? You’re done with finals, right?”

Connor nodded.

“Are you still planning to become a librarian?”

Connor nodded again.

She asked him something else.

He didn’t hear it. Her questions were light. Light and curious. It didn’t feel like she was trying to pry into his business or guilt him into doing something.

The problem was that he couldn’t focus.

He was too busy watching the way her arms swung while she walked.

It reminded him of Evan so much he couldn’t think.

He dropped to the ground. “My shoe’s untied.”

He untied it quickly so that he could retie it.

She didn’t wait.

She spotted someone she knew and that was that.

It suddenly occurred to Connor that he could’ve asked her about Evan, about Evan’s mood when he got home. He could’ve asked if Evan had said anything about the party, if he’d said he liked it.

He was glad he hadn’t.

Because hounding Evan’s mother with questions about him would’ve been embarrassing.

And unnecessary.

Totally unnecessary. 

Evan’s response, or lack thereof, had told him everything he needed to know.

They picked up a pizza on the way home to celebrate Harvey, Porter & Lee’s win.

Two large pizzas with extra cheese and pepperoni and an order of cheesy bread. 

It really was a celebration.

Connor barely touched his slice. 

His mother noticed that right away. “Are you feeling okay?”

He forced himself to take a bite. 

He tried to pay attention to what his family was saying.

His father was bragging about a case he’d won.

His sister was talking about what she was going to do for her senior project.

His mother wouldn’t stop staring at him.

He wiped his mouth and stood up. “I’m going to go to bed.”

His mother stood up too. “It’s only seven.”

“I’m tired,” Connor shrugged. He took a step before spinning back around. “I think I’m going to move to Philadelphia.”

His family stared at him in shock. 

He nodded stiffly. “I’ve been thinking about it and I think I like the program there the best.”

His father recovered first. “Okay.”

Cynthia whipped around to glare at him. “Okay? That’s all you have to say?”

Larry shrugged. “It’s his choice. Just tell me who to make the check out to.”

Connor smiled gratefully.

“Why Philadelphia?” Cynthia demanded. “Why do you want to go that far?”

“It’s not that far,” Connor insisted. 

“But why-”

“Because of Evan,” Zoe muttered under her breath.

Her eyes bulged when she realized she’d said that out loud.

She gave Connor an apologetic smile.

He didn’t return it.

“What about Evan?” Cynthia asked softly.

Connor stared at the ground.

The room fell silent.

Painfully silent.

It went on for an eternity.

Zoe let her breath out slowly.

Connor knew that look.

She was going to talk.

He didn’t know what she was going to say, but he didn’t want her to say it.

He lunged forward and stomped on her foot.

She yelped and started rubbing it. She twisted around so he couldn’t catch her eye to apologize.

To silently apologize.

He didn’t feel like saying anything to anyone.

He practically ran out of the room.

He wasn’t surprised when his mother followed him out.

“Connor,” Cynthia begged. “Can we just-”

“He doesn’t love me.”

He didn’t know where that had come from. He didn’t know why he had said it out loud.

It was true though.

He was suddenly, soul-crushingly sure it was true.

And that he had to leave.

His mother wrapped her arms around him. 

She didn’t say a word.

She didn’t have to say a word.

It was enough.


	39. Graduation Day

Connor woke up a half hour before his alarm was set to go off.

It was disorienting, not to mention disappointing because it would take him at least ten minutes to fall back to sleep, which pretty much made the whole thing useless. Twenty more minutes of sleep wouldn’t do anything besides make him sleepy and groggy and possibly cranky.

He didn’t want to be cranky on graduation day. He wanted to be awake and alert and cheerful.

Not cheerful. Cheerful was pushing it.

Not in the mood to bite everyone’s head off was more like it. If he made it through the day without snapping at anyone or rolling his eyes, he’d consider it a success. 

He was the first one up. He went straight to the kitchen to start the coffee, only to see that Seth had already packed the coffeemaker. He’d packed everything, actually. Everything except for the Cheerios.

The partial bag of Cheerios that Chris had been eating from for days.

Eating with his hands. His hands that were most likely not clean.

Connor wasn’t hungry enough to eat dry Cheerios that were covered in Chris’s germs.

He ran down the street to get coffee and donuts because he was a good roommate and because there was no way he was going to make it through the day without sugar and caffeine in his system.

Seth and Chris were awake when he got back. He could hear them bickering through the door.

They were fighting over the half-eaten bag of Cheerios like a pair of cranky toddlers.

The fight stopped as soon as they spotted Connor.

“See,” Chris beamed. “This is why I’m picking him. You can have Evan.”

Connor decided not to ask what that was about. He grabbed a coffee and a donut and announced he’d be in his room. 

He pretended not to hear Seth hiss, “There’s no rule saying we can only stay in touch with one of them!”

He pretended not to hear the flurry of whispers that inspired.

He sat at his desk and sipped his coffee and debated the pros and cons of packing up the rest of his things. 

There weren’t many things left for him to pack. It would only take him a few minutes to throw everything in a bag. 

Transporting it to the car was another story.

He had time though. He had over 24 hours until he had to check out. 

He wasn’t in the same boat as Evan.

Evan hadn’t even started packing up his things.

He wondered what that meant. He wondered if Evan was just planning to leave everything behind. He wondered if Chris and Seth knew what was going on there.

He wasn’t about to ask.

It was fine. It was better. The sooner he got used to not knowing what was going on with Evan, the better. 

It wouldn’t be that way forever. He was determined not to let it stay that way forever.

He’d reach out to Evan eventually or Evan would reach out to him. They were friends. They’d always be friends. He wasn’t ready or willing to give that up. 

He just needed time and space. He needed to let it become something that no longer felt raw and real. 

He didn’t know how long that would take, but he’d get there.

Eventually.

Moving to Philadelphia would help.

Starting over in an unfamiliar place would help.

He’d make new friends.

He was weirdly certain about that. It was weird to think that there were people who liked him, who actually liked him, and not just because he brought them coffee and donuts.

Spending the week at school had cemented that for him. 

He had friends. He had people who liked having him around, even when Evan wasn’t with him.

He’d be fine.

He was enough. 

His phone buzzed while he was getting dressed. 

Zoe.

_I tried to stop her._

Connor’s stomach sank. He didn’t know how he knew, but he knew what that was about.

His instincts were right. 

His mother had posted a tribute to him on Facebook.

A tribute involving a collage and a lot of flowery words. 

It had only been up for ten minutes and had already gotten over two dozen likes.

The comments were the worst part. People congratulated her, like it was her accomplishment, like she was the one who had earned the degree.

It was her accomplishment in a way.

Connor’s stomach twisted when he thought about that.

She had supported him. They all had. His entire family. They’d helped him make it that far.

He liked the post on a whim.

And then he checked to see who else had.

He sort of, vaguely recognized the names of his mother’s friends. He more than sort of recognized the names of his father’s co-workers. 

He wrinkled his nose when he saw three of the four Harrises had chimed in.

He snorted when he saw his mother was Facebook friends with several of his former teachers. Mrs. G had liked the post. So had Ms. Ross. 

Ms. Ross had left a comment too. _Way to go, Connor!_

She’d included a picture of a butterfly. Of course.

Connor couldn’t help smiling at that.

The last name on the list made his heart race.

Heidi Hansen.

Their mothers were Facebook friends.

He’d be hearing about what Evan was up to whether he wanted to or not.

He closed the app and went back to Zoe.

_Behold your future._

The response was instantaneous. _Meet us outside the science building when it’s over._

Connor blinked at that.

He didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say.

He wondered what, if anything, the meeting place meant.

He decided not to worry about that.

He put his phone down and finished getting dressed. 

He decided to start loading up his car when he finished getting ready.

And then he changed his mind.

The quad was packed. He didn’t have to look outside to see that.

He could hear the voices.

Which meant the parking lot would be a mob scene too.

He decided to wait until after the ceremony.

Because of the crowd.

That was the only reason he was waiting.

The ceremony was long and slow and boring.

It was even more boring than his high school graduation had been. 

The good news was that it was outside, which meant it smelled better. They’d been packed in like sardines at his high school graduation and he’d spent the whole ceremony wondering what Maisie Murrell had against deodorant.

At least Maisie’s body odor had stopped him from hyperventilating though. It had given him something to think about other than the fact that he’d done it. He’d survived high school. 

Because that had been a thing for him. There had always been a part of him that wondered if he’d make it. A part that had been sure he wouldn’t.

He wasn’t thinking about that this time. He wasn’t really thinking about anything in particular. His brain just kept pinging from one thing to another.

Which wasn’t a surprise.

He hadn’t been able to focus at his high school graduation either. He hadn’t even been able to focus when it had felt like Ms. Ross was speaking directly to him.

He wouldn’t have put it past her. There was a part of him that thought she saw him as one of her pet projects.

He’d certainly spent enough time in her office to qualify.

He hadn’t been able to focus on what she or any of the other speakers said though.

And not just because of Maisie Murrell’s sweaty pits.

It had been a relief to be done, a relief to think he’d never see any of his classmates ever again.

Not really anyway. Not in a way that counted.

He’d had every intention of crossing the street if he ran into any of them around campus.

Evan had changed that. Alana had changed that. Even Jared had changed that.

He wondered if it would’ve been better if they hadn’t.

And then he pushed that thought away because he knew it wouldn’t.

His life wouldn’t be better if Evan had never been in it. Or Alana. Or Jared, even.

He took a second to imagine what that world would be like and he didn’t like it.

He didn’t like it at all.

He probably would’ve dropped out after one semester. He wouldn’t have made any friends. He would’ve fallen back on every bad habit he had.

There was a chance that was an exaggeration. 

There was also a chance it wasn’t.

He pushed that thought away.

He stared blankly at the flags until it was time to start handing out the diplomas.

Evan was the first member of their group to cross the stage.

He did it without falling or tripping or making a fool of himself.

Even from his seat in the back, Connor could see how relieved he was when he was done. 

He was relieved too.

He was relieved that he wasn’t sitting near anyone who would notice or care about the way he’d been staring.

He was relieved that he couldn’t see Evan anymore when he sat back down.

He was even more relieved that Evan couldn’t see him.

He jumped when something crashed into him as he was making his way across the quad.

Make that someone.

Jared.

Jared had practically jumped on his back.

He spun around to ask if that was Jared’s way of asking for a piggyback ride. He changed his mind because there was a very real chance Jared would try to take him up on that.

Jared pumped his fist in the air. “We did it!”

Connor laughed because Jared really couldn’t pull that move off. “Yeah.”

“Why aren’t you excited? You don’t look excited.”

“I’m screaming on the inside.”

Jared scrunched up his nose. “What else is new?”

Connor froze when he realized that Jared was still following him. “What are you doing?

Jared looked at him strangely. “Same thing as you. Going to meet our families.”

Connor decided not to question that. 

He wasn’t surprised when they reached the science building and he saw that Evan’s parents were part of the group waiting for them.

He narrowed his eyes at Zoe.

She took that as her cue to spring forward and hug him. “Congratulations!”

It amused him to see how annoyed Jared looked about not getting the first hug.

It only amused him for a second because then they were both swept up in a sea of hugs and kisses and congratulations. 

His parents reached him first. He hugged each of them and paused long enough to let his mother take a selfie with him. He didn’t bother asking her not to post it on Facebook. He knew there was no point.

Evan’s family was up next.

Probably because Evan hadn’t arrived yet.

Connor was aware of that, even though his head was spinning from all the commotion.

Heidi hugged him and Dan shook his hand and Geoff gave him an awkward sort of wave.

And then everyone started talking at once.

Jared started bragging about the job he was about to start.

Connor tuned him out. He focused on the questions that were being thrown his way.

Heidi started them off. She asked about Philadelphia.

She asked about it in a tone that made his heart speed up.

He knew that tone. He knew the expression that went with it.

Evan really did take after his mom in a lot of ways.

He wondered what it meant. 

He wondered how much she knew.

She obviously knew something.

He kept his eyes on Zoe while he rambled on about his plans.

Zoe smiled like she got that. She got why she was the safest person to focus on. She teased him about his decision to move. She tried to make him laugh by pointing out that he didn’t even like cheesesteaks.

It didn’t work.

It really didn’t work when he realized Evan had finally shown up.

Henry reached him first.

It made Connor snort when Henry shoved a camera in Evan’s face. 

It made Jared snort too. He caught Connor’s eye and grinned.

Connor barely managed to return it.

He pretended not to notice when Evan stepped in front of him.

He pretended not to hear when Evan asked if they could talk.

His heart did a flip and he willed his face to stay blank.

He didn’t know why Evan wanted to talk. He couldn’t imagine what he wanted to say.

Or, rather, he could and that was the problem.

Evan probably wanted to ask if they could forget about what had happened. 

Again.

Either that or he wanted to say something stupid about their soap.

Or there was always a chance he just wanted to know if Connor had any extra packing tape.

There was also a chance he wanted to talk about what Connor had said in the bathroom. 

And not in a way that made Connor want the earth to swallow him whole.

Connor pushed that thought away.

He didn’t know what the odds were of that being the case, but he was sure they were low.

Really low. So low they weren’t even worth mentioning.

He blinked and focused on Zoe again. 

She didn’t notice. She was too busy talking to their father to notice. “Did you mail the check yet?”

Larry shook his head. “I’m waiting for Connor to give me the papers.”

Connor’s heart sped up when he heard their tones.

He knew those tones.

They knew something. They suspected something.

He wondered if the odds weren’t as low as he’d originally thought.

He pushed that thought away.

He raised his eyebrows when Evan tried again, when he practically shouted that he wanted to talk.

“Please,” Evan whispered.

Everyone was staring at them. Everyone was watching.

They were pretending they weren’t, but they were.

Their conversations were scattered at best.

Connor made a choice.

He wanted to hear whatever Evan had to say. If he didn’t, it would eat away at him. He wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it.

He needed to know either way.

He could live with it either way.

Evan wasn’t his only friend. He was fine on his own. 

He could handle being rejected by his best friend.

He kept telling himself that.

He shrugged and nodded to his left.

Evan hurried after him.

They went as far from their families as they could manage.

Which wasn’t very far, but at least it was an improvement. 

Evan positioned himself so that his back was to their group.

Which meant that Connor was facing them.

It was distracting.

It left him with the choice of looking at Evan or looking at the people who were craning their necks to watch.

His eyes landed on Zoe. She was beaming at him.

So was his mother.

So was Heidi.

Connor couldn’t look at anyone else after he saw that. He angled his body so that he couldn’t see anyone in their group clearly.

He focused on Evan’s forehead. That felt like the safest choice.

Neither of them said anything for a minute.

Connor waited for Evan to speak first.

He waited while Evan gathered his thoughts.

His stomach twisted when he realized that was what was happening.

Evan rocked back on his heels and tried to shove his hands in his gown. He snorted when he realized it didn’t have any pockets.

Connor snorted too.

It lightened the mood.

Evan closed his eyes and inhaled like he was preparing to give a speech. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last week. In the bathroom. You know. The thing you said about how you...”

“Are in love with you?” Connor guessed. 

The words flew out of him of their own accord. His stomach did a flip.

Not packing taping then. Evan didn’t need help moving his things.

Evan’s eyes flew open. “Yeah.”

Connor stared at him for a beat. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Evan breathed. “So, uh, yeah, I’ve been thinking about it and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for me.” He scratched the back of his head. His eyes darted around frantically. “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you too.”

“Pretty sure?” Connor chuckled. 

“Well, yeah, I mean I’d need to run some tests to make sure my hypothesis is correct, but uh-”

“Spoken like a true scientist.”

“I have the degree now and everything,” Evan grinned.

“So, you want to test it out? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I...” Evan puffed out his cheeks. “Are you really moving to Philadelphia?”

And just like that, the darkness returned.

It washed over Connor so quickly he couldn’t see straight.

That was all this was.

Evan didn’t love him. He was saying what he needed to say to get what he wanted.

Evan was scared of things changing. He was scared of losing his best friend.

Connor was starting to think it was too late. He’d been fooling himself when he thought they could keep being friends. 

Time and distance might ease the pain, but it wouldn’t heal the wound. 

And that was his fault.

Evan didn’t owe him anything. It was his problem, not Evan’s. 

It wasn’t Evan’s fault that his best friend had developed a thing for him. It wasn’t Evan’s fault that he didn’t feel the same way.

That didn’t stop Connor from feeling angry.

Angry at himself for expressing his feelings. And for having them. For letting himself have them.

Angry at Evan for giving him the impression that it wasn’t all in his head.

It would’ve been better if Evan had just turned him down from the start. It would’ve been better if he hadn’t lied to Connor’s face.

Connor decided to ignore the way Evan’s face was twitching.

He wasn’t sure if it was twitching because of guilt or panic.

It didn’t matter.

Evan knew he’d said something wrong.

And Connor’s mind was made up.

“Is that what this is about?” Connor demanded. “You don’t want me to leave?”

“I don’t want you to leave!” Evan hissed. He grabbed at his hair when Connor took a step back. “But that’s not... that’s not...”

Connor couldn’t stay there.

He couldn’t listen to whatever lies Evan started churning out to make him stay.

He took another step back.

He had to go somewhere.

Not back to his family.

To his room?

Not to his room. Not unless he planned to lock himself in it and throw all his bags out the window before shimmying down a tree.

“I love you.”

The words cut through the air.

Evan didn’t give them a chance to land before continuing on. It was like he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “I love everything about you. I love that you’re terrified of birds.”

Evan laughed when he heard himself.

So did someone behind them. 

Connor was pretty sure it was his mother.

He didn’t turn to look. 

His stomach twisted because he knew that tone. He knew that expression.

Evan was telling the truth. Or what he thought was the truth.

He wasn’t just being nice or saying what he thought Connor wanted to hear.

Connor knew the difference. 

Evan closed his eyes and took a breath and started spitting out words like he could no longer control what he was saying. 

Like he was panicking so much he could no longer control what he was saying.

“I love that you know you’re an Elsa. I love that you’re proud you’re an Elsa. I love that you cried when Jeffrey came back from the dead for the fourth time and Madeline said she’d never love anyone else, that there was no one else.”

Connor couldn’t help laughing at that.

Evan didn’t notice. The words kept flying out of him. He refused to look at Connor or even open his eyes. “I love that you write terrible poems. I love your terrible poems. I love that you want to be better, that you try to be better, that you make me want to be better too. I love talking to you because not talking to you is terrible. It’s crap. It’s total crap. I love that being with you is like being home. It’s safe and exciting and I never want it to stop. I-”

Connor kissed him.

Instinctively. On a whim.

Because he wanted to.

Because he was pretty sure Evan wanted him to. 

He was pretty sure that was the reason Evan had refused to shut up. He was pretty sure that was the reason Evan was panicking. 

He was more than pretty sure that Evan was returning the kiss.

He knew that before Evan pulled him closer.

He didn’t give the kiss everything he could.

Because his heart was racing and his mind was racing and he was more than vaguely aware of the fact that their families were still there.

That they were cheering.

That they were recording them.

That the kiss was almost definitely going to end up on his mother’s Facebook page, along with Evan’s speech.

He laughed when he thought about that. 

He wondered what kind of comments it would get. He wondered how many likes.

He wondered what the Harrises would say. And Mrs. G. He wondered if she really remembered the two of them or if she was just a polite person who accepted friend requests from all of her former students’ parents.

He wondered if Ms. Ross had a picture of two butterflies kissing.

The thought of that made him laugh again.

Evan pulled back slightly when he continued to laugh into the kiss. “What?”

“Nothing,” Connor grinned.

Evan didn’t buy that for a second, but it was okay.

They didn’t have to understand everything right away.

They had time to figure things out.


	40. Post-College

****

**Two Minutes Later**

Evan pulled back first. “Are they still there?”

He said it right into Connor’s ear. His voice was barely a whisper.

It made Connor shiver. “Yes.”

Connor didn’t need to look to know that.

He looked anyway.

Their families were still there. They weren’t all staring at them anymore, but they were there.

And some of them were still staring.

And recording.

Connor had a feeling he wasn’t just going to end up on his mother’s Facebook. He was going to be on his father’s too. And on Zoe’s Instagram, from the looks of it.

He decided not to worry about that. “They’re still there.”

Evan buried his head in Connor’s shoulder. “I figured.”

“We have reservations at Flora.”

Evan’s head popped back up. “So do we.”

“How much do you want to bet the Kleinmans do too?”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “We need to face them eventually.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“They’re going to-”

“Tease us mercilessly,” Connor nodded. “Yeah.”

‘We could make a run for it.”

“And do what?” Connor’s face heated up when he realized how suggestive that had sounded.

“I still have to pack.”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days?”

Connor felt like burying his head in Evan’s shoulder when he heard himself.

He didn’t.

They both laughed when their eyes met.

Which was a good thing.

Connor hadn’t meant to sound so suggestive. Or presumptuous. 

It wasn’t like he was expecting them to do anything.

Anything but talk.

Which they would have plenty of time to do once their families left.

He nodded to his left. “We should head back.”

Evan nodded solemnly.

He took Connor’s hand.

It made Connor’s heart beat so fast he almost didn’t notice the flash from Zoe’s phone.

Almost.

****

**Four Hours Later**

The door to the suite was open when they got there.

Wide open because Chris and Seth were trying to maneuver one of Seth’s boxes through it.

They didn’t notice they had company until they made it into the hall.

Seth’s eyes bulged when he spotted them. “Oh. Uh...”

“You’re together?” Chris grinned. “Standing there together. Did you make up?”

Evan nodded. “We made up.”

And then he grabbed Connor’s hand.

Their roommates looked like Christmas had come early.

Chris smacked Seth’s arm. “See! I told you it would all work out.”

Seth rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Pick up your end already.”

“Now we don’t have to choose.”

“We were never going to choose.” Seth narrowed his eyes. “Would you want them to choose sides if we had a falling-out?”

“They slept together. We wouldn’t have a falling-out because we slept together because we’re not going to sleep together.”

“It doesn’t matter what the cause is. A falling-out’s a falling-out.” 

Chris made a face at Seth and smiled at the others. “I’m happy for you guys.”

“Me too,” Seth said automatically. He nudged the box with his knee. “Hurry up already. I don’t want to get ticketed.”

“They won’t ticket you on graduation day.”

Seth grunted as he tried to pick up his end. “I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Evan glanced over his shoulder before closing the door. “Should we help them?”

Connor waved his hand dismissively. “They won’t be here to help us tomorrow.”

Evan chewed his lip. “What did they mean by all that?”

“By all what?”

“About choosing sides. Were they seriously talking about choosing sides?”

“Yeah,” Connor smirked. “And I was winning.”

Evan’s mouth opened and closed several times. “No way.”

“Yes way.” Connor held up his hand so he could start ticking the names off. “Chris was on my side.”

“I have Ryan and Jared,” Evan said quickly. “You have Cole.”

Connor stuck out his tongue. “Kai’s on my side.”

“I made out with Kai! He would totally pick me.”

“You drunkenly-”

“I wasn’t drunk! And neither was he!” Evan made a face. “He was hungover, but still. We-”

“You sort of kissed once. I took a class with him. We’re like this now.” Connor twisted two fingers together. “Seth refuses to choose, so that’s three for me and two for you.”

“Remind me to buy Seth those spices he wants.”

“You can’t bribe Seth. That’s cheating!”

Evan sighed heavily. “I guess it’s a good thing they don’t have to choose then.”

Connor hugged himself because hugging Evan felt too presumptuous. “It’s a good thing.” 

****

**Twelve Hours Later**

Connor exhaled shakily as he rolled onto his back. “It’s a good thing I waited to pack my sheets.”

Evan chuckled and blinked at the ceiling. “Yeah.”

Connor checked the time. “We have to be out of here in, like, six hours.”

“We should sleep.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah.”

He propped himself up when he felt Evan shift around next to him. “Are you...”

He didn’t know how to finish that though. 

Evan obviously wasn’t going anywhere. 

It was the middle of the night and they’d spent the majority of the evening packing up his room.

Evan wasn’t going anywhere unless it was to the bathroom.

Evan scratched his neck. “I just...”

“Just what?” Connor’s heart leapt into his throat.

He didn’t think he could handle it if Evan freaked out again.

Correction, he knew he couldn’t handle it.

Not after that. 

Not after everything.

Evan let out a sound that was a cross between a huff and a chuckle. “I have to put something on. I don’t sleep right when I’m naked.”

Connor snorted. “Oh.”

Evan glanced over his shoulder. “Oh?”

“Same, actually.”

Evan visibly relaxed. “Okay, so...”

He glanced at Connor expectantly. 

Connor snorted again. “Do you want me to turn around?”

“This is weird.”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed.

“Good weird but weird.”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed again.

Evan chewed his lip. “You thought I was changing my mind, didn’t you?”

“Something like that,” Connor admitted.

“I’m not changing my mind.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not,” Evan insisted. “I want this. I want you. I... It was my idea to...”

“Seduce me?” Connor grinned.

“You think I seduced you?”

“What would you call it?”

Evan’s face went five shades of red. 

Connor leaned over to hug him.

It no longer felt presumptuous. 

Just weird. Mainly because of the skin to skin contact.

It wasn’t a bad weird. It was the kind of good weird that would stop being weird eventually.

“Let’s put something on and try to get some sleep,” Connor murmured.

Evan nodded sleepily.

Or happily.

Or both.

It was hard to say.

****

**Two Days Later**

Connor ran out of his room as soon as the doorbell rang. He smoothed out his shirt and patted his hair and laughed when he realized what he was doing.

Was he seriously trying to impress Evan?

Was he seriously nervous about seeing Evan?

He was when he realized his mother had beaten him to the door.

He sucked in a breath and waited at the top of the stairs, just out of sight, while his mother ushered Evan into the house.

“Evan! I’m so glad you’re here.”

Connor cringed at how excited she sounded.

He knew it was genuine though. She was happy he was happy, especially since he was happy with Evan.

“Oh, uh, thank you,” Evan stammered.

“Connor tells me you have big plans today.”

“Yeah,” Evan chuckled. “We’re going to binge the new season of-”

“You haven’t seen it yet?” Cynthia practically squealed. “You won’t believe what happens to Madeline in episode three. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.”

Connor ran down the stairs before she could start trying to convince Evan to let her watch it with them.

He bumped Evan’s arm with his. “You ready?”

Evan nodded and glanced around uncertainly.

“It’s all set up in my room.”

“Door open, please!” Cynthia called after them. “That’s a house rule unless you’re home alone.”

Evan snorted at Connor’s expression. “You’re red.”

Connor felt like smacking his head. “Shut up.”

“You’re, like, me shades of red.”

“We’re watching at your house next time.”

“Fine with me,” Evan shrugged. “My mom works.”

“I can’t believe she thinks we’d...” Connor grabbed at his hair. “While she’s right downstairs!”

“We should go somewhere,” Evan decided. 

“Go somewhere to...” Connor wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Evan shook his head. “Go somewhere-go somewhere.”

“Go somewhere like a date?”

“Sure, I mean maybe if you... you know.”

“Now?” Connor blinked.

“Not now! We’re watching the show.”

“We can watch the show later.”

Evan glanced over his shoulder. “I’m kind of dying to see what sort of mess Madeline got herself into though.”

“Another time then.”

“Another time,” Evan breathed.

****

**One Week Later**

Connor lowered his book when he felt the bottom of his lounge chair sink. “You drew the short straw?”

Zoe shook her head. “Are you mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad?” He tapped his chin and pretended to think really hard. “Oh, for making a bet about when and how Evan and I would get together?”

Zoe nodded slowly. “In my defense, everyone else was doing it too.”

“Your boyfriend started it.”

“Yeah,” Zoe cringed.

“You didn’t try to stop him?”

“I didn’t find out until it was too late!” She chewed her lip. “Are you mad I bet against you?”

“You really thought Evan would go first?”

“It was more like I didn’t think you would.”

That was fair. 

Connor hated to admit it, but it was.

“I can’t believe Cole won.”

“And Alana,” Zoe laughed. “Her instincts are uncanny. She’s barely even been around you guys.”

“Cole though.”

“He knows people,” Zoe shrugged.

Connor stared at the pool. He grinned when Evan suddenly dunked Jared underwater. “My boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed. She shook her head when Jared broke the surface, sputtering and spitting every which way. “I’m sure he did something to deserve that.”

Connor opened his book. “He definitely did.”

****

**Two Months Later**

Connor started laughing as soon as he walked in the door. “You’re still trying to put that together?”

Evan waved a screwdriver at him. “Don’t laugh. It’s not funny.”

Connor dropped his bag on the floor and knelt down next to Evan. “You’ve made some progress.”

“Why is it this hard to put a bookcase together?”

Connor jabbed at it with his finger. “Is it supposed to wobble like that?”

Evan groaned and flopped onto his back. “No.”

Connor studied him for a second. “How many times have you taken it apart and put it back together?”

“Don’t ask.”

“And it wobbles every time?”

Evan pulled himself back up. “Or looks crooked. Or is crooked. I thought I had it-” He squinted at the ceiling. “- three attempts ago, but then your books fell down.”

“Is it time to call Cole?”

“Or Geoff,” Evan suggested. “This is the kind of thing he’s good at.”

Connor glanced around their apartment. “Do you think he can do something about the showerhead too? It leaks.”

Evan reached for his phone. “I’ll ask.”

****

**One Year Later**

“That was the door.”

Connor grumbled and rolled onto his other side. He sat up when Evan elbowed him. “What?”

“That was the door.”

Connor sat up and blinked at the door to the room. “What?”

“The front door. Someone just opened the front door.”

That woke Connor up. He twisted around to face Evan.

Evan was gripping their comforter and looked pale as a ghost.

They both screamed when the door to their room swung open.

Connor put a hand to his chest and groaned. “Shit. Zoe. Have you ever heard of knocking?”

Zoe’s hand swung around as she tried to dangle something at them. “I have a key.”

“That’s for emergencies. Not to let yourself into our apartment at four o’clock in the fucking morning.”

Zoe folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the doorframe. “This is an emergency.”

Evan groaned into his pillow and tried to push Connor out of bed. “I have to be up in two hours.”

Connor sighed because he knew what that meant.

He had to get up and deal with his sister. 

He pointed at the living room.

He flopped onto the couch and tried to pay attention when she started ranting about Jared.

About some stupid thing Jared had done.

He wasn’t sure what.

It was hard to focus when his body wanted to sleep.

Zoe came to a sudden stop in front of him. “You aren’t even listening.”

Connor shook his head because there was no point in denying it.

“At least Jared listens while I rant.”

Connor yawned into his hand. “You can crash on our couch if you want.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged.

Zoe stared blankly at the door. “Do you and Evan ever fight like that?”

“No,” Connor shook his head.

“Never?”

“Not like that. We bicker sometimes.”

Zoe made a face at him. “Yeah, I’ve seen the way you bicker.”

“We’ve been solid since we-”

“Got your heads out of your asses and got together,” Zoe finished. “I know.”

“You and Jared are solid in your own way.”

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed. “I know.”

She jumped when the door to the apartment crept open.

Jared poked his head in. He looked like he was going to pass out from relief when he spotted her. “There you are.”

“I’m coming,” Zoe decided. She clapped Connor on the shoulder as she went by. “Thanks.”

Connor smiled even though he wasn’t sure what she was thanking him for.

He pointed at the table by the door. “Key.”

Zoe turned to blink at him. “What?”

“Leave it. I’ll give it back when you can be trusted again.”

Zoe rolled her eyes and dropped it on her way out the door.

****

**Five Years Later**

Connor slammed on the brakes when he saw how crowded his parents’ street was. “No.”

Evan glanced at him in alarm. “No what?”

“No-no-no-no,” Connor laughed. “Nice try, Mom.”

Evan shook his head at him. “What are you doing?”

“Turning around.”

“Your parents live over there.” Evan pointed down the street. “We’re already ten minutes late.”

“Do you see those cars?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Yes, I see the cars.”

“No, do you _see_ those cars? That’s your mom’s car.”

“You know my mom’s car?”

Connor waved his hand dismissively. “And that’s Zoe’s and doesn’t Henry drive that monstrosity?”

Evan leaned back to see. “I think so.”

“I know so. Jared always says his brother is killing the planet with that thing.”

“Okay,” Evan breathed. “So...”

“Surprise party.”

“It’s not your birthday. It’s neither of our birthdays. It’s...” Evan’s mouth dropped open. “The small anniversary dinner they invited us over for is actually-”

“A surprise party!” Connor gasped. 

“Because we-”

“Eloped and my parents didn’t get to throw me the wedding of their dreams.”

Evan slumped down in his seat. “Go!”

“You’re with me now?” Connor grinned.

“Go. Just go. Before they see us.” Evan cringed when his phone buzzed. “Too late.”

“Who?” Connor demanded. 

“My mom.” He laughed when Connor turned back around. “You’re scared of my mom?”

“Not scared.” Connor glanced at him quickly. “She was so hurt when she found out last year.”

“Yeah...” Evan sighed. “I really should’ve told her as soon as we got home.”

“Stupid Jared.”

“Stupid Jared.”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut. “They’re going to make us renew our vows, aren’t they?”

Evan’s mouth opened and closed. “Yeah. We’re not doing that. Not in front of...” He gestured at all the cars. 

Connor glanced up at the house after he put the car in park. “Are we going to pretend we’re surprised?”

“Do you think you can pull it off?”

Connor shrugged and climbed out of the car. “Last chance to run.”

Evan stepped over to grab his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

****

**Eight Years Later**

“Smell her head,” Alana cooed. “Smell her adorable baby head.”

Connor humored her by taking a whiff. “She is adorable.”

“The best,” Alana grinned. She looked like she was going to melt when Adora burped.

“I can’t tell which one of you she looks more like.”

“Tracy, obviously.” Alana rolled her eyes. “She’s the one who carried her.”

“But she has your genes too.”

“My brother’s genes,” Alana reminded him. “Poor thing. She has the Beck nose.”

“But it’s such a cute nose!” Connor pretended to grab it.

Evan spotted that across the room and started laughing.

So did Tracy.

Connor flipped them off behind his back so Adora couldn’t see.

“It’ll get bigger,” Alana sighed. “She has thick hair. I bet it’s going to be like mine.”

“I bet she’s going to be smart like you too.”

“Well, that’s a given,” Alana beamed. “I’m smart. Tracy’s smart. Alan’s the only one of my siblings with any sense. She’s going to be president or a brain surgeon or...” Alana puffed out her cheeks. “Whatever she wants because it’s her life and I’m not going to be a helicopter parent.”

She glanced over her shoulder at Tracy.

Tracy grinned and gave her a thumbs up.

“Do you want one?” Alana asked.

Connor blinked at the question. “Um.”

“Someday,” Alana clarified. “Maybe Zoe could-”

“No,” Connor laughed.

“Donate an egg. I know she’s got her hands full with the twins.”

Connor glanced at the kitchen. Tracy was showing Evan something on her phone.

“I don’t know,” Connor relented. “Maybe.”

“It’s something to think about,” Alana shrugged. “Or you could always adopt. Or foster even.”

“We barely remember to feed Milo half the time.”

“Milo?”

“Our goldfish.”

“Babies are good at making sure you don’t forget to feed them.”

Adora started screaming her head off to prove her mother’s point.

Alana smirked at Connor and stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

Evan took her spot a second later. “Tracy needs to feed the baby.”

Connor nodded vaguely. “Yeah.”

Evan leaned forward to catch his eye. “What’s with you?”

“Nothing,” Connor said quickly.

Evan stared at him for a moment before grinning. “You want a baby now.”

“I do not.”

Evan burst out laughing. “Oh my God. You so want a baby.”

“She’s cute.”

“The cutest,” Evan grinned. “You know we-”

“Are barely keeping Milo alive,” Connor finished. “I know.”

“And we returned the twins to Zoe and Jared three hours early the last time we babysat.”

Connor made a face. “Maybe we should get a cat instead.”

“Or a dog.”

“We’re not getting a dog.”

“Why aren’t we getting a dog?”

Connor raised his eyebrows at him. “Are you going to get up early every morning to walk the dog? Because I’m not.”

“A cat,” Evan decided. “We can go adopt a cat.”

****

**Ten Years Later**

Connor woke up to the sound of Evan’s laughter.

He woke up, but he didn’t get up.

He stayed still as long as he could.

Cedar took that option away from him by jumping on his chest.

And suddenly he knew why Evan was laughing.

“I was gone two days and you got another cat.”

Connor kept his eyes closed while he petted the rumbling fir ball trying to burrow under his skin. “Her name’s Cedar.”

“Cedar?” Evan snorted. 

“I had to keep the tree theme going.”

“We’re running out of trees.”

Connor propped himself up. “You’re telling me you only know the names of five trees?”

“We’re not naming a cat Locust.”

“We are definitely naming the next cat Locust.”

Evan pretended to pout. “I’ll type up another list for you.”

Connor hummed at that. “Have I mentioned how much I missed you?”

Evan scooted over so he could rest his head on Connor’s shoulder. “Not in the last few hours.”

Connor kissed the top of his head. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Connor slid down so their heads were touching. 

Evan smiled and scooted over even more.

The movement made Cedar take off again. Off to torment her new siblings, most likely.

Evan’s hand took Cedar’s place. He started tracing circles on Connor’s stomach.

Connor absentmindedly started tracing stars on Evan’s back.

They didn’t say anything else.

They didn’t need to say anything else.

It was enough.

It was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s a wrap again.
> 
> As always, a huge thank you to everyone who read this. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I really do like this universe and am tentatively planning to write a collection of stories that take place before, during, and after the main story. Some of them will focus on other characters. Some will be the things that I’m about to start remembering I wanted to put in here/_When Evan Met Connor_.
> 
> I’m also (mostly) jokingly considering the possibility of writing an AU of this AU dealing with the quarantine. 
> 
> Neither of those are set in stone, especially since my brain’s kind of a mess these days and my anxiety levels keep yo-yoing between a five and a fifty (on a scale from one to ten). That’s the main reason _Worlds Apart_ is going to remain on hiatus indefinitely. I just don’t have the brain power/energy to work on that. I hope I do soon because that’ll be a sign things are getting better.
> 
> I think I still have the energy for fluff though, so there probably will be more snippets taking place in this universe at some point. 
> 
> Probably sooner rather than later, knowing me.


End file.
